Clouds and pressure, gray skies blowing
Lightning stabs electric flowing
Thunder bursts like a heavy drum
Ears are hurting from the thrumb
My visions clouding turning black
Hate and anger, rage attack
Shouting screaming arms unstilled
Fury flows and hope is killed

Hate......so much disdain, loathing, detestation
Pain burns, an inflammation
It creeps and crawls beneath my skin
An evil thing that dwells within
Horrid gross it swells and swims
Extending into all my limbs

I cannot stop this terrible storm
And when I see your beauty form
It slows and stalls and loses heat
Then it dies but not complete
Something hidden, always there
This evil presence in my lair

Out in the cold sun,
In the wet forest morning
I see the teeth of the world

And the hot blood cooling
On the unkind smiles
Of the creatures that struggle

And the eyes of the dead
That wish they had jumped higher

I see the proud creatures,
Sons of survivors
Without guarantees
They fly, until they stumble

And no one knows what lies in the water

We have finally forgotten
Letting go that final cold cable
And in forgetting we remember
But only in a hazy sepia tone
The blemishes have smoothed
The words have slurred together
It is finally in the past

They are now the good times
Remembered only in a picture
Two people arm in arm
Smiling in the golden sunshine
As it should be

I see the hands
As jaws, grasping in the ancient water
Clasping at the skins of other creatures
With desperation and gnawing hunger
I see the claws that are your nails,
Even trimmed they still scratch,

I see your hands
I see the teeth in them
That seek and bite, and swallow
What they catch

I see you,
I know you as the animal that you are
Your smile is full of teeth,
And not all of them crush plants

To the unloved children of the dark streets
I don't hate you
I can't judge you
I walk past your crumpled form
Sandwiched in the crevice with an old sleeping bag
I have only empathy
I can't fix you
I don't even know what needs fixing
Maybe you just need money
Maybe it's deeper

I lack the resources to fix the world
So that you and others aren't sleeping on the street
I'll give you food if I have it
Sunblock in the summer to protect your vulnerable skin
A coat in the winter
I can help protect your physical body
From the assaults of nature

I wish I could soothe your soul
I know in my heart that we aren't that different
But, I try very hard to never be you

Am I using up my love
Am I burning through the stock of that ineffable magic
Each time, it happens
I feel like I have less
Like I have lost piece by little piece
The moon and the stars in your eyes
Each time I throw myself into the dark pools of your desires
I come up emptier
As though deep at the bottom
Amongst the smooth stones
Lie pieces of a heart too burdened to rise
Each time I come up
a little more out of breath
Does it come back?
Can I restore that silent joy
Or have I spent it beyond recovery?

I shed a tear for you
It hit the desk with a gentle tap
A tiny pool glistens on the wood
A brief testament to my thoughts
The longing for your presence
Your touch your smile your eyes
Your soft hair and your soft skin
Pale and smooth, like fresh cream
Your seductive face, so wild and so mysterious
Your hair crosses your face and you smile
That sneaky smile laden with ****** energy
These are the things I miss right now
But I will miss more the more I think
And I will shed a tear for those thoughts of you
As soon as they cross my mind
But the small sparkling p0ol on my desk
Is spawned only for that single thought
But more are sure to follow
For I have many thoughts of you
And I think them every night

Forgive me when I think of lovers past


My heart is big, like a great house,
Like everyone's heart
The best rooms are yours,
The largest rooms are for you
The brightest, with the most sunlight are the ones where you are
Your voice echoes through them like music and the morning call of songbirds
But like a great house, long in its leaning
There are rooms not often used,
Rooms of memory
With dust and cobwebs, and shadow
That's where she lives,
If I go there and lift a sheet to reminisce over an old picture
Don't imagine I would invite her back to live
Someday those rooms too will be yours,
I am still rebuilding
It takes time to remodel a heart

I want to wrap you in my love
But first I must make it

With the first look in your eyes
As soft pools reflecting the eternal light of an old sun.
You are kind
And I will take your kindness
As a needle and thread
To weave together the pieces of you and I
As stars in the sky
And the dark velvet of joy
That is between us

