Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Someday
I'm going to go running through a field of flowers
I won't worry about bugs
Or sweating
Or needing my inhaler

Someday I'm going to spend Christmas in Switzerland
The glowing lights
Warm fires
The mountains

Someday I'm going to
Go back to Mount Rainier
Take the same path as before
Take in the beauty
Take My time remembering
That this is what beauty looks like

Someday I'm going to fall in love
We will laugh
And take pictures
And spend Sunday afternoons curled up on the couch

Someday I'm going to live on a huge farm
My whole family will be with me
We will grow
Plants, food, and each other
And revert to mankind's oldest way to receive food

Someday
I'm going to have kids of my own
To raise
And love
And teach to love God

But if Someday were today,
Someday I'd have a quiet afternoon
Alone
But that's okay
Eat some good food
And let my mind rest from earning
All the other "Somedays"
That will come along one of these days

I want to travel the world. I want to walk through the misty trees in the mountains. I want my feet to dangle again off a balcony at 2am over the ocean listening to the seals wake up. I want to see water so clear and fresh that I can't help but jump in. But I suppose for today, it's enough that I've eaten well and I can rest my eyes for a few hours until the work week begins all over again.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Take My Hands and Let Them Be (pt. 3 of Concrete)

I couldn't find the love I wanted
So I looked for it in other things
Forgot promises I'd made
To myself as a child
That I swore I'd never break
Now they lay shattered at my feet
Like glass by the train tracks
And I went on
Kept on keeping on
Hoping that the current pleasure
Would be sweeter than the everlasting
If only for a moment
But when it passed my lips
It turned bitter
Like sour milk
Instead of sweet honey,
I tasted only ashes
But still I would not be dissuaded
I continued
Seeking things that would only destroy me
Because the destruction felt so much like the love I craved
And if I could not get a grasp
Of what I thought I wanted
Maybe I wanted something else
But I don't.
I don't want it anymore
I don't want it anymore

If the me I was 9 years ago-hell, even 4 years ago- could see me, see the things I've done and the promises I've tossed away for cheap things, would she want the future more, or less?

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

One Of The Good Ones

Everybody talks about
The ones who fall in love
They kiss and cry
And live and die
Life they never dreamed of

But nobody talks about
The time that comes before
The heartbreak and
The loneliness
Your heart out on the floor

Even when the sun comes up
Your left in misery
Your eyes red-rimmed
Your crawling skin
It's all a mystery

Sometimes you can be just fine
And have a normal day
Then you get home
You're all alone
You want to hide away

"Is there something wrong with me"
Your heart whispers too loud
And suddenly
And sullenly
You're with misery endowed

You're walking down a busy street
You pass a window pane
You see yourself
But not yourself
And all that's there is pain

"Your belly rolls, your neck's too thick"
You chastise yourself
Before you know
It, any glow
Falls in upon itself

Your tears fall down, flooding out
You wonder what is wrong
They just don't see
All your beauty
And what was there is gone

You try to find a better way
To finally fall in love
Before you know,
Here comes the snow
And you are still alone

"Someone's out there," they all say,
"He's waiting just for you"
It never helps
Nor even quells
The place you're going through

Weddings, anniversaries
You don't enjoy them all
But sometimes you
See joy and truth
When rice and flowers fall

But then there's always going home
You have to face the day
With fake smile off
You go to bed
And cry your makeup off.

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

The World Could End with Us (pt. 2 of Concrete))

I believe in little things as well as big things
I believe in goodbye kisses as much as good morning ones
I believe in spreading love as far as we can before we die
I believe that it's important to squeeze in as many embraces as possible even if you've already said goodbye
I believe that we are hear for a reason
I believe in the beauty of everyday things
I believe that it's okay to cry, you just have to find out what to do after that
I believe in better things than a virus or a violent ending to all things good
I believe that goodness made this world
I believe that goodness paid for me to be here through a vast sacrifice
I believe that we do not stay dead long
That death is only a door
And I believe that on the other side
Whether we see joy
Or disaster
Depends not only on how we live our lives
But on how one man lived His

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Harsher Goodbyes (pt. 1 of Concrete)

Even the best of dreams are nightmares
For we must awaken sometime

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Marhabbah

I'm not okay
I know that
I'm not myself
I cry more
Eat less
When I go to sleep
It's not because I'm tired
It's because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to be awake
My smile fades as soon as you turn away
I hate things
And myself
And when I think of the future
I see nothing
I want to curl up
And hide away
In this hole I've dug myself
Deep
Dark
Safe
I want to fall into the nothingness
That comes with sleep
I want to be someone
Other than this
Someone happy
Loved
Be with someone
Not just for the nights
Warm
And soft
But the mornings, days, and afternoons
Where I can flee
To someone's arms
Feel them around me
But I'm alone
I can't seem to shake it
I only eat
To fill me up
Because there's a hollowness inside me
And if I can't fill that
At least I can fill something
I don't have the stomach
To let the blood run
Free
Down my Wrists
But I wish I could feel something
God, I wish I could feel something
Something other than this
Lonely
Tired
Sick
Sad
Broken
Alone
Alone
Alone

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

It's not over, I will praise again. But I'm in the valley.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2022

Fording The River

It's spring
Soft colors rise on the horizon
The air is fresh
And clean
I know that I could just close my eyes
Fall asleep here
Listening to the birds
And the squirrels in the trees
Waking in the magenta morning light
Forget for a few precious hours
That I'm sad
And tired
And afraid for decisions to be made
Forget that I feel a bit broken
And battered
But I know
That when I open my eyes
It will all come crashing back
And I don't know
If I'd rather pause this for awhile
Just to get hit harder
When my eyelids flutter open
And the peacefulness is gone

Going through some rough stuff right now-things I never thought I would have to worry about, and I'm having to make some very hard decisions about my church. I just feel weak, and tired, and I know that nothing is meaningless, but what could be so important about what my family is dealing with right now?