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matt d mattson Mar 2010
When I first met you in the wood
T'was like the hunter found his hart

I searched for you my swimmer pale
Like Ahab searched for his white whale

I walked for long with bow in hand
And quiver full of cupids arrows

Like the hind you were so quick
And I lost you in the forest thick

But sometimes I would see a hint
The sound of footfalls in dead sprint

Then I would try to catch and run
Thinking that my prize was won

But always you had come and gone
The most elusive adult faun

I never could quite shoot my dart
And never could quite hit your heart

In sadness I left to go
And heard your gentle hoofbeats slow

I turned and looked beyond the snow
And I saw you there my lovely doe

So timidly you looked at me
Simply wanting to be free

So I stayed my hand and bow
And waited in the cold white snow

For now I know that if you chase
The hunted will seek out more space

An eternity it seemed
While my breath in cold air steamed

And then you took a step towards me
But still I waited by the tree

And then you were by my side
Affection for you I could not hide

Finally I have got you deer
Now please will you forget your fear

For I will always be right here
If you my love will be my dear
Matt D. Mattson    Feb 28, 2010
matt d mattson Jul 2013
It was a moment
A brief conversation
A look,
A feeling
I think I love you,
So I will chase you for a time
I will seek you in the summer
While the sound of your voice in my ears is fresh
And the look of your eyes is still in my eyes
And your scent still lingers in the air
I will chase your for a while
While the day is still young
And the sun is in the sky
But if I cannot find you
If I look and find no one
And I call your name and hear nothing
If the day becomes dark and you are nowhere
And nothing I do can arouse you
And the night comes
And the cold creeps
And the signs grow old in the snow
Then I will stop
I will cease my chase,
And let you go
To drift into forgetful memory

Matthew D Mattson July 5, 2013
In the silence of the night
In the soft stillness
In the dark eyes of you

I dreamed

I dreamed that love was real
That my love was real
And not a selfish expression of profound need

I dreamed that I gave,
Was able to give you
Everything you wanted, or needed
That I was your needs answered
As it has felt like you are mine

I know that's absurd
I like you
Like I haven't liked someone for a very long time
I know that there are so many limitations to it,
To me
I know I can't give you everything

But God how I wish I could

And in knowing that wish
I can't help but feel
That giving you what I have
Right now to give
For how long it is reasonable to give
With kindness,
And understanding
In the limitations of the self
And patience for the absurdity of the world
Is the best I can do
The only thing I can do
It's as close as I can get
And it's so much less
Than you deserve
matt d mattson Aug 2010
***** voraciously vacates my mind
Slowly slipping slyly swooning
A drink I drank delirious and dumb
Never nearing, nothing but numb
For faint I felt a fleeting feeling
Till I tipped back a bit from the tap

Alcohol has always been an ally a la
Loves lost labors misplaced and lame
I'll drink to that and sink to that
And take a few shots more
And maybe then it will be like before
Matthew D. Mattson, August 30, 2010
matt d mattson Oct 2015
there's nothing much to say
explains it best today
it's raining and i don't have my umbrella
my car is broken to
there's nowhere good to go besides
im staying in today
Juust fuckitall
matt d mattson Jan 2019
If we tell each other a lie
And we both know its meaning
It's like we are a telling the truth in a strange way
It's ok to lie to me on some things,
Tell me you don't want to be together
Because our lives are going in separate directions
It's ok
I know why you are leaving,
I'll accept it eventually
But the lie helps ease me into it

Another lie is one I tell to myself
"It's better this way"
It's better to soften the sharp edges of reality
With some soft half truth
But the truth is
The truth will set you free
And you can't come to terms with reality
If you don't know what it is
Tell me a lie,
Tell me the truth
It will eventually become the same door.
I have to walk through it either way,
matt d mattson Mar 2018
I didn't have the guts to be a rebel
All the counterculture called at me
Asking me to join
In living rooms with Goodwill couches
Owned by a friend of a friend of a friend
They reached out to me
Hands and hearts so open that they couldn't stop bleeding
Asking me to join them
To make what I felt
To do what I wanted
Regardless of whatever the rules said.
They asked me,

Passing the tokens of a shared insobriety
That sought out the essential truth beneath
A thousand and one layers of culture and biology and social pressure
That only ever manages to turn diamonds into coal

I don't have the testicular fortitude to forsake the gifts of my birthright
My middle-class hope
Of a sliver of land beholden to an HOA
Of a wife who loves me kind of and children that will hold me to an anachronistic social standard that will leave me wanting
But it could be mine
It could be a world of my own making
With love and joy and plenty
And the mediocrity and turmoil
That is essential to life whether it is good or bad
It could be mine

The true face of the world is violent
And life struggles unconditionally to enact it's will on a world
That has extinguished more species than are alive

We are mayflies in the cosmos waxing and waning
And no one cares
And no one guarantees that I will eat tomorrow
Let alone find love
Or persist in the presence of my ancestors.

