Beer like this forgets itself in the bottle
Strength unseen becomes a lie
A bitter and malty goodbye
The suds and silk are sly
And wander while they slide
Down throats that know no why

So drink to the end of questions
Upend the cup that brings confessions
A pessimist sees perfection
In the bottom of his empty glass

We have finally forgotten
Letting go that final cold cable
And in forgetting we remember
But only in a hazy sepia tone
The blemishes have smoothed
The words have slurred together
It is finally in the past

They are now the good times
Remembered only in a picture
Two people arm in arm
Smiling in the golden sunshine
As it should be

Your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below
The frozen air confronts my stair
A thousand tiny knives
Attack my skin and skewer in
Beneath my old fleece coat
They penetrate to my very core
A coldness of no more
A pain I knew when I knew you
As cold as forty below
For all you gave was unending pain
Heartbreak, misery, and woe
Like the cold dry air takes the moisture there
You sapped my hope away
Your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below
When I met you it was brisk at first
And your freshened mirth slaked my thirst
An arctic spring that masked your hidden glare
But as it fell it froze mid air
And crushed me with its weight
For your love’s grown cold
As cold as forty below

I knew the end before the play began
But still I took the players hand
And danced the steps laid out
While we listened to the band

How weird it is
How strange a thought
That someone else
Would hold my heart
With the care
That I might share
So foreign felt
In my mind dwelt 
The thought that you love me
The same that I love you

I drank a drink
A liquid in a clear glass
Potions for the pain in life
An elixir for a fix sure
Sometimes wine and sometimes water
Sometimes coffee and sometimes tea
And for hard days sometimes whiskey

The sky swirls like dust motes
As snow lifts and high floats
From mountaintops with sheer drops
And drifts go where the wind blows
The sun beats on cold streets
And birds gather in the blue sky
Silence save for the gulls cry
A sweet breeze through stiff knees
The cool wind on my dry skin
Sluffs away my cares from yesterday
And I'm (inhales)...ok

I feel no poem in me
No great words crafted to beauty
You, you are beautiful
And I can find no words
I hear old poems, by great minds
And good new poems by young men
With inspiration in their souls
They tell me of your beauty, they say it
Other names are in the titles, but you are in those words
You are in every syllable of every beautiful word
Dancing spright across the page of others work
And nothing is in me now that can say what they said of you

Every piece of all the earth
Is a piece of the place of my birth
Every black granite rock rising above the world
Every mountaintop cutting it's way up through the blue sky
Is the rock and stone that shadows my home
Every tuft of grass, every green field every meadow
Clad in early morning dew that glistens as the new sun rises
Is the green land where my home is
Every evergreen cloaked in snow on a winters night
Is below the same midnight blue sky and silent silver stars
As my home,
Every breath of air, every breeze that blows
Collecting the pieces of the earth as it goes
Carries a piece of my home in it.
And every salty drop of the sea that crashes on every grain on ever beach
Is the same sea that crashes upon the shores of my home.
And the same sun shines it's warmth upon me where ever I go.
And so wherever I go, I am home.

I've carried his body many times this week
I carried him to the helicopter
From the helicopter to the hospital
I lowered him into the coffin
And carried him to the cold storage
And to the waiting plane
I carry his body in my mind when I try to sleep
And think if there was anything I could have done better
And there are lots of things
And I carry that to
I know I will eventually set it down
But it is very heavy right now

I didn't have the guts to be a rebel
All the counterculture called at me
Asking me to join
In living rooms with Goodwill couches
Owned by a friend of a friend of a friend
They reached out to me
Hands and hearts so open that they couldn't stop bleeding
Asking me to join them
To make what I felt
To do what I wanted
Regardless of whatever the rules said.
They asked me,

Passing the tokens of a shared insobriety
That sought out the essential truth beneath
A thousand and one layers of culture and biology and social pressure
That only ever manages to turn diamonds into coal

I don't have the testicular fortitude to forsake the gifts of my birthright
My middle-class hope
Of a sliver of land beholden to an HOA
Of a wife who loves me kind of and children that will hold me to an anachronistic social standard that will leave me wanting
But it could be mine
It could be a world of my own making
With love and joy and plenty
And the mediocrity and turmoil
That is essential to life whether it is good or bad
It could be mine

The true face of the world is violent
And life struggles unconditionally to enact it's will on a world
That has extinguished more species than are alive

We are mayflies in the cosmos waxing and waning
And no one cares
And no one guarantees that I will eat tomorrow
Let alone find love
Or persist in the presence of my ancestors.

