If I could sit here and spin my words
Into anything of substance,
I would put into effect the
Most Beautiful
symphony of words
The world had ever seen, and the
Light in it would be known far and wide

But here I lay,
Completely unmagnificent
In my drawers.

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Beauty in pain,
Pain in beauty.

No.
I reject that.

Beauty in love,
In happiness and full hearts.

Pain is cold and dark and ugly.

Why do we glorify its dungeon?

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The sweet smell of the grass and rain,
The chorus of birds, rain and music,
It all mixes into a joyous dish of life

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You draw past me, stopping my breath in my chest.

I feel the quakes as you float closer,
Every cell in my body drifting towards you and
Sinking
At the same time.

I want to grab your wrist
But where do I begin?
I don't even know who I am anymore.

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The tremors are constant,
Whether I shake or not.

My heart undulates its rhythm,
A constant alert system turning on and off.

I feel my hackles raise,
Searching for a fight.

But there's nothing.

It's just me

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I run my hand through my hair and pull it away
For some reason I expect to see blood?

Hemorrhaging all over,
I can't stop it.

Won't someone help me?

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Bap. Bap. Bap. Bap.
The muskrat's tail slaps a beat on the water,
While the birds add a chorus.
Blue clouds reflect off the dancing water;
a disco ball

Shhhhh.
You'll miss it!

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I bow my head
The cold water hits the back of my skull

I gasp in a breath and feel the air sticking to my lungs

I look in the mirror
Two hollow cheekbones and high, cutting cheekbones

I can see my ribs.
Standing in a growing puddle,
I'm draining.

Soon I'll be empty

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I breathe out heavy air,
Chest heaving every time.

Feeling my ribs turning to wood is
Interesting

Water keeps breaching,
And it's just a lot.

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Blind faces stare at me
They say these things,
Little whispers from around the corner

I feel a million little ****** on my skin.

Everything and nothing all at once.

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Ripping out cords of my own muscle,
I don't want to feel like this.

Tissues aflame with agony, and
I can't do anything about it

My lungs are breathing air, but somehow it's hollow?

How did I get here?

I stare blandly at my reflection.

"Make use of suffering."

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"I'm not gonna change for anyone"

I'm not asking you to reassemble yourself to my heart's content,
A bunch of puzzle pieces to arrange and rearrange

I never wanted you to bend and twist into a desirable configuration for me,
Or to stuff yourself into any sort of box that I fancy.

I just wanted you to try.

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I wish I could run to the ocean the way water does,
Tossed and turned,
Uncaring.
Just floating.

Life would be so easy

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Windswept snow on barren plains,
Nothing lives here.

A mess of concrete and dirt, poorly-kept grass and weeds.

But my eyes alight on a snow crystal;
Perfect and frozen in time.

I should take notes.

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Screaming in the darkness
Gasping for light
So cold and...
Claustrophobic?

Can't I find a candle?
I don't even want the sun to come up
I just need something.

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The air in me keeps changing
Floating
Me around
until I find myself
and land
back down on the ground.

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Everything feels so unreal
None of this is mine
I do not claim it

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Surveying the scene,
The juxtaposition of dark and light
It makes one think

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Stoney,
Emotionless,
Numb.

Empty,
Cold,
Hard.

Why am I feeling like this?

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I miss you...
Sweetness itself,
Apple cheek smile,
So bright and warm.
My sun.

And now you feel cold,
Emotionless,
Taking me for granted.

I'm running on faith,
But I don't know how much I have left...

How much longer will My Love be gone?

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Why do I feel like I'm just not
Enough?
Why do I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you?

Get out of your head!
Think about me for once!

I try so hard...
Do you even try at all?

It sure doesn't feel like it.

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Wondering as always,
What did I do wrong?

Old insecurities,
Never far from the surface

Why can't you talk to me?

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What am I doing
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong

Why won't you talk to
Me
Me
Me

It's so silent without and I,
I do not like it

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Consume my heart but don't offer your
own,
Magpie of mine.

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Tiny barbs
So small, yet they carry so much weight

Am I that blind to myself?

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Soft powder,
Settled

The air
So cold

And me,
So subdued.

Why can't this happen more often?

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How can you long for something
That wasn't,
That isn't,
That won't be?

I create so much in my head that I trick myself into thinking it's real

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Sick with longing,
I waste away into nothing

The earth takes me back
And I am flowers again

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How can I get away from you
When you are stickied on every memory
And thought
That I have?

I wish so dearly to forget
But you are seared into my
Brain
And are not easily scrubbed away

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And on these long, cold nights I wonder...
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you think of me like I think of you?

It's hard to get lost in life
When someone who made me feel so much
Is no longer in mine

There is but a dull, cold ache
And I'm afraid it's slowly spreading.
When will Spring come?
It's been a long winter

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Such fleeting moments
Can cast such powerful emotions

Will we ever meet again?

I sure hope so.

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Underneath the stand of cedars,
Leaf litter clothes the ground

When a foot touches down,
It is nestled in leaves and needles.

The silence of the ground
Magnifies the volume of the wind.

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Winds pushing in to shore,
Bringing sand and silt with them
What else could it bring?
New hope?
New blood?

Both, I hope.

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Little bits of my heart
Still belong to you
And I've never felt more betrayed
Than when my heart yearned for you today

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Bitterroot in my mouth,
Thinking of you.
I remember when thoughts of you filled my mouth with sweet sugar,
But there is none of that here now.

How could you?

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My heart rent in two,
Cloudy days, nothing but blue
In my head.

You left,
And you informed me much too late.

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Soon even
The memories will be
Gone

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All I can do
Is lay in bed and think of you.

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These weeks have been a blur and an eternity all at once...
I'm so busy,
But any day where I don't talk to you
Is the cruelest kind of punishment:
Sad and slow.

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There is sadness locked away in me
That only you can release

Please,
Give me that healing touch.

My soul's been dimming lately,
My love.

Can you brighten my day a little?

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All I can dream of is you
All I can think about...
You

All I wish
Is to see you again

Even One Last Time.

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I can only imagine
Your lips on mine,
Magic sparking on our tongues,
Heat flying from my body,
Getting closer than close

Two souls,
Coming together again.

One can only dream.

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Your plump, pink lips,
Conveying your honeyed words to me

They tease me...
Something I desperately want,
Yet can't have.

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I don't want this to be over.
Please tell me this isn't over.

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I find remnants of you everywhere I go,
Flashes of your eyes in the sky blue water,
Flashes of your hair in the sweet yellow grass...

There is no peace for me,
Here or anywhere.

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Here my heart goes again,
Filling up with
Lead.

I carry so much,
I'm surprised I can still breathe.

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Were that I could hold you in my arms right now,
I think the field of stars overhead would align.
All would right again, and
Ah!
The moon itself would shine brighter,
For Us.

But
Ah!
You are so many miles from me,
And though you are in my heart,
I do not know if I am in yours.

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Fleeting shadows
My mind grabs at them as they flit past,
But it comes up
Empty

I can't be gone of you, can I?
When will you give me peace?
What more must I do?
What have I not given to you,
Wholeheartedly?

You rip my heart and poison my dreams...
So seldom remembered,
And I must remember the ones with you?

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The great dark of the night
Swallows up the forests and lakes,
Buildings and roads,
Swathes of black covering all.

These lights do not banish it well enough.

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Ah,
My melancholy heart.
Running away from me again,
As it has.

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