I'm looking at everything and at everyone
but not at anything or anyone
in particular.
My eyes fleet over the distance
but not drinking in any detail.
I'm in a daze;
Hunched over in my oversized jacket,
hands hidden in pockets.
Sad sad.
This place is too noisy;
I'm getting warm with agitation.
My eyesight is blurry.
I just want this to stop.
But it goes on and on.
They're looking at me oddly.
Shrugging at each other
when I don't respond.
I tried to smile but fail.
Came out as a grimace again.
I did it again.
Always the odd one out.
"She's in that mood again"
I don't know. I don't know.
b r e a t h e
You'll get back on track again.
Hopefully. Eventually.

-m.b

It's getting quiter and it gets a little lonely sometimes.
But I keep drawing on the walls.
Hoping someone will stumble upon me;
The way you did.
And maybe I'll break free from the castle I created for myself.
But for now I like my brick walls.
It keeps me safe.

-m.b

I used to want someone to hold hands with,
Someone to be with,
Someone to hold
when it's cold,
Someone I can tell my darkest secrets to
And I could keep their secrets too.

But now I've grown afraid.
Is it really as amazing as what they said?
What about the pouring tears, the heartbreaks?
The time it takes
to move on when it doesn't work out?
The arguments and stinging insults you shout?

Perhaps it's better
for me to save myself. Here's a letter
that I would read many times
before I'd even think of committing crimes;
of falling for someone.
I'd rather be with no one.

-m.b

I realised that my two closest friends are a lot like my past and present self.

Lana reminds me of when I was young. Smiling, kind, naive, a little confused and slowly learning the gift of growing up. Loud to new people.

Ray reminds me of who I am today. Wise, went through a lot, loves Indie music and reading poetry. Quiet to new people.

I see myself in both of them. However, I am still missing one person to be around with.

My future self.

I have yet to discover a friend that I can see my future self in.

I am not in a rush anyway.

-m.b

Sometimes there are days like today.
Where I was okay at first.
So I turn on music.

You know, the ones I used to listen to
when he was a constant in my life.

Where instead of enjoying the songs,
my mind grows blank.
I sit back and let the music fill me
with emotions and memories.

Of when I first listened to it,
the times we would listen to it together,
the times I listened to it alone, without him.

All the emotions I've buried in between
the lyrics and rhythms of the songs.

The laughter in his presence
and the pain in his absence.

I can't not listen to them
even if his ghost lingers still
in these lovely songs.

-m.b

Your ethereal exterior
and eloquence pulled
me in, like melted sugar
until I was fully coated.

You gave me the attention
I was yearning for. You heard
my silent cries of frustration;
You know how it feels like to be hurt.

You healed me,
or so I thought.
You conditioned me
so I could be your guard.

Like a dog to its master,
I stayed by you faithfully;
Despite you being the trigger
of my anxiety.

Cause you're a beautiful chaos.
I was the loyal peacemaker.
You wreak havoc and I, your Apostolos,
will make everything better.

-m.b

Baby boy, there's no need to feel insecure
cause in my eyes, you put the moon in the sky.
I wonder how you'll feel if you knew
or maybe deep down, you do?

-m.b

You left. I know.
My friends tried to soften the blow
but I turned a blind eye,
hoping I could save my
heart from being torn to shreds.
There are no regrets.
Or so I keep telling myself.

I don't want to know
why or how or
when you left,
knowing it'll cut deep
and I'm just not ready for that.

Remember when I wasn't even
interested in you at first but then
I fell and you caught me mid-air
and I've loved you since?
I loved you before and I always will.
Even if I'm hurting, still.
You'll never leave the messy crevices of my mind.
For you are so beautiful, loving and kind.
We're not likely to meet again
but I really hope you'd catch me one last time.

-m.b

Where I am now, I never thought I'd be. I know I can't go back to when I was younger, and tell her what will come; what I will become. So I write this letter for all the girls out there, young and old; who haven't heard of this yet.

You are beautiful. Never listen to poison mouths telling you otherwise. Be it you're short, too tall, flat-chested, nose too big, too heavy, with skin that isn't the right shade. Never for a second think you're ugly. You are created this way for a reason, blessed by deities.

