i don't think
you quite understand
how much
                            i need you
to get better
for me
to get better
            because i cant
live with another
         death on my mind
and he told me
                        to look after you
                        to help you
make it out
alive
                  so i am;
            i'm living for you
understand this
please, i'm just scared
to tell you outright
but it's true
                                     besides my best friend, with obvious reasons
     you're why
                           i'm fighting death
     you're why
                           i'm trying
     you're why
                           i'm waking in the morning
i know
this could be a pressure to you
maybe thats why i haven't said anything
but please, read between the lines
realize i'm helping you
to help me
                                           to get us both out
              of this self inflicted dungeon alive
    don't make my struggles worth nothing
help me
                  this team of two
     might just make it then
                                                   but i need you to pitch in okay?

i need you
please, understand why

waiting for someone
to take me away;
home
i couldn't stop
the thoughts of you
going around
  and around
                      in my mind
i miss you
so much x

eyelashes;
they hold one another
                only at night
but they're constantly
                            brushing each other
                            throughout the day
                            for less than a second
of embracing
before being
                                               ripped                      apart
to once again
hold the other
at night when
               eyes are **closed

rippled water
  sunlit stones
                         your figure outlined
                         reflected in the hues
like a memory
     you stand here
edging my sanity
                                                    please, someone distract me tomorrow
                                                    i'm scared
               someone hold me to sleep
                          wipe away the tears
                                                                   voices haunt
                                                    i'm scared
          someone hold insanity away
                      distract me from tears
                                                    i'm sorry
*hold me safe?

i'm still alive
and it has almost
                       passed a month
            of my living
without you living
           i don't know
how i'm going to be
                                                 will i be asleep
                                                 when the time ticks over?
                                                 will i be dreaming of you?
                               or maybe
                               i'll be awake
helping your kin
the twin you left
               he's struggling too
                           and i worry
for us.

i stood
                   right on the railing
               of our bridge
                         that crosses the river
             this is
where i stood
                                for twenty minutes
                                considering the idea
                                of jumping
i thought
everything through
how (if) people would miss me
what their reactions would be
how they'd blame themselves
                and i knew
things weren't bad enough
(not yet) for me to die
                    people might not depend on me, as such
                            but people would blame themselves
and the exact same thing
would happen to them
as what happened to me
when he ended his life
                                                          how could i do this
                                                          when i know
                                                          first hand
                                                          how it felt
                                                          knowing he died
                                                          and i wasn't able
                                                          to do anything
        no, i can't
i'm not desperate enough
not yet
                    i'm trying
                    to get better
                    before i'm too sad
                    to live

a pretty light
        of inspiring qualities
                                                    a weight lifted
                           depressing emotions shifted
less    alone
in  a  world
filled   with
oppression
                                       an easy smile
                      troubled thoughts
                           warm hugs
                                           easy ways
pink dresses
take away coffee
warm blankets
                                      soaked in a hue of happiness
                                      naturally bight and warm
a wonderful person
in a beautiful package
thankyou b
                       i am, and will be
           forever grateful
                  for the love
                            i love you too x

SO ******* ******

remember when you showed me how
if you drank the exact amount
       of liquid inside a can
               you could sit it
                       so it sat on the very ledge
                               and nothing spilt
                                     as gravity held it
                                           along with the liquid
yet if you drank too much or
too little, it tipped and
spilt everywhere
                                        please teach me
                                        how to do this
                                        with the thoughts
                                        in my head.           and
                                        with the emotions
                                        in my heart.

i'm seeing things
right                                                                                                            there
              in the corner of my eye
    i'm hearing things
in the timbre of your voice
                yet i have no idea
                         what you're saying
          i think i'm crazy
                    no need to tell me
             but i swear
                                                   i felt you here
                                         just a presence, but yours
it's
         most likely
             just my head
                     playing tricks
                           being weird
                                 hurting me
                                     imagining it
         and its hurting
                   me so much

there's no hope of getting back together
i'm alive, he's not
                               last thing he said
                               was he loved me
                               and   apologized
its not the same
at all, its not;
                        "sorry i cant live with you anymore,
                  we're just not right for each other"
its;
           "i actually cant live anymore
                  we were perfect, but the world
                        is too much, it hurts too much,
                                 i'm sorry baby, i love you"

when others make it for you
by pushing you down far
enough, to force your choice
to **** yourself

*bullies? family? no one?

not good

your hand slides through mine
a pale figure unseen by eyes
         a cold warmth
         hold me tight
                                           you may be here
                                                  but not alive
handling lies
        after lies
                             don't leave me
                   your ghost is all i have
      though i know
                          its just me imagining it
                  but i cant let you go
                                                            i need you here
                                                        ghost or not
                                                            i need you
                                     even the thought of you
a ghost
lonely
holding my hand
supporting me
                                                   hold me love
                                                 give me a sign
                                                     help me live
                                                     because i'm struggling

i  want  to  leak  it  out
along  with  the  blood
that   runs  partnerless
in the  blue veins  that
trace lifeless pale skin

in three weeks
i've lost 10kg
= 22 pounds
and i didn't even notice
                i wasn't eating
                      no one did

i've started shaking
                                     hot and cold shivers
                                          control me
      a sinking feeling
                                                    in my torso
                     shortened breaths
      i cant breathe
                                         choking on nothing
  heart or stomach
         sink
                             the small amounts of food
    that i ate not long ago
                   i begin to feel ill
nothing is settled in me
                                      back aches
                        become headaches
                                                       ­  i'm still shaking
    hot and cold
                   shivering
                                                 combining into pain
        i'm not handling anything well
                    panic attacks
                            anxiety
    not eating
    not sleeping
                                  no i'm not handling this well
         i'm not dealing
               i cant cope

there was no chalk outline
there was no accident
                  no wheels screeching before impact
     but i think
there would have been tears
                          in your eyes
                    under the water
or you held them
so tight
to block out light
                    i'd think
the water wasn't too cold
it was summer over there
                                        this wasn't an accident
          a suicide
           planed
and executed
by you
                        at least
                 there's no one hurting you
                      and no more pain
                              no life
i love you baby
rest in peace
forever
with my love x

no one holds me at night
no one hugs me in the street
no one hangs onto my hand
no one wants me
no one