When I saw her
The first woman with the first wide eyes
Bright and light and dark and deep
With life and mystery
My heart beat like the first hand struck the first drum
And the first song was sung
In dark caves of ten times ten thousand years ago

When I first breathed that first scent
My sight stopped
My mind stopped
My mind was my body and my hands and my gut
And my legs extending to the ground and the earth and time
And it slowed down like an ice age beginning
Then it melted into warm fire
Where it burned

The first touch of the first woman
Was electrical chemical radioactive bliss
Every piece of matter in me wanted to move and dance and shake and fly apart
The spark from the start of her heart beat
Crossed through the fibers and
Traveled down the pathways of her body
Down the chemical electric synapses
Through her arm and jumped across to my hand
And traveled up and started a new beat
It was a faster, and stronger beat
And it beat
And it beat
Like the first dance,
Shook with the slap and smack of ground and hands and feet

Oh the first woman was all women
And then there were other women
And they were people
Flesh and blood
And minds and thoughts
And feelings that I could not feel
Good and bad and indifferent
With hangups and problems
Blemishes and baggage
I met women coming
Women going
Here and there
Now and then
For coffee, for beer,
One evening or ten
I met scientists, nurses
bartenders and baristas.
Living lives I didn't mind
Giving time when it was mine
Asking for things I couldn't find

Then I saw You
All of you
In time and space and speed

I caught the scent of you
Your fragrance and perfume
And the primal musk of you
That fatal lusts allure

I felt you
The gravity of your body from across the room
Your electro-magnetic force pulling
Pressure of the displaced particles pushing
As you walked so slowly towards me

And time stopped
Light and sound and movement were captured
Captive to your hypnotic sway
Prisoner to your power over my perception
You moved through the still air
And it swept aside like a curtain as you passed
The world was quiet

And then it pounded  
The pressure of it filled the air and everything around it
As you moved closer,
Like ride of the Valkyries
Rising and crashing in waves
It rose as you moved towards me
You carried it in your wake
And then it was a crescendo
A vast overpowering transcendent orchestral cacophony
Of immense intense sound and light and energy erupting
Cymbals crashed and horns blew and strings snapped under the pressure of the vibrations
Brilliant fireworks exploded in the black sky of your brown eyes
As you stopped a few feet from me

And time was stopped
You were the first woman
You were all women
You are
The only woman

There is a silence in the house
An empty voice
There is a lack of something
And I cannot find it
I wake up early
And get out of bed late.
I do little chores but
I never get anything done
I drive to coffee shops
And cafes
I search for places that have people
But still I am alone
And so I come home
There is a vacancy here
That I cannot explain
There is a void that grows
And every day it feels larger
And the silence gets louder
As if the space in which there is no one
Gets bigger day by day
The echo of it lengthens
And the sound of footfalls
And the creak of old wood stretches outwards
And at the end of it all
It feels like a stadium filled with no one
An arena of empty chairs
And all the howling, cheering life
That isn't there

Sun and daisys
summers hot
dont be lazy
Smile wide

Not too crazy
times are tough
and money's tight
the car is broken
the bike is to
walking's always good for you
as is running, swimming, true
exercise and pay your due
don't complain just get it done
cause times are tough and money's tight
as it may don't take all day
learning how to cope,

Your job you hate
i understand
you must make it
meet demand
time's are tough and money's tight
these are things we cannot fight
your girl don't love you
that's ok
most love ends anyways
but smile wide
a little crazy
laugh a lot for
Sun and Daisys
life is not

find your strength,
and find your joy
in little places,
shy and coy,
against the dark
against the violence
against the stark cold endless silence
against the howling careless drone
that is your burden not alone
smile wide and don't be lazy
to live this life
one must be crazy

In the twilight night
That casts shadows to the day
The cold creeps at the October edges of my single pane windows,
And seeps into my cheaply heated home with newspaper insulation
It catches my toes, and walks up my white hands and grabs my face and nose
The cold grasps firm and goes deep

And in the chilly dieing light  
I found a picture of you laughing, tucked into a book I was going to give you
Suddenly I am dragged back to the moment when I fell in love with your soft native eyes.
And your freckled cheeks drawn in an eternal smile
I loved your black hair and your carefree way

The cold is not cold enough for this,
I open a window and the back door.
I finish my drink to the whiskey sharp bottom,
I cast off my blanket and sit as wind comes in.
The cold is not yet cold enough

I add ice and ***** to my glass
Hoping for Russian absolution
But in the freezing flesh core of my sad meat suit,
As the temperature drops to negative numbers  
My stupid heart still beats for you
And the cold is not cold enough for this.