I will weave it into a warm blanket
That is my affection
To wrap around you

I want to love you intensely
Completely,
Unreservedly and deservedly
I want to love you, because I know you
And not for what I imagine or wish

I want to love you with an intensity that lasts the decades and generations in which we will age and decay
Beyond the thin veil of infatuation
Beyond attraction, beyond convenience
And the mediocrity of compromise and loneliness and fear

I want to love you bravely, fearlessly and wisely

I want to adapt myself to it
Change and alter the pieces of me that are inadequate and
Grow into someone
Who is perfect at loving you

I hope that I am worthy to love you

And I hope that you are worthy of this love

I was lying, when I walked up to you
Through the wet spring fowers
In the cold morning while you sat with your sheep
I didn't know I was lying,
I wanted it to be, I wanted my love to be
But I was lying when I walked up to you
And brought my arm over your arm
And your hand in my hand
And our warm bodies enclosed
And I kissed you so softly
Because I wanted to be gentle
But I was lying when I came up to you
I didn't realize
I thought I was trying to make you happy
But I was trying to make myself happy and I was careless with your heart
I'm so sorry,
I know it doesn't matter now
But I am.

A few words from you
are like spring water
glistening in the dry desert sun
promise of relief
memories of cool foggy mountains
and rivers that flow forever

Like a seed buried in the dark earth
cracking its hard shell
seeking to grow
and become something great

My soul hasn't forgotten
My love hasn't died

I know it's not something you want
or are looking for from me
I won't burden you with it

But a few words from you
brings the sun into my day

I have not felt this intense in an eternity of moments
It is exhilarating
Like standing above the world itself, and jumping
Like falling through a storm of myself
Like falling through the storm of being

I do not want to scare you though

I want you to know,
You are safe with my emotions
Never feel guilty for anything you feel
Especially towards me
Never feel guilty if you don't want to come
Never feel like you have to participate in this crazy thing
I want you always to feel safe in yourself
Especially around me

I know that things change
People change
Storms are not eternal
If or when that day comes
Do not feel guilty for feeling what you feel
And never feel guilty making a decision about it
Even if it hurts

And if you do not wish to continue
Do not feel guilty telling me
I know of the limitations of living
And the limitations of myself
And the limitations of one thing to another
I will understand.
As long as you tell me

Tell me early,
Tell me soon
Do not falter
Do not delay
Please do not waiver
Tell me, and I will understand

It will hurt,
A little bit each way
It will be like hitting the ground
But we always make ourselves a parachute after the first time
Love fails to keep us flying,
This time,
It will not **** us.

So saying that, I say
Please jump with me
And let us see where we land.

She danced in the night
And asked nothing from the young men
Who gave everything but what was free
She swayed to the siren's song
And moved like water in the moonlight

I'm not ashamed that I crashed my ship
Upon her rocky shores
Searching for salvation

I'm ashamed that I blamed her for the rocks
And
I'm ashamed that I blamed her for my own choice to stay
Instead of looking forward.

Who cares for the ****** child
Who will feed the dark haired child,
Rock him to sleep
And teach him how to be kind

Who cares for the old *****
The old ***** was young once
With skin as smooth as youth was strong
Lips with luster and hair, silk and long
Her eyes were bright then when she was young

Who will clean the dark walls of the stark stone halls,
The stained stone that crumbles at the corners of her house?

There is sadness in the corners, under the shelves, under the bed,
It lurks in the dark unlit places,
Hides in the wrinkles on her skin, and lines of tired eyes
It lays beneath the bright flowery stained sheets
And drifts under the smoke of cigarettes and scented candles
The sound of sadness plays
Like background music and whispers into nothing
But it plays on, it plays long after
It is there, her sadness
In saccharine smiles, sickly sweet

Oh poor young *****
Who will keep the harsh words and dark deeds from your door,
From your body and your soul

Oh poor young *****
Life is unkind
And mankind unkind to

Let me love you
If only for a moment.
You are leaving
And I know that it is unlikely and improbable
That I should follow, or that you should stay
So let me love you,
If only for a day.
Or a week
Or the span of time between not knowing you
And knowing you are gone
And in that space
Let me love you with all the intensity and passion I possess
For the short time that we have
Let me harness the sun inside my soul and hold nothing back
Let me burn hot and fast and brightly around you
Till you have gone.
Let me consume the small moments like gasoline
I will dwell in those brief encounters
Savoring the ephemeral taste of the flame
Because, soon you will be gone
And I shall let you go