I don't have the ***** to wager my little bits of happiness
Even if there is a slim chance to change a million minds or more
Call me a coward
Call me a pragmatist
In a century call me dead
Right now you can call me mostly happy
And I don't know if there is anything better
I feel like a little bit of a priveliged ***** writing this, but there's too much truth as far as how it makes me feel, to let it be hidden. I hate lying. I don't inherently believe this. But I did write it and I accept that, and whatever opinion you have,  resulting from that.
matt d mattson Feb 2020
I knew a man who was not me
Not the whole specifically
Or not the me that you would see
Who youd call you
If you were sitting next to me

This man I knew
Was an I of mine
I had my mouth
My eyes, my hair
I had my legs and arms
And the body that I liked
But the I, I knew
As I said was not me
This I thought that he was better than the I I am
This I, didn't have the extra 12kg that existed when I wasn't posing in the mirror
This I, I knew only said witty clever things
Never mean, or petty
Nor plain mundane
The I, I knew was faster than, the I I am and stronger to
This I was always perfectly kind and considerate to all of my friends almost all of the time
The I, I knew was wise and kind and smart and worked harder than everyone else at work
And was interesting and handsome
Oh I wish I was the I I sometimes think I am
But there are many I's inside of me
And many eyes are watching me
And I'm only him sporadically
I am only always ever me
But still sometimes
I take myself too seriously
matt d mattson Jan 2019
Minutes are counted in sneezes and coughs
Hours in trips to the bathroom and mealtimes
Weeks are the time between sunday brunch and sunday brunch
I could ask the sun what he thinks of time,
But he just sits there smirking
Spinning in aimless circles while the clouds dance around him
Someone says something
Someone laughs
Someone else farts
The same person laughs again
Has a few minutes passed or an hour?
How's the weather someone asks
70 degrees inside and dry,
The flurescent light flickers like a dead moon
Sometimes i go outside and watch the planes take off and land
Their large grey girth heaving in and out of the sky,
Like rhinos who know where they're going.
Can I do this for an additional 6 months?
matt d mattson Sep 2013
An unexceptional relationship
Is one with few words,
Where few thoughts converge
Nothing is given or taken or got
Not much was sold, stolen or bought
Some few true smiles, But zero harsh words
What can you say when not much is said
The texts that we sent meant little when read
The heights weren't too high and the lows were too low
To make up for the way that it goes
So I think that I'll leave
And I think that you know
It's ourselves we deceive
With this sham of a show
And I truly believe
We're better off on our own

So, Good bye,
And have a beautiful life.
I hope things go well
My new never wife
matt d mattson Feb 2013
I will shamble in the ashes of a thousand burned out buildings
Dancing in disaster while the hot winds burn and blow
And the skies are getting darker while the lightening cracks
To frozen ground and black
Turns the ice and the snow.

All the world is turning and upturning
And spinning out of control
And all the world is burning
As the rage begins to grow

The streets are filled with nothing
Only smoke and char and rusted cars
And hollow voices in the darkness
Shouting out up to the stars
Calling for the things they need
Down to dead ears that hear no pleas

For the streets are filled with nothing
But choking fumes as thick as sludge
Frigid water filled with ash
Black and running quenching nothing
While the world is burning still

All the world is turning and upturning
And spinning out of control
And all the world is burning
As the rage begins to grow

So I dance in the dark
In the soot and smoke and the cold sick water
In the bones of the buildings that burn
matt d mattson Jan 2012
In the stillness of the place that you sleep

I am awake, so very awake
Wide eyed and restless
Taught and tense poised beside you
I want to move and move with you
I want to feel the night with you

But you lay there so peacefully
Calm and cool and quiet,

Your body moves with the sway of your gentle breathing
Curves, rise and fall draped strong along the bed
Your face, beautifully outlined and shadowed with the moon
Eyes, carefully closed and dark and silent
You are close but terribly far away