Clouds and pressure, gray skies blowing
Lightning stabs electric flowing
Thunder bursts like a heavy drum
Ears are hurting from the thrumb
My visions clouding turning black
Hate and anger, rage attack
Shouting screaming arms unstilled
Fury flows and hope is killed

Hate......so much disdain, loathing, detestation
Pain burns, an inflammation
It creeps and crawls beneath my skin
An evil thing that dwells within
Horrid gross it swells and swims
Extending into all my limbs

I cannot stop this terrible storm
And when I see your beauty form
It slows and stalls and loses heat
Then it dies but not complete
Something hidden, always there
This evil presence in my lair

Have you forgotten?
The Iron
The Fire
The hammer and anvil of it all
The pile of **** and scrap metal
The dirt ore heap in the corner of your soul
The useless heavy burden
On your shoulders, and in the heart of you

Have you forgotten the forging and the beating
The sweating and the bleeding
The swing and the crash,
And the pain and the smash;
The heat from the fires that purify
And the hiss from the waters that solidify
Have you missed the bending and folding
and the way that you're constantly molding?

Have you forgotten
You are the hammer
You are the anvil
You are the iron and the forge fire
That creates the steel of your character
The sharp sweeping sword of your soul
For no one else can change you
Except for you

So slam the hammer down!
Swing it without flinching
Tense yourself, your muscles your nerves and sinews
Grit your teeth and clench your jaw
Grip the metal like a white knuckled vice of certainty
Focus on the spot and
Slam the Hammer Down!
Beat it into something useful
Beat if into something beautiful
Beat it with meaning for it is meaningful!
Did you forget that!

No, You did not forget
You dreamed of throwing it off,
You dreamed of being rid of it
You  hoped to wake one day
And find that it had melted away

But

“You cannot dream yourself into a character:
you must hammer and forge yourself into one.”
― Henry David Thoreau

I'll trace the lines along your face
Feel the warmth of your embrace
The soft firm pressure on your hips
Gently touching finger tips
Loving arms in hugging grips
Your moist and luscious pouty lips
I tasted the depth in every kiss
Your happy smile is my bliss
Each moment is a treasure
Every touch and sense a pleasure
And when you leave I'll wait for you
To gaze once more at eyes so blue

This is where I'll meet you
At the crossing of four paths
On a warm wet autumn evening
With gray rain clouds in the sky

At the crossing of four paths
The hills are full of color
The trees are hung with gold leaf
But the fields are still green

At the crossing of four paths
The birds are chirping lively
And the rain falls ever lightly
On the flowers that are dying

At the crossing of four paths
Beneath an autumn sun
At the ending of the summer
Before winter has begun

This is where I'll meet you
At the crossing of four paths

It started in a coffee shop
Where you worked
Four days a week
And I knew the hours
I knew it with a deep visceral longing
With a terror and a joy
A forbidden pleasure that sickens me
And I tried very hard to let you be
But you took the town over
With the musk of a presence that I longed for with the whole of my being
All the while, the quiet and logical part of my disrupted mind reminded me that being near you was not appropriate
How I loathed that Vulcan presence
But I heeded it more or less.
And as you became attached to all the little places
In this quiet little town
I knew I had to leave
in order to let my violent need die
And now having lived in a far off state I sit at the SeaTac gates
And the old familiar clutch of deaths bony palm on my soft intestines squeezes, and a small anxious voice whispers
What if she gets out at this gate?
Do you now own the whole of Alaska?
If I find you move to Chicago
Will I quail at O'Haire
With the small chance that you're there?

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
Those soft and welcome eyes
What sweet illicit spies
That welcome with their sighs

How the pupils grow and stay
While the lids so softly lay
Casting shadows in the day
And dusk creeps where it may
The dark sweet shade of night
That beckons with its sight

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
It's in the black silk stranded lashes
That lift and swoop and how it crashes
Like heaving waves of strong desire
They break upon my shore
And leave me breathless,
Wishing still for more

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
They shout and scream and cry
They beg and plead, and loudly they imply
Please, touch, taste, put strong hands on smooth skin
They burn with hot blood, and hot breath, for hot sin

It's in the eyes
It's in the eyes
Those wet red lips and ivory teeth
Those warm blush cheeks and supple neck
That sweet sweat skin and tingling hand
Oh it's all in those dark fiery eyes
And in them

