I have collapsed
Beneath your forceful hand
For the last time.
This is it,
The sun has set on you,
On me,
On us.
It's all curving to an end
Just like your dreams
For our future.
You had too high expectations
For the person you thought I was.
I won't ever be that person.
Soon this will all be over
And I won't have to bruise anymore.
What am I supposed to do
When I'm alone, though?
STOP. Stop everything.
I can't let this end.
I can't be alone in this world.
Don't let the sun go down.
Not now.

Every once in a while,
I'd just like some one to smile
and ask if I'm okay.

Every once in a while
I'd just like someone to smile
and kiss my scars goodnight.

Every once in a while
I'd just like someone to smile
and hold me in the coldest nights.

Every once in a while
I'd just like you to smile
and tell me you love me
and that our world together
will never end
as long as we're alive.

I took you to the edge,
hand in hand
one last time.

It's funny how
the weather always
knew the mood.

There was so much rain,
so much pain.

"I've always wanted to fly..."
You pulled your hand away
I crouched too close to the edge,

"If you jump...
you won't fly.
You'll just be falling."
I've never seen a face
so blank, so indifferent.

"I wouldn't be breaking a trend,
I've been falling,  my whole life."

I stood, wiping hair from your face,
kissed you once
and then grew wings.

We left the front light on last night,
Hoping you'll find your way home,
Through the fog and the beasts,
We didn't sleep last night,
We couldn't bare the thought,
We couldn't think,
Where did you go?
You didn't come home,
And we still don't know,
Like insomnia infested zombies,
We paced into the early hours,
All these worried tears,
Never, never scared us so much,
Then the phone rang...

Only to be a false alarm,
A telemarketer,
Who couldn't quite speak our language,

Once a bright home,
Now so dark and soulless,

A Tap.     Tap.      Tap.
In the early hours,

"Hello Officer..."

I've never collapsed before,
I've never screamed so much I've choked,
And I've never thrown up swallowed tears,
But they found you,
The police man said they found you,
Mutilated in a ditch,
By the park.

It’s a dark night.
And I sit here,
Cigarette choking me.
But I realise I have learnt so much.
One thing I realised,
Through the tortured delusions,
Is that I am strong.
You taught me strength.
To crawl through the mud,
Dust my bones from the ashes,
They didn’t dissolve in the flames set alight by you.
You taught me,
I can unbury my head,
Push out the heavy smoke
And breathe.
Especially when the lights are gone
And nothing seems tangible.
You taught me to grab a hold,
And pull myself out.

Lucy,
Stop this senseless spinning,
We can't see you,
You're mixing in with blurry lights.

"Why don't the tummy good?
My tummy isn't good.
HEY LOOK!
I'm flying!"

We were standing on our apartment building
She thought she was soaring through those clouds
They were just holding her down.
"Higher.
Higher.
I'm flyin..."
THUMP

Poor little Lucy,
Couldn't handle her alcohol.
Maybe she was too young,
Maybe she wasn't ready.
But,
She wanted to get drunk.

She always dreamt of flying.

Nobody knows why.

I feel so small and unimportant.
Maybe I was never meant to be more than a fleeting thought.
A disappearing memory; a false attempt at love,
A stepping stone in the direction of anyone else.
There are so many ‘maybes’ filling my tear ducts to the brim.
Like maybe you didn’t love me,
And
Maybe this is how I’ll finally drown.
Suffocated by my own tears,
And ripped apart by your emptiness.

Maybe .n.o.t.h.i.n.g. is all we were ever meant to be.

Limp, lifeless and longingly dry.
Like the packet of crumpets I lost to mould last week
The rot finds it place under my tongue.
I toy with ideas that maybe anger
Is the reason waves erode sandbanks
And the turbulent wind is why walls like us crumble...

T   U   R   B   U   L   A   N   C   E

The ambiguity of what happens now rings loud and clear
As another fear added to a never ending list.
Professionals would have a field day and a whole new genre within me.
But that's conformity.

The cavern with which my mind resides is dark
Chaotic and violent to say the least.
Self preservation is a fantasised option only present in the books
Surfing the stale wind inside my mind.

