Sometimes there are days like today.
Where I was okay at first.
So I turn on music.

You know, the ones I used to listen to
when he was a constant in my life.

Where instead of enjoying the songs,
my mind grows blank.
I sit back and let the music fill me
with emotions and memories.

Of when I first listened to it,
the times we would listen to it together,
the times I listened to it alone, without him.

All the emotions I've buried in between
the lyrics and rhythms of the songs.

The laughter in his presence
and the pain in his absence.

I can't not listen to them
even if his ghost lingers still
in these lovely songs.

-m.b

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

Everyday after we stopped talking,
I've been running.
Running fast and hard,  away from my guilt.
Some days it'll catch up on me,
filling me up from the pit of my stomach,
gnawing its way up.
And some days I'd let it.
After all, it is what I deserve.
I'm sorry I popped up in your life,
pulled you in day by day,
then tell you I couldn't go on further.
I was desperate and lonely and curious
but realised I wasn't ready.
Perhaps I never got over my
fear of commitment.
I foolishly thought I did.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You didn't deserve any of it.
Thank you for your kindness, though.

-m.b

I know you've been hurt many times before.
So now your brain is wired to see the
opposite *** or potential crushes as a threat.
A threat to your self confidence.
A threat to your inner peace.
A threat to your just fully healed heart.
But there comes a time where you have to let
your walls down just a little bit.
There are good people out there.
You have to let them in.
Maybe you won't feel so bitter and cold
if you'd just let some sunshine in.
It's a scary thing to do, of course.
To bare a vulnerable part of yourself to
someone after being stabbed before.
But past injuries should not hold you back.
Don't you know diamonds are made under
great pressure?
All these hardships will shape you into a gem.

-m.b

I remember being on my first longest flight. We took the midnight flight and I remember dozing off many times. Whenever I awake I would look out the window and see the dark sky, peppered with grey clouds, illuminated by my old friend Luna. She was next to me the whole night; a brightly glowing orb, floating for God knows how many years since her birth. At times when I wake up and feel restless that we were still flying, I'd look up to Luna and she would be there. Shining patiently and wisely. It filled me with a sense of warm serenity. Her beams of light bounced after each passing cloud, chasing my flight and I felt so at peace. That at my first long journey, I was accompanied by an old, loving friend. When everyone was asleep, I had silent conversations with Luna about my thoughts; my fears and expectations. She listened patiently until I felt content.

I felt a twinge of sadness when I woke up the next time, the dark night has transformed into a brightly lit sky. This time it was Helios in Luna's place. I've never really been close with him so I wasn't exactly sure how to feel or react. But it was the first time I met him up close, thousands of feet in the air. I never knew how beautiful it is to see Helios starting the day by waking everyone up from slumber. Helios, a brightly glowing lava spreading rays from clouds to mountains. I've always been the one thinking about days ending, I never bothered about days starting. Helios grew stronger and illuminated our journey with his jovial rays. Where Luna was silent, calming and patient, Helios was loud, energetic and eager. I am blessed that I was accompanied by the two powerful beings. My fears turned into excitement and I no longer grew afraid of long journeys. Not when I have them.

-m.b

Being with you was like being in a movie.
The summer romantic comedy, roller-coaster
of a plot that went on for a full year;
accompanied by beautiful soundtracks.
A roller-coaster because at one point it
dropped heavily into a tragedy.
There were so many soundtracks it felt
like a musical.
When I think back, I could only remember
night car rides, laughter, nerves and a lot
of music playing.
Ever since the "movie" ended, I've been
sitting alone. The stillness of a post credit
scene that never came.
So when I listen to the songs again,
it's like re-watching the movie all over
again. Your favourite old movie,
Re-living the good and bad parts;
especially knowing when your heart is going to break.

-m.b

I wonder what her voice was like
and if it was that he fell in love with.
I wonder if he still misses laying
his head on her shoulder or tummy
when he starts to feel ******.
I wonder if my hands are warm enough
to ease away his anxiety
and I wonder if I'll ever be enough
to take his mind off her.
And will I ever be enough to be with him?

I wonder if she'll ever stop running
through his head when he isn't sober.
That my love could start burning
so bright, his life could start over.
Could I offer an opportunity he wants?
Could I make him fall in love again?
Why am I hurting so much, wanting
to be the one he turns his attention to?
I'm feeling things I thought I buried already
but he keeps digging into me. I'm reviving.

-m.b