You are strong. You have fought every single barrier and you're still breathing. Getting through just one day when you thought you couldn't make it? You did it. I'm proud of you. Your bones are held together by stealth that has been built by generations of warriors. Don't ever let anyone push you around. Get up and fight back. Fight for your rights.

You are loved. Even if you come from a broken family, you're still loved even if you receive it from different people and places. Your friends, your pets, even kind strangers. You may be thirsty for love from people you can't have but always, always fuel yourself with self love. It's so crucial to always secure yourself with a seatbelt of confidence. Keep your head up and remind yourself of your worth. All the time, like a queen that you are.

You are intelligent. You're smarter than you think, be it they're street smart, logically, academically. Read your books, watch documentaries, listen to lectures. You can be smart in science or history or fashion or baking or sports. No knowledge is worthless. Don't be embarrassed to ask questions, share your knowledge, outsmart your enemies.

You are kind. Smile at strangers, keep an eye out for people in danger, always lend a hand and/or ear, hype up your friends and even to unknown people. If someone hurts you, don't stoop down to their level. Let them be but if you aren't satisfied, give them some advice and hope they'll turn over a new leaf. You will not drag the person who brings you down. Fight fire with fire? It'll become a bigger fire. Shield yourself with calamity while they burn on. When they're done, offer help. Be the better person.

You are your own hero. There will be times when you're suffering and alone. That's okay. This is where you can discover your own powers and see how strong and amazing you are. Don't underestimate yourself. You're capable of so many things and you can save others as well as yourself. The world needs you. You're indestructible.

-m.b

That person where you think of when people mention "The One". That person where your heart skips a beat when you see or hear their name. That person where you smile when they start a conversation. That person where you want to wrap your arms around them. That person where you post something online, wishing they would see it. That person where you write every **** thing about. That person where you want to impress so badly. That person where you lie awake, conjuring up different scenarios in your head. That person where you stay up, writing a story or song about. That person you want to share your life with. That person who is the sole inspiration of everything you do. That person. I want them so badly.

-m.b

You don't know
the amount of time
I use to stare at my reflection
in the mirror.
Pinching my lump of fat,
pulling my face in a grimace.
I don't want a round face,
plump fingers, fat neck,
big waist, thick back
and a pair of massive thighs.

You don't know
the effort I put in
to keep myself from growing,
to maintain my body weight,
to fix the food on my plate
as if I ate, though I'm lying.
Nor do you know the trips
I take to the bathroom
to retch out what I consumed.
Please, I'm fat enough.

You don't know
the sudden panic attacks
I get when I'm outside.
Sweaty hands, shortness of breath,
dry mouth, numb feet.
Overwhelming worry, self-consciousness
about everyday social situations.
God, it is not cute.
Such unrealistic worry
But you can't even see it.

You don't know
the raging feeling of pessimism
that churns inside me.
Consumed by guilt, worthlessness.
The sad, empty feeling
as I'm soaked by the hurricane
of self-loathing.
It's hard to concentrate
and I'm always so tired.
I can't do anything right.

You don't know
the number of times
I've fiddled with my knife,
dagger, scissors.
They're my friends,
accompanying me in my times
of dragging loneliness.
The sharp intake of breath
as it dances across my wrists.
Let it create numerous lines,
zig-zagging across my skin.
I like the stinging pain;
It's better than what goes through my mind.

-m.b

I woke up angry.
You were in my dreams again.
I can't remember what it was about but I know your presence anywhere.

I felt sad.
Why did I let myself get dragged with just a flip of your head?

I feel motivated.
You are not allowed to allowed to toy with me again.
No, you don't deserve that.
You don't deserve me.

The sun rises.
I will conquer the world again.
And boy, I'll be a better version of me.
And you can't steal that from me.

-m.b

They say that the people in your life
crosses your path for a reason.
That everything is an epitaph;
carved forever, shapes you into a person.
I suppose it's true. My journey is a drive;
passing by houses filled with antidotes and poison.

Cause honey when I think of you,
I think of cuts and bruises;
I think of gaping wounds, skin turning blue.
These are the things my mind chooses
to remember, even if it's not entirely true.
I try to change my mind but it refuses.

When I think of you, I try to remember
the good moments we had. Like laughing,
embracing, midnight talks together.
Tell me why do I only remember lashing,
hurting, being worried that I'm an offender?
You'll always be the villain in my story telling.

