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Oct 2014 · 838
life is painful
maybella snow Oct 2014
im better
not fixed
not perfect
but better

the medications cleared my head like wind off the sea
i cant remember the last time i had a clear thought
70ml prozac along with a mix of anti psychosis to sleep with
i wake up more often not hating my life
im not suicidal
i still want pain
but i want to live
Jun 2014 · 588
still ticking
maybella snow Jun 2014
i still dont know
why i pushed people away
and im sorry
its no explaination
but ****
                      i miss you
i miss talking
im on medication now
eating disorder in tow
self harm addiction
2 weeks clean
                                       yet finally
                                       im proud
                            im still alive
i made a new hellopoetry ~ snow queen
please follow ♡ i will follow back
i miss you guys
May 2014 · 482
code names
maybella snow May 2014
when your skin stings in the shower, and get close to a bit of metal you name cat
when you become close friends with the toilet, and name her mia
when you know the depths of the darkness, and recignise deb
when you feel the emptiness known as ana
and when you know the temptation of sue

im sorry
maybella snow May 2014
did you find me beautiful
after you broke me?
like shattered glass
did i glint in the light?
like rippled water
did i distort your image?

or was it the
process of breaking me
that made beautiful?
maybella snow May 2014
i wish to find out
all the valentines days
in every country
and tell you
with extra meaning
how much you mean
to me
on a different scale
of some small romance
i want all valentines days
to be for you
past and future
sorry its been so long my medication affected my writing an shif anyway yeah ·♡·
maybella snow Apr 2014
i always wonder

why me?
why was i born
lacking in the whole
loving myself area

why me?
why did i get hurt
time after time
why am i the weakest link

why me?
why do i need medications
and supplements
to get through each day

why me?
why do i love you
why do i feel the need to live for you
when no one else made me feel this
desperate for hope, and life
sigh
maybella snow Mar 2014
I starved myself
for 45 hours
am I skinny yet?
I covered myself
with cuts so
people would look
deeper than
my skin and
see the real me
am I pretty yet?
sorry it's been so long
Mar 2014 · 455
"you have to save yourself"
maybella snow Mar 2014
i know i have
to save myself
but will anyone ever
be willing to be
the band aid
that holds
the slashed up
skin on my
wrists
together?
maybella snow Mar 2014
more tears cried
less hours slept
more blood spilt
less food intake
more dark shadows
less bright eyes

is this all i am anymore?
a pathetic state of
depression?

i don't know what
was worse, a
broken heart i was able
to blame on my love.
or a broken soul
that was deformed
to begin with.
Feb 2014 · 578
spinal & vocal cords
maybella snow Feb 2014
I want to know
if touching my skin
ever gave you
tingles down your spine