I find this an awkward thing to say
And I don't quite know why I'm saying it,
Though I suspect a reason

I loved you, you know

I loved you
Very intensely
More than was healthy given the situation
And my personal experience and emotional maturity
I tried really hard not to make you suffer for my love for you
Which is an odd thing to say unless you know how dumb young men can be.
I was very dumb, but,
I think I was successful, maybe?
I don't love you that way anymore
Which is a good thing for both of us.
But I do love you in a small way

I don't want anything from you
You are fine as you are
I don't need to be in your life
Your life is your own
And so is mine

But some silly romantic piece of me
Wants you to know
That I loved you very deeply
And when I think of you
I still smile

I wish you well
It was nice to see you
Last week

For the love of god,
Look in the corner of the screen
Look in the small dark corner
Look where the camera doesn't care
See the place that's out of focus,

That's where the villain is
For the Love of god,
Look there

I fill the days
Full with movement
One lonely mountain to the next empty valley
The wind blows through it,
Whispering, where will you go next
I don't know

I walk on, and on
Always moving, always searching,

I took a multitude of universes from you
An infinite series of possible other yous
Each completing a life different from this one.
I can't give them back
You only ever do just get the one

But I look in the eyes of the old wives
And hidden in their words
Is the mourning for all the lives they couldn't live

And so I know what it means when you chose me.
Every day
I will not waste your life
I want to say
That each day
I will make the multiverse of you jealous that they don't live this exact life
But I know how life is,
So I can't promise a perfect life
I can only promise
That each day I will try

We do not chose
The ones we fall in love with
We do not chose the moment
We do not choose the reason

It happens
And then we are left with the storm of it
We are left with a fire
That burns despite rain, or air
It burns regardless of our will
It burns in us, and of us and through us
And we do what we can with it
We do what we think we must
We always do what we think we must
And the consequences of our decision
Does not change the flames
Not at first
Not noticeably
But it does,  and it does,
And it does it again and again
A thousand tiny shifts repeated
And time will do what it must
And time must change things
Even the fire that burns this hot
For all things change
That is time
And love is a thing
That does what it must
Which is to set fire

Love is brave
Take your armor
That you have wrought
In the depth of your suffering
From the sources of your personal injuries
And cast it aside
Bare your breast
Before the one whose joy you wish ascendant
Watch her in her own fear
Holding the knife itself come forward
And trust
She will hold you with courage to

I mean it can't think
But, if it could
If an emotion could speak
Love would sound stupid
It would say silly nonsensical things like
I'll love you till the end of time
Or
I hope this moment lasts forever
It never says anything remotely realistic or true like
Right now I am high on dopamine and I think I want to give you my genes.
Or
I like you, and contingent on several unknown but definitely real factors I think I want to spend a long time with you.
Doesn't sound very romantic, but then, love is dumb
And doesn't care about the truth
If it did
Love might not be so fragile.

There are two little fires sitting next to me
They radiate a fierce warmth meant only for themselves
The light and heat of their dance Illuminate the dim bar with a loving And jealous radience
If I sit too close
Or look directly
I will burn myself
Their fire is for themselves
But it's warm nonetheless
And I don't mind
I hope their fires burn for a long time to come

How loud the dead men walked
Stumbling grumbling bumbling
How horribly they stalked
Moaning, groaning, loudly owning
All the night in which they walked
Our conversation died
But still the dead men talked
Of brains, and organs, kidneys, spleen,
We broke and then we baulked
Bustling hustling soundless rustling
Towards the exit almost out until we knocked
The vase that shattered splattered and we scattered
The dead men stopped, with dead heads cocked
Towards the sound of breaking glass
We stared dead eyes as all were shocked
Then the keening, awful screaming full of meaning
Sprinting, running, breathless fleeing from the dead that came careening
Heedless, reckless, mindless feckless,
Almost out but we were blocked
Stuck and captured cowed and caught
How we tried but were outfought
Chewed and chomped by jaws so locked
And now I to feel dead and rot
Taking over, bleeding stopped
Eyes are going legs are shot
Stiff and moaning and not knowing
How horribly us dead men walk

