im better
not fixed
not perfect
but better

the medications cleared my head like wind off the sea
i cant remember the last time i had a clear thought
70ml prozac along with a mix of anti psychosis to sleep with
i wake up more often not hating my life
im not suicidal
i still want pain
but i want to live

i still dont know
why i pushed people away
and im sorry
its no explaination
but ****
                      i miss you
i miss talking
im on medication now
eating disorder in tow
self harm addiction
2 weeks clean
                                       yet finally
                                       im proud
                            im still alive

when your skin stings in the shower, and get close to a bit of metal you name cat
when you become close friends with the toilet, and name her mia
when you know the depths of the darkness, and recignise deb
when you feel the emptiness known as ana
and when you know the temptation of sue

im sorry

i wish to find out
all the valentines days
in every country
and tell you
with extra meaning
how much you mean
to me
on a different scale
of some small romance
i want all valentines days
to be for you
past and future

i always wonder

why me?
why was i born
lacking in the whole
loving myself area

why me?
why did i get hurt
time after time
why am i the weakest link

why me?
why do i need medications
and supplements
to get through each day

why me?
why do i love you
why do i feel the need to live for you
when no one else made me feel this
desperate for hope, and life

I starved myself
for 45 hours
am I skinny yet?
I covered myself
with cuts so
people would look
deeper than
my skin and
see the real me
am I pretty yet?

more tears cried
less hours slept
more blood spilt
less food intake
more dark shadows
less bright eyes

is this all i am anymore?
a pathetic state of
depression?

i don't know what
was worse, a
broken heart i was able
to blame on my love.
or a broken soul
that was deformed
to begin with.

I'm trying to find someone
who knows about the
cracks and defects
of my heart and mind
and want them to gather
the pieces of
broken glass
so they can heat it
and recreate it
as their own

its like im in a hole. its really deep and dark
and looking up there is                              light
but its too far                            away                 .
i know i will  never  be  able to reach it. this
hole im stuck in.    it has windows so people
see me.    theyre looking at me but they cant
reach me.    they cant          touch               me
                        i can only just see their outline. i
walk around in circles walk around in circles
that is unless im just sitting. too tired to move
theres no way    out                too tired to live

my head throbs
and the vivid dreams
as a side effect of my
medication makes me so tired.
I dream that I'm
laying or siting in bed
at night and I can't sleep
so every morning
I wake up and wonder
did I get any sleep at all last night?
and all I want is the throbbing to stop
and to be able to do the things I know
I can do but I just can't at the time
this makes me so so so angry
that I lay in bed thinking
about how I am going no where
and all this is
is the endless tourture
of depression
                                          *(i wish i was more scared to die, than i am to live and fail)

my life seems
to be controlled
by black shadows
and white pills

I want to scream at all the people
who pushed me down
I want to yell in their faces
for making me hate myself
I shouldn't want to
**** myself
my only pleasure shouldn't be
in the form of a metal blade
that's wrong it's ****** up
I want to scream at everyone
who said I was ugly
im not happy with myself no
but some girls want my curves
some guys stare at me
I want to yell in the faces of
those who call me fat ugly short
I don't need your crap
I want to want myself
I want to be loved
I want that so bad
                                                        sometimes
                                      I think maybe someone
                                          will ask me out
                                                      on valentines day
                                       sometimes I think
                                                it might happen
but it won't
and that's life
im me and I
do still think
of suicide
but I also
want to be
happy

I wonder if you ever remember the nights
where all I did was listen to you breathe
and no nightmares came

I don't remember what it's like anymore
to feel at peace with a human, comfortable
because I want to cover myself in scars
so maybe I can finally toughen up
and get use to no one wanting
or loving me

I didn't get to school today
I woke up
usual time
and lay still
my arms felt like they were
strapped to the bed
my legs felt like the bones
had been replaced with lead
my shoulder sunk into the matress
and my head was stuffed with
cotton or water
I wasn't able to move
so I cried
and after a while
of crying I finally lifted a shoulder
nothing was wrong with me
but the weight
I just couldn't move


look what depression is doing to me
how am I meant to live through this?

