I'm not okay
I know that
I'm not myself
I cry more
Eat less
When I go to sleep
It's not because I'm tired
It's because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to be awake
My smile fades as soon as you turn away
I hate things
And myself
And when I think of the future
I see nothing
I want to curl up
And hide away
In this hole I've dug myself
Deep
Dark
Safe
I want to fall into the nothingness
That comes with sleep
I want to be someone
Other than this
Someone happy
Loved
Be with someone
Not just for the nights
Warm
And soft
But the mornings, days, and afternoons
Where I can flee
To someone's arms
Feel them around me
But I'm alone
I can't seem to shake it
I only eat
To fill me up
Because there's a hollowness inside me
And if I can't fill that
At least I can fill something
I don't have the stomach
To let the blood run
Free
Down my Wrists
But I wish I could feel something
God, I wish I could feel something
Something other than this
Lonely
Tired
Sick
Sad
Broken
Alone
Alone
Alone

It's spring
Soft colors rise on the horizon
The air is fresh
And clean
I know that I could just close my eyes
Fall asleep here
Listening to the birds
And the squirrels in the trees
Waking in the magenta morning light
Forget for a few precious hours
That I'm sad
And tired
And afraid for decisions to be made
Forget that I feel a bit broken
And battered
But I know
That when I open my eyes
It will all come crashing back
And I don't know
If I'd rather pause this for awhile
Just to get hit harder
When my eyelids flutter open
And the peacefulness is gone

It comes to all of us
That fear
That maybe
We were meant
To be alone
To just fade away
Until no one remembers you
Except in fleeting summer thoughts
Of yesterday
That everyone
We meet
We push away
But it's all
Every bit
A matter of patience
And understanding
Patience to find ways to cope
And understanding
That it may not come
In the way you think it will

If you were around
I'd tell you I love you
I wish I had
I would do better

If you were still here
I'd just pick up the phone
I wish I had
I would hug you tightly

If you weren't gone
I'd ask to spend time with you
I wish I had
I found out too late

If you were still with us
I'd kiss your wrinkled cheek
I wish I had
I didn't do it enough

If you were here
I would watch scifi with you
I wish I had
I never knew you loved it

If you were still on earth
I'd see you more often
I wish I had
The last time I saw you, you were so much thinner

If we still had you
I'd hug you longer
I wish I had
It all happened so fast

If I could see you now
I'd tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had
I didn't tell you how much I love you

If I could do it over
I'd tell you you're the only grandpa I remember
I wish I had
Now I have to love you from afar

If you could see me
You'd see my regret
I wish you could
All I want to do is see you

If I could see you again
I'd tell you about my day
I wish I had
We only spoke in passing

If we were face to face
I'd tell you I want you at my wedding
I wish I had
It's too late now

If we could see you again
You'd tell us not to cry
I wish you would
We miss you so much

Father give me strength
When I cannot be brave
And Lord please take my hand
When I stumble away
You are all I have
In this world that seems so pale and gray
Lord, you are great

Shepherd, you have led me
When I go astray
Gentle, meek protector
You've conquered the grave
Comfort and my hope
You have held my head above the waves
God you are great

Maker of creation
You hold me in your hand
King of all the nations
You lift me up to stand
All Sanctification
Is bleeding from your nails of grace
King, you are great

Author of my story
You write what I can't see
Father of all glory
You live what I can't be
Taking inventory
Of all the things that I will be
Christ you are great

Leader of my heart
Give me grace like boundless seas
Not only in part
You hold my eternity
Even when I start
To slip you will hold me fast and sweet
Jesus you are great

Healer of my wounds
Lift me high and bind me up
When my heart eludes
You rise and fill my cup
Gently as you soothe
You carry me to safer ground
Maker you are great

Hiding place of mine
You capture every tear
I don't know your design
But I know you are here
Present before time
Lord you hear my cry and draw me near
Jehovah you are great

When mine eyelids close
I'll see a wondrous thing
I'll follow where He goes
I'll finally meet my King of Kings
And crowned with endless glow
I will rise and see Him face to face
Lord, God, King, Christ, Jesus, Maker, Jehovah, you are great.