Going to
therapy
taking pills talking
talking to people
sleeping
enough
rough thoughts
in my head

Breast heavy
flow interrupted
step by
step
got it?

Nothing comes naturally
anymore nothing
flows through you and makes you
forget time
everyone tells you It's coming back
It' coming
back but you just wonder
when and how

I am relieved to be
in your life again I am
a bit
lost for words
I freak
already

I hate
sad poetry
I hate when flood gates
do not open
stuck inside
bite
grind
I hate
sad poetry

It feels like
the middle of the day and yet
you are
tired
It feels like a river that does not flow

Nothing is an option anymore everything
dull as if
not yet in sunlight not in darkness everything
is not as it was and it was never as it is
now
you are
bored
and you can feel it
like thick air melting without
room
to go
you can smell it like you smelled roses before
you can
touch
it like you would touch silk or leather only that
this touch
is reminiscent of nothing that you need to dig deeper for
deeper
and this
boredom
blocks every attempt to do so
to dig
deeper
for feelings

I cannot see it
yet
and dare not
letting go

You taught me about
the blind spot I fear you are
mine

You think you throw bombs
and they destroy me
I throw flowers back
you think in your head
everything makes sense
you think I'm too dense
to reflect
I throw flowers back
You think you invaded my home town
you did not
you think your force overthrows me
I throw flowers back.

You pick up your pen
nightly
to get off your chest what lies on it
heavy like a stone
and you write
inch by inch
bit by bit
what needs to be written down
of all the horrors your eyes have witnessed
all the beauty that you remember
your hand shakes
pouring ink all over your page
and yet you get all the numbers right
all the names and ancient signs
You pick up your pen again this night
tonight
and you write honouring all ancient women' names
in the soft moonlit room
You put down your pen
out of breath and sweat pearling down your chest
knowing
you wrote
another night
against all odds
for the life of them

A poem without words with nothing that
hurts
your fragile skin
a poem that connects what
within
still beats for peace and freedom

A Tagging on my sleeve
a feeling
like
I cannot put my finger on it
crawls up my legs
into my chest
and rests

Progress
seems so hard to make out
at times I want to shout everyone down
and catch a glimpse of
horizon

Running wild wild he
now steps freely
own yellow eyes now in use of his own good
wild wild she is now
running freely
between pear trees under
yellow skies
wild wild they run freely
under gaze of Moon and Jupiter and Mars
wild spots in blue oceans
on a canvas of stars

All the words kept
inside for the sake of it for fear of not being
perfect enough of not fitting
the situation now they come
come up
up
up
blobbing like hot water in that volcano lake
they shoot out
like eager spring flowers
only harder
They gather only for split seconds before
they can really make sense they
drown
in that volcano lake but look
there's a whole lot of them coming out

You go inward trying to
listen
listen

but the child
does not speak to you
yet

From behind your head something
makes you feel like
a young child
afraid
and know not
what it is

From inside yourself
center
center

Still
a way to go
to where and how long you
simply cannot know it

Slowly, very slowly, the child stops fighting, starts to lay down shield and sword and crawls out of its dark corner, shifts towards the light [...]

You tell me you're
here
but I cannot find much peace and quiet and
confidence
I seem to be
unable
to settle into it
and sad impatient
restless

Today I feel like
maybe
everything's going to be
okay
again

So it seems you sit in your deepest wound
what to do, dear
what to do except
be extra kind to it
so that it
finally
may heal

Clench clench clench
Kid
I begin to feel again
It is
An empty fear

Out of the sand your
face emerges
eyes closed lids
flicker
here
here
...

A sea of white pearls
opens
in my chest
relaxing
and cool
and I can rest now

Two beds chairs
plastic floor sterile
clinic place this is
me too
in anxiety and sad
and playing
table football

Once you do love
your whole self
unconditionally
because you have set out to discover this
you'll
find
everyone who really
truly loves you
in your own heart
love does not know
seperation

Racing mind self left
behind and
momentarily blinded to your truth
let it be there share
if you like and my stomach
twists and clenches

A golden blanket wrapped
around you
Her words
I will always be with you
and you begin to accept
their feeling true

Coming through again for
what seems a very deep night
the voice
of your Heart
accepting fear and all of fear's
what ifs with a knowing conspiratorial smile

It's too much
of a stretch by now
to pretend to not see and not
be as powerful as you are and you'll
peacefully drop it

🌺

It's frightening so
so frightening to be
open and bare and the mask
fluttering in the
air beside me
a moment from
floating away

Like wet clay you lie
beside me I feel
your cool arms and shins
and I don't fear
your yellow eyes anymore

A skinny day peeks through
your window asks,
Could I come in,
you have already brewed
a second cup of coffee
your skin warm
and you listen

Old systems hanging by a thread stone walls massive built from deep fear and desire to protect what is not there yet
Deep walls cold walls already
a crack runs
through them until the edges a crack so long and thorough you know -
And you heart widens with that knowledge and great relief comes in -
that it is already inevitably on the way to
crumble now
crumble down and become
dust that flies
with the air
so that your people can see it
can believe it
I must see this through til the end you think
not knowing what exactly this means what exactly -
But it does not matter
And you have so much space
to breathe now
to breathe
And so you do just that you
fill your lungs
and

b
r
  e
a
t
  h
e

for what feels like
the first time
in ages

A bird in the night *****
its golden-blue wings
just do disturb your
ongoing thoughts of doom

You are not afraid of
a sharp blade
any longer
for you trust the purity
of your intentions
and the heart
that has never failed you

In the middle of the
grey path
amidst all the
dust and rubble and
noise there lies
a pink almond blossom
unharmed
because it followed you
and it always
does so
marking
the way

You watch
in silent amazement from
where you stand
in the middle
as time completely
rearranges itself
before your very eyes

The wind blows the grains of dry sand
away from the paper and
a question emerges
reading
Who are you
in clear letters
You remember
and hear
the earnest tone of this phrase
and no hint of your own
uncertainty
is mirrored
in this question

A breath-taking pattern on the lime stone ceiling
of flittering light square shapes
rounded
vibrating as the clear pool of water does underneath
you stand in awe -
meanwhile the words are still growing
in your heart and you know
you wait a little longer

Your hair
floating flapping
in the wind
you move
move
and you are able to
look back look forward
as far as you dare
tilt your head up
down
sideways but you
move
forward
and you need not
stop

If they were all my children I'd say
you have done well
til here
shake off the doubt
If they were all
my children
I'd say
I'm kind of proud
of you -
She
to all her children
never withholds
her trust
never does anything to truly harm
she sees you
rattling
and thus becomes
evermore calm
so as to maybe catch you
in mid-fall
soothing
the challenge
you imposed on yourself

Good to see you take it
with a laugh a smile a
teary eye from being so
connected
Good to see you are
relieved
Good
my dear
to see you hear the lightness

🌌

Are you awake says the night to the dark
weaving the light of the sparkling stars
into your warm dreaming heart
are you awake

✨

The smells the breeze the
glistening reflected
rays of sunlight
already reach you
though the sea itself
seems
out of sight