I am stark and cold and naked and awake
Exposed before the wind and rain and weather of the night
I am surrounded by air that carries none of your words
There is nothing in this air but the sound of impatience
This air holds only my sad sighing
Waiting for the end of night
I am lonely beside you,
matt d mattson Apr 2010
I'll trace the lines along your face
Feel the warmth of your embrace
The soft firm pressure on your hips
Gently touching finger tips
Loving arms in hugging grips
Your moist and luscious pouty lips
I tasted the depth in every kiss
Your happy smile is my bliss
Each moment is a treasure
Every touch and sense a pleasure
And when you leave I'll wait for you
To gaze once more at eyes so blue
Matt D. Mattson.    April 14, 2010
matt d mattson Jul 2019
To walk along the dark path
So polite in it's garden ordinariness
Is different in the late night
At the hour of the witch
The house windows are black
And the porch lights are off
The sticky pitch eyes of the cold houses watch
And behind the shadow of the empty buildings
Is a sick orange glow of the far away city
The trees that shade and the weeds that seek
Grasp at the edges of the sidewalk and in their shadows could be anything.
matt d mattson Feb 2012
The lines begin to blur
Every picture becomes every other picture
The faces all become the same face
Every expression becomes the same expression
The arch of your brows
The twist at the end of your smiles
The dusky dark eyes half lidded and sly
The aqualine line of your nose
And your high cheek bones
And your thick full painted pouty lips
The movement of your thin muscled arms in so many poses
The exact arch and curve of your bare back and toned ***
Your exposed and covered perfect *******
Clutched in your delicate gold ringed hands
Your satin skin flawless and glowing
The way your silk stranded hair cascades across your glistening body

Your are beautiful
But you are not unique
You are a repitition in the system
Ten times ten all over again
Every picture merges with the one before
And becomes part of the one after it
One woman in every frame
One idea that it's all the same
matt d mattson Sep 2011
Substance that we are
Solid future of an ancient star
An end result of evolution
The lusts of men come to fruition
The care of parents intuition
All these things and more are we
But more than that specifically

We are what we become
From dust we came
And to dust shall we return
But in between those states
We are not shackled by the fates

We are free to be whatever we can dream
Whatever we can see  
We are free to grow beyond the things we were
Beyond what others thought that we could be

To become the best that is within us
To expand the edges of our understanding and our thought
To push ourselves and give it all we’ve got
All we have, every breath and bead of sweat
Every inch we get makes us better set
To get yet further still

Closer to the dreams we dream
Higher on the ladders that we place
Upon the mountains in our minds
The barriers we make that give us leave to climb
Challenges that like abrasives make us fine

The wind that burnishes the mountain
The waves that smooth the stone
So to must you
Stand upon the shores of time
And learn the lessons that you find

Like fine wine in time becomes sublime
So to will you
Add strength and subtlety to mind
Through choice and will become divine
matt d mattson Nov 2012
It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
Those soft and welcome eyes
What sweet illicit spies
That welcome with their sighs

How the pupils grow and stay
While the lids so softly lay
Casting shadows in the day
And dusk creeps where it may
The dark sweet shade of night
That beckons with its sight

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
It's in the black silk stranded lashes
That lift and swoop and how it crashes
Like heaving waves of strong desire
They break upon my shore
And leave me breathless,
Wishing still for more

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
They shout and scream and cry
They beg and plead, and loudly they imply
Please, touch, taste, put strong hands on smooth skin
They burn with hot blood, and hot breath, for hot sin

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
Those wet red lips and ivory teeth
Those warm blush cheeks and supple neck
That sweet sweat skin and tingling hand
Oh it's all in those dark fiery eyes
And in them

My demise
matt d mattson Dec 2013
Helen shall I dash my hopes upon your rocks
Sacrifice my ship to sinking sirens song
Chase your willowisp into the dark swamps deadly mist?
Sultry siren sing to me
And bring me
Towards the jagged expectations of your ever changing shores
I shall sink myself upon the shark filled shoals
Where sailors seek salvation
And find their high hopes drowned
To fall into the endless dark
Where skeletons enthroned
All wear the coral crown

Oh Helen I shall send a fleet with high flags flying
And chance your shifting sands
I shall risk the rocks and waves
the highs and lows of your desire
I shall steer my ship towards heaven
And hope to reach it's shores
matt d mattson Jun 2012
Have you forgotten?
The Iron
The Fire
The hammer and anvil of it all
The pile of **** and scrap metal
The dirt ore heap in the corner of your soul
The useless heavy burden
On your shoulders, and in the heart of you

Have you forgotten the forging and the beating
The sweating and the bleeding
The swing and the crash,
And the pain and the smash;
The heat from the fires that purify
And the hiss from the waters that solidify
Have you missed the bending and folding
and the way that you're constantly molding?

