Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

If your power is perfect in weakness,
You must be very powerful
For I am very weak.

Thank God for His sufficient grace. Without it, I would simply be weak. But now, when I am weak, then I am strong.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

I do not have the luxury
Of caring for myself.
When I feel tears coming
I bite my tongue
And look at something bright
To hold them back
When I feel the need to slash my wrists
I don't say anything
I just allow it to happen
And hope that this won't be the day
That I finally give into temptation
I can't take time off work
For a mental health day
I need the money
And rent isn't cheap
When I feel unloved
I don't tell anyone
I just suffer
And wish
And hope
And scream
Inside
Wishing I could open my mouth
Utter the words
So that someone
Anyone will know
That I'm not okay
That I'm asking for help

I've read that when you're depressed, you should treat yourself like you're sick- take a few days off work, rest, take long baths, drink tea... but what do you do when you feel like this constantly? I can't take every day off from life. I'm in meds, and I don't know why I still feel this way. Nothing lasts longer than a moment. I just want to go back to the way it was before.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Please, please, please

It is not
Within
My
Power
To remove myself
From the loving hands
Of the living God.

Reciting this like a mantra recently. I'm trying so hard to remember this. I feel like I've disappointed Him in so many ways. I've sinned and rebelled again and again and I truly can't believe that anyone could love me enough to save me from myself. I don't even love myself that much. And I try hard to remember that my feelings do not overcome His power, so I just lay in the dark, whispering "Please, Please, Please don't leave me" until I fall asleep.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Salt In The Wound

My eyes hurt
From tears
And drink
And staying awake
And you

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Once Upon A Yesterday

2 years ago
I had this friend
Whom I have known for about 6 years now.
I remember just he and I were playing cards
Super late at night
Keeping each other company,
Having just admitted some past traumas to each other.
He started to speak
But then stopped
I asked him what he was going to say,
And he said that he'd been going to say something,
But I had started twisting my ring around my finger
And he knew
That I did that when I was anxious,
So he would keep it to himself
I didn't even realize that I did that.
I've never felt so known
I miss him.

Maybe we were in love in a way. I wrote poetry about him, and he told me that he thought I was beautiful. But we're no longer in love. I love him from afar, but scars and open wounds litter our skin from cutting each other, and we're better off apart. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the urge to call him whenever I see a yellow house, or a set of cards or see blue moon beer bottles.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Road Trip

I just want to go home
But I don't know where that is anymore.

I'm not doing well at all. I've eaten tears all day and night, Lack of sleep pounds in my head like a drum. Like a door that's been locked with any semblance of sanity just out of reach. My eyes hurt, my soul hurts. Tears are a companion I meet with every day. I hold them back at work by looking into a bright light, but I sometimes wonder if anyone can tell how puffy and red my eyes really are behind these safety glasses. I distract myself with jokes and feigned energy, but the mask only goes so deep and I just wish that someone would love me enough to look underneath and just hold me for a long time until everything fades away and I feel like I can breathe without breaking.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

12:53

I keep looking at the clock
Wanting to go home
But not home
Anywhere
And nowhere
Wanting to fall asleep for a long time
Until I'm okay again
But it's only 12:53
And I still have 7 hours and 7 minutes
Until I can go home

It was a bad day...night...whatever.