Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2022

9898

I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on

Trying hard to move past things that were said. It was not very long ago, I have yet to see you for the first time since you told me. I know once I see you, it will get easier to go back to normal. It's just taking that first step of seeing you again is going to be the hardest. It will get easier, and maybe we will never go back to how we were before, but we can return to a semblance of normalcy if only I can take that first step.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Simple soul

Its been a long year
More than a year
My pawpaw passed away from cancer
And I didn't even get to say goodbye
They wouldn't let us in to see him
Coronavirus
A glorified cold
That none of us had
Kept me from spending
His last moments holding his hand.
That same week,
A guy I had been seeing dumped me
He was kind about it
Not kindly enough
That it didn't hurt
But that's okay
I wasn't the one for him
Maybe that's what I need to be for myself
The one
Love myself a bit better
My close friend said he was in love with me
I feel like I'm being mocked
The one whom I couldn't ever be with
Is the one who says he loves me
After that
My church started falling apart
Pastors left
Arguments were started
Old mistakes
Friends were lost
And my sense of peace gone
And to top it all, I lost something so dear to me that the loss made me want to end all this just to see the face of someone whom I don't know
But someone who knows me
I'm okay
I think I am
Maybe I don't know what that means anymore
Just breathing
Waiting
For the clouds to pass
It will end
The rain will stop, and the warm spring of peace will come again
If only I can make it
If only I could hold on
Hold on just a little bit longer
Just a little bit
Longer
I will find hope
In a hopeless time

I have good days and bad days. Days where I can hardly leave my bed, when I don't want to eat or drink, just sleep. It's been a hard year. Some days the only thankfulness I can find is praying "Thank you that it won't always be like this"

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Surely Wait for You

I guess this isn't one of my usual poems
I'm not going to try and use captivating imagery
Or try and put into words
Things I've never said out loud
But I want to tell you a story
When I was 16 years old
My parents gave me a purity ring
It's plain silver, and around the band,
It says
"True love waits"
For so long, when I put it on my finger
I would make sure the word on the outside
The visible edge
Would be turned to the word "love"
I guess I just wanted to say
That I think I'm growing
Maybe in a better way
Because I no longer
Want the ring turned that way.
Now I turn it to the word "waits"
Maybe it's just silly thoughts
Or maybe I'm learning
That it's not about the love that I'm waiting for
It's about the waiting

I'm not going to lie and say I no longer have bad days, or that I have constant trust in the one who is ordering my life, it's a battle I fight every day, and sometimes I lose. But the thing that pains my heart-this loneliness- though sometimes I still cry over what I do not have, I am learning that the waiting I do and the faith I hold through it is going to produce a peculiar glory when I reach the other side.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Trust me

You don't want me.
I'd be the icy cold
To your fiery fury
And I don't have the energy
To put out the flames.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Sometimes I Look In Your Eyes (pt. 4 Concrete finale)

I didn't know our night would end that way
Both of us in the car
Me afraid of what you would say
It wasn't the fact that you said it
It was the way you spoke of me
As of I'm a light fairytale
You spoke of my smile
My laugh
You said that even my presence puts you at ease
And I know you don't say that lightly
I was trembling through it all
Afraid you would lean over
And kiss me
And more afraid
That I felt beautiful
After all that you said
I was blushing
And couldn't look you in the eye
You think I'm a goddess
When I'm falling apart
I would wreck you
I don't want to lose what we have
But the words came out
And everything shattered
Everything is different
Everything has changed
And I don't know whether to try and fix it
Or if I should just run
Run from you
From your words
From what could have been
I don't know if I want to try and fix us
Or if I never want to see you again
I wish you would take it back
Now the bitter aftertaste of last night
Is going to follow us
You said things I've always wanted to hear
But why, God, did it have to be you?

One of my close friends told me he loved me. He spoke of my laugh, my smile, how when I touch him, he doesn't want to flinch away like he does with everyone else. Nothing will come if it; nothing can. It's a bitter tragedy. No one has ever spoken to me like that, but why did it have to be you? The one with whom it would never work? My heart wants to embrace you, my mind wants to run away now all I can do is pray.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Black Suits and Bright Red Ties

When I think of you
It's not about the mornings
Or the afternoons

When I think of you
I think of white lined paper
Writing love letters

When I think of you
I see the warm deep sunrise
Cool shades of colors

When I think of you
To think of what we could be
Makes me break inside

When I think of you
It makes me long for something
More than just kisses

When I think of you
I think of what you feel like
Parchment under hands

When I think of you
I wish I knew who you were

Because every stranger that passes on a busy street, every man who smiles at me, every person who offers to help me with my groceries, or holds the door... I wonder if it's you. And I don't know how much longer that I can handle the truth that no one is.

A collection of Haikus and the end of them is a bit of mad rambling because I couldn't hold the words in anymore.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Neural Status

Do you miss it?
The innocence
The ignorance
When kissing and hugs were still icky
It wasn't about ***
And didn't make you long for something real
When the summers were all sunshine
And no school
And you didn't have to go to bed until 9 instead of 8
The times when mom always
Had hot cocoa waiting when you came inside from playing in the snow
Alcohol was exciting
When mom gave you a sip
Because it was Forbidden,
And now it's just a way to escape the gray misery
When cooking was fun
Because you COULD and didn't HAVE TO
You could make a mess of flour and dishes
But now you have to clean up after
Your money can't go to gumballs and quarter machines
Now it goes to rent and car trouble
Staying up until midnight was still fun
Instead, you have to be in bed at 7
Because you have to work tomorrow
And after that, you have a doctor appointment
Do you miss when Saturdays were for sleeping
Not running the errands you couldn't during the week
A day of shopping was fun, and now it makes you nervous because you only have $60 in your wallet and you still have to get a few groceries
A day at the beach was fun
You would come home tired
And sun soaked
Now you only dread the sand you'll get in the car
People ask how you are and you tell them
"Great!"
Things aren't great
But they really are okay
Because you don't have lovers, but you are loved
Your siblings are friends instead of annoying
You used to fight with them over the last of the soda
But now Pepsi makes you sick
And your mom isn't mean anymore,
She's your anchor
Your best friend
You call her more than your 12-year-old self would have thought
And your dad is always there
When you have questions about
Life
Cars
Small fixes around the house
You got good rest last night
And that's enough for you
Even if yesterday you drank three cups of coffee because you needed the energy
Not just because it tastes good.
Because you really do feel fully rested
You go home to a quiet house
But your plants are enough company
And maybe your neighbor would like to come over for tea on the weekend
You work long and hard
But that's okay because you know you'll sleep well
And you have church tomorrow
And the singing always makes you feel alive
And when the sun sets
On your day
It's lovely,
And you watch it go down with a glass of something cold
And make a mental note to pay the water bill

Some of these things are true of myself, some are not. Some are things I experienced, and some are things I wish I had. I miss the days when life was simple-no money, drink, ***, professional ambition, it was all just wondering what was for dinner and avoiding cleaning my room. My dad always says "The more things change, the more they stay the same" whatever that means. ;) I'm learning contentment right now. It's something I've lacked for far too long. But it's better to drink water and go to bed And worry about the rest tomorrow.