If you wanted normality it's taken you two years to undiscover it.

I'll beg each and every second for you to never leave the park bench
That sits across from me staring at everything behind.
I'd give all my soul, dreams and whatever hopes I think I have
To know that you're going to stay in my mind with me forever.

I'd give my heart just to know that you'll stay mine forever.

A scream...
followed by a choke
a splutter, a gasp
then
a CRACK.

a field of white,
red river flowing
from the cavity of a chest
to gravel.
how long is
the road now?

light ever present
at tunnels end
how many times
must you die
before you get there?

spit broken teeth,
walls leave you weak
spell bound to feet
i bow,
"ah, goodmorrow
mystery"

I couldn't rush any quicker
Than to taste something
More bitter than your soul.
And swearing on improper nouns
I told myself to never look
Directly at your heart...

I did; you turned to stone.

You are nothing less than angels,
with stars falling from sky blue eyes,
darling, keep smiling
while they plot ways to **** you at the round table.
What fools these knights are.
my boy, Liquid wisdom drips from your beard,
you have seen so much more than the world
and it drips, drips,
the world weakens and drips
as your spells against ****** attempts fail,
the world drips and you swing,
you are nothing less than angels.

A personal protest,

A fight to forge an identity
And refuse all they think they know.
Butting heads against rams,
They wound but encase yourself with their fear
It hurts less when they attack it themselves.
Exist, create, destroy, love, hurt, ******, ******
Pre existing values that were pulled from the teeth of drunkards afraid of their own faces.
Shake free of shackles and swing them,

A personal protest.

A newly found revolution of a one man army.
I'd join you but I'm picketing my own funeral.
Stay fearless, stay unconformed, stay you,
Stay me, stay puppy.
A pat on the head from corporate junkies
As you march along side them
Licking their seeping fears for them
As they shake that ground you forgot to stand on.
The ground is not ours and
We are losing the fight against humanity,
We've lost our way.
They've lost their way.
Corporate monkeys ******* our brains,
******* their own egos.

How ironic it is
That we mutilate this earth
With the very substances
That bind it.

And how humorous we are
That we think
We can save ourselves
From us.

Love doesn’t rely only on the sentence
Love in my childhood home was said
A lot
And the kids meant it.
She was the only love we had
Or knew or wanted.
Her love was diluted,
Spent across many things.
Herself mostly,
Her wants, ideas, hobbies,
Her luxuries that we could enjoy…
Sometimes.
Maybe selfish or naive
We thought it was her devotion to us.
But we only watched Nickelodeon
To satiate her longing to watch tv rather than work,
Or raise us.
Or love us.

I learnt young that love isn’t just
The sentence.

But mourning a mother daughter relationship
Is a lifelong sentence.

Prince Charming will come for you one day,
my sweetheart, but you musn't go out looking,
because, my child, because there are wolves,
big, big, bad wolves -
The horrible mean men, choose wisely-
One day, you'll see.

I pray the best for you, my pretty one,
Your golden hair will get you far-
And I promise we'll meet again under the sun
Your smile will fill my heart,
until the day I die, my dear,
without it I will not be complete.

Now, don't cry with these words.
For you should know I love you,
I shouldn't leave but I cannot bare it
I'm torn by these decisions
But I cannot give to you
what you need-
you'll understand this
when you're older too.

Enjoy the life I have given you, pretty one,
when this war is over, I'll find you,
and we'll meet again under the sun.*

*Apparently, I was barely three weeks old
when she left, and daddy was a lost cause they said-
told me he went to war, came back a nut case.
No one knows why Mumma wrote about
leaving me during the war, it was already over.
Maybe cause daddy was mental,
and she was poor,
myabe she couldn't cope.
I don't know.

I'm twelve now,
my adopted parents aren't too great,
sometimes, I think a brick wall is more capable
But I love 'em,
I love 'em more than my real folks, hey.

I like to think that on the hottest summer day's
Mumma will meet me, just like she promised
but without a photograph or nuthin'
I doubt she'd ever find me.
My hair ain't even golden anymore,
My new Ma and Pa
says it starting going dark at age three.

I don't remember much of my childhood,
my real childhood atleast,
the one I was supposed to have with Mumma.
All I have is a fading hand written note.