I suppose everyone has an expiry date.
After some time your insides began to rot.
My craving for you turned to bitter hate.
I threw you away because loving you, I could not.
See, all these thoughts of you, made me afraid.
And you were my life's biggest lesson ever taught.

-m.b

Maybe if I don't talk about love, I
wouldn't want it anymore.
But it is as though it is my
name. I couldn't look at it with abhor.

For love is a part of me
and as much as I try to scrub
it off me, I couldn't bleed
myself dry. I can't make this up.

-m.b

I was at the train station and heard someone sneezed.
It sounded like you so
I whipped my head in that direction,
craning my neck
to look for a familiar outline.
This city is big but
I was hoping that
the world would be small enough
so I can see you again.
It's been way too long.
I miss you.

-m.b

For once, I want to put
myself first.
For as long as
I can remember,
I keep pushing myself down
just so other people can float.

For once, I want to make
myself proud.
Proud of who I've become,
what I've endured,
for how long I've battled.
I am a warrior.

For once, I want to love
myself truly and deeply.
Standing straight,
unabashedly,
unforgivingly,
being me.

For once, I want to
prioritize myself.
My health, before
my responsibilities.
I want to heal before
I go out again for war.

For once, I will not
clamp my mouth shut
when people tell me
to keep quiet.
I am made
to be loud.

-m.b

Like a pendulum, it swings.
Then up and down on a graph.
Happiness blooming;
Light me up and stuff.

Then there's the pain
banging between my ribs.
I'm a balloon tied in chains;
Shoved down like sips.

And I'm tired. Honey, I'm tired.
Of feeling the greatest
then having it snatched
from my outstretched hands.

What about you?
Escalation, de-escalation.
Do you feel it too?
Close my eyes, my stomach churns.

I gasp at kindness.  
Then get angry at malice.
I don't deserve any of these.
Baby, baby. Why do I exist?

-m.b

She loves me, she loves me not,..
I picked the petals off the flowers.
I was bathing in the sunlight,
Wearing the yellow dress you love so much.

She loves me, she loves me not,..
I said with each petal plucked.
Pretty, like the love you brought.
And the happiness that came with it.

She loves me, she loves me,..*
I stopped. I wanted it to stop.
Back when we loved each other a lot.
Tearing up, I threw away the bouquet.

-m.b

I had this pretty vision of you, of us.
So meticulously designed,
I wanted it to come true. So trust
me when I say I was broken
when it didn't turn out the way
I wanted it to be.
I wanted it so badly, I would pray
for you and me.
Many times I felt so hopeless
because you aren't what I planned.
I placed you in boxes
when you should have been freed.
I'm so sorry but at least now I can see
The only toxic person here was me.

-m.b

I've come to terms that I am now making a home out of myself. I feel like all my life I made homes out of people and I was never truly happy. I was wondering why but now it makes sense that I was just renting. I was just temporary. In other words, I was expected to either leave on my own or get kicked out. I think I've experienced both. But that's history. I'll focus on my own now. Building a new house within me. It'll take awhile, getting the vision house I had in mind to come to life. Decorating with all my favorite collection of artifacts, colors, prints. It's a lengthy process; packing, unpacking, moving my things but I know it'll be worth it in the end. This is the dream home I've always had in mind but never thought I'd hold the first brick in my hand.

-m.b

Do you also have that one person in your life? That no matter how many months have passed, they still get the insides of your stomach flipping?

That you went through a long period of time thinking you're fine but when you talk to them just one more time, and all the feelings you had for them--the ones you swore you got over--came rushing back like waves? That when you ease back into a conversation with them and it's just like old times; you both got stupid smiles plastered on your faces as you enjoy each other's company?

And when they open their mouth to say I love you, you can't help but feel all fluttery inside. Wishing, hoping, that maybe this time they'll say it romantically instead of platonically.

But then a third person comes into view and it's their partner. And your smile freezes.

Cause oh no.

He was never mine to begin with. And he never will be.

And all those feelings go down the drain. Just like how you two parted before. That he could not love you the way you want him to.

And all this love you carry, well, you just keep carrying it. Hoping someone else will share it with you.

Just not today.

