Flesh is heretic.
My body is a witch.
I am burning it.

Yes I am torching
ber curves and paps and wiles.
They scorch in my self denials.

How she meshed my head
in the half-truths
of her fevers

till I renounced
milk and honey
and the taste of lunch.

I vomited
her hungers.
Now the ***** is burning.

I am starved and curveless.
I am skin and bone.
She has learned her lesson.

Thin as a rib
I turn in sleep.
My dreams probe

a claustrophobia
a sensuous enclosure.
How warm it was and wide

once by a warm drum,
once by the song of his breath
and in his sleeping side.

Only a little more,
only a few more days
sinless, foodless,

I will slip
back into him again
as if I had never been away.

Caged so
I will grow
angular and holy

past pain,
keeping his heart
such company

as will make me forget
in a small space
the fall

into forked dark,
into python needs
heaving to hips and *******
and lips and heat
and sweat and fat and greed.

So now I stand alone again,
my big red balloon poked with a pin.

But stronger once more
I walk away,

Same old story
a different day.

I was doing so well
I let myself regress,

No more relationships
they all leave a mess.

This need for something
always makes me lose,

I must stand on my own
and never leave my shoes.

I am my own person
I must care for me.

There's no room for love,
strength is the key.

Hello.
Hello yourself.
What do you want?
What about you?
What is up?
What’s with you?
I am trying to get rid of you.
Hello.
Hello yourself.
Why do you keep saying that?
Why do you?
You are a pain.
So are you.
Why can I not run from you?
You can not get away because,
you are me and I am you.

Do you ever wonder... about us?
I do,
It seems like I do every day.

Maybe it's because you met someone else,
and I was a fool to let you go.
Maybe it's because being stuck in this limbo feels worse than hell.
I don't know.

All I know is you linger in my soul.
I try to let you go,
But when you are about to,
I shout, "No! Don't leave!  Stay, stab, torment..."

You're the only thing I feel anymore,
I'm afraid of feeling anything else,
I think that maybe one day,
we'll just get over each other,
and that scares me more than this pain.

You're in my heart,
never to leave,
a siren calling me in,
and leaving me crashing upon your shore.

but, do you ever wonder... about us.

Because if you do,
well that's enough.

You say I'm running
But I'm staying
Stuck in quicksand
Slowly dying
Crying..
When will it be over?

I can't help but fall.
deeper,
            deeper,
                        deeper.
These little blue and white pills pull me so far down.
Into darkness.

After two, I feel my once tense muscles begin to relax.

Three more and my eyelids start to get heavy.

Four more, my mind eases; thoughts drain themselves away.

Five more, and consciousness escapes me.

A sea of medicated sleep engulfs me.
I float away, far deeper than my sober being could wallow.

Here, I can't hear the voices. Inside, or out.

No one to remind me what a disappointment I am.
No mirror to look into and think about how disgusting the thing is, staring back at me.
No overwhelming thoughts to motivate a razor across my body.
Nothing.
No one.
Just the comforting silence of sweet dreamless sleep.

Your blood is the same as his, but the skin
on your cheeks could never compare. The dirt
underneath your fingernails will always be cleaner
than the dirt underneath his, but the rain moaning
outside of my window will always remind me of him.
“I didn’t feel anything, I mean, did you?”
will always hurt more than
“We have to let go of each other.”
My lips trembled and managed to whimper,
“Well, yeah,” as my ribcage exhaled a foggy disdain onto my own ghost.
Sitting on cement and a pillow, sitting on my tongue,
sitting on broken leaves and autumn rain,
sitting on a curved backbone that I thought no man could ever love,
I waited to go home.
I waited for you to love me.
I waited for an eyelash.
I waited for months with wind in my veins and blood in my lungs
for a fortune cookie to read my mind and teach me how to say ”love”
in Chinese.
Then you left, and I stayed, and ecstasy stuffed his tongue down my throat
for a month that felt like a year.
I sat in your home when you weren’t there, I sat on summer rainstorms, and I sat
on a broken backbone, waiting for you to love me.

These are my thoughts,
On life, and love.

Life is so trivial,
Random and patternless,
Or is it?

Life is so unimportant,
But yet important enough,
To have an underlying meaning,
An underlying pattern.

But so unimportant,
Unless you have something to live for.

Love,
Another trivial thing, maybe,
But together,
Life and love,
The most important.

What's even crazier,
Is I'm crazy for someone I don't even know,
But yet,
I know it's not lust.

This I know,
Because I don't have the physical urge,
This I know,
Because I want to get to know her.

It's not lust,
But, it's not love,
Because I don't even know her,
To early to tell.

But I think about her everyday,
I've never thought more about someone who I don't even know,
Am I crazy?
Maybe.

But,
Even though I don't know her,
It feels like I've known her my entire life,
And I will tell her that,
Just not in the first conversation,
Or maybe I will.

I once heard though,
That you don't give up on someone,
If you think about them everyday,
So, I won't give up.

I'll just finally introduce myself,
See where it takes me,
See where it takes us,
'Cause I've got a good feeling about her,
About this possibility.

First things first,
"Hello, I'm Doug Fruin, and I believe we've met before."