In the silence of the night
In the soft stillness
In the dark eyes of you

I dreamed

I dreamed that love was real
That my love was real
And not a selfish expression of profound need

I dreamed that I gave,
Was able to give you
Everything you wanted, or needed
That I was your needs answered
As it has felt like you are mine

I know that's absurd
I like you
Like I haven't liked someone for a very long time
I know that there are so many limitations to it,
To me
I know I can't give you everything

But God how I wish I could

And in knowing that wish
I can't help but feel
That giving you what I have
Right now to give
For how long it is reasonable to give
With kindness,
And understanding
In the limitations of the self
And patience for the absurdity of the world
Is the best I can do
The only thing I can do
It's as close as I can get
And it's so much less
Than you deserve

How sweet the small perfume scent sits
And wafts across the bar
I see your gentle smile and the makeup that you use infrequently
How you must smile
When you put it on
I hope you have a wonderful evening

Back in the dark
In the past before the printed word
Before ink and feathered pens
Even before the cuneiform on tablets of soft clay
In the dark when monsters hunted us When cold would **** so many
When food was life itself
And starvation was part of life

I heard the howling of the wolves who became dogs

I heard the deep singing, and drums beating through the air under a deep blue sky covered in bright stars so thick it looked like milk being poured by some great giant

I felt the beat as a heart that sang of the need to come together
And in the song of the wolves that became dogs I heard the words that journeyed into the night

Come family, come together, come family
We are more together,
We survive together
We grow great together

Come family come to me
The night is dark
But it is not cold if you are here
It is not lonely

I do not howl into the night
But instead I sing
Come family, come together
We are strong together
Together we are more

I liked you
I sometimes still check your Instagram
I almost liked a post

I liked you
I'm lonely
Sitting in this place
With this phone

I don't want to date you again
It was right that we parted ways
I like that we did so with so much respect and kindness.

I don't want to date you
But sometimes I look at your Instagram when I'm lonely
And wish everything was not as it was
So that we could be what we aren't

Forgive me when I think of lovers past


My heart is big, like a great house,
Like everyone's heart
The best rooms are yours,
The largest rooms are for you
The brightest, with the most sunlight are the ones where you are
Your voice echoes through them like music and the morning call of songbirds
But like a great house, long in its leaning
There are rooms not often used,
Rooms of memory
With dust and cobwebs, and shadow
That's where she lives,
If I go there and lift a sheet to reminisce over an old picture
Don't imagine I would invite her back to live
Someday those rooms too will be yours,
I am still rebuilding
It takes time to remodel a heart

Out in the cold sun,
In the wet forest morning
I see the teeth of the world

And the hot blood cooling
On the unkind smiles
Of the creatures that struggle

And the eyes of the dead
That wish they had jumped higher

I see the proud creatures,
Sons of survivors
Without guarantees
They fly, until they stumble

And no one knows what lies in the water

Sometimes I am the teeth
And sometimes I am the tongue
Sometimes I am the earth
And sometimes I am the sun

At times I sit in the dark of the world
And stare at the multitude, burning fires
Wondering after the flame
Other times I become the kindling
And in turns embers and the Ash

One day I saw a bird
And wished I was its wings
Beating the air for purpose

Sometimes I am the water
And sometimes I am the fish in the water
Other times still, I am the emptiness of space
Am I a fish there too?

I knew a man who was not me
Not the whole specifically
Or not the me that you would see
Who youd call you
If you were sitting next to me

This man I knew
Was an I of mine
I had my mouth
My eyes, my hair
I had my legs and arms
And the body that I liked
But the I, I knew
As I said was not me
This I thought that he was better than the I I am
This I, didn't have the extra 12kg that existed when I wasn't posing in the mirror
This I, I knew only said witty clever things
Never mean, or petty
Nor plain mundane
The I, I knew was faster than, the I I am and stronger to
This I was always perfectly kind and considerate to all of my friends almost all of the time
The I, I knew was wise and kind and smart and worked harder than everyone else at work
And was interesting and handsome
Oh I wish I was the I I sometimes think I am
But there are many I's inside of me
And many eyes are watching me
And I'm only him sporadically
I am only always ever me
But still sometimes
I take myself too seriously

I saw you
Older than you were before
I like your new lines
They speak of strength continued
I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees
Please, continue being strong.

I took a multitude of universes from you
An infinite series of possible other yous
Each completing a life different from this one.
I can't give them back
You only ever do just get the one

But I look in the eyes of the old wives
And hidden in their words
Is the mourning for all the lives they couldn't live

And so I know what it means when you chose me.
Every day
I will not waste your life
I want to say
That each day
I will make the multiverse of you jealous that they don't live this exact life
But I know how life is,
So I can't promise a perfect life
I can only promise
That each day I will try

Love is brave
Take your armor
That you have wrought
In the depth of your suffering
From the sources of your personal injuries
And cast it aside
Bare your breast
Before the one whose joy you wish ascendant
Watch her in her own fear
Holding the knife itself come forward
And trust
She will hold you with courage to

Am I using up my love
Am I burning through the stock of that ineffable magic
Each time, it happens
I feel like I have less
Like I have lost piece by little piece
The moon and the stars in your eyes
Each time I throw myself into the dark pools of your desires
I come up emptier
As though deep at the bottom
Amongst the smooth stones
Lie pieces of a heart too burdened to rise
Each time I come up
a little more out of breath
Does it come back?
Can I restore that silent joy
Or have I spent it beyond recovery?

I was lying, when I walked up to you
Through the wet spring fowers
In the cold morning while you sat with your sheep
I didn't know I was lying,
I wanted it to be, I wanted my love to be
But I was lying when I walked up to you
And brought my arm over your arm
And your hand in my hand
And our warm bodies enclosed
And I kissed you so softly
Because I wanted to be gentle
But I was lying when I came up to you
I didn't realize
I thought I was trying to make you happy
But I was trying to make myself happy and I was careless with your heart
I'm so sorry,
I know it doesn't matter now
But I am.

Sitting in my warm tub
While the shower water falls across me
Reveling in my habitat
I think of my ancestors
All the way back to a little mammal
Who found a hotspring in the cold winter
And I twirl my foot in the stream

I feel like a dog
Every time I meet someone
Joyous and wonderful
They are
Every thing they do
And say
Is a delight
And makes the universe
So deep and long and old
In its leaning
Feel familiar
As a friend
That the universe could make something
So perfect as you
And when you leave
I am alone
With the old, long, deep universe
And i am a creature again
Alone in the dark
And I wait for you to come back
Like a hound waits for the sun
Like a hound waits for it's master