Every time something new and exciting happens,
I'd write a letter to mumma,
ever since I was six.
New Ma and Pa gave me a pen and paper
one day, and an envelope with a unfamiliar adress,
they said, "Write 'til your hearts content, sweetheart."
My first letter had terrible spelling,
with backwards letters,
But it had meaning,
it read, "Where are you mumma?"

I wrote a letter for each week,
and New Ma would let me put it in the box,
down by the train station,
I'd run home as fast as I could
and Pa told me that if I sit by the letterbox
too much, a patch of grass next to it would die,
so I sat at the door step waiting instead.

As I grew up,
The amount of letters I'd write would
slowly decline, I'd write more in depth
than one sentence, but only once a month.
At the age of 17, I'd write only 2 letters a year,
Christmas and what they told me was her birthday.

I'm 29 now, I still write her a letter
whenever I have time,
and somedays, when I feel lost,
or empty inside,
I'll still sit by the dusty letterbox
and wait.

*Dear Mumma,
I'm 29 today, are you proud?

How are you?
Are you fine?
Are you fascinated by stars?
I watch them tonight,
As I write to you.

Mumma, I have some sad news,
New Pa had been terribly ill for weeks,
Months maybe, but it all seemed too quick.
He passed away last week, Mum.
Pa was a beautiful man,
I wish you met him, Mum,
You would have liked him,
Every one did.

At the end of Pa's funeral,
New Ma handed me a shoe box
covered in tear drops
and her shaky hands were so pale.
But, Mum, do you know what was inside?
The box held every single one of my letters
That I had sent you,
All were stamped with "RETURN TO SENDER".

On sunny days,
I still wait for you at parks, Mum.

From your forgotten daughter,
Florence.
I love you.

My front doors hinges
soon have to be replaced.
And it's sad because
it's not just from old age.
The amount of people
that have entered my life
and then left, is phenomenal.
The roses in my front yard,
have also wilted and crumbled
see, they were forgotten and trampled
when you showed up.
Now their petals are just litter
on my overgrown lawn
which i no longer have the strength to fix.
and if the fact that my garden gnomes
were all smashed to pieces
isn't bad enough, then i guess
the wall paper thats peeling
is probably worse.
But it's cold in here,
everyone's ghosts seemed to have stayed
when they all left.
I'm alone in this house,
i'm alone in here
because these memories always fade.
My house is losing it's colour
even when i throw around the paint.

I once was a stone pilar in the middle of a plateau,
And I was everything for everyone.
But right now I’m at the top of a lighthouse,
Stranded in the middle of the deepest ocean.
And all those that care for me...
Are ships lost at sea.

But soon...
soon, I promise I’ll find my way back to land.
I’ll know what earth feels like again,
Without being eroded by rough swell.
I’ll be everyone’s everything.

And I’ll stand strong and tall,
As a beacon once more.

I lay on my back, absorbing the pressures
Of the rocks beneath me, I breathe.
Eyelids resting on now blind eyes, I feel.
I stretch out as high as possible and hold it...
Allowing each fingertip to tingle, arms fall.
A rush of blood and my eyes snap open,
I see colours never known to man,
Unpaintable by all extremes.
Now, I sit cross-legged
Rocking as the wind sways.
The small clearing expands, opening up,
I see more now than two 1800's explorers
Ever did as they searched the world for forgiveness.
Looking up, it has grown dark
A deep blue, a deep grey.
It proceeds to rain, closing my eyes,
I open my mouth as if to speak...
The taste of wilderness rushes in.
Heavier, precipitation grows,
Heavier and birds begin to scream,
Landing at my sides, eyelids open...
I remain still. Screaming songs so intense,
The birds, they start to dance.
A pair with the tango,
Three with the jive,
I smile... I'm alive.
Beckoning me to join...
We danced all night.

She's beautiful,
but she doesn't see it.
She's beautiful,
But she can't see it.
These thoughts that consume her mind
Drown out every compliment
This girl ever receives.
It's sad to see.
Never has she noticed
The amount of people around her
That love and respect her.
She can't see it
And that's what sad.
The most beautiful soul
I have ever met
But she's letting these voices
Get to her head.