As the chill crawls down the spine
And breath wisps into the cold air
The small hairs on your knuckles
And the nape of your neck stand on end
When you feel the icy breath of evil slowly sliding up behind you
A walk turns into a jog and then a run
Just a feeling but enough
The scream starts in the hollow of your gut
As your diaphragm contracts straight down
It shoots up into your filled lungs
And just at the moment
When your vision begins narrowing
Just when the first slides of your life flicker past your minds eye
A crack
The Darkness takes you
And all is void and nothing
And then you wake
On the bed
In an awkward position
Wondering
Is this where I fell asleep?
Was that a dream?
Then the motion,
Then the swish
The sting
Then the blood
Warm
And then cold
And darkness once more
Wondering
Wondering, why

Beer like this forgets itself in the bottle
Strength unseen becomes a lie
A bitter and malty goodbye
The suds and silk are sly
And wander while they slide
Down throats that know no why

So drink to the end of questions
Upend the cup that brings confessions
A pessimist sees perfection
In the bottom of his empty glass

There is a silence in the house
An empty voice
There is a lack of something
And I cannot find it
I wake up early
And get out of bed late.
I do little chores but
I never get anything done
I drive to coffee shops
And cafes
I search for places that have people
But still I am alone
And so I come home
There is a vacancy here
That I cannot explain
There is a void that grows
And every day it feels larger
And the silence gets louder
As if the space in which there is no one
Gets bigger day by day
The echo of it lengthens
And the sound of footfalls
And the creak of old wood stretches outwards
And at the end of it all
It feels like a stadium filled with no one
An arena of empty chairs
And all the howling, cheering life
That isn't there

I washed my loneliness off in the soft pools of your warm body
In the rise and fall of the tides of your chest
I found redemption in the crash of your sighs
And the sacred secrets of your tremulous breathing

I sought shelter in the shade of your *******
The hot corners of your hungry mouth
In the small creases at the edge of your eyes
There was solace in the shadows of your flesh
That could hide my brokenness

For the storm of those moments
That collected like the splintered beams
Of crashed ships on the shore
I was free

And when your breathing slowed,
And the doors of your eyelids opened
I realized once more the depth of my solitude
Once more I saw the dirt on my soul
The dust collecting on my walled away heart
That grew old and bitter in its isolation.

I knew I did not love you

And I was using you

In the hot sweat of your desire,
I washed away my loneliness

But, I did not love you
And I never tried

Oh my fool who loves me still
I wish your love that I could ****
It is wasted at my sill
In songs and poems, words and rhymes
Sadly insufficient lines
Better if your tongue would still
Your heart not hardened
Your happiness not killed
Instead I hope a knowing strength to will
An understanding of your place
And position in this race
For you my darling
Who I cherish
I would not wish your heart to perish
The truth my friend
And truth is fell
Is that I love you
But not so well

This incongruity of love
Turns friendship to a kindly hell

That is why your smile's bitter
My wise sad fool
For your wisdom does not bear
On the foolish course you swear
To love me
I do not wish it,
I do not ask it,
Your love I don't implore
I ask instead, to please explore
Dig deep into your very core
To understand this tug of war
And why from you I don't want more.

Rather I would wish
That instead of this cold dish
Of a love that's not extended
I hope your pain to be transcended
And from these ashes
May you be ascended

Old Lover

Awake again
To see the night
A starless sky
To wonder why

On wounds that ache
The hearts we break
A venture tried
The risky stake

Scars though old
Are injured still
Haunted by a past now stilled
Hoping for a future willed

Through tired eyes
He sees dark skies
Past decisions make him weep
As time exacts its price most steep