-m.b

A shrill bell rung, splitting my attention.
I walked quickly, in hopes of seeing you.
You stood there, my mirth popped by tension.
Sneaking behind her but she said "I know it's you"
She turned and you gently kiss her pink lips.
I turn away, my chest heaving painfully.
I should've known, you loved her all along. I'd dismiss
it again and again. I want otherwise, truthfully.
With blurry vision, I ran blindly; following the pain
in my heart that travels all through my veins and body.
I'm a fool for you, falling hard and quick like the rain.
She's always been your lover and I, your buddy.
I wonder why our paths crossed. You're a trophy
I thought I deserve but I'm just a runner-up.
You keep me up at night, better than shots of coffee.
I want to move on but you have me in tight knots.

-m.b

Perhaps I like Greek mythology too much that I create my own curse like in their poetry. How Calypso was cursed to fall for heroes who stumble upon her island, but they'll leave after. And here I am, cursed to be in a circle of unrequited love. Loving people I couldn't have, and being loved by people I couldn't love back.

-m.b

Hours ticked by as I sat upon my bed, reading what's written on my screen and I grew more irritated by the minute. Odd, there were no specific triggers but anything these people said made me angry. Silent yet violent waves crashed against my ribs. Red, angry waves. Teeth clenched, shoulders tensed, perched at the end of my bed.
But a message from you popped up and so I clicked on it. You replied my message that --in the midst of my random anger-- I've forgotten I sent earlier. A simple, one-sentenced message saying "I love you most" with a series of hearts changed the emotions I've felt.
The red that I saw turned to a soothing blue. The violent waves in my chest went from roaring to calming, still waters. My perked up tongue laid down into a comfortable slumber. My once-tensed shoulders drooped in a relaxed manner.
Just like that, the unfathomable anger that got me riled up for no reason, was tamed and forgotten; thanks to your presence. What is this magic you yield?

-m.b

You're hot, then you're cold.
"She's like that," or so I've been told.

I like you better
when you're sober.

One day it'll make sense
But for now I'm a mess.

-m.b

I think it's foolish
to believe the possibility
that you are blind about how I feel.
Cause I wear my emotions like an armour.

-m.b

He counted the stars
to prove his love for her but
she's looking away

I can see but I feel
like I'm being blindfolded.
I see light and everything but
I can't make sense of what I see.
Why is everything a blur
even when I have my glasses on?
I get scared. So scared
That people are watching
my every move.
They're probably laughing at me.
Make it stop.
No one cares.
I feel like I'm a disgrace
And I'm an awful person.

-m.b

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

If I were to write every thing about you, I would. If I were to write about you every day, I would. You're like a missile; eye-catching, loud, leaves a print behind. It's hard not to record your every move. You're like the Earth; although people have dissected and has proven what's inside of you, they haven't really scavenged inside. Who knows what else is hiding in between your many layers? Stripping apart like getting home after spending a day in the open snow, tearing off each piece of clothing.

-m.b

Your insides
are prettier than the Paris city lights.

I've found you but
you're not mine to keep.

I guess that's alright.
Cause all picked flowers have died.

I want to see you bloom
and I'd gladly give you room.

Maybe I'm not meant to stay,
maybe one day I'll be away.

But for now, I'll do my best
to build you up. Then we'll rest.

-m.b

How do people bloom from being friends to lovers? How do they start off as strangers, get to know each other and then work their way into each other's hearts? I couldn't picture myself doing so. Being friends is all I can do. Nothing more than that. I feel like continuing further is like stepping into an unknown territory. Kind of like in video games. You know when you're not a gamer but you try to play a game for the first time? Getting to know your character, read the storyline but not knowing what happens next? Getting excited at exploring the new place and gaining points but after some time, you start to wander aimlessly. Not knowing what to do next. How do I break from this? What do people do to go to the next level? After the constant feeling of not knowing, you sort of give up and never pick up the controller anymore. That's what it feels like. To me, love, or rather, romantic relationship, is like trying to play a game you never played before.

-m.b

Meetingyouinmydreams,IfeltsosohappyandyouweretoobutIwonderifwe'ds­taythesameinreallife.Icouln'trememberthelasttimeIfeltsohappyinmys­lumber,reachingmetillIwakeupthatyouwerethereasonwhyIfeltlikeIwasg­oingtocombust

-m.b

So many moving mouths
telling me to be careful
whenever I'd step out of the house.
They knew I was young, a fool.

