I wonder if it's time
To let you go.
Cause you don't want to stay
You keep leaving me all alone.
I wait for you by the stairs
Hoping you will come home tonight
I wither and droop
And still you're not here.
It's like you walked away already
and just keep looking back.
Cause even when you're here
Feels like you're miles away.

-
today,
I was offered the chance to buy
two 40 mg Adderall pills.
At first I though,
"Eh, a nice dime bag sounds better to me"
But then I remembered my school's mandatory drug testing,
and then I remembered this horrible writer's block that has been plaguing me.

I had heard from friends in the past that the amphetamine-salt combo worked wonders for students.
I had heard that the wonder drug made you do stuff. Any stuff. Anything.
You can not sit still after popping over the dosage of Adderall.
You clean your room, you read a book, you write an essay and for me, hopefully, write.

Enough with the *******.
It's been about forty minutes since I swallowed one and half pills and ground up and snorted another half of one. Okay.

I feel as though I maybe breathing louder than normal.
Also, I'm not writing one line and then switching over to tumblr as I usually do.
Also, my room is really *****.
Also, I've drunk two sprites and ate some leftover Chinese food.
Also, it's really ******* quiet. It's eery.
Also, yesterday in my English class this really nice openly gay kid named Connor walked across the class and as he did so this other kid sitting next to me whispered quite loudly "******" and I did nothing but sit there and angrily stare at my desk.
Also, it's been eating me up inside ever since.
Also, about an hour ago my mom took my (half) baby sister so see her (**** of a) father. She said she'd be home around seven thirty and it's seven twenty eight but she's usually late.
Also, I wish she would buy me cigarettes.
Also, it's Thursday and I have a D- in Biology.

****.

Also, I might hangout with my friend Ryley tomorrow.
Also, I might become a methamphetamine addict.
Also, I spelled that without using spell check.

Trapped inside a life
I can find no escape
Consumed with misery and self loathing
Lacking beauty and love and inspiration
Cornered into a little world of sadness
Lonely beyond belief
Isolated to the max
This is the anthem of the poet
As he writes his last

He beams as he enters my bedroom
Holding a glass bottle
Bout a liter with a light label
Ether? (i was already down a hot dessert road with a pint of it in the back on the way to Las Vegas in a red sportscar)
No my son
Embalming fluid

Quickly we scrounge for money
And with almost zero effort
We had an eighth of some funk
We feel rich as we walk
And the rain falls

A good omen
As we smoke a cigarette near the retention pond
A falcon picked up a black snake and carried it over the trees

Marijuana soaked in embalming fluid
The bodies are emptied and filled to help slow down decomposition

He reads from Encyclopedia Britannica about embalming
I imagine ancient  humans sitting around a fire in the center of the dessert
They are throwing  massive amounts of marijuana on the fire
Inventing gods and dancing

They were each dipped and allowed to fully dry
We talk about all the **** our egos have snagged lately
As he packs

The hit
Like plastic to the tongue
My lungs become black in an instant
Filled with an acrid white smoke
Exhale the soul
****, that was fast
Stillness in everything
The building vibration at the base of my skull
Reverberating through me
each word
        Spirals off into thousands
Of volumes of information
The processing power
Of the machine
Capable of this existence
the psychotic episode of existence
It tries to talk
Surely it thinks it is something
How fine it is to know that it will all one day end
In an instant neither dark nor light I will die
And I have no fear of this
An instant of life
Boiling over to its brim in thoughts
To feel one moment of true ignorant blissful love of another soul
Love just another reaction to instinct
That we love to label with
Big long pages of words
And inventions to make
Them faster until everyone knows what life should be like