a cockroach crawled up her sleeve and inside her shirt
and it fumbled its way into her brain
then, it fed her lies and let her think she was worthless
when it was done, it crawled back out
and on its way out,
it took all of the love that she had for herself
it left her empty

from that day on
she unconsciously let in every cockroach she met
trying not to feel empty
not knowing that those cockroaches
were only making her feel
more empty

i sit shotgun in her pickup truck
with a pen in my hand
a notebook resting in my lap
and i try my best to focus
focus on anything
anything to stop this

the whole car starts to spin
my heart beat thumps in my brain
a nauseous feeling creeps up from my stomach to my throat
and just before i lose my breath
she stops the car

i can hear her voice spilling from her mouth like sweet honey
and she says:

“focus on the pen in your hand, charlie.”

“breathe, charlie.”

“you’re okay, charlie.”
“you’re okay, charlie.”

then a miraculous thing happens

the car stops spinning
my heart stops thumping in my brain
the nauseous feeling finds itself a way out of my body
and i breathe because,

“im okay, sam.”

breathing is a regular body function
still, it seems like it was the hardest thing for me to do my whole life
i always felt like i was being swept up roughly by an ocean wave
i would grapple with the demons that lived in the deepest parts of my mind
just for one, just one breath
it was so difficult to fight all of the time
so hard to convince myself that it would all pay off in the end
that in due time, breathing would become easier

then i met you, and it felt like everything in the world changed
those long nights i spent alone gasping for air hour, after hour ceased to exist
the demons in the deepest part of my brain dissipated
and nothing was difficult
i stopped thinking negatively and i felt that for the first time in a long time,
that i had hope

and instead of staying up, restless at night i would lay my head down peacefully on my pillow
no more harmful thoughts
i didn't feel a pressing weight on my shoulders anymore
and for the first time in my life, my lungs weren't burning in their longing for air
air was filling them graciously and wholesomely
and thus i began to fall in love with you

we became inseparable
and the whole world seemed to know it
because we were in love, and everyone wished they had what we did
right?

in time we would realize that we weren't in love
not even close
you stopped caring and so did I
and just as quickly as we fell in love
we fell out of it
and as quickly as you seemed to heal my lungs
you damaged them again

now i try to breathe and it doesn't seem to work
my lungs are burning, desperate for air
but thats ok, because they say time heals all
and maybe instead of someone else healing me
i just need time
and i can heal myself
and breathing wont be so difficult
and the demons will permanently disappear
for now, ill just learn to forget you

sometimes it hurts to be living person
it hurts you deep in your bones
it burrows gaping holes inside of you until it reaches you heart
It doesn't stop there
it envelopes your heart
and squeezes
and squeezes
and squeezes

until it feels like you're burning from the inside out
your heart becomes a flaming ball of radiation
and slowly burns its way out of your chest
the process is gradual and agonizing
and when it finally falls out
you feel worse
your screams become louder
and louder
and louder

they become so deafening that you think people across the planet can hear you
well you're right, they can, they can hear every ailed cry
they can see every scorchingly hot tear

but don't you think, for one second, that they can feel you
don't you think, for one second that they know what it feels like to hurt, simply because you're a living person