I can't stand it.
She can't see it.

She's so beautiful.

It’s the memories of your fingers dancing across my skin at all the places you’d touch me so carefully.
Maybe you’re aware I’m already broken,
Gentle to avoid further damage,
Or maybe your first language is softness, delicate understandings of how to move with my body.

Stab your hand, right into my chest
and pull out my heart,
it's for you, but i'm too much of a coward
to extract it myself.
When you're done ******* this whole city
I'll let you know i love you
Becasuse I don't think its true,
not just yet.
In this desert I'm suffereing
and tomorrow it will rain,
Tomorrow never comes.
My feet never follwed the wrong crowd.
Sit and bow our silly heads
forgive ourselves for never living
But I really want you to know I love you.

These beasts and demons you speak of
these things you warn your listeners of
i am them,
the addictions, disorders, fears,
I am them.
They have become me, I accept that,
I am everything you all hate,
the lies, deception,
I am them
I am everything you despise in this spinning world
and I don't know how to escape their spells.

i.
I’m not cold I’ve just been shaking since you got home.

ii.
3/1/21
you told me I wasn’t enough

iii.
26/12/2020
“if you ever thought I didn’t see being with you for the rest of my life, you’d be wrong”

iv.
Everything you do makes me feel like I’m not enough, which means that every single day I ache. And you will never experience that.

v.
3/12/20
“You’re so beautiful, Madeline”

vi.
Remember when this was supposed to be forever?

vii.
The realisation of knowing you’re gone and what we had is forever over, will always sting and ache always.

viii.
We can start over again

I grew up too quickly
into a world that was never going to guide me.
My mother instincts revealed themselves too soon
Sadly, they'll never be used. ( i hope)
I fell down too hard
Onto a world drowned in cold concrete.

Strange the way things are so easily broken.
                     Even stranger is how delicate they are when built.
                     Like hands, small... soft and gentle on a baby
                     But so easily destroyed by another.
                     Hearts... not an element of strength about them,
                     But they suffer the most and yet...
They continue to beat...
Sometimes slower like mine,
       I feel the force of time
                   Slowing
            Stuttering at points
              And even SHATTERING.
we               A world too arid... too destructive and self imploding
breathe                To allow any such existence..... A Hero...
  sin                             We slaughtered the ones we had.
  and                               Jesus beaten and nailed to a post...
   saviors                              Burnt at the stake... I suppose.
                                                     Because we are scared.
                                                        Petrified and screaming from a man
                                                        That had mastered redemption
                                                        we corrupted the only hint of peace we imagined.
                                                        we are the masters of nothing.

Now as he floats in space with the stars we murdered to save our "souls"
We bleed empty bones and blame everyone else for our guns to our head,
Shaking... will you smile when you die....

how hard it is
to cut calloused skin.
how hard it is
to bleed the devil's blood.

Positive thoughts are packaged with depressing discouraging chants in a plastic punnet.
I don’t know how to cope with that...
So to satisfy the thirst of my ever dangling drought of accomplishment,
I jam the thoughts in a blender on top speed.
Wait for the deafening swirl of the blades to stop,
And I lap up the monotonously foul “you are going no where’s”
With the chewy chunks of “you got out of bed, welldone’s”,
Slump back into a rotting pine chair,
And I glide through the emptiness.

Your mouth bleeds
as your cracked teeth stumble over useless apologies.
"i'm sorry. I'm sorry"
that doesn't matter now.
no, it probably never did.
"HA HA HA"
these clowns laugh in your blood stained face.
Somehow
while they were preparing the concrete
you sunk to your knees
to pray to the god you never believed in in the first place.
Whispers of prayers
quickly became screams
as they stuck your feet in concrete blocks
chained you up
and sunk you at the bottom of the river.

Fill this pen with blood from the sink,
Bleed between the lines, let it soak me in,
Let all my pain, happiness, thoughts,
Become one with the paper,
The ****** blotches represent toughest times,
And the world smiles at the fading happy lines,
This is how I create my form of art; my poetry,
Every word is entirely me.