I don't have the ***** to wager my little bits of happiness
Even if there is a slim chance to change a million minds or more
Call me a coward
Call me a pragmatist
In a century call me dead
Right now you can call me mostly happy
And I don't know if there is anything better

I am a wolf
For tonight at least
And I have sharp yellow wolf eyes
I see the dark and the bright doe eyes in the dark
And tonight my teeth are sharp

My stomach growls with a desperate wild hunger
I know the long night and the cold wind and the lonely mountain
I know the old soul of the uncaring world
And I will take what I need from it
Mine is primal cause
Instinct without laws

I stalk the periphery, by the corners
Lurking in the silence  
I roll along the ***** of my feet
Through the edges and the shadows
My muscles flex and tense as the tendons extend
My claws rake along the earth slowly gathering
Searching for whom I may devour
I smell your fear
I see your weakness
I can hear your soft voice unaware.
Tonight I am a wolf
Tonight I hunt
Tonight I ****

There are two little fires sitting next to me
They radiate a fierce warmth meant only for themselves
The light and heat of their dance Illuminate the dim bar with a loving And jealous radience
If I sit too close
Or look directly
I will burn myself
Their fire is for themselves
But it's warm nonetheless
And I don't mind
I hope their fires burn for a long time to come

How loud the dead men walked
Stumbling grumbling bumbling
How horribly they stalked
Moaning, groaning, loudly owning
All the night in which they walked
Our conversation died
But still the dead men talked
Of brains, and organs, kidneys, spleen,
We broke and then we baulked
Bustling hustling soundless rustling
Towards the exit almost out until we knocked
The vase that shattered splattered and we scattered
The dead men stopped, with dead heads cocked
Towards the sound of breaking glass
We stared dead eyes as all were shocked
Then the keening, awful screaming full of meaning
Sprinting, running, breathless fleeing from the dead that came careening
Heedless, reckless, mindless feckless,
Almost out but we were blocked
Stuck and captured cowed and caught
How we tried but were outfought
Chewed and chomped by jaws so locked
And now I to feel dead and rot
Taking over, bleeding stopped
Eyes are going legs are shot
Stiff and moaning and not knowing
How horribly us dead men walk

fuckit
there's nothing much to say
fuckit
explains it best today
fuckit
it's raining and i don't have my umbrella
fuckit
my car is broken to
fuckit,
there's nowhere good to go besides
fuckit
im staying in today
Juust fuckitall

I saw you today
From far away
Pretty as the mountains,
And lovely as the sea
I basked in the far away light of your smile
That once for a time was my sun
And forgot for a moment the storms
That no matter what happens will come

I forgot the sharpness of you
And the cold deepness, that only gets darker
I saw you today from far away
And im glad that you kept walking

Some men can live on the mountain,
And some men live by the sea
But seeing you from far away
Was good enough for me

Old Lover

Awake again
To see the night
A starless sky
To wonder why

On wounds that ache
The hearts we break
A venture tried
The risky stake

Scars though old
Are injured still
Haunted by a past now stilled
Hoping for a future willed

Through tired eyes
He sees dark skies
Past decisions make him weep
As time exacts its price most steep