My demise

I have not felt this intense in an eternity of moments
It is exhilarating
Like standing above the world itself, and jumping
Like falling through a storm of myself
Like falling through the storm of being

I do not want to scare you though

I want you to know,
You are safe with my emotions
Never feel guilty for anything you feel
Especially towards me
Never feel guilty if you don't want to come
Never feel like you have to participate in this crazy thing
I want you always to feel safe in yourself
Especially around me

I know that things change
People change
Storms are not eternal
If or when that day comes
Do not feel guilty for feeling what you feel
And never feel guilty making a decision about it
Even if it hurts

And if you do not wish to continue
Do not feel guilty telling me
I know of the limitations of living
And the limitations of myself
And the limitations of one thing to another
I will understand.
As long as you tell me

Tell me early,
Tell me soon
Do not falter
Do not delay
Please do not waiver
Tell me, and I will understand

It will hurt,
A little bit each way
It will be like hitting the ground
But we always make ourselves a parachute after the first time
Love fails to keep us flying,
This time,
It will not **** us.

So saying that, I say
Please jump with me
And let us see where we land.

If I were you I'd.....
Probably do the same thing
If I were you......
I'd be you,
If I had your parents, and the genes they wear
I had your childhood, and the joy and misery
Of your school days, and the games,
And that one teacher that everyone hates,
If I had your highschool crush and the depression
And the friends that were there and the ones that weren't
All the victories, and defeats,
And all the mediocre moments in between
If I were you....
I'd be you,
If you were me,
You'd be me, my decisions make sense to me because of everything
Everything that goes into making me, me, including the whys and the what fors, and the whos and hows of it all.
If I were you....
I'd probably try and be more forgiving towards myself,
If you were me.....
I'd hope you do the same.

In the stillness of the place that you sleep

I am awake, so very awake
Wide eyed and restless
Taught and tense poised beside you
I want to move and move with you
I want to feel the night with you

But you lay there so peacefully
Calm and cool and quiet,

Your body moves with the sway of your gentle breathing
Curves, rise and fall draped strong along the bed
Your face, beautifully outlined and shadowed with the moon
Eyes, carefully closed and dark and silent
You are close but terribly far away

I am stark and cold and naked and awake
Exposed before the wind and rain and weather of the night
I am surrounded by air that carries none of your words
There is nothing in this air but the sound of impatience
This air holds only my sad sighing
Waiting for the end of night
I am lonely beside you,

As the chill crawls down the spine
And breath wisps into the cold air
The small hairs on your knuckles
And the nape of your neck stand on end
When you feel the icy breath of evil slowly sliding up behind you
A walk turns into a jog and then a run
Just a feeling but enough
The scream starts in the hollow of your gut
As your diaphragm contracts straight down
It shoots up into your filled lungs
And just at the moment
When your vision begins narrowing
Just when the first slides of your life flicker past your minds eye
A crack
The Darkness takes you
And all is void and nothing
And then you wake
On the bed
In an awkward position
Wondering
Is this where I fell asleep?
Was that a dream?
Then the motion,
Then the swish
The sting
Then the blood
Warm
And then cold
And darkness once more
Wondering
Wondering, why

Where are you my love

I am wound like a tungsten spring in my waiting
I am consumed by the seering energy of my longing
I am burning in the flames of the fire that I have for you

I scream your name
Into the empty air
Where are you my love

From the very center of my being
From the deep hollow of my core
From the bottom of my soul

I scream your name
Into the empty sky
Where are you my love

With my last ragged breaths
With my remaining strength
With my final words

I scream your name
Into the empty world
Where are you my love

Who cares for the ****** child
Who will feed the dark haired child,
Rock him to sleep
And teach him how to be kind

Who cares for the old *****
The old ***** was young once
With skin as smooth as youth was strong
Lips with luster and hair, silk and long
Her eyes were bright then when she was young

Who will clean the dark walls of the stark stone halls,
The stained stone that crumbles at the corners of her house?

There is sadness in the corners, under the shelves, under the bed,
It lurks in the dark unlit places,
Hides in the wrinkles on her skin, and lines of tired eyes
It lays beneath the bright flowery stained sheets
And drifts under the smoke of cigarettes and scented candles
The sound of sadness plays
Like background music and whispers into nothing
But it plays on, it plays long after
It is there, her sadness
In saccharine smiles, sickly sweet

Oh poor young *****
Who will keep the harsh words and dark deeds from your door,
From your body and your soul

Oh poor young *****
Life is unkind
And mankind unkind to

I washed my loneliness off in the soft pools of your warm body
In the rise and fall of the tides of your chest
I found redemption in the crash of your sighs
And the sacred secrets of your tremulous breathing

I sought shelter in the shade of your *******
The hot corners of your hungry mouth
In the small creases at the edge of your eyes
There was solace in the shadows of your flesh
That could hide my brokenness

For the storm of those moments
That collected like the splintered beams
Of crashed ships on the shore
I was free

And when your breathing slowed,
And the doors of your eyelids opened
I realized once more the depth of my solitude
Once more I saw the dirt on my soul
The dust collecting on my walled away heart
That grew old and bitter in its isolation.

