Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil May 2019

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

Wear your war paint. Today-today we're going to beat it.

Marisa Lu Makil May 2019

Wandering Thoughts

Why
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Wasn't
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I
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Enough?

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Time Between Us

I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Going, Going, Gone

I lost someone that day
In the hail and lightning
And the chaos
A piece of me chipped away with
Every
          Drop
                     Of
                              Rain
That hit my skin
And I don't know who I am anymore

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Shifting Blame

Release the idea
That everything is your fault
You
Oh starling
Do not have that power

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Spread Your Wings

It's okay to be
Broken
Lonely
Insane
And fantastical
Just keep slaying your dragons

Be whoever you want to be, it's okay to ***** up, and hurt, it's okay to be broken, but whatever you do, protect your heart from the monsters, and never let them convince you that they didn't hurt you when they did.

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Keep On Keeping On

I know it hurts
I know it's deep
And dark
And I know it's all you can do
To not drag that blade
Across your wrists
Or take a step
Off that Cliff
But just
Just hold on
One more time
One more sunset
One more horrible day
One last effort
Because
It's
It's about to get so so good
There is a point to your pain
Just
Keep hold
Please
You're so close
And
I swear
Soon you're going to look back
And be so glad that you held on
Even when you thought all you had
Every ounce of strength
Was gone
You're so close

I know it's hard and it hurts, I know-trust me. I can feel it to. My ****** fingers are slipping, too and I know it ***** and no one understands, but I promise, you're so so close. Think of every happy ending you've ever read twice. You know that it gets so bad before it gets good. It's going to hurt a lot, it's going to feel like thunder in your soul, and lightning in your heart. I know it feels like a ton of bricks is on your chest, and it's getting harder to breathe, but you are so close. It's going to get so good really soon. Just... Hold on a little while longer.