there's no hope of getting back together
i'm alive, he's not
                               last thing he said
                               was he loved me
                               and   apologized
its not the same
at all, its not;
                        "sorry i cant live with you anymore,
                  we're just not right for each other"
its;
           "i actually cant live anymore
                  we were perfect, but the world
                        is too much, it hurts too much,
                                 i'm sorry baby, i love you"

~love~
      a beautiful thing to have
when you can find it
                   or it finds you

why
          do people care
       if it is between
               two people
who love each other so much
          yet they're of the same ***
its still *love
                             maybe even stronger

how many homosexuals
           do you see getting a divorce?
      because they've "fallen out of love"

why
          do people care
  if they're in love

            love is hard enough to find
   without governments
              and religions
                             disagreeing
               and fighting
                            about their love

its love
        people need to get over it
it's no different
      to "normal couples"
                               if anything
its only normal
     to be in a relationship
  with someone
          who you actually love

~love~ made for the real thing

wake up.
roll over; closer to you
cuddle until we either,
              fall back asleep
              get hungry enough to rise
              or have somewhere to be
              - we've somewhere to be today -
a quick kiss
before climbing out of bed
you flick the kettle on
as i go to the bathroom.
i put toast in for both of us
while you use the bathroom.
          we sit down at the table
          at the same time
to drink our coffee
           eat our toast
you turn your favorite music on
        when/if our song comes on
                  i pull you up to dance
before we begin washing dishes
all the while dancing crazily
      you pull me in for a kiss
                 i squeak surprised
before holding you closer
we kiss for longer than expected
                     we'll be late for class
i pass you your pants
in exchange for my shirt.
fully dressed,
we walk out the door
       hands held firmly
ready for another day
together

i stood
                   right on the railing
               of our bridge
                         that crosses the river
             this is
where i stood
                                for twenty minutes
                                considering the idea
                                of jumping
i thought
everything through
how (if) people would miss me
what their reactions would be
how they'd blame themselves
                and i knew
things weren't bad enough
(not yet) for me to die
                    people might not depend on me, as such
                            but people would blame themselves
and the exact same thing
would happen to them
as what happened to me
when he ended his life
                                                          how could i do this
                                                          when i know
                                                          first hand
                                                          how it felt
                                                          knowing he died
                                                          and i wasn't able
                                                          to do anything
        no, i can't
i'm not desperate enough
not yet
                    i'm trying
                    to get better
                    before i'm too sad
                    to live

i don't know you at all
yeah i've read your poetry
but i don't really know you
pretty girl, stay, please
death is harsh
i know it is
it kills others around you
not just the suicider
please pretty girl
stay
pretty girl i'll talk to you
but please stay
it's your choice pretty girl
but it'd be nice if you stayed
pretty girl please stay x

remember when you showed me how
if you drank the exact amount
       of liquid inside a can
               you could sit it
                       so it sat on the very ledge
                               and nothing spilt
                                     as gravity held it
                                           along with the liquid
yet if you drank too much or
too little, it tipped and
spilt everywhere
                                        please teach me
                                        how to do this
                                        with the thoughts
                                        in my head.           and
                                        with the emotions
                                        in my heart.

i  want  to  leak  it  out
along  with  the  blood
that   runs  partnerless
in the  blue veins  that
trace lifeless pale skin

why?              why?why?                why?   why?            why?   why?             why?
    *why?         why?     why?           why?     why?             why?     why?        why?        
        why?   why?           why?    why?        why?  why?  why?        why? why?      
          why?why?              why?why?          why?         ­    why?             why?            
             why?                        why?               why?             why?             why?            
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i cant help
            but love

bookstores
                             &
     libraries

                            random people writing
        about random things
               with meaning to them

                    and they're sharing it
with everyone

locked away in a cell
    dark and lonely
  my heart yearns for escape
         but i remember why i locked it away
to keep myself safe
  i locked my heart
            away from my head
i saved myself from falling too far

lonely hearts are talkative
                             -well mine is-
i discovered that a new guard had
   been posted at the door
           peeking through
tentative and careful
       my weary heart aches to be held

making friends with the guard
          my heart entrusts it with everything
secrets spill out
    with my heart, locked away from my head
           there's nothing to stop it from spilling over
so over it goes, learning the guards secrets too

becoming closer friends, the guard
            late one night
as the heart cries from lost love
reaches into the cell
   gently picking up the hand
           and rubs the back of it with his thumb
the heart looks up
        eyes teary, broken to despair