because simply hearing
you speak, made me shivers
down mine
maybella snow Feb 2014
I'm trying to find someone
who knows about the
cracks and defects
of my heart and mind
and want them to gather
the pieces of
broken glass
so they can heat it
and recreate it
as their own
Feb 2014 · 437
reflective mirrors
maybella snow Feb 2014
its like im in a hole. its really deep and dark
and looking up there is                              light
but its too far                            away                 .
i know i will  never  be  able to reach it. this
hole im stuck in.    it has windows so people
see me.    theyre looking at me but they cant
reach me.    they cant          touch               me
                        i can only just see their outline. i
walk around in circles walk around in circles
that is unless im just sitting. too tired to move
theres no way    out                too tired to live
maybella snow Feb 2014
my head throbs
and the vivid dreams
as a side effect of my
medication makes me so tired.
I dream that I'm
laying or siting in bed
at night and I can't sleep
so every morning
I wake up and wonder
did I get any sleep at all last night?
and all I want is the throbbing to stop
and to be able to do the things I know
I can do but I just can't at the time
this makes me so so so angry
that I lay in bed thinking
about how I am going no where
and all this is
is the endless tourture
of depression
                                          *(i wish i was more scared to die, than i am to live and fail)
Feb 2014 · 1.7k
am I even normal
maybella snow Feb 2014
ironic how
those "asthma attacks"
weren't what anyone thought
ironic how
I took teddys or toys with me
everywhere, because I couldn't cope
ironic how
I took heaps of days off school
because I forced myself to be sick
ironic how
this happened when
I was younger
ironic how
I have had panic attacks
since I can remember
and my parents didn't know
what was wrong with me
ironic how
I've been at risk of depression
since a young child
and everyone thought I was
simply shy
ironic how
I've never been scared of death
psychologist said I've had anxiety since I was young and havebeen at risk of sever depression for ages... I guess it's no ones fault at all.. I'm just ****** up
Feb 2014 · 618
and this scares me
maybella snow Feb 2014
my life seems
to be controlled
by black shadows
and white pills
Feb 2014 · 622
i think not
maybella snow Feb 2014
fully medicated
and now I think
I'm finally able
to try and
accept the love
you attempted
to give me
are you still
willing
to give it?
Feb 2014 · 873
"i miss you"
maybella snow Feb 2014
i miss me too
the happy me
but i miss you
and i wish
i could take
everything
bad back
i miss you
I miss loving you
maybella snow Feb 2014
warm blankets
cover me yet
there seems to be
a new coating
of frost on my skin
rippling tired
depressive wakes
behind me
shadows are
attached yet mine
is lacking in
a certain lustar
because it's constantly
fading... or maybe
I'm just slowy
disintegrating
into something
sharp and cold
and no longer
human
I'm seeing a psychologit  tomorrow.. I'm scared and am probably going to be medicated soon I need someone to hold me hah
maybella snow Feb 2014
I want to scream at all the people
who pushed me down
I want to yell in their faces
for making me hate myself
I shouldn't want to
**** myself
my only pleasure shouldn't be
in the form of a metal blade
that's wrong it's ****** up
I want to scream at everyone
who said I was ugly
im not happy with myself no
but some girls want my curves
some guys stare at me
I want to yell in the faces of
those who call me fat ugly short
I don't need your crap
I want to want myself
I want to be loved
I want that so bad
                                                        sometimes
                                      I think maybe someone
                                          will ask me out
                                                      on valentines day
                                       sometimes I think
                                                it might happen
but it won't
and that's life
im me and I
do still think
of suicide
but I also
want to be
happy
Feb 2014 · 846
my fault. my harm
maybella snow Feb 2014
I wonder if you ever remember the nights
where all I did was listen to you breathe
and no nightmares came

I don't remember what it's like anymore
to feel at peace with a human, comfortable
because I want to cover myself in scars
so maybe I can finally toughen up
and get use to no one wanting
or loving me
Feb 2014 · 403
tired, that's all
maybella snow Feb 2014
dull my eyes
as I slide into a room
glance for exists
windows and doors
my feet never fully
leave the ground anymore
I know I won't fly
that is until the light
is completely gone
if my hands shake
anxiety levels double
look down, hide face
it's okay no one cares anyway
tears fall none the less
I'm tired
maybella snow Feb 2014
I didn't get to school today
I woke up
usual time
and lay still
my arms felt like they were
strapped to the bed
my legs felt like the bones
had been replaced with lead
my shoulder sunk into the matress
and my head was stuffed with
cotton or water
I wasn't able to move
so I cried
and after a while
of crying I finally lifted a shoulder
nothing was wrong with me
but the weight
I just couldn't move


look what depression is doing to me
how am I meant to live through this?
Feb 2014 · 553
90% likely I'm fucked
maybella snow Feb 2014
3am
and I
forgot
what
it's like
to feel
useless
to the
universe
71 out of 100, mental health warning is high and somehow it feels like a lie
maybella snow Jan 2014
why can't I stop
thinking all these
harsh poems you
write are for me
I'm trying to
remember
what you
know
                                     are they about me?
                                     because I'm blaming
                                     myself for your unhappiness
                                     so I'm sorry
                                     please
just be happy
Jan 2014 · 995
alternative help
maybella snow Jan 2014
I'm empty
but filling slowly up
with self hate
why would anyone love me
when I don't love myself
I don't respect myself
I don't even see anything of me to respect
my stomach isn't flat
my thighs rub together
and my arms are disgusting
my sides are lumpy
and I'm short
                                                  I gag at myself in the mirror
how could I be so disgusting
no wonder no one wants me
no wonder I lay alone every night
the only presence I have is death
because it looms like possibilities

