I'm doubting you again
are you truly the man
I first met. or were you never
the man I thought you were
your eyes did trickery
on my heart
and I lost myself
in the folds of your hugs
maybe your smell
deceived me
with a hint of musk
to hide the blood
bleach doesn't help
stains on skin
maybe you never were real
and I'm just a fleeting
moment and thought
of lust
never love

find yourself
    lost in me

  dig yourself
                   the hole
you dug me

drag yourself
away from the
flames
of my heart

real councillors
explaining
over used
explanations
to people who
understand more
than people
believe

dark corners
with mysterious
invisible eyes
visible to those
unlucky enough
to see them
with eyelids
shut

light traces
musings
and patterns
lacing bodies
with streaks
of red
and stains
of pain

toilet bowls
lent over
by overbearing
undernourished
starved and
underweighted
figures
of bones

shaking hands
firmly planted
against brick
walls
cracked bruises
harshly noticeable
and starkly
stiffening

dried tears
only means
they were
wet once

I lay in bed


back turned to the world
curled up
hiding from everything
huddled and confused
waiting
sadly enough
for someone
to come and lay
with me
and hold me
just to hold me
love me
just because
you love me
because I'm lost
confused
and lonely
and hell
it's cold
turning your back
to  stop the pain
when it's internal
please hold me
just because

hold your skeletal hand in mine
and lets venture into the world
darkness aside, encompass love
forgive and give, forget to get
what a strange adoration i hold for you
in the depths of darkness
yet find the light
lost in my soul
discover the height and weight
that made the tower of love
reserved for you
light it up, skeleton hands
hold me close, dark heart
maybe if you lost yourself in me
i'd find myself wondering
the maze of your mind.
razor-blade walls, sharp, deadly
don't lean on the walls baby
it'll cut your skin
i'd hate for that to happen
i don't want to hurt you
no matter how you've hurt me
i'd hate myself more if i hurt you
lost in years
you've hurt yourself more
don't make me something
that causes you pain baby

i may not be
the baby dolly
lifeless eyes
cold ceramic skin
but i am lifeless
in another way
and my skin is cold
holding together
our skeleton hands

i hate that when i wake up my thoughts go to you
you're dead can this stop
please
i miss you
come back

"because i hate myself"
"how can you hate yourself so much though?!"
"i just do"

i know its difficult to understand
but i thought this through
and i've figured a way to describe what its like
i hope maybe you'll understand
a little maybe.

                                                           imagine you're angry with someone
                                      they've maybe broken something special to you
                             or forgotten to do something and it ended in disaster
                           well,  you're angry with them, so frustrated and angry
                     and you have built up rage, muscles tense and you know
                 you cant hurt them, because thats bad, and you'll feel worse

but the person you're angry with
                                                                        is you.
its like there's two of me
the me that is a body
just simple and does what its told
then there's my head
                     my mind
                     my mind gets frustrated with my body
so very angry
                     my mind punishes my body
for not being perfect enough
for not doing something perfect
for forgetting or not doing it good enough

imagine that
over every
tiny* little thing
of course i hurt myself
its how i learn
to be perfect
i'm working on it
but i'm still angry
with my body
for not performing
good enough

perscripted after
mother found me
bleeding from
my wrist
more than a
week ago going
"strong" she has
my blades but it's hard
to take the harshest weapon
when it's your head
and it's sharpened in the night

every snowflake is different
as snow queen
maybe I just got lost
finding the one that best suited me

blades away
shoved in a bin
blood well sealed
inside my skin
seventh day

I locked myself away again
hid in a form of a closet
bunched between the jackets
and moth eaten dresses
I closed myself in a drawer
between the trinkets
and stale kerchiefs
and oneday
maybe someone
a tresure hunter of sorts
will sift through the junk
to find the broken
stained little girl
who was once able to look in a mirror
and not see every inch of fat
every layer of skin
as disgusting
polish up the jewel to my heart
don't sell it though sweetie
this ruby gets cracked with
the slightest pressure

I know my 'poems' are ****
don't comment on them
reminding me of that
get over yourself
I'm not here to **** up to anyone
I know I'm **** at writing
I know I'm not a writer
I know I'm ****
stop telling me

okay?

you don't need this                                                           are they just voices?
no you shouldn't eat that                                             because the personalities
you'll gain weight stupid                                                             are in the hues of my heart
don't break the chain of starving yourself
you were getting somewhere
don't eat that you fat pig
okay fine just a little
no, no more

                                care more, she's your friend
                          put her first she deserves more
                                  don't tell her it'll upset her                  what makes you think
           be nice, accepting and make her happy                            you could be worth anything?
        then you can attempt to be happy for her         everyone else left, maybe its time
                             fake it till you make it stupid

you didn't do that good enough
you stupid fat *****
why'd you even think he'd care
just go ******* stupid                                              my exterior disgusts me
you ****** up again                                         my mind revolts me
like you always do, you don't                                           im tired
get anything right
you'll never be
smart enough or pretty enough
just stop

i dont care to be home alone
all the time and know
you have a life
and im just forever
waiting for a time when you might
remember that you once cared
about me too

dear panic attack at 1:14am
please don't make a return

why does it still hurt so ******* much
when you mention other women in
your poetry i know i meant
nothing to you but it still hits hard
the way you adore someone else

.          i was happy last night
until i remembered
           im not allowed to be happy
           i cried myself to sleep
why? i dont know
   but im not meant to be happy
          i dont deserve it

this morning i was happy
                        i smiled as i yawned
then they barged in,
the whole family
         and reminded me
    happiness isnt for me
                and i cut open my skin
    once again i bled
                                                            because
                          i dont deserve to be happy
ever

float me a boat
as  i cry a river

how can i trust you
         not to **** yourself too

how can i get close to anyone
when i refuse to hurt anyone
when i **** myself
                      it'll happen eventually
         maybe it'll work this time

death never really scared me
it just never seemed a legitimate option
and now it is
and i dont care

i feel like im floating
                 im not in this body
     just watching it
slowly die
without being able
  to care because its too
far gone for help

                                      small fact
i dont think im going anywhere in life
and if the teenage years are "the
                                                         best" well im not
gonna make it far