I knew I did not love you

And I was using you

In the hot sweat of your desire,
I washed away my loneliness

But, I did not love you
And I never tried

I shed a tear for you
It hit the desk with a gentle tap
A tiny pool glistens on the wood
A brief testament to my thoughts
The longing for your presence
Your touch your smile your eyes
Your soft hair and your soft skin
Pale and smooth, like fresh cream
Your seductive face, so wild and so mysterious
Your hair crosses your face and you smile
That sneaky smile laden with ****** energy
These are the things I miss right now
But I will miss more the more I think
And I will shed a tear for those thoughts of you
As soon as they cross my mind
But the small sparkling p0ol on my desk
Is spawned only for that single thought
But more are sure to follow
For I have many thoughts of you
And I think them every night

I love you
Despite

I love you
Regardless

I love you

I thought I hated you

But I found that I could not hate you
I can only forgive you and love you

But I will never act on it again
I will love you from wherever I am
To wherever you are
In the most quiet
Unattestable way
No one will ever know,
And, I will never tell

But I love you
Despite

I ask nothing from you

You are who I love
That is enough
For me to love you
But I will not act on it

That is my selfish consolation to loving you

Whisper silent screaming cries
Deep  and hollow sunken eyes
Weakened pleas and quiet groans
Pale skin on  brittle bones

He wheezes when he walks
And he wheezes when he talks
His muscles give and  grind and creak
His strength is gone and he is weak

His hair is falling, growing thin
His smile gone a sorry grin
But deep inside, burning bright
His soul on fire lights the night

Once a man who made things move
One last thing that he must prove
Beside him sits his tearful wife
The only thing he loved in life

Before the reaper takes his share
He'll let her know how much he cares
His lungs expand in one last gasp
And in a voice horse and rasp

He said the most important thing
As true as when he gave the ring
The three words he never said enough
But meant more than the other stuff

I love you...

I think surrealism was born of alcohol
The world looks unbelievable when intoxicated
Impossibly intricate, complex and simple
The shapes of the line that might define the borders of the world
Seems uncertain shifting and sublime,
Objectively subject to change

Depth becomes shallow and
Focus is moved from one thing to another
Beautiful women, lights on cars,
They flow and merge in the open night
And become one with the twinkling bright
Of the moon and the distant stars

Energy is movement and light
And it all goes one to the other.
The stranger is friend and now he’s my brother
Bartender!
Please bring me another

Helen shall I dash my hopes upon your rocks
Sacrifice my ship to sinking sirens song
Chase your willowisp into the dark swamps deadly mist?
Sultry siren sing to me
And bring me
Towards the jagged expectations of your ever changing shores
I shall sink myself upon the shark filled shoals
Where sailors seek salvation
And find their high hopes drowned
To fall into the endless dark
Where skeletons enthroned
All wear the coral crown

Oh Helen I shall send a fleet with high flags flying
And chance your shifting sands
I shall risk the rocks and waves
the highs and lows of your desire
I shall steer my ship towards heaven
And hope to reach it's shores

Drunk in a glass
Drunk in a thought
One all consuming moment
I am lost in thinking
And lost in unthinking seeing
Autonomic functions compunction
Maintains the living construction
But my mind is gone in it all
I am sight and sound and thoughts unheard
Chasing a feeling that's bent on concealing
Hidden behind the layers of things
I am energy transforming,
Matter conforming
To god knows what
I am a corpse out of time
I am drunk and still drinking
Thoughts in my glass and beer in my mind
Though I look I cannot find
My keys

Thank God

Bartender! one more, and call a cab for me

How bright the eyes
A gentle spark
How sad it is
When they go dark

That flickered flame
Of many hues
It shows our shame
And all our truthes

And all of our joys and loves and lusts
Every thought reflected in the fire
Whether we are good
Whether we are just
Whether we would do
Everything we must

And as  the fire burns
And the world slowly turns
It waxes and wanes
Growing slowly dim

