Seventh grade came in bad Polaroid shots
Ticket stubs
And stupid sayings.
It came with destroyed friendships
Mean girls
And eating alone in the bathroom.
It came with one sided love
Longing for his affection
And a broken heart.
It came bursting in with self hatred
Broken self esteem
And sliced skin around both wrists.
It was infected with hospital visits
Two week stays
And an I.V. drip in my left arm.
It cracked with poetry
Notebook pages covered in tears
And sad music to make it worse.
It slowed with a new friend
A place to belong
And unsure feelings.
It grew with Jesus
Christian camp
And a few adults I called my  personal saviors.
It healed with a best friend
Phone calls
And seven boys I loved dearly.
It left with self confidence
Band aids  
Plane tickets
Baseball games
And a whole new love.

If only this car could travel
As fast as my racing thoughts

Heart thumping
Face on the desk
We're talking about suicide
And I know what comes next

She tells us not to look
We have to close our eyes
She says it's an anonymous survey
And I wonder if I should lie

Raising our hands is a yes
And everything inside me
Screams no while I
Try to calm my bouncing knee

I raise a tentative hand
When she asks if we've considered suicide
That tentative hand raise is the largest step I've taken
And part of me feels peace deep down inside

I saw her across the street, blonde hair,
bronze summer skin long legs
she wore her crooked glasses and her smile
A black jacket and blue jeans
ripped at the knees by natural causes
Some people just glow in any weather,
I think that when the sunshine gets spilled on them they never let it go.
long fingers
hold science fiction books like stray puppies
When she speaks
Her hands move with a life of their own, they spin worlds
like grandmothers spin tapestries,
she takes the fabric of the time she passes through and makes it a masterpiece.
In my mind she is a time traveler
She's a 1920's jazz singer, a wartime hero, a ballroom dancer, an astronaut
She believes in a better world and she is it
see it in her eyes
Cherry jubilee ice-cream in her hand offered to me
I can't help but grin.
Instinctual reaction, like you squint your eyes in a spotlight.

I'm sad because she'll never see me
how I see her
as sunshine
I can't hold her but
I don't know how to let her go

Walking around town together
Musician on the park bench
notes of an acoustic guitar
beads of water on her skin
and the wind kicks up,
the snowflakes don't settle
but dance
like dust motes who found salvation.
Minarets who touch the music we can't hear
speak it through a motion and a whisper
brush across the pavement and the leaves
I feel them touch me
body and soul
I
maybe, just for a moment am the wind.
Gale in from the Pacific,
race over the green valleys,
batter the blue tinged purple mountains of the west,
through the golden motes and sunbeams of late evening
caress shivering aspens and high mountain pines
All the way until I reach my outstretched fingers,
and slip right through.
Much like you, my darling.

Losing you cant be fixed with Ben and Jerry's or any number of Coldplay songs.
But still I sit here and listen to sad songs, and reblog for hours on end.
Because tumblr seems to know me better then anyone in reality.
I guess I like listening to these songs because they share the same experiences as me.
And I guess I'm too scared to find other people in my life who share the same problems.
I swear to God, Ben Rector and I have twin lives.
When I hear these songs I almost forget about everything else.
When A Heart Breaks might just be my life story.
I could rant on about my favorite artists but it wouldn't be worth it.
But I wont.
I will end with this: No matter how much a girl tries to forget something she cant, no matter how hard she tries. Because what happened, mattered. And all she can do is hope that it mattered to you. Because you cant forget something that mattered.