Age and beauty
Love that’s lost
Passion burning
Cold and frost

Still he’s bidden
Soul that rasps
Hope that burns
Behind his mask

Tired lines
Bitter wines
Vinnegar
That quiet pines

Another voice
Another time
Another mind
That wasn't mine

Regret and rue
Caustic acid
Things we'd do
If only then we knew

What can be found
Is at a cost
Nothing given
Nothing gained

All that’s joy
Must come through pain
Sacrifice
Begin again

Gifts now hidden
Age not asked
Body's broken
Hard his task

I met a woman
She was 70 years old and walked into the hospital with a pained limp
And a smile on her face
That an artist might struggle his whole life to capture
Her face was crinkled with an old scar and an evil red infection
Her hands were wrung with arthitis and the leg that limped turned out to be broken
But she was beautiful
Because she was so kind, and so ready to see beauty in the world
While being subject to such ugly circumstances
The world could have hammered at her with the infinite might of misfortune
And all calamity capable might rain on her with it's fiersome storm
Uncaring, unstoppable
Powerful in its unknowing chaos
Pummeling one who at first appears vulnerable
But with unending calm and perfect equanimity
She might regard it as a summer storm
Passing over, transititory and ineffable
Receiving the blows with unflinching peace
She might comment on the infinitesimal positivety
Cowering in the corner unnoticed by all but her kind and joyous perception
lesser souls would be broken by the weight of pain and misery
Drowned in a sea of their own tears
But a powerful Joy hides deep in the heart of this mild and humble woman.
Her soul is Viking and unassailable and when death takes her
He will surely ferry her to Valhalla to sit with honor amongst all warriors who fought and died battling the uncaring brutality of a world wrapped in apathy and heartbreak.
She is mighty
In the surety of her vision of a good world
That exists because she wishes it to
And because she wills it to
And so the world becomes more beautiful
Because she is in it
And she is beautiful

It was visceral
My gut clenched like I was falling in a dream
Deep in the core of me
Where the parasympathetic neuron bundles coalesce
And tell you to be calm

They were yelling
The wave of their signalling swept across the whole of me
I tingled and itched from my scalp to my toes
All the tiny blood vessels expanded
Fueling the sensory nerves of my skin,
My pupils dilated
My mouth salivated
I wanted to reach out with every bit of me
I wanted to expand to consume and experience every part of the world
To touch everything
To feel everything
Taste and Smell and See everything
I wanted to invent new organs of sensation
To better understand it, to experience more, to feel all of it

I jumped up
Like a dog
And reveled in the pure ecstatic joy of the sensory intensity
Every smell, the ambient humidity, the warm breeze
The color, the warmth of the sun,
The sounds of all the biologic engines of the world
Each of which was individually responsible for an infinite joy
And together were even more

It was a feeling that lasted only moments
And faded in soft turns
Till I became acclimated and in time oblivious
And the grass was once again, just grass
And the flowers were just weeds
And the dogs, and the children and the people in the town
Were just local residents going about their secret lives
And not the heaving mass of cells and life,
Climaxing in the moment of their existence to become more

AAAHHH
Heat and fire
Cold desire
Strong it scalds
By irk and ire
Strained and maimed
My flesh it screams
Writhes and dies
And all is seen
Empty out and empty in
Vacant space that swells and swims
Ripped and torn
Burned and scorned
By loves most joyful ecstasy

What once was sacred
Now betrayed
And now unleashed
What once was stayed

Trapped and chained
Imprisoned once,
But, now released

And now the sounds of shattered dreams
Filter down through oily seams
And feeds the hatred that now streams
Made up of all the childish things
Whose collected promise rings
Hollow as the lier sings

Kept and hoarded are the sounds
Of all the helpless souls who drowned
Inside the broken depths
Below the crushing pressure of a thousand weighted dreams
Stacked on endless shifting beams
Too thick and cold and dark and old
For light to come or heat to hold


Endless darkened black abyss
Created by loves first spurned kiss
Built up by expected bliss
Disapointment you did this

A monster and it's lair
Nothing more than long despair
Hammer forged in bitter air
Black heart that will no longer hear
Acid distilled by pain and fear
A subject to one bitter tear
That grows and grows each passing year
An ocean that now drowns all cheer
For love cannot long live here

The stars are very far my dear
And my mind is further still.
Far away in distant times and moments
Words once mumbled hard to hear
And maybe I didn't hear so well
And maybe I can only imagine now
What was said then
How far it is from there to here
From then to now is as far
As the light of the dimmest stars to me.
Reflected and bent light of the long dead
And so I see it flicker
And so it was

She danced in the night
And asked nothing from the young men
Who gave everything but what was free
She swayed to the siren's song
And moved like water in the moonlight

I'm not ashamed that I crashed my ship
Upon her rocky shores
Searching for salvation

I'm ashamed that I blamed her for the rocks
And
I'm ashamed that I blamed her for my own choice to stay
Instead of looking forward.