the guard is torn apart from the hearts obvious pain
                    glancing around he reaches out to the lock
unlocking it his eyes meet the hearts
    opening the cell
            he walks inside it then
turns around and locks it behind him

you died
i tried to
         i wish i did
dying is easier
than this pain
          of living

like an exited puppy
you jump excitedly around
           with not a care for the world
other than finding it all
              you're inexperienced  
   and don't realize it hurts
           when you bite me

lay beside me in the illumination
                            of our alarm clock
set to go off in 4 hours
       no sleep was obtained
                but we feel rested
       lay your hand on my stomach
       and breathe in our scent
i want to feel
                                your soft breath
                                  on my neck
                                      as you sigh
         when realization
                kicks in that we
      cant stay this way forever;
                  my head on your chest
thoughts reduced to
         the slow thud of your heart
                                                 we're alive
                                           perfectly alive
                                                            and together
                                           perfectly    living

i wish to find out
all the valentines days
in every country
and tell you
with extra meaning
how much you mean
to me
on a different scale
of some small romance
i want all valentines days
to be for you
past and future

i dont care to be home alone
all the time and know
you have a life
and im just forever
waiting for a time when you might
remember that you once cared
about me too

i threw myself at my wall
over and over
kicks punches
hit it with my knees
elbows, shoulder, head
i wasnt trying to break through
not possible with
double brick walls
i guess it just
symbolized how
helpless i feel
when you say you dont eat
or sleep and can hardly move
i hid behind bruises and cuts
it hurts to move
i'm tired
but i'm still alive
and am willing to help
don't **** yourself
it'll **** me

~ ice cream cones
                  stripy tights
   tinted sunglasses

          desperate pain
  aching heart
           thinly spread love

i need you x ~

it doesnt faze me anymore
the cuts mean nothing
simply a way of coping
not eating, and vomiting everything
is just because im not hungry
the tears are simply water
it happens, just water
the bruises are just soft skin
not that i want it to bruise
suicidal thoughts are just me being pathetic
im really pathetic

i always wonder

why me?
why was i born
lacking in the whole
loving myself area

why me?
why did i get hurt
time after time
why am i the weakest link

why me?
why do i need medications
and supplements
to get through each day

why me?
why do i love you
why do i feel the need to live for you
when no one else made me feel this
desperate for hope, and life

lay beside me
breath into my hair
let your thoughts wonder
                    smell my heart
                    touch my love
                      hear my pain
and accept all of me
for better, for
worse
                 love me

there are beautiful things to see on cold wet nights
                     you just have to open your eyes
           and consider it

                it was a cloudy night
hence the rain storm
       but it had stopped for a moment
and the clouds shifted to show the gentle spread
   of stars beneath the wispy clouds
                        to let the moon shine
                i noticed the leaves on the trees that night
after the heavy rain
        they glistened and sparkled in the pale
                light of the moon
twinkling as the wind lightly ruffled them

                             ...

i've started shaking
                                     hot and cold shivers
                                          control me
      a sinking feeling
                                                    in my torso
                     shortened breaths
      i cant breathe
                                         choking on nothing
  heart or stomach
         sink
                             the small amounts of food
    that i ate not long ago
                   i begin to feel ill
nothing is settled in me
                                      back aches
                        become headaches
                                                       ­  i'm still shaking
    hot and cold
                   shivering
                                                 combining into pain
        i'm not handling anything well
                    panic attacks
                            anxiety
    not eating
    not sleeping
                                  no i'm not handling this well
         i'm not dealing
               i cant cope

i'm copying your
imperfections
and scars
onto my skin
to recreate
the map
that found
my heart

without you
around
                  near               reachable

the world becomes nothing

a colorless place where life ceases to be happy
                      the sky goes mottled gray
     dark clouds clouds shift over
            all the colors of the world leak out
like when the plug is pulled
                          to let water out of the bath
it goes out
          and away from everything

the most beautiful flowers
               loose their brightest hues
                                       air grows thicker as it
        gets harder to breathe
                   almost like loosing a lung
though assured my body is whole

trees leaves look dead in spring
             brown and dry, lifeless

                 the sun beams down hotter than ever
the moon brings the coldest weather
      the stars dim in the sky
like they have lost their inner fire
        so the darkest clouds cover them
                               as a thick woolen blanket.

all beauty dies or despairs
hidden away for better times
when you are around
                        ....