Age and beauty
Love that’s lost
Passion burning
Cold and frost

Still he’s bidden
Soul that rasps
Hope that burns
Behind his mask

Tired lines
Bitter wines
Vinnegar
That quiet pines

Another voice
Another time
Another mind
That wasn't mine

Regret and rue
Caustic acid
Things we'd do
If only then we knew

What can be found
Is at a cost
Nothing given
Nothing gained

All that’s joy
Must come through pain
Sacrifice
Begin again

Gifts now hidden
Age not asked
Body's broken
Hard his task

It was a labor towards your love
A painful flight by wounded dove
Flighing ever higher towards the sun
But things have changed and I must run
All the things that smell of you
The flower that collects the dew
The swimming goggles in december
The little book that I remember
They hold too much of you
So I will send them to the fire
High atop a wooden pyre
While it burns I say goodbye
And the part of you in me will die

I hate the moment that you lose a beautiful thought
I despise the very second when it melts and all you have left
Are the loose strands of something that could have been amazing
Like whispers of a dream that vanishes on waking
Like the last words of great men lost in breathless gasps
Like pictures carrying forgotten moments too faded to see
That moment is nothing short of tragedy

To be a people pleaser
Is to be a liar
First to yourself
First you say
Their happiness is my happiness
Then you say
I'm fine, I'm fine with this
And this and this and this
And when they say this
And they look at you
With the eyes of a lover
With deep need and kindness
With the vulnerability you wish was yours
You say that, and this, and that
So they won't be sad, so that they'll smile,
You want so much for them to smile
Because you love them...
Or you want to love them?
Or, you wished you loved them?
Or, you don't want to hurt them
Because
You're a people pleaser
And you imagine
You pretend, you tell yourself
This, this is my person
You want it so much to be true
Until a moment comes
And you look around
And realize
I'm not fine
And you pull
And you pull, till you pull
The rug out from underneath them
And the shelter you built
And the futures you conjured
And the safety you promised
Evaporates and falls apart
Like a flimsy children's umbrella
And the rain like hateful knives comes down
And you get to watch
As the betrayal falls
And you realize you could never be
What they needed
You promised so much
But it was a lie
First to yourself
But oh how they suffered for it

In a moment
Or an hour or a day
We feel the incomplete nature of ourselves
We perceive an incongruity
Between desire
And reality
Reconciliation of the incongruity
Does not happen in a moment
In an hour, or a day
Some say the incongruity will always exist
And to release yourself from desire
Will make you one with reality
Consider though
The dead become dirt in the cool earth 
We all become one with reality sooner than we desire
Perhaps we should appreciate the incongruity

Newborn babies always look like wise beleaguered old men
Aghast at coming back into the same world
Their souls abdicated on the last go
Squinting at the visions of their new lives
Wondering, has anything changed for the better since I left?

Then the *** is placed into their hungry mouths and they forget

She walked past
And I saw with a flash
Quick as fast cash
She was...
An accident waiting to happen
To me.

A story I never wanted to write
A road not to travel
A painting that should
never be
never started,
never seen
But I saw it

In the distance
I saw it in the wet ink and red paint
And road signs pointing
On slick roads that lead to bent metal
And I knew with conviction
Every gut nerve and fiber
From the center of me
Out and up i saw it
That if I fell in love with her
It would be a terrible train wreck
An intense and awesome beautiful thing
Raging and roaring, and happy as hell
Fire and flames and kindness and pain
And passion that burns as cold as the rain

But I held fast
Like a ship in a storm
Like a saint with the sinners
Like a soldier at war
I was hit in the face
By blue eyes and white lace
And red lips that sweet taste
Her hot scent was hot mace

But i didn't care
And I didn't cave
I didn't flinch
I didn't run
I held fast
And I breathed with a sigh
As she passed me by
And  im not sure why,

But I think it's for the best

There is a future
Where it might have worked
A future where you did end up falling for me
As I did for you
Would it still have lasted
What would it have become I wonder?
Asking that is fruitless
It didn't
Not in this universe
I'll go to sleep tonight wondering anyways
And wondering how and where you are
In this area of this universe

I hope you're well.

Goodnight.

Sometimes I am the teeth
And sometimes I am the tongue
Sometimes I am the earth
And sometimes I am the sun

At times I sit in the dark of the world
And stare at the multitude, burning fires
Wondering after the flame
Other times I become the kindling
And in turns embers and the Ash

One day I saw a bird
And wished I was its wings
Beating the air for purpose

Sometimes I am the water
And sometimes I am the fish in the water
Other times still, I am the emptiness of space
Am I a fish there too?