257 followers

wow

thankyou

why can't I stop
thinking all these
harsh poems you
write are for me
I'm trying to
remember
what you
know
                                     are they about me?
                                     because I'm blaming
                                     myself for your unhappiness
                                     so I'm sorry
                                     please
just be happy

I'm empty
but filling slowly up
with self hate
why would anyone love me
when I don't love myself
I don't respect myself
I don't even see anything of me to respect
my stomach isn't flat
my thighs rub together
and my arms are disgusting
my sides are lumpy
and I'm short
                                                  I gag at myself in the mirror
how could I be so disgusting
no wonder no one wants me
no wonder I lay alone every night
the only presence I have is death
because it looms like possibilities

I want someone to want me
to say it's okay that you don't
like yourself, because I love
everything about you
I want someone to help
I need help
help convincing myself
I'm worth living
I'm worth trying

this counselling **** does nothing
******* prove to me I'm worth something
and not just a hole in the groud
tell me I'm beautiful
even though I won't believe it
I'll believe the look in your eyes

someone
help me
someone
love me

lay in bed
cool sheet covering you
and think
                                            or remember
that time you were
ignored by a                 friend                  ?
wonder what it's like
to be them
do they think it was harsh?
maybe               or maybe they were scared
never will you know
what they thought then
and does it matter?
if they            remain in your life
is it because you were loving enough
to forgive them               maybe
they didn't deserve you
                                                                   either way
it hurt didnt it?

let me steal the light
from your eyes
because you stole
the light from mine
in a heartless display
of affection
because you wanted
to light up the stars
as they were sad

did you forget
the fact you took
the light from my
heart, now it's left
with the likes of the
underworld and my
light is in heaven
right where you
put it, in the
stars so they
could shine

consisting of eyes it sits there on the wall wondering what wondering is like and liking where it's thoughts wondered. eyes sat still seated no where in particularly yet sitting. watching in wonder waiting to see what the sad girl who happened to sleep where it lived living happily while she simply lived. it waited and watched. watched and waited. wondering why if she brought home a man he left soon after. she cried. it wondered what there was to cry about. she had a bed. she ate and slept. showered and dressed. studied and learnt. yet she cried. and cried. distressed about what was wrong with her it wondered. it especially wondered why she had red lines on her wrists that she covered. but she ate and slept. lived and cried every day.

she felt the pressure getting to her. texts to read tests to pass. and the pain was persistent. not possible to pin point. it was everywhere. covering her from hea to toe was an aching throb. some days when the ache wouldn't stop. the only way to focus it on one point. was with a blade. simple and harsh.

it got lost in the missing spaces of the girls life. live simply to live simple as that.

hold yourself above
the scars of my heart
displayed on my wrist
stomach and thighs
hold yourself
higher than my
low life
existence

im a week clean
mostly because
of the two lives
that i have to keep going
two kittens
a boy named cheshire
and a girl named dorathy (or dot)
their gently enquiring eyes
checking to make sure
the tears have finally stopped
tracking down my face
their life as they
know theyve done
something naughty
as they sprint around my room
how they fall asleep
heads  resting on my chest
because they need me
theyre keeping me going
more than people realise

i love that gentle touch you have left for me
                             after 11 at night
when we're lost in breathing
and holding onto
                                         future struggles
i love the slight pitch change of your voice
when you laugh at my jokes
               and chuckle when my voice breaks
after 1am as it always does
                                                  when im tired
i love that you ask if im feeling well
inquiring about the last mental
                                                  breakdow­n i had
simply needing to know
that im okay
                          not what why when
i love how you call me
               sweetie
                     dear
                        love
to catch my attention
to ask what time it is
and whether i need sleep
by which its 2am
and im in love with you

the cord I tied around my neck
wasn't tight enough to ****
I passed out, notebook
in hand asleep

dying alone isn't as scary as I thought it would be
bye x

I'm sorry

i was in one of my horrible ******
suicidal moods, that I seem to
have more often than not
and although I took all my anger
and pain, out on him, he wasn't
angry or upset. he simply said
"I love you, it's all okay,
I need to sleep, I'm not upset,
I'll talk to you in the
morning love."

and I wonder
how he can
love me
and how I
don't deserve it