I want someone to want me
to say it's okay that you don't
like yourself, because I love
everything about you
I want someone to help
I need help
help convincing myself
I'm worth living
I'm worth trying

this counselling **** does nothing
******* prove to me I'm worth something
and not just a hole in the groud
tell me I'm beautiful
even though I won't believe it
I'll believe the look in your eyes

someone
help me
someone
love me
Jan 2014 · 642
midnight thoughts midday
maybella snow Jan 2014
leave me in awe
at the soft skin
inside your elbow
let me rest my cheek
against your chest
in surrender
be brave enough
to let me hear
your heart beat
delicately kiss
the scars I hide
because I trust
you
maybella snow Jan 2014
lay in bed
cool sheet covering you
and think
                                            or remember
that time you were
ignored by a                 friend                  ?
wonder what it's like
to be them
do they think it was harsh?
maybe               or maybe they were scared
never will you know
what they thought then
and does it matter?
if they            remain in your life
is it because you were loving enough
to forgive them               maybe
they didn't deserve you
                                                                   either way
it hurt didnt it?
Jan 2014 · 539
af(fake)ection
maybella snow Jan 2014
let me steal the light
from your eyes
because you stole
the light from mine
in a heartless display
of affection
because you wanted
to light up the stars
as they were sad

did you forget
the fact you took
the light from my
heart, now it's left
with the likes of the
underworld and my
light is in heaven
right where you
put it, in the
stars so they
could shine
this is horribly bad sorry
maybella snow Jan 2014
crackle rumble boom*
power and strength
rolls through the sky
as water falls
either the gods are
angry or simply
having one hell
of a party
maybe heaven
is trying to dampen
hells flames

either way
I love storms
maybella snow Jan 2014
no


you still


hurt me


yes


I still


need you
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
the acquaintance on the wall
maybella snow Jan 2014
consisting of eyes it sits there on the wall wondering what wondering is like and liking where it's thoughts wondered. eyes sat still seated no where in particularly yet sitting. watching in wonder waiting to see what the sad girl who happened to sleep where it lived living happily while she simply lived. it waited and watched. watched and waited. wondering why if she brought home a man he left soon after. she cried. it wondered what there was to cry about. she had a bed. she ate and slept. showered and dressed. studied and learnt. yet she cried. and cried. distressed about what was wrong with her it wondered. it especially wondered why she had red lines on her wrists that she covered. but she ate and slept. lived and cried every day.

she felt the pressure getting to her. texts to read tests to pass. and the pain was persistent. not possible to pin point. it was everywhere. covering her from hea to toe was an aching throb. some days when the ache wouldn't stop. the only way to focus it on one point. was with a blade. simple and harsh.

it got lost in the missing spaces of the girls life. live simply to live simple as that.
my thoughts make no
sence I know sorry
Jan 2014 · 533
why love love?
maybella snow Jan 2014
what's the space between space called
what makes the darkness darker
where's the highest height, lowest low
how does light lighten up things
how is there a place between places
how does a smell stay smelly
what gravitates gravity
why can't I stop loving and needing you
maybella snow Jan 2014
I tripped over myself
looking for where
you hid my heart
rib cage empty
thoughts blaring
I drank little
too much
I noticed my words
slured and he looked
sideways at me when
I slowed down
yet he never stopped
to give me a hand
I guess that shows
how I mean nothing to him

I managed to text broken
letters to him at 12:30am
and he was still awake
hours away, in a bed
I messed up
told him I wanted to die
he told me to stop drinking
and find somewhere
off the streets to sleep
he didn't tell me to
go die or get help
because after all
I drank little
too much
maybella snow Jan 2014
is it worth it?
falling apart
and blaming
myself? I mean
I'm the one
who has mental
issues, I shouldnt
take to heart
when no one
wants me.
except the dark

I know I get judged
for the way I wear
my eyeliner
I look "goth"
sometimes
but I only do it
as a secret promise
to myself that
i am not permitted
to cry that day
because it would
smudge.
name call all you want
but I'm the one who's
forcing myself not to
cry
maybella snow Jan 2014
it bothers me
that your arm
is more comfortable
than my pillow

or maybe it just
bothers me that your
arm isn't under
my head now
maybella snow Jan 2014
swirl me at the bottom
of your drink, contemplating
the thought, of leaving it
warm and flat,
not the best part
of anything.