We are always a joke to the generation before us.
As we act out the tired scenes that were before them.
We are a parody of them,
We are a cliche before we know it,
And every time we look back
We see our own parodys ******* up all over

Go up to the mountain
To the top,
If that is necessary for you
Stand, or sit, as the wind howls over you
And ask the guru of the mountain,
The questions that sit inside of you,
swirling with their merciless restless energy
Ask the questions about you
That you have always wondered.
Ask the questions about you
That you have always been terrified to ask
Ask about you
As everyone must do
And ask yourself about you
As everyone should do
Ask any question
Ask every question
Ask,
Seek
And know, that it doesn't matter,
There's a good chance you're an *******,
Just like the rest of us

I  walk cautiously into the future
Through the dark fog
Of what could be, but isn't
There is a veil to pierce
And there are many ways to advance the story
Sometimes I hesitate
Wondering why I can't pause for a moment to enjoy what I have earned
But even if I wait or stall
The world moves regardless of me
And everything keeps changing
So that I need to catch up if I wait too long
Sometimes I feel like it speeds up and
I need to run faster, more efficiently
To keep pace with an idea of where I should be relative to the rest of it.
And sometimes I feel like a planetary body
Caught in the gravity of what is happening around me
And I will go where the forces pull me. And that my own will is so integrated into greater things that it just seems negligeable in comparison
But for brief moments,
Like a diver coming up for air,
Or a mountain climber with a good ledge
I can pause, and catch my breath,
And for a brief and fleeting moment
I can see the world around me,
Where I am in it,
And what lies ahead
And with those few seconds
Maybe I can alter my trajectory.

For the love of god,
Look in the corner of the screen
Look in the small dark corner
Look where the camera doesn't care
See the place that's out of focus,

That's where the villain is
For the Love of god,
Look there

I fill the days
Full with movement
One lonely mountain to the next empty valley
The wind blows through it,
Whispering, where will you go next
I don't know

I walk on, and on
Always moving, always searching,

Zen monks talk of detachment
Of emptiness, for will or want
Towards the clearing of all desire
And in the great translucent sea
Of their complete freedom
They speak of the perfect simplicity
Of their mountain abode
And mundane chores for the maintenance of earthly vessels
Mentioning, only in passing,
How serene the world is in their high cold house
And how nice the whole world looks
Framed in their peasant doorway

I envy the envyless
Nowadays who can afford a whole  mountain to themselves.

My mind feels empty, empty of purpose, meaning,
Empty of the will to act on the world,
What is the world,
A stage of actors that moves timewise towards oblivion
A sphere of energy or motion,
Moving where?
And where am I moving in it
Where do I need to be
Do I need to be anywhere
Is there a meaningful difference between here
Or there, or there,
Between being at a friends house,
Or in jail,
Between being in Colorado or Kazahkstan
I mean it sort of matters,
Like how an ant prefers to be in the anthill
Instead of the ocean
But then is it just preference,
Or is purpose, and place, merely a function of existence
Is it necessary that I be a human, and act like a human
Because I'm a human?
Is my destiny tied to that?
So is my destiny just to be me, because I'm me,
and then someone else will be themselves, and that's just it
Society is just a bunch of selves, attempting to be themselves
and creating a standard of self, based on themselves,
Perpetuating a form of being that seems convenient,
And also somewhat meaningless
So if being me, is only important for maintaining the illusion
Of the meaningfulness of me.
Then is there meaning in being someone else,
Or in being something else?
Or being somewhere else?
Or is that just a shade of the same thing
Is there even meaning to the word meaning in the personal sense
Or is meaning so tied to essential function,
That to be meaningful, or live meaningfully
Is just to be as you as you can be?
And that's enough?
Or is it to become yourself, and then to choose what means you?
To decide what you mean, as a function, as a person
To yourself
To others?
I don't know,
I'm just asking for a friend.