Have you forgotten
You are the hammer
You are the anvil
You are the iron and the forge fire
That creates the steel of your character
The sharp sweeping sword of your soul
For no one else can change you
Except for you

So slam the hammer down!
Swing it without flinching
Tense yourself, your muscles your nerves and sinews
Grit your teeth and clench your jaw
Grip the metal like a white knuckled vice of certainty
Focus on the spot and
Slam the Hammer Down!
Beat it into something useful
Beat if into something beautiful
Beat it with meaning for it is meaningful!
Did you forget that!

No, You did not forget
You dreamed of throwing it off,
You dreamed of being rid of it
You  hoped to wake one day
And find that it had melted away


“You cannot dream yourself into a character:
you must hammer and forge yourself into one.”
― Henry David Thoreau
matt d mattson Apr 2011
Your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below
The frozen air confronts my stair
A thousand tiny knives
Attack my skin and skewer in
Beneath my old fleece coat
They penetrate to my very core
A coldness of no more
A pain I knew when I knew you
As cold as forty below
For all you gave was unending pain
Heartbreak, misery, and woe
Like the cold dry air takes the moisture there
You sapped my hope away
Your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below
When I met you it was brisk at first
And your freshened mirth slaked my thirst
An arctic spring that masked your hidden glare
But as it fell it froze mid air
And crushed me with its weight
For your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below
matt d mattson Feb 2019
It was visceral
My gut clenched like I was falling in a dream
Deep in the core of me
Where the parasympathetic neuron bundles coalesce
And tell you to be calm

They were yelling
The wave of their signalling swept across the whole of me
I tingled and itched from my scalp to my toes
All the tiny blood vessels expanded
Fueling the sensory nerves of my skin,
My pupils dilated
My mouth salivated
I wanted to reach out with every bit of me
I wanted to expand to consume and experience every part of the world
To touch everything
To feel everything
Taste and Smell and See everything
I wanted to invent new organs of sensation
To better understand it, to experience more, to feel all of it

I jumped up
Like a dog
And reveled in the pure ecstatic joy of the sensory intensity
Every smell, the ambient humidity, the warm breeze
The color, the warmth of the sun,
The sounds of all the biologic engines of the world
Each of which was individually responsible for an infinite joy
And together were even more

It was a feeling that lasted only moments
And faded in soft turns
Till I became acclimated and in time oblivious
And the grass was once again, just grass
And the flowers were just weeds
And the dogs, and the children and the people in the town
Were just local residents going about their secret lives
And not the heaving mass of cells and life,
Climaxing in the moment of their existence to become more
matt d mattson Jul 2010
When the sun is on your face
And the wind is at your back
While the day is starting fresh
And there is nothing that you lack
Take advantage of the day
Be bold in brave attack
Of every problem that you face
Even as they mount and stack
And if the sunlight goes away
And the skies turn dark and black
And the winds have turned upon you
And the lightning starts to crack
Stand your ground and simply say
The day is mine and I will not be dismayed
Matthew D. Mattson July 7, 2010
matt d mattson Oct 2013
A mantra of the shiftless souls
The weak and will less
Gutless wretches of world
With quivering quaking shaking legs
The brittle bones of those who cannot stand
Shout retreat at break or loss of their command
Their eyes scream run
When wisdom bids they fight for what they can
But their bridges they have burned,
Roads blocked and rivers ******
They flee from what they feel they cannot fix
And hide with weak and sordid tricks
From things they do not understand

Poised for desperate violence
They stutter uttering lies
Attempting to disguise
The fear within their minds
As they make their alibis
For those who question why?

Is their master and their king
Fear for them, the driving thing
And they have given in

You cannot save them

They are lost so let them run
From the hot and burning sun
Let them make it for the hills
For the dark cold comfort of their caves
Where in time they  learn
Courage for their soul to save
Or die in anguish
Never learning to be brave
matt d mattson Mar 2020
Death is casual
It happens everyday
It happens when you turn your back for a second,
When you aren't even looking

Especially when you aren't looking,
when you're so wrapped up in something
that the rest of the world doesn't matter
when your world is perched on the teetering edge
of a finite solution
smashing yourself against the blunt rock of the world
trying to change something

And sometimes it comes when nothing is going on
when you're sitting on the toilet,
Watching cat videos