breathe me in
like the last little bit
of your cigarette.
you lit me up and drew
me in, I'm a killer at heart
not in nature
but step on me
when you're done
*chuckle*
maybella snow Jan 2014
is it too much to imagine
that a fool like you could
pity a fool like me

they say
birds of a feather
flock together
yet appariently
family is forever too
yet everyone knows
that's not always the truth

because some families
are bound to be broken
along with the hearts
of unwilling and unknowing
children where mommy
no longer likes daddy
and daddy's bedtime stories
stop being told
along with mommy's
new drinking problem

to these children
with the likes of the tooth
fairy and easter bunny
do they realise
that the bogies
in their closets
moved two houses down
and became that man
who preys on young
girls in their skirts

would you pity
that girl
who was attacked
by the bogie man
or do you pity
the father who
wasnt there to stop it
maybe you should pity
the younger brother
who hung himself
after the bogie man
was released
and the mother
who lost herself
in her drink

swirling at the bottom of a glass
thinking that maybe
if she haddent had fallen
for that dark haired
handsome man who
wasn't her husband
would she had been able
to keep that bogie
harmlessly in a closet
to hang with coats
maybella snow Jan 2014
10 words

about someone
who would think less
of me than anyone
Jan 2014 · 812
apologies my lord
maybella snow Jan 2014
hold yourself above
the scars of my heart
displayed on my wrist
stomach and thighs
hold yourself
higher than my
low life
existence
maybella snow Jan 2014
you hang in the cut out
snowflakes above my bed
watching and waiting
for a wind to ruffle you

you hide in the hardness
under my bed
behind the objects that
dont get every day use

you sit in the closet
across from my window
where light is rare
unless left open

you wait in my mirror
for me to glance
upon my own eyes
holding your sadness

this is all you've left me with
how is this love fair
Jan 2014 · 865
snow queen
maybella snow Jan 2014
if my name really were
maybella snow
id wish to live
in the simple form
of poetry
shaped words
if only
maybella snow Jan 2014
10 words


and its your choice
if you get lost in them
Jan 2014 · 804
cheshi an dot
maybella snow Jan 2014
im a week clean
mostly because
of the two lives
that i have to keep going
two kittens
a boy named cheshire
and a girl named dorathy (or dot)
their gently enquiring eyes
checking to make sure
the tears have finally stopped
tracking down my face
their life as they
know theyve done
something naughty
as they sprint around my room
how they fall asleep
heads  resting on my chest
because they need me
theyre keeping me going
more than people realise
maybella snow Jan 2014
i love that gentle touch you have left for me
                             after 11 at night
when we're lost in breathing
and holding onto
                                         future struggles
i love the slight pitch change of your voice
when you laugh at my jokes
               and chuckle when my voice breaks
after 1am as it always does
                                                  when im tired
i love that you ask if im feeling well
inquiring about the last mental
                                                  breakdow­n i had
simply needing to know
that im okay
                          not what why when
i love how you call me
               sweetie
                     dear
                        love
to catch my attention
to ask what time it is
and whether i need sleep
by which its 2am
and im in love with you
maybella snow Dec 2013
the cord I tied around my neck
wasn't tight enough to ****
I passed out, notebook
in hand asleep
Dec 2013 · 584
new year
maybella snow Dec 2013
good luck
I wish you all
the best
maybella snow Dec 2013
dying alone isn't as scary as I thought it would be
bye x

I'm sorry
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
simply understanding
maybella snow Dec 2013
i was in one of my horrible ******
suicidal moods, that I seem to
have more often than not
and although I took all my anger
and pain, out on him, he wasn't
angry or upset. he simply said
"I love you, it's all okay,
I need to sleep, I'm not upset,
I'll talk to you in the
morning love."

and I wonder
how he can
love me
and how I
don't deserve it
Dec 2013 · 530
together?
maybella snow Dec 2013
well his eyes aren't blue
but he holds the sky
in his gaze
and his body isn't muscly
but he is able to hold
back the demons
his mind isn't light
but his thoughts
get flighty
his heart isn't strong
but it beats and
two is better
than one
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