Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

It is not
Within
My
Power
To remove myself
From the loving hands
Of the living God.

Reciting this like a mantra recently. I'm trying so hard to remember this. I feel like I've disappointed Him in so many ways. I've sinned and rebelled again and again and I truly can't believe that anyone could love me enough to save me from myself. I don't even love myself that much. And I try hard to remember that my feelings do not overcome His power, so I just lay in the dark, whispering "Please, Please, Please don't leave me" until I fall asleep.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Salt In The Wound

My eyes hurt
From tears
And drink
And staying awake
And you

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Once Upon A Yesterday

2 years ago
I had this friend
Whom I have known for about 6 years now.
I remember just he and I were playing cards
Super late at night
Keeping each other company,
Having just admitted some past traumas to each other.
He started to speak
But then stopped
I asked him what he was going to say,
And he said that he'd been going to say something,
But I had started twisting my ring around my finger
And he knew
That I did that when I was anxious,
So he would keep it to himself
I didn't even realize that I did that.
I've never felt so known
I miss him.

Maybe we were in love in a way. I wrote poetry about him, and he told me that he thought I was beautiful. But we're no longer in love. I love him from afar, but scars and open wounds litter our skin from cutting each other, and we're better off apart. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the urge to call him whenever I see a yellow house, or a set of cards or see blue moon beer bottles.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Road Trip

I just want to go home
But I don't know where that is anymore.

I'm not doing well at all. I've eaten tears all day and night, Lack of sleep pounds in my head like a drum. Like a door that's been locked with any semblance of sanity just out of reach. My eyes hurt, my soul hurts. Tears are a companion I meet with every day. I hold them back at work by looking into a bright light, but I sometimes wonder if anyone can tell how puffy and red my eyes really are behind these safety glasses. I distract myself with jokes and feigned energy, but the mask only goes so deep and I just wish that someone would love me enough to look underneath and just hold me for a long time until everything fades away and I feel like I can breathe without breaking.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

12:53

I keep looking at the clock
Wanting to go home
But not home
Anywhere
And nowhere
Wanting to fall asleep for a long time
Until I'm okay again
But it's only 12:53
And I still have 7 hours and 7 minutes
Until I can go home

It was a bad day...night...whatever.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Gonna Be

You don't think know I know that place?
I've lived in that place
Dark and warm
Felt its fingers creep around me
Silent and muffled
No care
All despair
But at least you can't hear them
At least all you feel is numb
There is no comfort
To stifle the flora and fauna of that blackness
That comes when you succumb to the void
Drinking oblivion
I know that place.
I know it's cracks and crevices
I know it's depths.
I know intimately every bend of its emptiness
A bitter companion
Of endless years
With naught but a candle of hope
That anything exists
But pain
But as dark as it seems up above
In the real world,
It's infinitely darker down here.
And I know that bitter thought
Of "How could it ever get better?"
And maybe you'll spend a lifetime
In horrid darkness
Walking the road of loneliness
But every now and then,
The clouds will part,
And the sun will shine on your face
And you will remember what it feels like
To be alive again
And maybe for the first time
In a very long time,
You will want to be.

I'm not okay. But I will be.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Over

It's almost time to go home
It won't be long now