Warm black coals barely glowing
One last thought clearly showing
And as the roving eyes take their last sight
The bright eye becomes dull
The lids grow heavy
And the light behind the eyes
Finally fades and dies

When it rains
I like to go running
In the cold dull November
In the late afternoon
When the sun is low
The fields and forrest are empty
And the whole world is inside
Pretending not to care


When it rains I imagine that I'm a fish
Sleek and wet and strong
Gliding through a cold wet world
I imagine that I'm the animal that I am
Without a pretense
Without an expectation beyond the physicality of the ambient conditions
I am an animal in the world
Surviving, breathing, being

I look at my damp slick hands
and the mist that comes from my heaving breath as I pump my legs, through the mud in the dim forest,
As I splash through the puddles and the streams,
And think to myself I'd swim the river itself if I had to.

When it rains
I imagine I'm the animal that I am
Running through the world unmoved
Strong and fierce and more alive
knowing that the world could **** me
If I laid down.

When it rains
The world doesn't care
It doesn't care even when it's sunny
But when it rains,
I remember

I'm the animal that I am
Running in the cold wet world

A poem written using combinations from my words page

Trees painful bow
To harsh winds breathless drum
Lightening hides the earth
And the clouds fell sharp
Black dun over old sun
Sparking arch parts wood
Fire flames grass gave
And the earth heaves high waves

Dark skies lose stars
Cracks cave and mountain roars
Eruption bright and high soars
The earth fumes, forgotten forge
In coal black depths
The sun dies

Hale ice, screams and falls
Cold creeps on dark halls
Electric pulse in dry bones
And blood smoke air chokes

Run Drink Die

The quiet voice falls dead
As the soft life burns
In the beautiful stopped light
Of the eye of the storm

Run Drink Die

Stand strong beneath the waves
As your soul crossing body strays
And crushed flesh finds graves

Run and Drink and Die.

In the eye of the storm




Criticism is highly appreciated, give me your thoughts

She walked past
And I saw with a flash
Quick as fast cash
She was...
An accident waiting to happen
To me.

A story I never wanted to write
A road not to travel
A painting that should
never be
never started,
never seen
But I saw it

In the distance
I saw it in the wet ink and red paint
And road signs pointing
On slick roads that lead to bent metal
And I knew with conviction
Every gut nerve and fiber
From the center of me
Out and up i saw it
That if I fell in love with her
It would be a terrible train wreck
An intense and awesome beautiful thing
Raging and roaring, and happy as hell
Fire and flames and kindness and pain
And passion that burns as cold as the rain

But I held fast
Like a ship in a storm
Like a saint with the sinners
Like a soldier at war
I was hit in the face
By blue eyes and white lace
And red lips that sweet taste
Her hot scent was hot mace

But i didn't care
And I didn't cave
I didn't flinch
I didn't run
I held fast
And I breathed with a sigh
As she passed me by
And  im not sure why,

But I think it's for the best

A mantra of the shiftless souls
The weak and will less
Gutless wretches of world
With quivering quaking shaking legs
The brittle bones of those who cannot stand
Shout retreat at break or loss of their command
Their eyes scream run
When wisdom bids they fight for what they can
But their bridges they have burned,
Roads blocked and rivers ******
They flee from what they feel they cannot fix
And hide with weak and sordid tricks
From things they do not understand

Poised for desperate violence
They stutter uttering lies
Attempting to disguise
The fear within their minds
As they make their alibis
For those who question why?

Fear,
Is their master and their king
Fear for them, the driving thing
And they have given in

You cannot save them

They are lost so let them run
From the hot and burning sun
Let them make it for the hills
For the dark cold comfort of their caves
Where in time they  learn
Courage for their soul to save
Or die in anguish
Never learning to be brave

I do not love you
It's true
I do not love you
The curve of your hips
And the lay of your *******
The way that you kiss
How you look while you rest
Whatever it is
I can surely attest
That while you are nice
You are not the best
For me
Subjectively
I do not love you
And I am sorry

I am sorry
Because you deserve to be loved
You are kind
And you deserve kindness
You are beautiful
But not to me
Not in the way that sets my heart afire
You are beautiful
In a way that does not set my soul to dancing
You are beautiful
In a way a painting can be
And yet not capture the soul
I do not love you
And
I am sorry
Because
You are beautiful and you deserve to be loved
But
I do not love you

You are beautiful on the inside
You have an intelligent mind
Mysterious and sublime
I like your mind
But
I do not love you
Not as you deserve
I cannot make you truly happy
Because
I do not love you
And
I am sorry
But
I do not love you