There is a hot dark coal inside me
It was once a great tree
It grew so fast and so tall,
and I was so proud of it
and I wanted so much to show it to you
it was in the garden of my soul
wild and tangled and complicated
and I wanted so much to show you
but I did not want to take you down the ***** path
I did not want to take you past all the other growing things
not until you wanted to
not until I knew that you wanted to see the garden of things inside
and know me as a whole thing
I did not want to make it complicated for you
or for me

I was embarrassed at the unchecked size of it,
its roots went to the core of the world that I knew
seeking the fountain of life and youth
and it's branches grabbed at the universe itself
greedy with desire
proclaiming it's power
the tree was love itself
or my naïve selfish expression of it
and it was proud and gaudy and foolish


and when you wandered off,
I was so disappointed,
and I was so ashamed then
that here was this tree that you would never see
that I had grown for you.
But mostly for me

and I tried so hard to let it exist,
to let it be as it was.
because the thought of cutting it down seemed petty
and I loved the tree that was my love for you
because I did not stop loving you after you left

but time still beat, and the tree grew old and ridiculous
and it eventually died, because it could not live
because though I did not cut it down,
I also did not tend it,
I tried very hard not to see it
but I always found myself walking by it
and I always saw it, and knew it
I looked at it and the broken promise of it
and I let it die and I hoped it would die fast


but it died slowly
it died so ****** slowly
it died in pieces, branches at a time
leaves and bark and flowers
and I burned them as fast as they fell,
and now there is just the coal of it left,
smoldering
hot, and fiery still
and I want to put water on it.

But I know I never will

I mean it can't think
But, if it could
If an emotion could speak
Love would sound stupid
It would say silly nonsensical things like
I'll love you till the end of time
Or
I hope this moment lasts forever
It never says anything remotely realistic or true like
Right now I am high on dopamine and I think I want to give you my genes.
Or
I like you, and contingent on several unknown but definitely real factors I think I want to spend a long time with you.
Doesn't sound very romantic, but then, love is dumb
And doesn't care about the truth
If it did
Love might not be so fragile.

I see the hands
As jaws, grasping in the ancient water
Clasping at the skins of other creatures
With desperation and gnawing hunger
I see the claws that are your nails,
Even trimmed they still scratch,

I see your hands
I see the teeth in them
That seek and bite, and swallow
What they catch

I see you,
I know you as the animal that you are
Your smile is full of teeth,
And not all of them crush plants

I find this an awkward thing to say
And I don't quite know why I'm saying it,
Though I suspect a reason

I loved you, you know

I loved you
Very intensely
More than was healthy given the situation
And my personal experience and emotional maturity
I tried really hard not to make you suffer for my love for you
Which is an odd thing to say unless you know how dumb young men can be.
I was very dumb, but,
I think I was successful, maybe?
I don't love you that way anymore
Which is a good thing for both of us.
But I do love you in a small way

I don't want anything from you
You are fine as you are
I don't need to be in your life
Your life is your own
And so is mine

But some silly romantic piece of me
Wants you to know
That I loved you very deeply
And when I think of you
I still smile

I wish you well
It was nice to see you
Last week

There is a future
Where it might have worked
A future where you did end up falling for me
As I did for you
Would it still have lasted
What would it have become I wonder?
Asking that is fruitless
It didn't
Not in this universe
I'll go to sleep tonight wondering anyways
And wondering how and where you are
In this area of this universe

I hope you're well.

Goodnight.

We do not chose
The ones we fall in love with
We do not chose the moment
We do not choose the reason

It happens
And then we are left with the storm of it
We are left with a fire
That burns despite rain, or air
It burns regardless of our will
It burns in us, and of us and through us
And we do what we can with it
We do what we think we must
We always do what we think we must
And the consequences of our decision
Does not change the flames
Not at first
Not noticeably
But it does,  and it does,
And it does it again and again
A thousand tiny shifts repeated
And time will do what it must
And time must change things
Even the fire that burns this hot
For all things change
That is time
And love is a thing
That does what it must
Which is to set fire

There is salt on the earth
dust and sand in the hot wind
that carries the world away
when the roots have burnt down

I am a shallow husk
I am the desolation
the fog of corruption
that masks what I once was.

all is nothing,
all is lost,
this is a dark land
where no life lives
and joy cannot survive

I saw him again,
Melancholy and polite
Like a brand new funeral director
Attending his own
He used to be so **** funny
Now he's quiet and mopey
I hope he gets the **** over it
It wasn't supposed to be a big deal
Like planting a tree for arbor day
It's a thing that you do
You plant it,
And say,
What a nice thing we made today
And you let it be
And walk away
You don't stand there and watch it grow
And complain because it's slow

