We used to be much closer
Friends, just you and me
We'd hug and laugh, not knowing
That soon you'd choose to leave

I miss the laugh you had
The one not filled with spite
I miss when we'd play Jenga
Now all we do is fight

You borrowed drinks of hellfire
Before you even knew
You had changed your eyes to anger
Hazel looked so good on you

Now they flash red with fury
Whenever I dare speak
Dear sister, I am trying
To turn the other cheek

But both cheeks now are ragged
Torn, you've struck them both
In waters of your good graces
I'm fighting just to float

People ask if I miss you
I don't know what to say
I miss you oh so badly
But not the "you" this way

I miss the forest fairy
Who used to hold my hand
She wanted my approval
Now she's slipped away like sand

I don't know what to do now
How do I get her back?
Your skin is turning ashen
Your eyes are turning black

I miss my baby sister
I want her home again
But not when you're sinister
I dearly miss my friend

I fear that I have lost you
I cannot reach you now
You've fallen far too deep
Now both of us will drown.

I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on

Its been a long year
More than a year
My pawpaw passed away from cancer
And I didn't even get to say goodbye
They wouldn't let us in to see him
Coronavirus
A glorified cold
That none of us had
Kept me from spending
His last moments holding his hand.
That same week,
A guy I had been seeing dumped me
He was kind about it
Not kindly enough
That it didn't hurt
But that's okay
I wasn't the one for him
Maybe that's what I need to be for myself
The one
Love myself a bit better
My close friend said he was in love with me
I feel like I'm being mocked
The one whom I couldn't ever be with
Is the one who says he loves me
After that
My church started falling apart
Pastors left
Arguments were started
Old mistakes
Friends were lost
And my sense of peace gone
And to top it all, I lost something so dear to me that the loss made me want to end all this just to see the face of someone whom I don't know
But someone who knows me
I'm okay
I think I am
Maybe I don't know what that means anymore
Just breathing
Waiting
For the clouds to pass
It will end
The rain will stop, and the warm spring of peace will come again
If only I can make it
If only I could hold on
Hold on just a little bit longer
Just a little bit
Longer
I will find hope
In a hopeless time

I guess this isn't one of my usual poems
I'm not going to try and use captivating imagery
Or try and put into words
Things I've never said out loud
But I want to tell you a story
When I was 16 years old
My parents gave me a purity ring
It's plain silver, and around the band,
It says
"True love waits"
For so long, when I put it on my finger
I would make sure the word on the outside
The visible edge
Would be turned to the word "love"
I guess I just wanted to say
That I think I'm growing
Maybe in a better way
Because I no longer
Want the ring turned that way.
Now I turn it to the word "waits"
Maybe it's just silly thoughts
Or maybe I'm learning
That it's not about the love that I'm waiting for
It's about the waiting

I didn't know our night would end that way
Both of us in the car
Me afraid of what you would say
It wasn't the fact that you said it
It was the way you spoke of me
As of I'm a light fairytale
You spoke of my smile
My laugh
You said that even my presence puts you at ease
And I know you don't say that lightly
I was trembling through it all
Afraid you would lean over
And kiss me
And more afraid
That I felt beautiful
After all that you said
I was blushing
And couldn't look you in the eye
You think I'm a goddess
When I'm falling apart
I would wreck you
I don't want to lose what we have
But the words came out
And everything shattered
Everything is different
Everything has changed
And I don't know whether to try and fix it
Or if I should just run
Run from you
From your words
From what could have been
I don't know if I want to try and fix us
Or if I never want to see you again
I wish you would take it back
Now the bitter aftertaste of last night
Is going to follow us
You said things I've always wanted to hear
But why, God, did it have to be you?

When I think of you
It's not about the mornings
Or the afternoons

When I think of you
I think of white lined paper
Writing love letters

When I think of you
I see the warm deep sunrise
Cool shades of colors

When I think of you
To think of what we could be
Makes me break inside

When I think of you
It makes me long for something
More than just kisses

When I think of you
I think of what you feel like
Parchment under hands

When I think of you
I wish I knew who you were

Because every stranger that passes on a busy street, every man who smiles at me, every person who offers to help me with my groceries, or holds the door... I wonder if it's you. And I don't know how much longer that I can handle the truth that no one is.