Emotions flooding.
I feel the body tension rising,
As I do these exercises,
To calm the heart down,
From beating out of my chest.
As the tears roll down my face,
With no reason as to why,
I find it harder to control myself.
Removing myself,
Before things get worst.
Tonight will be a handful,
I shall sleep,
Befofe this angry becomes a curse.

When you're so angry,
That you just want to cry.

Anger is your enemy.
You become into something others don't wish to see.
From yelling to screaming to bad attitude,
To taking it out on the most important person you care for.

It takes control of your body, until it becomes you.
Another you, a mask,
To show the disaster going through your mind,
From all the bombs hitting you at once.
Anger is controlling.
It's the enemy.

Roof top views are the best.
Nothing but the dark blue skies,
Shimmering with bright white stars.
Dazzing off into a place where life is lifeless,
Drama isn't important,
And stress is non existence.
Relaxing your body with the vision of something bigger,
Something much deeper,
If you just had that one person,
Seeing these dark blue skies,
shimmering with the bright white stars,
It will all just be so perfect,
No words being said,
But so worth it.

Is being too much to upsetting?
Is being too much to handle not good?
Is it okay?

I won't always be your cup of tea.
You're favorite kind of drink.
I won't always be your apple on the tree.
I'll have my days,
Jus like no other.
When the tiger roar comes out,
When I can't stand no other.
When I don't want to give a ****,
When I feel much smaller.
I won't always be your cup of tea,
Nor A shot of Hennessy.
I'm a mixture of hot species, with a little bit of sweets.

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If God could physically see how far I've came, and how happy I've become, he would be so proud of me.

So proud.

I wish I could wake up too you.
Wake up in your arms, as I crawl up in a ball and lay on my favorite spot.
Your chest.
I wish I can lay my legs in between yours, as you hold me real close,
and fall asleep to a movie that we wanted to see last night.
I wish I could hear you say goodnight,
Not through mobile.
But Rather to my face,
So I can kiss you goodnight, and fall asleep until the sunrise,
Because with you everything is alright.

Emotions flooding in me,
As the tears roll down my face.
As the person I care for,
Is having thoughts of harming themselves.
Being unaware,
Feeling helpless.
Feeling as if you're not trust worthy enough.
To have them open to me,
In time of need.
Scared to tell me;
That there having thoughts of suicide.
Thoughts of losing me?
But what about ME?

What about ME!

Wake up one day, and you're not there.
What the ****,
******!
What about me!

To scared to open up to me,
I admit.
Me speaking about my thoughts.
I would never.

"I'm fine".
Shut up.
Those words are a way of hiding one trues emotion.

If you was okay, would there be thoughts of suicide?
Telling me you're fine. Partially faking that you're happy.
So when i fall asleep,
Thoughts enter.
4 in the morning and you're lonely.
You took that belt,
As if it's the answer to your nightmares.
You took that blade.
As if it's the answers to your suicide dreams.
Afraid of telling me because you were to afraid of losing me.
But what about ME?
******.
What about ME!

Not knowing everything isn't alright.
You telling me it's just a dream,
As if you didn't try killing yourself last night.
What about me..

Me.

What if . I ..
Send you a text, and I got no response?
What if that suicide attempt passed and your soul wasn't alive?

Anger building up in me.
You telling me, that you're hanging up.
That you're sorry.
I hate sorries.
Stop telling me that you're sorry
I'm not forgiving,
I'm not forgetting.

I'm a little tore up inside.
What can you do to help a person, who's afraid of losing you, when you're afraid of losing them The most?

What if it was "I" who attempted those suicide attempts.
Told tou nothing.
You woke up to no reply back to ones text,
Messages bein sent to you.
Telling you,
That I tried to **** myself last night, and it went through.
How would you feel?
****** how would YOU FEEL?

Last phone call of the night.
Because I do not feel right.
I feel so angry.
Why couldn't he have told me?

What about me.
******..
What about ME?
I could of lost you physically.

Baby..
What about me.

Us.

Ever been so angry and not know why?
To the point where you pushed everyone aside?

Haven't had much inspiration.
It's like my mind is going crazy.
I can't seem to put the words that want to be said out on paper.
I'm at ease.
This feeling,
I am not understanding.
Is there nothing to say?
Nothing to write?
...  
I cannot continue.

People will love you and support you when it's beneficial.

Last time I gave someone my all,
They hurt me.
I left the one that didn't deserve me,
And now he's realizing,
That he failed to love me.
But I found someone new,
And he's far more lovely.
My hunny.

Im in a happy place right now.
No more tears, no more depression, no more sadness.
Thank you God.
For those people who left,
Because I realize that there bad presence,
Was discouraging.

