i don't think I'm okay
i don't know if i will be
i don't think anyone can help
i don't know what i want
i don't think you care
i don't know why i'm writing this

but i can't function
       i find myself
                               doing nothing
              all the time
          moving things
              putting them back
   shifting objects
                  myself
                  thoughts?
                                       i can't write much
                                          and that hurts a fair bit
                                  i think
              halfway through writing this nothing
                              tears began to fall
                                           but i can't recall why they did
         but all i want
                           is you to wipe them
                                                                                                away
      but please keep them safe
                        because i think
                                                         they're for
                                                         and because
                                                         of you

feeling depressed
     doesn't mean, nessisarily that i am
             depressed
i want people
            cuddles
            hugs
            kisses
                           but i don't want
                     my depressed mood
                                 to rub off on anyone
                i hold dear
                          it's simply not fair

more than gravity
    is evoking them

becoming lost in a patchwork of words
               running between the tilting letters
          ink splashes
                       paper tears
pace quickens as i run
                  a nightmare created of something i loved
       my love screams at me
                                      where did i go wrong?
they're screaming
        but clutching their ears
                       maybe they're just in pain
   did i cause their pain?
                                 no i can't have
                                      i didn't do anything
                              did i?
countless doubts
      numberless words
                          screeched like fingernails on chalk boards
             scratching down my backbone
  ripping through my head
                      shivering or shuddering?
               it's all pain now
       but is it my pain or yours?
                           there's no border anymore
its combined
               my knuckles split
                                        in contact with the wall
    no winner
             but pain is gained

you were too nice today
            i'm just waiting
    for a knife
                             to be
                   embeded in my back
   the next time
         we hug

you're disappointed with me
       i avoid your eyes
                      knowing you're seeing the flaws
  and you're disappointed
          an awkward hug is called for
"i love you"s muttered
                        i don't think we're lying
    it's just flawed truth
and disappointment

well, it's not that
     i guess i'm just so insanely
                                jealous
that they can cuddle
                 hold hands
                 put their faces close
                 and whisper
                 words of love
                 with gentle grazes
                 or adjusting postures
                 to be closer

i don't like
                 that you're too far away
                         for us to ever even hug
                                      i'd **** for a hug some days
           -most days-           not just a hug
                                                  but a hug with you
                                                                    only you

i don't want to ask for much
       but there are two things
                                   i need, please:
keep me safe, or just feeling safe when
                 the darkness closes in
      and i can't move for fear.
hold me loved, really love me when
          i can't face the light of day
                        and the numbered pressures it brings
   i promise,
i'll keep the darkness away from you
         i'll hold you loved when light presses in
just please
                          keep your promise

i can no longer look at birds
                    as they fly free through the sky
i can't stand seeing fish
                        as they're able to swim away
freedom entrapped me
no one is holding me here
but i can't leave either

no one ever wants them
but nothing really stops them

males (maybe just from my experience)
      seem to hide their pain in anger
females (maybe just my experience)
       seem to not try and show the wrong people

              male poets (maybe just my view)
   show their pain in creativeness that evokes hurt
              female poets (maybe just me)
   show their hurt in words that evoke understanding

      male poets (just what i've noticed)
           express love
       female poets (just what i think)
           express love

   maybe that's why i fell for a poet
                he expresses love, shows his pain
      maybe that's why he fell for a poet
                i express love, tell my pain right

we just understand eachother well
      ~love

wake up.
roll over; closer to you
cuddle until we either,
              fall back asleep
              get hungry enough to rise
              or have somewhere to be
              - we've somewhere to be today -
a quick kiss
before climbing out of bed
you flick the kettle on
as i go to the bathroom.
i put toast in for both of us
while you use the bathroom.
          we sit down at the table
          at the same time
to drink our coffee
           eat our toast
you turn your favorite music on
        when/if our song comes on
                  i pull you up to dance
before we begin washing dishes
all the while dancing crazily
      you pull me in for a kiss
                 i squeak surprised
before holding you closer
we kiss for longer than expected
                     we'll be late for class
i pass you your pants
in exchange for my shirt.
fully dressed,
we walk out the door
       hands held firmly
ready for another day
together

no matter how loud
          i listen to my music
even if it       p o u n d s
    its never
       loud enough to smother
the volume of my thoughts

i find myself
     sitting curled in a fetal position
rocking slightly back
                                 and forth
      with my head
in my hands
           palms pressed into my eyes
                       squashing tears back
                         keeping thoughts in
it's involuntary
i can't help it

you screamed at me,
told me how i'm not good enough
                           how i could be better.
          why were you so surprised
     when i fell to the ground
                     crying and whimpering
                muttering
"go away
     go away
  nothings wrong
        go away
          go away
     i'm fine leave me alone
             go away
               go away"
                                       with my head held
                    knuckles white
                              rocking back and forth
   why didn't you
*go away?

i'm not afraid of the dark as i used to be
     i welcome it as a friend
                                    lost lover
                                    only child
               baby,
      i miss you
it's killing me

the same as wanting to die?