I drank a drink
A liquid in a clear glass
Potions for the pain in life
An elixir for a fix sure
Sometimes wine and sometimes water
Sometimes coffee and sometimes tea
And for hard days sometimes whiskey

How weird it is
How strange a thought
That someone else
Would hold my heart
With the care
That I might share
So foreign felt
In my mind dwelt 
The thought that you love me
The same that I love you

Sun and daisys
summers hot
dont be lazy
Smile wide

Not too crazy
times are tough
and money's tight
the car is broken
the bike is to
walking's always good for you
as is running, swimming, true
exercise and pay your due
don't complain just get it done
cause times are tough and money's tight
as it may don't take all day
learning how to cope,

Your job you hate
i understand
you must make it
meet demand
time's are tough and money's tight
these are things we cannot fight
your girl don't love you
that's ok
most love ends anyways
but smile wide
a little crazy
laugh a lot for
Sun and Daisys
life is not

find your strength,
and find your joy
in little places,
shy and coy,
against the dark
against the violence
against the stark cold endless silence
against the howling careless drone
that is your burden not alone
smile wide and don't be lazy
to live this life
one must be crazy

In the twilight night
That casts shadows to the day
The cold creeps at the October edges of my single pane windows,
And seeps into my cheaply heated home with newspaper insulation
It catches my toes, and walks up my white hands and grabs my face and nose
The cold grasps firm and goes deep

And in the chilly dieing light  
I found a picture of you laughing, tucked into a book I was going to give you
Suddenly I am dragged back to the moment when I fell in love with your soft native eyes.
And your freckled cheeks drawn in an eternal smile
I loved your black hair and your carefree way

The cold is not cold enough for this,
I open a window and the back door.
I finish my drink to the whiskey sharp bottom,
I cast off my blanket and sit as wind comes in.
The cold is not yet cold enough

I add ice and ***** to my glass
Hoping for Russian absolution
But in the freezing flesh core of my sad meat suit,
As the temperature drops to negative numbers  
My stupid heart still beats for you
And the cold is not cold enough for this.

When I saw her
The first woman with the first wide eyes
Bright and light and dark and deep
With life and mystery
My heart beat like the first hand struck the first drum
And the first song was sung
In dark caves of ten times ten thousand years ago

When I first breathed that first scent
My sight stopped
My mind stopped
My mind was my body and my hands and my gut
And my legs extending to the ground and the earth and time
And it slowed down like an ice age beginning
Then it melted into warm fire
Where it burned

The first touch of the first woman
Was electrical chemical radioactive bliss
Every piece of matter in me wanted to move and dance and shake and fly apart
The spark from the start of her heart beat
Crossed through the fibers and
Traveled down the pathways of her body
Down the chemical electric synapses
Through her arm and jumped across to my hand
And traveled up and started a new beat
It was a faster, and stronger beat
And it beat
And it beat
Like the first dance,
Shook with the slap and smack of ground and hands and feet

Oh the first woman was all women
And then there were other women
And they were people
Flesh and blood
And minds and thoughts
And feelings that I could not feel
Good and bad and indifferent
With hangups and problems
Blemishes and baggage
I met women coming
Women going
Here and there
Now and then
For coffee, for beer,
One evening or ten
I met scientists, nurses
bartenders and baristas.
Living lives I didn't mind
Giving time when it was mine
Asking for things I couldn't find

Then I saw You
All of you
In time and space and speed

I caught the scent of you
Your fragrance and perfume
And the primal musk of you
That fatal lusts allure

I felt you
The gravity of your body from across the room
Your electro-magnetic force pulling
Pressure of the displaced particles pushing
As you walked so slowly towards me

And time stopped
Light and sound and movement were captured
Captive to your hypnotic sway
Prisoner to your power over my perception
You moved through the still air
And it swept aside like a curtain as you passed
The world was quiet