We lost an angel on that day. I remember text messages about missed periods, and sick stomach. I remember the fear in our faces, as being told did you take it? Did you do it? Not feeling well, but I made sure there was no such thing as being alone in the fear of being pregnant. The next day came, it said no. Being asked again, again "no".
Sign of relief, but it didn't seem right.
No words being said, it was never spoken about again.
Few weeks pass by,
"I'm having a miscarriage, it happened lastnight".
Tears running down ones face,
"Stay strong baby, it will be alright"
"You're not alone, I promise it will be alright"
You gain some weight, you see it in your face.
Smiles in ones face, because at the end of the day,
God knew why this took place.
We will never understand why,
We have said our last goodbyes
To the beauty that would of been,
To the angel that we carried inside.
May god be with you little angel of mine.
As we remember and love you forever,
Until then, we'll meet another time.

Ever met someone who made you feel alive again?
Made you smile again?
And by smile, I really mean.
That real smile.
Every felt like someone loves you for you?

Haven't been writing much lately. I guess I don't have much to say, or maybe I can't put these feelings into words? Whatever it is, I know it's going to get worst. Like how he wished you used me, in ways I wish to not say. Or that time I thought god was calling my name, reaching him for help, but instead he didn't care and let me choose the wrong way. The day I was gettig ready to go to class, until I heard my phone ringing, it was you. I hesitated, should I read those texts, Should I do this to myself? I did anyways. Every word I read felt like a knife going through me. I was patient, I was calm, but that knife kept going through me. Text messages to my friend, she's like a sister too me. telling her **** baby girl I'm about to do it.  This depression because of him, is no joke, I'm about to lose it. Give me minutes girl I'll be right there. As I held the pills in my hands, reading all these back and forth accusations of somebody who claimed they loved me, treating me so bad, because I left him lonely not knowing the lonely one who was hurting was me, because they were too blind to see the depression inside of me, growing. My body starts shaking, the bottle is whom I went too, sitting on the floor two feet away from my feet, one pill on the ground, the rest, resting on my clinch tight hands, as I try so hard to overcome this feeling called suicide. To whom I fell in love with, broke me down deep inside. I didn't want to be alive. The Messages in my eyes, couldn't believe what I was reading, felt like he was teasing. When he was done, he would always say he was sorry. I gave him the glory.. Of disrespecting me, when I gave him my world to explore in. And we're not talking planes, cross country, exploring.. How could someone do such harm, take you for granted, tell you there sorry, and repeat the **** story? Finding your weakness, and use it to break you down. Questioning god like why me, lord why me? All you ever wanted was to feel loved, because God gave you this big heart, and you share it but get nothing in return. If it wasn't for my best friend, lord knows I wouldn't make it.. Disappointed in myself, as you should be disappointed of me. To see me get so weak, cause of a man who didn't know how to love me. I'm sorry..

I have such a big heart, it's really so unfair.

I believe God gave us the struggles we go through for a reason.
Even if it doesn't make sense now,
It might make sense in the future.
Never question his reason as to why you are suffering.
Because God has a great plan for you.
It's just too soon to see it.

If you ever felt alone, comment yes.
Because I know this feeling isn't easy, but we'll be okay. I promise to you all, that it will get easy.

Lord said that I'll be okay.. Should I trust him? Or should I give myself away?

You're the reason why I'm broken. The reason why everyone that comes, I push away.
If it wasn't because of your mistreating and bad habits, I would love so differently.
Because of you, I tried to be perfect.
I tried to love.
Tried to make sure you was okay, before I made sure I was.
Said sorry, for every little thing you said I did wrong.
Even when you was wrong,
My sorry's spoke.
I would never understand, why I waited so long to see your wrongs.
I was blinded by the way my heart wanted to make it work,
Another chance.
But it knew.
Yes it knew..
That you was the reason for my returning depression.
The reason why I tried killing myself, back when you were leaving.
This isn't just a feeling.
This is who I've become.
Because of you.
The same reason why I changed into someone I hope never became.
I don't know what else to say. .

Why would you call this love, if you knew this wasn't.
If this was not love, please tell me what was it?

She wanted him to show his heart, and and say he loved her.
He spoke the magic words,
And the same night he ****** up.
Now she wide open..

Love is such a mystery. This feeling is so uneasy. .

