Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2023

I'm afraid to ask my mom
If my grandma still hates me
Partly because I'm afraid of the answer
But mostly because
I don't want to force my mom to say
What I know is the truth.
"Yes".

About 11 years ago on Thanksgiving, my grandmother told my mom and her brothers that she dislikes me. She gave no reason. I don't know that she has one. Most of the time I can be okay with it. I don't see her very often outside of holidays, but days like this come when she says or does something hurtful and I have a hard time recovering from the fact that my own grandma doesn't love me. Sometimes I think she's trying to make amends, but something always happens to prove me wrong.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Identity Theft

They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?

The more I learn about myself, the more I hate who I am.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Untitled 56

You've spent your life
Letting them treat you how they want
Letting their hands
And thoughts wander
At will
Keeping the wild fury inside
So as not to cause offense
And you find
Eventually
That for so long
You allowed people to do things to you,
And now you don't even know what's normal
Until the story comes from your lips
And your comrade looks at you
In horror
Of your tragic past.

We've suffered much in the pursuit of providing others with comfort, sacrificed so much to keep from causing offense. I'm learning things about myself and some I wish I could forget. But most often, I wish I had let out the wild rage that has lingered so long just beneath the surface. We will heal, don't you worry. We will be whole again.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Gemstone

How is it that we can be so gentle
And protective of others
While being so harsh
And violent with ourselves?

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Down from 264

People ask me
How I lost so much weight
And what's my secret
And I just don't have the heart to tell them
That it wasn't healthy eating
Or exercise
It was the fact that for the last year
I've been slowly maintaining myself
On stress and tears
And eating them for every meal

"I'm not okay." That seems to be a mantra to me lately, it's so often on my lips that I may as well have it tattooed there so that I don't have to waste my breath.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

PotRoast

I open the door
It's been a long day
But a smell drifts down the stairs
That reminds me
Of Sunday afternoons
Family dinners
And warm food in my belly
Fall naps
And stealing a sip of mom's drink
It's just apple juice
But only her and dad get some
I walk upstairs
And slip off my shoes
Tired
And hang my purse on the hook in the wall
Before going to open the oven.
The heavenly smell increases
A smell of the past
A smell of memories
Of family
I pull the *** out of the oven and cautiously open the lid.
I'm washed over with old memories
As I inhale the smell of cooked veggies, roast, and red wine vinegar.
I reach in with some tongs and it falls apart
Soft
Perfect
Ready to eat
And when I take a bite
All I can think about is my mom
And Sunday afternoons
And that last sip of apple juice.

When I was a kid, Sundays after church we would always have dinner as a family. My mom would cook something special because it was Sunday, and we always got to have ice cream afterwards. That was our Sunday routine. We would have a quiet time or nap time afterwards, and spend the evening in peace and quiet. My mom makes the absolute best potroast, and I remember walking into the house after church and just smelling her cooking all ready to eat once we changed back into our normal clothes. I haven't been doing well. But on a whim, I decided to make my mom's recipe for potroast, and taking a bite of it healed me in a few places. I'm not doing well, but I'm gonna be alright.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Enough To Let You Go

I hear this tune
And think of you
The memories
I can't get through

The lyrics play
I see your face
A feeling that
I can't replace

Took your number
Off my phone
The words all gone
Time to go home

Perhaps one day
I'll hear the words
Your face won't show
My heart won't hurt

I'll hear the song
And skip it past
Won't think of you
At peace at last.

Perhaps one day I'll hear that song and I won't think of him anymore. His phone number is off of my phone, the conversations deleted. It's time to move on.