And suddenly your reliable heart stops sending the blood where it needs to go

Sometimes death takes you in the morning
waiting at the traffic light
for the little walking man to come on,
And the car that shouldn't be on top of you
suddenly is
and so is death

Death is in the broken flesh of the meat suit
that was you
Death is in the tears, and the choked words
of the people who knew you
Death is also in the shrug of your aquaintances
who hear of you in passing
And wish they felt sad about it

Death is in everything you do
Death is in the seconds
ticking cheerfully along
They aren't sad seconds
It's just time
And death is just death

It happens to everything
To everyone
The greenland shark swims for 400 years
before he meets death
The Galapagos Tortoise can live for up to 170 years
before he stops crawling through the world
The female mayflie lives 5 minutes
Once the larval stage is finished
And the new eggs are laid
And death is put at bay
For the season, and 5 days

Death comes
That's life
Live it
Until then
matt d mattson Sep 2020
light traces the dim back wall
left to right

my sink drips
and taps

children play in the small courtyard outside my window

for a while im cold
and lay under the blanket,
later im hot
and lay in my underwear

as the light from the window on the back wall dims
i turn a light on
and lay down again,

i don't even have the energy to stare at my phone
the day passes and i have hope
that tomorrow ill get up
matt d mattson Dec 2013
Did she caress my head
Did she smile
Was I drunk and wrong instead
Did I imagine what was said?

Did she touch my hand
Did she look with some desire
Was there longing in her eyes
I am uncertain with goodbyes

As she left I question
Was it kindness was it care
was it gentle friendship
That was there?

Was it *** was it lust
Was it baseless short desire
That plays me to the fire?

Was it movement without meaning
Was it apathetic leaning
Absentminded action that was lacking in all feeling?

I don't know
I don't know
But I wonder while I wander
Through my memories and ponder
Did she? Was she? Will she?
Be someone I should pursue?

I don't know,
Do you?
matt d mattson Jan 2018
Do not feel sorry for yourself
Self pity is silly
The whole world is full of the brutish agony of life
Struggling to survive the gales of it's storm
You are a small candle guttering in the wind


Know yourself
Inspect yourself
Dig deep and look deeply
Into all the little crevices and cracks
At all the dark lines of imperfection
All the edges that threaten to break themselves
On all the surfaces of the world
And when you have investigated the whole of yourself
Then own yourself
Own your cracks, your faults, your hates, your loves,
Your lacks
And when you own them,
When you have accepted the intimate nature of your own imperfection


Work on them

Change them,
And change yourself
Only a fool stays the same
Don't feel sorry for yourself
matt d mattson Apr 2019
I saw him again,
Melancholy and polite
Like a brand new funeral director
Attending his own
He used to be so **** funny
Now he's quiet and mopey
I hope he gets the **** over it
It wasn't supposed to be a big deal
Like planting a tree for arbor day
It's a thing that you do
You plant it,
And say,
What a nice thing we made today
And you let it be
And walk away
You don't stand there and watch it grow
And complain because it's slow

Laugh you ******* clown
Laugh and don't think of me
Just say something nice
And go live your life
matt d mattson Sep 2013
Drunk in a glass
Drunk in a thought
One all consuming moment
I am lost in thinking
And lost in unthinking seeing
Autonomic functions compunction
Maintains the living construction
But my mind is gone in it all
I am sight and sound and thoughts unheard
Chasing a feeling that's bent on concealing
Hidden behind the layers of things
I am energy transforming,
Matter conforming
To god knows what
I am a corpse out of time
I am drunk and still drinking
Thoughts in my glass and beer in my mind
Though I look I cannot find
My keys

Thank God

Bartender! one more, and call a cab for me
matt d mattson Mar 2018
Go up to the mountain
To the top,
If that is necessary for you
Stand, or sit, as the wind howls over you
And ask the guru of the mountain,
The questions that sit inside of you,
swirling with their merciless restless energy
Ask the questions about you
That you have always wondered.
Ask the questions about you
That you have always been terrified to ask
Ask about you
As everyone must do
And ask yourself about you
As everyone should do
Ask any question
Ask every question
And know, that it doesn't matter,
There's a good chance you're an *******,
Just like the rest of us
matt d mattson Sep 2015
I saw you today
From far away
Pretty as the mountains,
And lovely as the sea
I basked in the far away light of your smile
That once for a time was my sun
And forgot for a moment the storms
That no matter what happens will come

I forgot the sharpness of you
And the cold deepness, that only gets darker
I saw you today from far away
And im glad that you kept walking