Laugh you ******* clown
Laugh and don't think of me
Just say something nice
And go live your life

Life is a battle,
You are fighting for your life
Every day
In subtle ways
I don't know why
But I do know
When you stop fighting the battle
It will **** you
If you let up
If you give ground
It will eventually grind you back to dirt
And life wouldn't be here
If not for a vicious tenacity
And a will to win
A will to keep fighting every day
Every animal in the wild
Goes up against ridiculous odds
Just to eat
Just to breed
To live even the simplest life
I still don't know why
But I do know that if you don't fight
You die

Minutes are counted in sneezes and coughs
Hours in trips to the bathroom and mealtimes
Weeks are the time between sunday brunch and sunday brunch
I could ask the sun what he thinks of time,
But he just sits there smirking
Spinning in aimless circles while the clouds dance around him
Someone says something
Someone laughs
Someone else farts
The same person laughs again
Has a few minutes passed or an hour?
How's the weather someone asks
70 degrees inside and dry,
The flurescent light flickers like a dead moon
Sometimes i go outside and watch the planes take off and land
Their large grey girth heaving in and out of the sky,
Like rhinos who know where they're going.
Can I do this for an additional 6 months?

We sacrifice little bits of our flesh
In order to tattoo life on ourselves

Every cut or scrape procured
In the pursuit of our joys
In the doing of worthwhile endeavors
In the fight against apathy
Leaves marks that remind us
That the sacrifice of ourself
Is often necessary
For great things

No one gets out of life in one piece
The wholeness of your physical form
Does not matter at the end

And in the end even our scars
Our injuries
The sum of our aquired disabilities
Will be destroyed
And cleansed from the world

But the things that we do
The things we give ourselves to
And things that we create will persist
In ripples and waves that travel across
The days of others they affect
Beyond our life.

Your scars are the tattoos that life gives you
Proof that you were not idle
But particaped in the game
And that you played hard.

A few words from you
are like spring water
glistening in the dry desert sun
promise of relief
memories of cool foggy mountains
and rivers that flow forever

Like a seed buried in the dark earth
cracking its hard shell
seeking to grow
and become something great

My soul hasn't forgotten
My love hasn't died

I know it's not something you want
or are looking for from me
I won't burden you with it

But a few words from you
brings the sun into my day

If we tell each other a lie
And we both know its meaning
It's like we are a telling the truth in a strange way
It's ok to lie to me on some things,
Tell me you don't want to be together
Because our lives are going in separate directions
It's ok
I know why you are leaving,
I'll accept it eventually
But the lie helps ease me into it

Another lie is one I tell to myself
"It's better this way"
It's better to soften the sharp edges of reality
With some soft half truth
But the truth is
The truth will set you free
And you can't come to terms with reality
If you don't know what it is
Tell me a lie,
Tell me the truth
It will eventually become the same door.
I have to walk through it either way,

Here I am in this photograph
Let me exist
For a moment in front of you
Captured
Here I am in this exact moment

Dissolve the pretense of the present
Roll back the subtle layers
That we wrap around ourselves
To protect our fragile selves from the judgment of existence

You watching now do not know
What lengths we went to
What spells we wrought
To justify in our minds
The choices that lead us
To places that didn't yet exist.

Step into my soft worn shoes
Imagine them stiff and new
See me, not aged not tired
See me absurd and unsure
See me
And know time is cruel
And mankind foolish

Forgive me.
For someday
Someone will see your picture
Be kind

You owe me nothing
I can take nothing from you that should be mine
You are utterly and completely your own
But like the sun
The ray's of your light
Give light to my life
I have gratitude
But no entitlement
I feel Joy when you shine
But I am not a plant who needs you to survive
I will live regardless
But oh how beautiful the world is when you shine on it

To walk along the dark path
So polite in it's garden ordinariness
Is different in the late night
At the hour of the witch
The house windows are black
And the porch lights are off
The sticky pitch eyes of the cold houses watch
And behind the shadow of the empty buildings
Is a sick orange glow of the far away city
The trees that shade and the weeds that seek
Grasp at the edges of the sidewalk and in their shadows could be anything.