I saw you today
and everything
    just stopped.
My heart paused
                it's beat.
My lungs ached
                   and lost their air.
My head spun
       and then I fell off my feet

Onto the concrete pavement.
A fool I made of myself
                   Paralyzed by heartache
On the street.
And not ******* once
                            Did our eyes meet.
You barely even
                    Turned your ******* head.
There on that street
                         I sat
-Frozen and broken
                       And you...
You don't even care.
                                So much for "I love you"

we are the plague
the flesh eating,
soul disrupting plague.
we feast on your body parts
leaving only bones.
we're taking over the world
and the fleshy human race
will become a race no more;
nothing but mere walking skeletons
with blackening teeth marks.
they will wander
with us taking over the world.

the eyes are our favourite part
we'll send you blind
feeding on your visions
and memories leaving you shells.
you will just become
white noise in the army
which the plague is here to create.

I.
I sat in bed
With my monsters
Conversing about
Their favourite
Taunts in my head.
We play at the
Bottom of a lake
Making lists of
All the ways I'm
Going to drown.

I.
People leave huge
Holes in your spine.

II.
But flowers die,
Crumbling deaths,
For one heartwarming
Moment.

III.
An empty skull;
Suffocating... thoughtless breaths.
Trembling feet as I walk among the dead,
Are you afraid?

IV.
I'm afraid.

V.
"Unattainable"
What a throne I slouch upon.

If she studies this shade of white any longer,
She'll probably become it.
And if She refuses any more,
Society will win, She'll become paper thin.
Thinner than her.
Thinner than him.
Thinner than all of us.
It's all that matters.
Breathing doesn't mean a thing
If it's not this painful,
Food seems to clog her mouth
And she struggles,
She struggles to chew, to breathe
Struggles to exist.
She bleeds for beauty that isn't real.
Waiting for that body to disslove in mist.
Paper thin. Paper thin.
Take me away, down the drain
Drip me down this sink like a faulty tap
Let me drink every other girl's selfish thoughts.
I want to change something,
I want to change someone, anything at all.
Paper thin. Paper thin.

...I've been dying to know









                                               What's it like to love?

"Pink-haired parasite."
I think that sums me up quite nicely,
Thank you,
But you must understand, sir,
That I do not wish to be clingy,
Though, I cannot help it,
But I am broken and destroyed,
From my past and beyond it,
Too many people have walked out of my life,
For me to fully understand that everyone leaves,
My head too rotten by hate,
To ever fully accept myself,
And this heart too shattered and young,
To ever know not to fall in love,
Well, atleast not so quickly,
I am this horrible mess,
And I will not blame anyone but me,
So I apologize, sir,
That you couldn't handle this "pink-haired parasite",
Usually known as me.

I'm sick of dancing around in your pretty words,
Waiting for the truth; your point,
Say it as it ******* is,
Don't polish your words you negative ******* creep,
My heart doesn't bleed,
because your words, they don't hurt,
Your cheesy sorry songs never made sense,
Put down your diamond mask,
And give me your putrid words,
Try your hardest to hang me with them,
I swear, I swear I'll wriggle out of that ******* noose,
Don't ever think I'll crush and cave,
From your useless opinions,
You mean nothing to this brick incased heart and soul,
Don't be silly,
Your stares were never more than spotlights,
I love the ******* spotlight,
You're trying to destroy me?
Yeah... You and what army?

Your promises of forever and love
Were not permanent with devotion entwined.
They were empty and fractured.
A freezing reality of my deep seeded submissiveness (a poison).
Believing you was the vicious rumbling of my foundations.
Ferocious rattling amidst the tornado winds tore me to pieces.
A silver lining, though, reveals itself through everything.
Sometimes directly after the fact,
But mine shone through years and months later.

I’m better for it.

Maybe because at the time I wasn’t succeeding at treading flood water.
Maybe my lungs were too full of thick, black water that you polluted and brewed within me.

Either way, the gruelling wait.
The heart breaking, tormenting, torturing wait was so worth it.

I am better for it.

At each second I feel your toxins seep from my veins, my bones, my skin and slowly sink back into the ground.
And the space is replaced with a magnitude of better things.
Freedom… love… myself…