Please forgive me for not loving you

Note: the subjects of this poem and the previously published poem are not the same, they are different romantic interests

I want to die
And live a thousand lives
A thousand ways to spend my days
A thousand things to do
All that can be done and was done and ever could be done
I want to see a thousand things before I die
Meet a million people and know why
They do we do the things that are done
The moon is in the sky and a billion stars besides
And trillions and quadrillions that no eye has yet to see
I want to see the universe from end to end
Every galaxy exposed and going
Every star that burns the fusion of it's atoms
To go into the atom and deeper and deeper down still
To know the fabrics that weave the world we see
To understand the quantum and the quark
Oh how big and old and small and quick and terribly complex everything seems
And oh how simple and young and tired am I
Tired of seeing and seeing how blind
Knowing only that I can never know
And that I shall pass, and not know
If anyone will ever know after me
We are so small and the Universe so big,
And life is so short, and the Universe so long
Maybe someday it will make sense,
But not now, not tomorrow,
I want to die and live a thousand lives
I want to know, why

***** voraciously vacates my mind
Slowly slipping slyly swooning
A drink I drank delirious and dumb
Never nearing, nothing but numb
For faint I felt a fleeting feeling
Till I tipped back a bit from the tap

Alcohol has always been an ally a la
Loves lost labors misplaced and lame
I'll drink to that and sink to that
And take a few shots more
And maybe then it will be like before

It was a moment
A brief conversation
A look,
A feeling
I think I love you,
So I will chase you for a time
I will seek you in the summer
While the sound of your voice in my ears is fresh
And the look of your eyes is still in my eyes
And your scent still lingers in the air
I will chase your for a while
While the day is still young
And the sun is in the sky
But if I cannot find you
If I look and find no one
And I call your name and hear nothing
If the day becomes dark and you are nowhere
And nothing I do can arouse you
And the night comes
And the cold creeps
And the signs grow old in the snow
Then I will stop
I will cease my chase,
And let you go
To drift into forgetful memory



Matthew D Mattson July 5, 2013

When I first met you in the wood
T'was like the hunter found his hart

I searched for you my swimmer pale
Like Ahab searched for his white whale

I walked for long with bow in hand
And quiver full of cupids arrows

Like the hind you were so quick
And I lost you in the forest thick

But sometimes I would see a hint
The sound of footfalls in dead sprint

Then I would try to catch and run
Thinking that my prize was won

But always you had come and gone
The most elusive adult faun

I never could quite shoot my dart
And never could quite hit your heart

In sadness I left to go
And heard your gentle hoofbeats slow

I turned and looked beyond the snow
And I saw you there my lovely doe

So timidly you looked at me
Simply wanting to be free

So I stayed my hand and bow
And waited in the cold white snow

For now I know that if you chase
The hunted will seek out more space

An eternity it seemed
While my breath in cold air steamed

And then you took a step towards me
But still I waited by the tree

And then you were by my side
Affection for you I could not hide

Finally I have got you deer
Now please will you forget your fear

For I will always be right here
If you my love will be my dear

**** sadness
**** self pity
**** that infinite, cold,  black empty feeling inside you.

Sacrifice your self imposed mindset of misery
On an alter of the ***** you should have stopped giving

First,
Take a deep breath
Like you are getting ready to dive to the dark bottom of the sea

In,
In,
In,
Like you are ******* up the whole of the world itself
Like a god consuming the universe
Till the very cells of your lungs are stretched beyond meaning

And...

HOLD IT,

Hold it


Past the point you want to scream

To the point where your tears are only for your physical pain

And then a few awful seconds more

Hold it

And just at the moment

Where you think you might have forgotten how to breathe

Exhale

Let it go

Let everything go
Every last ******* piece
Every last bit inside
Like a deflating balloon


Let it pour out of you
Like the entirety of your being is seeking to leave

And when the easy bit leaves
Keep exhaling

Let

It

Go.

Till you are as empty as the infinite void itself
Till you are as empty as you tell yourself you are

And then blow off a little more

And when you can't release one more molecule of CO2
from your wrung out lungs,

Take a free breath

A deep but normal breath

Look around
The world doesn't care what goes on inside you
It doesn't care how you feel physically
Or emotionally
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
Take charge of it
Because it matters to you

Because you matter
Whether or not your sadness let's you admit it

I know a girl with bright blue eyes
I fear that I may soon despise
For every time I start to hope
I come out feeling like a dope

Every word's a bit of rope
And each encounter is a *****
But I cannot climb out the trough
Instead I find myself aloft

Hanging from the rope I tied
With my sentiments denied
But I never meet the end
For the hangmen is that friend

The girl who ties and then unties
The rope that hangs me from the skies
Each time I hope that things will change
But instead things rearrange

Slightly different than before
A variation on the score
But the music ends the same
Because it is the same ole game

But I cannot quit the field
Nor will I bend knee and yield
Instead I'll stand my ground  and say
You cannot stop love...only delay

Did she caress my head
Did she smile
Was I drunk and wrong instead
Did I imagine what was said?

