****//everything hurts//cant breathe//****//help//crying//ugh//no//i love you//ugh

i doubt my reason for living
                    without my love

aim and
                  fire!
  my heart caught alight
you hit me
         dead on

if your arms were a destination
             i'd fly to it
if your lips were the sky
        i'd bask in it
if your hair was sea ****
                i'd get lost in it
if your eyes were the trees
     i'd live in them
if your heart was an ocean
           i'd die in it

funny these poems of "love"
when i dont love you
im stuck on him
i love him
not you

i punched a wall, many times today

             i should apologise to it, it did nothing wrong

my creative flow
is no longer a natural,
beautiful downhill stream
it's a mountain hike
where the water
gives up

.          i was happy last night
until i remembered
           im not allowed to be happy
           i cried myself to sleep
why? i dont know
   but im not meant to be happy
          i dont deserve it

this morning i was happy
                        i smiled as i yawned
then they barged in,
the whole family
         and reminded me
    happiness isnt for me
                and i cut open my skin
    once again i bled
                                                            because
                          i dont deserve to be happy
ever

i have to learn
that i can               be happy
with two
                         helium                     balloons
and                                     a cake
happy sweet sixteen
me

catch me in a whirl wind
swirl me through life
chuck me in a washer
let me tumble dry

it's been a while since i've woken up
          before everyone
   its quiet
                           and restful
       there's also no one
                          giving me looks

those will come though
when everyone else wakes too

i got the messages you sent                                                                      i replied to all of them
                                                     now i'm just waiting for your reply

                                                                                                                               will you actually send one?
                                                                                                                                              i hope so
because the last thing i sent was
                             *"i love you"

stared through
                        smudged
                          smeared
they're forever
not looked at
instead looked through
                                  do they understand
                                  they're needed?
they keep in warmth
they keep out wind
they keep in cold
they let in wind
                                                they have a purpose:
                                     to be not looked at
                                     instead looked
                                     through

'                                                       i feel numb
                   but its different
its the type of numb
       you feel when
                      you've been crying too long

                                       your brain
                                                     body
                                                        soul
                                                          is exhausted

              so it stops everything
                                                 feeling
                                                    thinking
                                            wanting
                                      being
                                                         just to rest
for a while, nothing matters
                      you don't care about anything
                                           you've cried all your tears away
                       along with the last problem
                                          you had struggles with

  and you feel
                               numb

                                                             that different type of
                                           numb

**∞

that dark pipe that
             connects us
i remember a light
                at the end
        where i'd only
have to travel to it
      and everything
      would be okay
                       again

your light died
you're gone
you aren't coming back
your life died

i'm waiting
                                     for you to walk in the door
                           wrap your arm around my waist
                 kiss the skin below my ear on my neck
                     and whisper to me that you love me

its never going to happen
yet i still
                         wait and expect
                                  and then get too disappointed
                                            when you never walk in

this morning
        i chased my thoughts away
                       with physical pain
this afternoon
               i chased my pain away
                         with mental guilt
this night
               i chased my guilt away
                           with literal tears

i need you
please, understand why

is it normal
to feel claustrophobic
inside my own skin?
                            skin that grew with me
as years passed
   burnt in summer sun
chilled in winter
               i think
                              the scar tissue
is making me
            claustrophobic
because i cant
breathe
               i'm stuck
here
inside this body
      and i want
to escape

when your body spasms
           you force back screams
the pain is inside
smashing your hand
          into your head
to make thoughts stop
to focus the pain
somewhere else
               clawing at skin
trying to stop that pain
                   internal pain
                       that echoes your head
          and radiates down your spine
     its an addiction
    to change internal pain
into external
                             so i can sleep at night
                                       dream (nightmare) free

i love how sweet you are to me
   i hate that the rest of the world doesn't see
                     the kind,
                           caring,
                           forgiving,
                           loving,
                           amazing person you are
you disguise yourself
         hide it behind insanity,
                                   hate,
                                   loathing,
but i love that the only thing
            you don't hide
        is how much you love me

the wall seems to be unaffected by my apologies