And then it pounded  
The pressure of it filled the air and everything around it
As you moved closer,
Like ride of the Valkyries
Rising and crashing in waves
It rose as you moved towards me
You carried it in your wake
And then it was a crescendo
A vast overpowering transcendent orchestral cacophony
Of immense intense sound and light and energy erupting
Cymbals crashed and horns blew and strings snapped under the pressure of the vibrations
Brilliant fireworks exploded in the black sky of your brown eyes
As you stopped a few feet from me

And time was stopped
You were the first woman
You were all women
You are
The only woman

We are always a joke to the generation before us.
As we act out the tired scenes that were before them.
We are a parody of them,
We are a cliche before we know it,
And every time we look back
We see our own parodys ******* up all over

Here I am in this photograph
Let me exist
For a moment in front of you
Captured
Here I am in this exact moment

Dissolve the pretense of the present
Roll back the subtle layers
That we wrap around ourselves
To protect our fragile selves from the judgment of existence

You watching now do not know
What lengths we went to
What spells we wrought
To justify in our minds
The choices that lead us
To places that didn't yet exist.

Step into my soft worn shoes
Imagine them stiff and new
See me, not aged not tired
See me absurd and unsure
See me
And know time is cruel
And mankind foolish

Forgive me.
For someday
Someone will see your picture
Be kind

The stars are very far my dear
And my mind is further still.
Far away in distant times and moments
Words once mumbled hard to hear
And maybe I didn't hear so well
And maybe I can only imagine now
What was said then
How far it is from there to here
From then to now is as far
As the light of the dimmest stars to me.
Reflected and bent light of the long dead
And so I see it flicker
And so it was

There is a hot dark coal inside me
It was once a great tree
It grew so fast and so tall,
and I was so proud of it
and I wanted so much to show it to you
it was in the garden of my soul
wild and tangled and complicated
and I wanted so much to show you
but I did not want to take you down the ***** path
I did not want to take you past all the other growing things
not until you wanted to
not until I knew that you wanted to see the garden of things inside
and know me as a whole thing
I did not want to make it complicated for you
or for me

I was embarrassed at the unchecked size of it,
its roots went to the core of the world that I knew
seeking the fountain of life and youth
and it's branches grabbed at the universe itself
greedy with desire
proclaiming it's power
the tree was love itself
or my naïve selfish expression of it
and it was proud and gaudy and foolish


and when you wandered off,
I was so disappointed,
and I was so ashamed then
that here was this tree that you would never see
that I had grown for you.
But mostly for me

and I tried so hard to let it exist,
to let it be as it was.
because the thought of cutting it down seemed petty
and I loved the tree that was my love for you
because I did not stop loving you after you left

but time still beat, and the tree grew old and ridiculous
and it eventually died, because it could not live
because though I did not cut it down,
I also did not tend it,
I tried very hard not to see it
but I always found myself walking by it
and I always saw it, and knew it
I looked at it and the broken promise of it
and I let it die and I hoped it would die fast


but it died slowly
it died so ****** slowly
it died in pieces, branches at a time
leaves and bark and flowers
and I burned them as fast as they fell,
and now there is just the coal of it left,
smoldering
hot, and fiery still
and I want to put water on it.

But I know I never will

A poem written using combinations from my words page

Trees painful bow
To harsh winds breathless drum
Lightening hides the earth
And the clouds fell sharp
Black dun over old sun
Sparking arch parts wood
Fire flames grass gave
And the earth heaves high waves

Dark skies lose stars
Cracks cave and mountain roars
Eruption bright and high soars
The earth fumes, forgotten forge
In coal black depths
The sun dies

Hale ice, screams and falls
Cold creeps on dark halls
Electric pulse in dry bones
And blood smoke air chokes

Run Drink Die

The quiet voice falls dead
As the soft life burns
In the beautiful stopped light
Of the eye of the storm

Run Drink Die

Stand strong beneath the waves
As your soul crossing body strays
And crushed flesh finds graves

Run and Drink and Die.

In the eye of the storm




Criticism is highly appreciated, give me your thoughts

I've carried his body many times this week
I carried him to the helicopter
From the helicopter to the hospital
I lowered him into the coffin
And carried him to the cold storage
And to the waiting plane
I carry his body in my mind when I try to sleep
And think if there was anything I could have done better
And there are lots of things
And I carry that to
I know I will eventually set it down
But it is very heavy right now