dope me up to my eyeballs
maybe then they'll be pretty

i know i have
to save myself
but will anyone ever
be willing to be
the band aid
that holds
the slashed up
skin on my
wrists
together?

i have a heart
despite what i thought
its still there        
but all my energy                            
has been leaked                          
and i wake
i laugh
i cry    
i smile
i live  
i sleep
but i can't find it
anywhere in myself
to love
my heart is taken              
how can i give it      
to another?

on occasion                  
   i think i'm pretty
and i almost believe it too
then                                            
all the comments flash
all the looks                  
all the unkindness      
all the memories          
of being called  
fat, gross, ugly  
it hurts to add on
it hurts to think
because                            
you were the first
random person
the only person,
who didn't know me
an almost stranger
to call me beautiful

i can't help but wonder              
is it all a lie?

i hate that horrible feeling              
when you catch something
but not quite                              
and you know          
its just going to slip              
through your fingers                  
and                    

hit the ground

and there's nothing                                        
you can do                                
to catch it properly                                            
as it clunks
and hits the floor
there's no changing
how it happened          

you just didn't                                    
grasp it                                                        
good enough                                  
f            
a  
l          
l  
i    
n          
g

you're the pale disk of floating in my sky
untouchable and unreachable                                
yet you're always there

floating, unmoving but there                                        
even in the day                                                
sitting umong the clouds
set upon a blue backdrop                      
i find you constantly during the day
searching the sky frantically to re locate you                                      
but you're always there                              

at night it becomes easier to find you            
but harder to ignore you too

your pale, distinct light is a reliable roommate
i'm always up at night                                                
i can't help it, you're at your brightest then      
i can't ignore you    
can't sleep while you're near
i wouldn't want to                                                    

maybe that's why i sleep peaceful  
on stormy nights      
when you're not keeping me up            

not that the moon can help shining
brighter at night
than in the day                      

[ ~ ]

you looked surprised              
and frustrated              
then dad made a comment like
"see she can laugh"          
and you growled for me to go to bed              
(10:57pm) i wouldn't sleep anyway                                              
what you didn't see
was by the time
you couldn't see my face        
tears had began to
trickle down my cheeks
faster and faster
until i lay down
and let them all
f                          
a                  
l          
l

you yell at me          
tell me how stupid i am              
i believe it
you're my mother after all                          
and then
you burst into tears    
when you think
i don't love you anymore              
you're scared of me leaving
so you gently hug me              
this always worked                              
i'd burst into tears
you'd cry too              
and all would be forgiven
but now
i've realized                    
i never said anything    
i never hurt you              
you hurt me
always          
i'm done apologizing                                
for things i didn't do                                    
now        
you tell me not to treat you                          
like an enemy                          
maybe      
you've        
become
one
but you did it to yourself                  
and i'm so confused              
shut down                      
to when you walk up to me                            
and gently hug me            
as you used to

standing against the wind
shading people                  
creating air for the world  
growing leaves                  
small green sprouts          
blooming flowers              
dropping seeds                  
roots extended into the ground                  
as my leaves slowly change                  
to colours of red, orange                  
yellow, brown                  
to loose my luxurious leaves
as they dance
and fall around my trunk
swirling in the wind
until i'm bare
and i have time to            
sleep during winter            
waiting to blossom
and my leaves to grow
once again                      
and i can shade people

it broke my heart
that he died
he's gone
my love
is gone
but please                    
i'm trying to cope                  
and that means                  
although people might
dissagree with my methods
but i'm trying really hard
not to think                          
about the emptiness
that was filled by him
it's cold
and i find myself shaking
but please                
let me try and forget
it's not that i don't like people
saying this                                    
if they really are sorry      
about my loss        
it just hurts
more every time

it has been a few days
since I have felt the
pleasure of pain
and oh how I
miss that sting
rush of adrenaline
a wide awakening
and harsh coloring
but oh how I
miss that sting

blood bleeds red                    
just as my heart beats          
dead

dull my eyes
as I slide into a room
glance for exists
windows and doors
my feet never fully
leave the ground anymore
I know I won't fly
that is until the light
is completely gone
if my hands shake
anxiety levels double
look down, hide face
it's okay no one cares anyway
tears fall none the less
I'm tired

i was unable to sleep last night              
everything was too loud
clocks ticked                                                  
fans whirred                                    
these noises were
amplified
by the night      

though the noises were pounding
loud                                  
obnoxious          
they weren't loud enough                        
to quieten the thoughts in my head.


they spun              
dancers are beautiful by themselves          
but together
with no obvious rhythm      
and with so many
they crash                  
bump              
and disturb
the dancers surrounding them      

they spun uncontrollably fast
chaos playing their part too            
only stopping      a short      time to catch their breath

hours later they begin to tire          
become stif and jerky in their movements                    

a wind begins to blow    
softly and swiftly moving past the dancers                
with a sudden serge of power  
it speeds up                              
whips around                  

the dancers get carried along with it
turning and swirling faster and faster        
their rough grace returns  

the dancers spin away faster with the wind on their back
whirring like little spin tops                
in and around each other

in no time                
a wind storm has been created    
powerful and ruthless
destroying everything            
but those dancing
thoughts

did you find me beautiful
after you broke me?
like shattered glass
did i glint in the light?
like rippled water
did i distort your image?

or was it the
process of breaking me
that made beautiful?

i reached my hand into the fireplace today
just then actually                        
i was bored, and wasn't thinking
other than the fact, that it was so pretty
and delicate,
i just wanted to touch it                          
so i reached in                                          
and it took too long                          
for feeling and sense to kick in
because my finger is now
blistered

i had a dream
that you were here
holding me safe
in this dream
i wanted to talk to you
so i was simply going to open
my eyes, and talk to you
i woke                                                             ­                         
i opened my eyes                                                             ­      
and instead of you holding me                                            
the reality of your absence                                                     
weig­hed down                                                             ­           
because i was awake                                                            ­  
and you slept                                                            ­              
six feet down                                                             ­             
never to wake again                                                            ­  
this is why i don't sleep
because i'll wake up alone
the nightmares of your death
used to keep me awake
now the dreams of your life
makes me not want to sleep
because i want to sleep forever
six feet down
held safe in your arms
never to wake again

if I told you
I was going to die
tomorrow
would you
remember the first
message I sent you
or maybe
you'd remember
the first time
you realised
it was love

everyone
let        
me  
be