Some men can live on the mountain,
And some men live by the sea
But seeing you from far away
Was good enough for me
matt d mattson Jan 2019
Life is a battle,
You are fighting for your life
Every day
In subtle ways
I don't know why
But I do know
When you stop fighting the battle
It will **** you
If you let up
If you give ground
It will eventually grind you back to dirt
And life wouldn't be here
If not for a vicious tenacity
And a will to win
A will to keep fighting every day
Every animal in the wild
Goes up against ridiculous odds
Just to eat
Just to breed
To live even the simplest life
I still don't know why
But I do know that if you don't fight
You die
matt d mattson Jun 2010
Whisper silent screaming cries
Deep  and hollow sunken eyes
Weakened pleas and quiet groans
Pale skin on  brittle bones

He wheezes when he walks
And he wheezes when he talks
His muscles give and  grind and creak
His strength is gone and he is weak

His hair is falling, growing thin
His smile gone a sorry grin
But deep inside, burning bright
His soul on fire lights the night

Once a man who made things move
One last thing that he must prove
Beside him sits his tearful wife
The only thing he loved in life

Before the reaper takes his share
He'll let her know how much he cares
His lungs expand in one last gasp
And in a voice horse and rasp

He said the most important thing
As true as when he gave the ring
The three words he never said enough
But meant more than the other stuff

I love you...
Matthew D Mattson, June 25, 2010
matt d mattson Sep 2018
**** sadness
**** self pity
**** that infinite, cold,  black empty feeling inside you.

Sacrifice your self imposed mindset of misery
On an alter of the ***** you should have stopped giving

Take a deep breath
Like you are getting ready to dive to the dark bottom of the sea

Like you are ******* up the whole of the world itself
Like a god consuming the universe
Till the very cells of your lungs are stretched beyond meaning



Hold it

Past the point you want to scream

To the point where your tears are only for your physical pain

And then a few awful seconds more

Hold it

And just at the moment

Where you think you might have forgotten how to breathe


Let it go

Let everything go
Every last ******* piece
Every last bit inside
Like a deflating balloon

Let it pour out of you
Like the entirety of your being is seeking to leave

And when the easy bit leaves
Keep exhaling




Till you are as empty as the infinite void itself
Till you are as empty as you tell yourself you are

And then blow off a little more

And when you can't release one more molecule of CO2
from your wrung out lungs,

Take a free breath

A deep but normal breath

Look around
The world doesn't care what goes on inside you
It doesn't care how you feel physically
Or emotionally
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
Take charge of it
Because it matters to you

Because you matter
Whether or not your sadness let's you admit it
matt d mattson Jun 2018
I  walk cautiously into the future
Through the dark fog
Of what could be, but isn't
There is a veil to pierce
And there are many ways to advance the story
Sometimes I hesitate
Wondering why I can't pause for a moment to enjoy what I have earned
But even if I wait or stall
The world moves regardless of me
And everything keeps changing
So that I need to catch up if I wait too long
Sometimes I feel like it speeds up and
I need to run faster, more efficiently
To keep pace with an idea of where I should be relative to the rest of it.
And sometimes I feel like a planetary body
Caught in the gravity of what is happening around me
And I will go where the forces pull me. And that my own will is so integrated into greater things that it just seems negligeable in comparison
But for brief moments,
Like a diver coming up for air,
Or a mountain climber with a good ledge
I can pause, and catch my breath,
And for a brief and fleeting moment
I can see the world around me,
Where I am in it,
And what lies ahead
And with those few seconds
Maybe I can alter my trajectory.
matt d mattson Nov 2019
How sweet the small perfume scent sits
And wafts across the bar
I see your gentle smile and the makeup that you use infrequently
How you must smile
When you put it on
I hope you have a wonderful evening
matt d mattson Jan 2020
I saw you
Older than you were before
I like your new lines
They speak of strength continued
I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees
Please, continue being strong.
matt d mattson Dec 2017
There is salt on the earth
dust and sand in the hot wind
that carries the world away
when the roots have burnt down

I am a shallow husk
I am the desolation
the fog of corruption
that masks what I once was.

all is nothing,
all is lost,
this is a dark land
where no life lives
and joy cannot survive
matt d mattson Nov 2013
There's not a finer way to go
Than in the early morning
As the new sun rises
And burns the light fog away that sits along the shadow of the mountains.
Dew glistens on the tall grass while bright birds chirp and sing to the new day
The cool air is filled with moisture, with dirt, thick air with life in it.
There's not a more peaceful time to die than that.
It's a good spot under the large oak tree,
Nice shade and a decent view of the range
With a strong branch, for a rough roped noose.