"Don't give yourself to
just anyone, you hear me?
They'll play with you like a tool."
Not gonna lie, it sounded scary.

But I thought you were okay.
The laid back body, the easy
smile, like a sun's ray.
Funny jokes, though a little cheesy.

Your words coming out like waterfall,
tumbling into my easy ears.
Stifled giggles in the silent hall.
I was at the peak of my teenage years.

You pulled me gently and I,
an eager, curious subject,
succumbed to the twinkle in your eye.
You filled my empty longing ache.

I wanted it to be like
how I dreamed it to be.
This is how you do it, right?
Then why am I not happy?

You seemed contented
and I played along.
"You wanna go again?" I hinted.
Maybe I did it wrong.

But they say when it's right,
you would feel it.
There's no doubt.
My cheeks warm, humiliation bit.

This is what they warned me about.
I gave a piece of me to him
but he left it on the ground;
Just like the clothes when the lights dimmed.

When I woke up, I was alone.
My vision was blurry
as I can't call him on the phone.
Could someone please bury me?

-m.b

She writes you letters,
poems, prose, thoughts of you.
Silent chatters
from her mind. She goes by Blue,
the same as one of her favourite female characters.

She's mostly quiet but talkative
with her favourite people.
Sometimes they say she's provocative
but it's only for humour to ripple.
It is what she wants to achieve.

She has her own list
of aesthetics. Leaves, solar system,
stars, sweaters, cold mist,
laurel, arrows, silver, crystal gem,
jawline, collarbones, veins on wrist.

She gets lost in her own world but senses
your presence. She loves hand holding
and hugs but if you touch her, she tenses
up. Once she's comfortable, she's very loving.
Sticks to you like a magnet, for instance.

She dreams of being loved, adorned
by someone special. However,
after numerous rejections, her heart was torn.
She then pulled herself together.
Loving herself, she moved on.

She loves helping people out.
Always being nice, giving encouragement.
Won't let people feel a shadow of doubt
when she showers them in compliments.
They call her a positive broccoli, she sprouts.

-m.b

My hair smells like you. I'm reminded of when we were so inseparable before. I miss that. How close we were; we talked about so many things. How empty I felt whenever we parted. How I always felt so misunderstood my whole life until you came in, tuned into what I was saying and it's like you're the only one fluent in my language. How you had no problem understanding me, telling me things I needed and wanted to hear. I finally felt valuable. But we grew distant and as much as we try to get closer again, it doesn't seem to work.

Our bond is so cold now. I no longer feel warm in your arms. We're as cold as ice; dying. I'm trying to make it work but I don't think my efforts will be able to defrost the Antarctica of our relationship. I don't even know who you are anymore. You're like a stranger and I can't be who I am with you because you look so fragile and talking to you is like dancing on thin ice. I'm so afraid I might break you. I just hope you aren't completely frozen as a stranger.

-m.b

He didn't know how to love her.
He was clueless, didn't know better.
He held her when she wanted to fly.
He asked her "what" but not "why".
He looked at her when she wanted to be invisible.
He was a joke but she felt miserable.
He rose up but she wanted to lie down.
He gasped for air but she prefers to drown.
He pressed flowers but she is meant to bloom.
He dreams of a house but she wants just a room.
He wants to learn but she isn't a teacher.
He just couldn't love her.
He didn't want to be separable
but they're just incompatible.

-m.b

A healing voice;
Deep yet soft,
calls on a moonlit night.
Washed over me like a tide,
surely I'll sleep tight.

-m.b

Listening to your songs have always been personal and intimate. It's like inhaling your favourite cologne. It has you imprinted in it. You embedded in my brain.

Your songs; they're like a secret gateway to your mind and personality. It's getting to know you in a raw, honest way. Through beats, lyrics and riffs.

It's a way to understand your  emotions and thoughts running through your head when you connect to songs you listen to. It's you subconsciously choosing particular songs for every moment.

-m.b

It takes a little of a push and
pull and I'm already ****** in again.
All my hard work, trying to get
over this but you would
give a tap on my shoulder
and I would be willing to pour
all my love for you (again).

-m.b