Did she touch my hand
Did she look with some desire
Was there longing in her eyes
I am uncertain with goodbyes

As she left I question
Was it kindness was it care
was it gentle friendship
That was there?

Was it *** was it lust
Was it baseless short desire
That plays me to the fire?

Was it movement without meaning
Was it apathetic leaning
Absentminded action that was lacking in all feeling?

I don't know
I don't know
But I wonder while I wander
Through my memories and ponder
Did she? Was she? Will she?
Be someone I should pursue?

I don't know,
Do you?

Oh my fool who loves me still
I wish your love that I could ****
It is wasted at my sill
In songs and poems, words and rhymes
Sadly insufficient lines
Better if your tongue would still
Your heart not hardened
Your happiness not killed
Instead I hope a knowing strength to will
An understanding of your place
And position in this race
For you my darling
Who I cherish
I would not wish your heart to perish
The truth my friend
And truth is fell
Is that I love you
But not so well

This incongruity of love
Turns friendship to a kindly hell

That is why your smile's bitter
My wise sad fool
For your wisdom does not bear
On the foolish course you swear
To love me
I do not wish it,
I do not ask it,
Your love I don't implore
I ask instead, to please explore
Dig deep into your very core
To understand this tug of war
And why from you I don't want more.

Rather I would wish
That instead of this cold dish
Of a love that's not extended
I hope your pain to be transcended
And from these ashes
May you be ascended

When the sun is on your face
And the wind is at your back
While the day is starting fresh
And there is nothing that you lack
Take advantage of the day
Be bold in brave attack
Of every problem that you face
Even as they mount and stack
And if the sunlight goes away
And the skies turn dark and black
And the winds have turned upon you
And the lightning starts to crack
Stand your ground and simply say
The day is mine and I will not be dismayed

Do not feel sorry for yourself
Self pity is silly
The whole world is full of the brutish agony of life
Struggling to survive the gales of it's storm
You are a small candle guttering in the wind

But

Please,
Know yourself
Inspect yourself
Dig deep and look deeply
Into all the little crevices and cracks
At all the dark lines of imperfection
All the edges that threaten to break themselves
On all the surfaces of the world
And when you have investigated the whole of yourself
Then own yourself
Own your cracks, your faults, your hates, your loves,
Your lacks
And when you own them,
When you have accepted the intimate nature of your own imperfection

Please,

Work on them

Change them,
And change yourself
Only a fool stays the same
Just,
Don't feel sorry for yourself

Gunshot
Screaming
People fleeing
Viscera
Blood
Squirming flesh
Ashen face and wild eyes
Gasp!
And silence.
No surprise
Pump
Pump
Pump
Flex the arms
Expand and breathe
Pop
Crack
Break the ribs
Pop
Crack
Pump the chest
Spit and hack
Rescue Vac
Place and Squeeze
Hold the head and
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
*****
Phlegm
Thick sputum
Dark veins
Pale skin
Fixed eyes
Flat line
Dead

Let me love you
If only for a moment.
You are leaving
And I know that it is unlikely and improbable
That I should follow, or that you should stay
So let me love you,
If only for a day.
Or a week
Or the span of time between not knowing you
And knowing you are gone
And in that space
Let me love you with all the intensity and passion I possess
For the short time that we have
Let me harness the sun inside my soul and hold nothing back
Let me burn hot and fast and brightly around you
Till you have gone.
Let me consume the small moments like gasoline
I will dwell in those brief encounters
Savoring the ephemeral taste of the flame
Because, soon you will be gone
And I shall let you go

The lines begin to blur
Every picture becomes every other picture
The faces all become the same face
Every expression becomes the same expression
The arch of your brows
The twist at the end of your smiles
The dusky dark eyes half lidded and sly
The aqualine line of your nose
And your high cheek bones
And your thick full painted pouty lips
The movement of your thin muscled arms in so many poses
The exact arch and curve of your bare back and toned ***
Your exposed and covered perfect *******
Clutched in your delicate gold ringed hands
Your satin skin flawless and glowing
The way your silk stranded hair cascades across your glistening body