A gruff voiced sheriff and a soft spoken judge
Passed the final sentence and kicked the chair away
While a somber silent minister stood swaying with the breeze
It was a fine morning to die on,
A fine morning to hang
matt d mattson Sep 2014
Heat and fire
Cold desire
Strong it scalds
By irk and ire
Strained and maimed
My flesh it screams
Writhes and dies
And all is seen
Empty out and empty in
Vacant space that swells and swims
Ripped and torn
Burned and scorned
By loves most joyful ecstasy

What once was sacred
Now betrayed
And now unleashed
What once was stayed

Trapped and chained
Imprisoned once,
But, now released

And now the sounds of shattered dreams
Filter down through oily seams
And feeds the hatred that now streams
Made up of all the childish things
Whose collected promise rings
Hollow as the lier sings

Kept and hoarded are the sounds
Of all the helpless souls who drowned
Inside the broken depths
Below the crushing pressure of a thousand weighted dreams
Stacked on endless shifting beams
Too thick and cold and dark and old
For light to come or heat to hold

Endless darkened black abyss
Created by loves first spurned kiss
Built up by expected bliss
Disapointment you did this

A monster and it's lair
Nothing more than long despair
Hammer forged in bitter air
Black heart that will no longer hear
Acid distilled by pain and fear
A subject to one bitter tear
That grows and grows each passing year
An ocean that now drowns all cheer
For love cannot long live here
matt d mattson Sep 2013
I do not love you
It's true
I do not love you
The curve of your hips
And the lay of your *******
The way that you kiss
How you look while you rest
Whatever it is
I can surely attest
That while you are nice
You are not the best
For me
I do not love you
And I am sorry

I am sorry
Because you deserve to be loved
You are kind
And you deserve kindness
You are beautiful
But not to me
Not in the way that sets my heart afire
You are beautiful
In a way that does not set my soul to dancing
You are beautiful
In a way a painting can be
And yet not capture the soul
I do not love you
I am sorry
You are beautiful and you deserve to be loved
I do not love you

You are beautiful on the inside
You have an intelligent mind
Mysterious and sublime
I like your mind
I do not love you
Not as you deserve
I cannot make you truly happy
I do not love you
I am sorry
I do not love you

Please forgive me for not loving you

Note: the subjects of this poem and the previously published poem are not the same, they are different romantic interests
matt d mattson Feb 2020
I liked you
I sometimes still check your Instagram
I almost liked a post

I liked you
I'm lonely
Sitting in this place
With this phone

I don't want to date you again
It was right that we parted ways
I like that we did so with so much respect and kindness.

I don't want to date you
But sometimes I look at your Instagram when I'm lonely
And wish everything was not as it was
So that we could be what we aren't
matt d mattson Jan 2012
I feel no poem in me
No great words crafted to beauty
You, you are beautiful
And I can find no words
I hear old poems, by great minds
And good new poems by young men
With inspiration in their souls
They tell me of your beauty, they say it
Other names are in the titles, but you are in those words
You are in every syllable of every beautiful word
Dancing spright across the page of others work
And nothing is in me now that can say what they said of you
matt d mattson May 2018
Zen monks talk of detachment
Of emptiness, for will or want
Towards the clearing of all desire
And in the great translucent sea
Of their complete freedom
They speak of the perfect simplicity
Of their mountain abode
And mundane chores for the maintenance of earthly vessels
Mentioning, only in passing,
How serene the world is in their high cold house
And how nice the whole world looks
Framed in their peasant doorway