light traces the dim back wall
slowly
left to right

my sink drips
and taps

children play in the small courtyard outside my window

for a while im cold
and lay under the blanket,
later im hot
and lay in my underwear

as the light from the window on the back wall dims
i turn a light on
and lay down again,

i don't even have the energy to stare at my phone
the day passes and i have hope
that tomorrow ill get up

To be a people pleaser
Is to be a liar
First to yourself
First you say
Their happiness is my happiness
Then you say
I'm fine, I'm fine with this
And this and this and this
And when they say this
And they look at you
With the eyes of a lover
With deep need and kindness
With the vulnerability you wish was yours
You say that, and this, and that
So they won't be sad, so that they'll smile,
You want so much for them to smile
Because you love them...
Or you want to love them?
Or, you wished you loved them?
Or, you don't want to hurt them
Because
You're a people pleaser
And you imagine
You pretend, you tell yourself
This, this is my person
You want it so much to be true
Until a moment comes
And you look around
And realize
I'm not fine
And you pull
And you pull, till you pull
The rug out from underneath them
And the shelter you built
And the futures you conjured
And the safety you promised
Evaporates and falls apart
Like a flimsy children's umbrella
And the rain like hateful knives comes down
And you get to watch
As the betrayal falls
And you realize you could never be
What they needed
You promised so much
But it was a lie
First to yourself
But oh how they suffered for it

Death is casual
It happens everyday
It happens when you turn your back for a second,
When you aren't even looking

Especially when you aren't looking,
when you're so wrapped up in something
that the rest of the world doesn't matter
when your world is perched on the teetering edge
of a finite solution
smashing yourself against the blunt rock of the world
trying to change something

And sometimes it comes when nothing is going on
when you're sitting on the toilet,
Watching cat videos

And suddenly your reliable heart stops sending the blood where it needs to go

Sometimes death takes you in the morning
waiting at the traffic light
for the little walking man to come on,
And the car that shouldn't be on top of you
suddenly is
and so is death

Death is in the broken flesh of the meat suit
that was you
Death is in the tears, and the choked words
of the people who knew you
Death is also in the shrug of your aquaintances
who hear of you in passing
And wish they felt sad about it

Death is in everything you do
Death is in the seconds
ticking cheerfully along
They aren't sad seconds
It's just time
And death is just death

It happens to everything
To everyone
The greenland shark swims for 400 years
before he meets death
The Galapagos Tortoise can live for up to 170 years
before he stops crawling through the world
The female mayflie lives 5 minutes
Once the larval stage is finished
And the new eggs are laid
And death is put at bay
For the season, and 5 days

Death comes
That's life
Live it
Until then

I want to wrap you in my love
But first I must make it

With the first look in your eyes
As soft pools reflecting the eternal light of an old sun.
You are kind
And I will take your kindness
As a needle and thread
To weave together the pieces of you and I
As stars in the sky
And the dark velvet of joy
That is between us

I will weave it into a warm blanket
That is my affection
To wrap around you

I want to love you intensely
Completely,
Unreservedly and deservedly
I want to love you, because I know you
And not for what I imagine or wish

I want to love you with an intensity that lasts the decades and generations in which we will age and decay
Beyond the thin veil of infatuation
Beyond attraction, beyond convenience
And the mediocrity of compromise and loneliness and fear

I want to love you bravely, fearlessly and wisely

I want to adapt myself to it
Change and alter the pieces of me that are inadequate and
Grow into someone
Who is perfect at loving you

I hope that I am worthy to love you

And I hope that you are worthy of this love

To the unloved children of the dark streets
I don't hate you
I can't judge you
I walk past your crumpled form
Sandwiched in the crevice with an old sleeping bag
I have only empathy
I can't fix you
I don't even know what needs fixing
Maybe you just need money
Maybe it's deeper

I lack the resources to fix the world
So that you and others aren't sleeping on the street
I'll give you food if I have it
Sunblock in the summer to protect your vulnerable skin
A coat in the winter
I can help protect your physical body
From the assaults of nature

I wish I could soothe your soul
I know in my heart that we aren't that different
But, I try very hard to never be you