They always said your first will be the hardest, and boy weren't they lying. The feeling of opening up to someone, letting them see you as a whole. Seeing you with no clothes on, cuddling, becoming one. Giving that person your all, more than just making love, but deeper than love. As the feelings spill out with each kiss, and each touch, you feel the pain, as his fingertips touch and hold your hips. Because he isn't the one. You feel the pain, as those kisses get to your heart, and your eyes start to water. There's no such thing as your mind knowing what's best, because your heart knows more than the rest. But this man is your first, so hard to walk away. But why? Lord why? Why is this feeling so invading? He looks at you, and smile, knowing this smile is so untrue, nothing but a piece of your beauty, that's all that it took, to make him say I love you, until he got what he looked. He changed his ways, it became more distance, you tried to fix it. Not realizing that you are only hurting yourself, you denied it. Wanted to make it work, so those feelings inside, you fought them, why? Was it really that worth it? Was it really because you loved him? Or was it because you was too scared to walk away, because you felt like as if it would hurt him? Did he care? Only when he smashed though..
Was he there? Only when he smashed though..
Did he make you cry? Yeah.
Did he care? No.
So why were you there? I don't know..
Were you happy? Could I have been?
No..
Was this just ***?
Was this just his way of getting what he wanted so no other can have it?
Selfish.
They say your first is hard to walk away from,
But when walking away makes you stronger
You start regretting the moment, you let that boy in.

Enough said..

I have so much to say. My mind is going into circles. What is wrong with me? Is this the real me? Is this what real happiness feels like? Why am I crying? I am healing. My body feels it. My heart can't take it, it's not used to this beautiful feeling..

And if you must go, just know.
I gave you my whole world..

What if she's not doing it for attention? What if she's doing it, because she's crying out for help? ..

I've been through more than you think. Don't mistake that with what you see, when you look at me.. My eyes tell more than the smiles in my laugh. I'm hurting deep down, I'm just wearing this mask..

I keep telling myself, that you'd change your mind tomorrow. So I'd be drinking to get rid of all of my sorrows, get lit, take my mind off ****. So this pill, I will swallow. I got to let my mind go.

I need strength,
Give me strength.
I cannot take this.
I cannot do this.
My words are screaming,
My chest is pounding.
I need strength.
I need it the most.

woke up today,
Thanking God that I'm alive today.
Thanking god he's okay today.
Thanking God that were alright today.
I woke up today,
Feeling blessed to see his face,
Hear his voice,
Hold his hands,
Kiss his lips,
Because he's still mine today.

Should I keep on fighting, or give up and let myself go..

You promised me,
that you wouldn't leave me.
you did.
And That's when you killed me.

Wasn't I enough? Maybe I gave you too much..
It's the way you make me feel,
All alone, even though you're right next to me.
My chest bursting,
The feeling of holding back these tears
Because you are near, I don't want you to hear.
Was I ever good enough? Was I worth it?
Was I too much?
I cared, didn't I?
I loved you, I did.

Maybe my love wasn't good enough after all.
Since you are gone.

Maybe I was foolish to fall in love with someone like you.
To let you take part of my body,
To let you see the whole me.
Or maybe I was blind?
Maybe I knew, but didn't want to believe the truth..

So much anger
I hate him
I love him
I don't need him
But I want him
He doesn't care
I'm selfish
Hard headed
We're so much alike
We bump heads
We fight
We make love
He's mine
I'm his
We love
Feelings can't compare to him
It's like a roller coaster
We're the only ones on the ride
We stare at the sky
This love is so high
This angry, in between
Us..
When we are not together
Tells us more
Then just a simple hint
The feeling on your lips, kissing down my hips
The way your hands feel,
Exploring.
Upset without you
Smiling with you
This love is a crazy one
We both say
As we kiss each other
Goodnight ..
Because that's the only way
We can fall asleep ..
You hold me close
Squeeze me tight
I get upset
I don't like to be squeezed
You laugh
I laugh back
You smile at me
I smile back
You stare at me
So blankly
But so in love
I say what
You say nothing
That you just love me
I say it back
You kiss me
I kiss you back
And those angry feelings
Go away.
Because with you
Is when I'm the happiest.

I remember when you told me things would be different. As The prints of your palms would be on my neck. I remember when you told me that you loved me, when you did it. When those nights seem so long, so careless. As the banging on the window became louder, because the sound of a ball being hit against it, those not knowing it wasn't a ball, but rather my head. You told me that you loved me, so it was love too me. Not knowing I was visiting, the pathway to heaven sooner than I realized. Until it was too late.

Who have you become? I see a change. You're becoming so care less, not coming around more. I'm upset, I hit you up, and you're not there. Who have you become? This isn't the person I fell in love with me, that made me believe that you could of been my number one.

Young girl with a great heart. Play dumb but she book smart. Fooled around with them hood bums. Now she worrying about her unborn, no support she didn't have none. Mistakes? She said she never had done. Now she's feeling ashamed. She needs to understand she's not the only one to blame. To leave what's in her body, it's not your fault baby you had to stop it. Dreams of holding there little feet and hands, is hard to fight it. You was a young girl, who was in love with a ***. The feeling of sending gods gift back, girl you hate it. So you did it. Printed fingers on the glass, wishing this was your last, substances down your throat, eyes shutting, as the memories of what you had inside of you, another soul, was destroyed, because you was too young to hold, so you did it.
(Suicide and Abortion)