Your are beautiful
But you are not unique
You are a repitition in the system
Ten times ten all over again
Every picture merges with the one before
And becomes part of the one after it
One woman in every frame
One idea that it's all the same

Substance that we are
Solid future of an ancient star
An end result of evolution
The lusts of men come to fruition
The care of parents intuition
All these things and more are we
But more than that specifically

We are what we become
From dust we came
And to dust shall we return
But in between those states
We are not shackled by the fates

We are free to be whatever we can dream
Whatever we can see  
We are free to grow beyond the things we were
Beyond what others thought that we could be

To become the best that is within us
To expand the edges of our understanding and our thought
To push ourselves and give it all we’ve got
All we have, every breath and bead of sweat
Every inch we get makes us better set
To get yet further still

Closer to the dreams we dream
Higher on the ladders that we place
Upon the mountains in our minds
The barriers we make that give us leave to climb
Challenges that like abrasives make us fine

The wind that burnishes the mountain
The waves that smooth the stone
So to must you
Stand upon the shores of time
And learn the lessons that you find

Like fine wine in time becomes sublime
So to will you
Add strength and subtlety to mind
Through choice and will become divine

There's not a finer way to go
Than in the early morning
As the new sun rises
And burns the light fog away that sits along the shadow of the mountains.
Dew glistens on the tall grass while bright birds chirp and sing to the new day
The cool air is filled with moisture, with dirt, thick air with life in it.
There's not a more peaceful time to die than that.
It's a good spot under the large oak tree,
Nice shade and a decent view of the range
With a strong branch, for a rough roped noose.

A gruff voiced sheriff and a soft spoken judge
Passed the final sentence and kicked the chair away
While a somber silent minister stood swaying with the breeze
It was a fine morning to die on,
A fine morning to hang

In a moment
Or an hour or a day
We feel the incomplete nature of ourselves
We perceive an incongruity
Between desire
And reality
Reconciliation of the incongruity
Does not happen in a moment
In an hour, or a day
Some say the incongruity will always exist
And to release yourself from desire
Will make you one with reality
Consider though
The dead become dirt in the cool earth 
We all become one with reality sooner than we desire
Perhaps we should appreciate the incongruity

It was a labor towards your love
A painful flight by wounded dove
Flighing ever higher towards the sun
But things have changed and I must run
All the things that smell of you
The flower that collects the dew
The swimming goggles in december
The little book that I remember
They hold too much of you
So I will send them to the fire
High atop a wooden pyre
While it burns I say goodbye
And the part of you in me will die

I will shamble in the ashes of a thousand burned out buildings
Dancing in disaster while the hot winds burn and blow
And the skies are getting darker while the lightening cracks
To frozen ground and black
Turns the ice and the snow.

All the world is turning and upturning
And spinning out of control
And all the world is burning
As the rage begins to grow

The streets are filled with nothing
Only smoke and char and rusted cars
And hollow voices in the darkness
Shouting out up to the stars
Calling for the things they need
Down to dead ears that hear no pleas

For the streets are filled with nothing
But choking fumes as thick as sludge
Frigid water filled with ash
Black and running quenching nothing
While the world is burning still

All the world is turning and upturning
And spinning out of control
And all the world is burning
As the rage begins to grow

So I dance in the dark
In the soot and smoke and the cold sick water
In the bones of the buildings that burn

Newborn babies always look like wise beleaguered old men
Aghast at coming back into the same world
Their souls abdicated on the last go
Squinting at the visions of their new lives
Wondering, has anything changed for the better since I left?

Then the *** is placed into their hungry mouths and they forget

I hate the moment that you lose a beautiful thought
I despise the very second when it melts and all you have left
Are the loose strands of something that could have been amazing
Like whispers of a dream that vanishes on waking
Like the last words of great men lost in breathless gasps
Like pictures carrying forgotten moments too faded to see
That moment is nothing short of tragedy

An unexceptional relationship
Is one with few words,
Where few thoughts converge
Nothing is given or taken or got
Not much was sold, stolen or bought
Some few true smiles, But zero harsh words
What can you say when not much is said
The texts that we sent meant little when read
The heights weren't too high and the lows were too low
To make up for the way that it goes
So I think that I'll leave
And I think that you know
It's ourselves we deceive
With this sham of a show
And I truly believe
We're better off on our own

So, Good bye,
And have a beautiful life.
I hope things go well
My new never wife