I envy the envyless
Nowadays who can afford a whole  mountain to themselves.
matt d mattson Feb 2018
If I were you I'd.....
Probably do the same thing
If I were you......
I'd be you,
If I had your parents, and the genes they wear
I had your childhood, and the joy and misery
Of your school days, and the games,
And that one teacher that everyone hates,
If I had your highschool crush and the depression
And the friends that were there and the ones that weren't
All the victories, and defeats,
And all the mediocre moments in between
If I were you....
I'd be you,
If you were me,
You'd be me, my decisions make sense to me because of everything
Everything that goes into making me, me, including the whys and the what fors, and the whos and hows of it all.
If I were you....
I'd probably try and be more forgiving towards myself,
If you were me.....
I'd hope you do the same.
matt d mattson Jan 2012
I want to die
And live a thousand lives
A thousand ways to spend my days
A thousand things to do
All that can be done and was done and ever could be done
I want to see a thousand things before I die
Meet a million people and know why
They do we do the things that are done
The moon is in the sky and a billion stars besides
And trillions and quadrillions that no eye has yet to see
I want to see the universe from end to end
Every galaxy exposed and going
Every star that burns the fusion of it's atoms
To go into the atom and deeper and deeper down still
To know the fabrics that weave the world we see
To understand the quantum and the quark
Oh how big and old and small and quick and terribly complex everything seems
And oh how simple and young and tired am I
Tired of seeing and seeing how blind
Knowing only that I can never know
And that I shall pass, and not know
If anyone will ever know after me
We are so small and the Universe so big,
And life is so short, and the Universe so long
Maybe someday it will make sense,
But not now, not tomorrow,
I want to die and live a thousand lives
I want to know, why
matt d mattson Mar 2018
My mind feels empty, empty of purpose, meaning,
Empty of the will to act on the world,
What is the world,
A stage of actors that moves timewise towards oblivion
A sphere of energy or motion,
Moving where?
And where am I moving in it
Where do I need to be
Do I need to be anywhere
Is there a meaningful difference between here
Or there, or there,
Between being at a friends house,
Or in jail,
Between being in Colorado or Kazahkstan
I mean it sort of matters,
Like how an ant prefers to be in the anthill
Instead of the ocean
But then is it just preference,
Or is purpose, and place, merely a function of existence
Is it necessary that I be a human, and act like a human
Because I'm a human?
Is my destiny tied to that?
So is my destiny just to be me, because I'm me,
and then someone else will be themselves, and that's just it
Society is just a bunch of selves, attempting to be themselves
and creating a standard of self, based on themselves,
Perpetuating a form of being that seems convenient,
And also somewhat meaningless
So if being me, is only important for maintaining the illusion
Of the meaningfulness of me.
Then is there meaning in being someone else,
Or in being something else?
Or being somewhere else?
Or is that just a shade of the same thing
Is there even meaning to the word meaning in the personal sense
Or is meaning so tied to essential function,
That to be meaningful, or live meaningfully
Is just to be as you as you can be?
And that's enough?
Or is it to become yourself, and then to choose what means you?
To decide what you mean, as a function, as a person
To yourself
To others?
I don't know,
I'm just asking for a friend.
matt d mattson Sep 2013
I love you

I love you

I love you

I thought I hated you

But I found that I could not hate you
I can only forgive you and love you

But I will never act on it again
I will love you from wherever I am
To wherever you are
In the most quiet
Unattestable way
No one will ever know,
And, I will never tell

But I love you

I ask nothing from you

You are who I love
That is enough
For me to love you
But I will not act on it

That is my selfish consolation to loving you
matt d mattson Jun 2019
I met a woman
She was 70 years old and walked into the hospital with a pained limp
And a smile on her face
That an artist might struggle his whole life to capture
Her face was crinkled with an old scar and an evil red infection
Her hands were wrung with arthitis and the leg that limped turned out to be broken
But she was beautiful
Because she was so kind, and so ready to see beauty in the world
While being subject to such ugly circumstances
The world could have hammered at her with the infinite might of misfortune
And all calamity capable might rain on her with it's fiersome storm
Uncaring, unstoppable
Powerful in its unknowing chaos
Pummeling one who at first appears vulnerable
But with unending calm and perfect equanimity
She might regard it as a summer storm
Passing over, transititory and ineffable
Receiving the blows with unflinching peace
She might comment on the infinitesimal positivety
Cowering in the corner unnoticed by all but her kind and joyous perception
lesser souls would be broken by the weight of pain and misery
Drowned in a sea of their own tears
But a powerful Joy hides deep in the heart of this mild and humble woman.
Her soul is Viking and unassailable and when death takes her
He will surely ferry her to Valhalla to sit with honor amongst all warriors who fought and died battling the uncaring brutality of a world wrapped in apathy and heartbreak.
She is mighty
In the surety of her vision of a good world
That exists because she wishes it to
And because she wills it to
And so the world becomes more beautiful
Because she is in it
And she is beautiful
matt d mattson Nov 2012
People fleeing
Squirming flesh
Ashen face and wild eyes
And silence.
No surprise
Flex the arms
Expand and breathe
Break the ribs
Pump the chest
Spit and hack
Rescue Vac
Place and Squeeze
Hold the head and
Thick sputum
Dark veins
Pale skin
Fixed eyes
Flat line
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