i'm tired, not simply
physically tired
mentally,
wholeheartedly
i'm exhausted
and sadly enough
i'm just waiting
for someone
to rock me
to sleep

lay beside me in the illumination
                            of our alarm clock
set to go off in 4 hours
       no sleep was obtained
                but we feel rested
       lay your hand on my stomach
       and breathe in our scent
i want to feel
                                your soft breath
                                  on my neck
                                      as you sigh
         when realization
                kicks in that we
      cant stay this way forever;
                  my head on your chest
thoughts reduced to
         the slow thud of your heart
                                                 we're alive
                                           perfectly alive
                                                            and together
                                           perfectly    living

lay beside me
breath into my hair
let your thoughts wonder
                    smell my heart
                    touch my love
                      hear my pain
and accept all of me
for better, for
worse
                 love me

ragged breaths and torn skin
     healing cuts and slow movements
sheets crumple as you toss and turn
lost within thoughts and broken memories
         emerald leaves and sapphire skies
tumbling to a lowly height
losing a love to death
losing a life to love
missing a heart
while holding one

silken voice
sliding through
vulnerable gaps
into various hearts
you sing me to sleep
with your breaths
a sweet lullaby
in uneven
tunes

remembering something
you learn an age ago
do you just
     have to close your eyes
and wait
        wait for your fingers
              to hit the right keys
in perfect synchrony
   and let the music flow
                    do you just wait
and the chords animate
            is this how love works?
       the long forgotten keys
are hidden in depths
                                  just waiting
for you to close your eyes
                  and let it fly

you remind me that
some     animals
are    exited
to wake
up

somehow
i changed
into my
very own
monster
i hide in
closets
under beds
ready to
**** at
any time
but i'm
not even
scared
anymore
the demons
in my head
and the
angel in
my heart
all created
this
monster;
me

climbing back into bloodstained sheets
memories crash down like waves on rocks
the faint tinge of death and stench of sadness
re-locating and checking old hiding places
of unused self torture devices
my mind ticks over
and tears fall
i'm home
again
                                                    i miss you

i'm copying your
imperfections
and scars
onto my skin
to recreate
the map
that found
my heart

it pains me
to say
i'm addicted
to the pain
i'm sorry

my creative flow
is no longer a natural,
beautiful downhill stream
it's a mountain hike
where the water
gives up

catch me in a whirl wind
swirl me through life
chuck me in a washer
let me tumble dry

i have to learn
that i can               be happy
with two
                         helium                     balloons
and                                     a cake
happy sweet sixteen
me

what we could have become
you were perfect
       why                why        why        why
why       why                            why                 why
        wasn't i there
   to save you
              to stop you
and you'd be alive today
we'd be so happy
everything would be perfect

"its your fault that everything dies;
its because you don't love it enough."*
                                                                               so it was my fault
                                                                     that you killed yourself
                                                                   i mustn't have loved you
                                                                                                  enough
                                                                                           i'm so sorry
come back to me
and i'll love you
with even more
than my existence
i'll love you more
than anyone could
just come back to
me, i miss you
everything hurts
i'm sorry
it's my fault
i'm sorry
come back
please
i love you

stained rose petals
     painted skies
dyed leaves
                    and broken stems
     snapped heart strings
          and colored lies

a beautiful boy
went to heaven
despite what he thought
of his evils
                  he gave a girl love
                      like nothing else
                        like no one else
that beautiful boy
went to heaven
to be free of the pains
but he left some
              he gave the girl pain
            like nothing she'd felt
                          it crushed her
with her
beautiful boy
in heaven
                                 she lost the love
                                 he had given her
it must have flown away
alongside him to heaven
              because his girl only wants
                        to join him in heaven
                      to feel whole with love
but if she lost the love
maybe she'll never gain it back
     even then if his girl went to hell
she'd be too empty to feel anything

                            but she dreams
              of flying with her
        beautiful boy
in heaven

it has been some time
since i've been awake at
                         2:00am
       i forgot how
quite and peaceful it is
where i'm only just
                         tired enough
                that the thoughts
don't really matter now
                     and memories are just
            a faint fuzz