Your promises of forever and love
Were not permanent with devotion entwined.
They were empty and fractured.
A freezing reality of my deep seeded submissiveness (a poison).
Believing you was the vicious rumbling of my foundations.
Ferocious rattling amidst the tornado winds tore me to pieces.
A silver lining, though, reveals itself through everything.
Sometimes directly after the fact,
But mine shone through years and months later.

I’m better for it.

Maybe because at the time I wasn’t succeeding at treading flood water.
Maybe my lungs were too full of thick, black water that you polluted and brewed within me.

Either way, the gruelling wait.
The heart breaking, tormenting, torturing wait was so worth it.

I am better for it.

At each second I feel your toxins seep from my veins, my bones, my skin and slowly sink back into the ground.
And the space is replaced with a magnitude of better things.
Freedom… love… myself…

BLEE
         EE
              EE
                   EED!
Dig that ******* razor DEEPER into your wrists.
Practice what you preach, and show us you're not afraid.
Don't just scratch with a pin and claim to slash them.
Practice what you preach. Practice what you preach.

Lie, lie, lie, lie straight to my face
And tear out my heart
It pulsates in your hand
But it's black, black and dying
Look at what you've done!

Lie, lie, lie, kiss me and lie with your lips
My love spills out from my mouth
You drink it,
It tastes so foul! Spit it!
Spit it out behind closed doors
Where I can't see
And lie, lie, lie to me.

Say it. Say the putrid words
I long to hear
Say you love me with no meaning
It's all I want,
I swear.
I just wish to dissolve in your lies
Liar, lie, lie, lie to me.

Plastic hearts always melt first in a fire
And darling, I guess that means you're dead.
Ghouls and zombies,
Precious creatures, especially you.
Lie, lie, lie to me liar,
And tell me you're alive.

Give me your heart,
I'll treat it well,
I promise.
I'll stab a ******* knife
Right through it.
That's all you deserve
You precious, precious liar.

Are you still drinking every night?
Who do you scream at now?
Now that I’m not there to bear the brunt of your violent insecurities?
Help is an insufferable waste of air
When the one needing it is in narcissistic denial.
Part of me hopes the crumble of your career
Obliterates your shiny golden god complex.
The rest of me doesn’t give a ****,
Because after the years of manipulating and pain
I’ve torn the shackles, broke free
And you don’t mean a ******* thing anymore.
A forgotten false god.
Enjoy your downfall.
I won’t see it from my rightful throne.

If contradiction
was a meritable skill
I'd be at the top of the league.
Everything from fears
to opinions on government.
Everything about my head is
a contradiction
and no one understands.

I underestimated loves vicious abilities.
Love has
left us with nothing.
No lover
and no bestfriend.
We just evaporated,
vanished.
We were washed away
in rapid floods
of lies
and deception.

My life is like quicksand,
I continuously sink slowly,
Kick and drag myself up high enough just to gulp at air.
Then follows the slow descent.
I'm unsure of what's at the bottom
But my toes have tickled it a few times
Then the beast bellows and laughs,
Sending tsunami waves through the sand;
I roll like a ship about to be taken under by fierce swell.

Sometimes I think the quicksand is encased in my skull...
Sometimes I think the depths of the quicksand settle on the top of my spinal cord.
Sometimes I think I'm numb from the corrosive vibrations of the sludgy water-sand mix:
Jamming my nervous system, rusting it over.

But then the memory of pressure of your hand around my neck
Makes me forget the metaphor of the sand
And the make-believe depression.
And the blood in my nose, that drips and drys and repeats itself daily
Exists because you forced my head against the wall so many times.
Razors are not a comfort they are a fear and I still cough them up from my lungs.

I realise you are not terrifying
I realise that you do not own my life
You do not decide that I am real or fake or suffering.
I realise that you are only a scar
That I am slathering oils and remedies over
In order to make the red fade.
I realise that I am so *******
H A P P Y

One year on;
And I have overcome your disease,
Dislodged your putrid fangs,
Rebuilt myself,
Healed, cured myself...
Found a real person
Who knows how to love me
And teach me to love me.

My trauma dictates that I will never deeply believe that I am enough for the people I love.

My fear of failure isn’t a perfectionist, drive to succeed.
It’s a smothering fear that I have done you wrong.

And I’m not sure if I’ve abandoned all self worth,
because it’s never made the ones I love love me more when I feel worthy.
Or if it’s been stolen, burnt, or smashed a million times over
and I’ve been stuck in a groundhog day loop,
Shuffling all the pieces into a dust pan with my hands.  

What I’m trying to say is,
I can rebuild,
I can cut, rejoin, fade the scars away.
I can sit myself on the tallest tower,
Call myself a giant, the bigger person.

But I will never, never regain these segments of self worth when in 25 years a handful of people have continuously robbed me of them.
When something like that is missing, it must be substituted.
I need reminders… I am enough.

Repulsion always looked so good on you
when you'd find out about things I'd done,
Yeah, yeah I'm a teenage *****
But that ***** had *** on your floor!
And at school when you watch me,
It's like you're waiting to be shocked.
Shake your head at me, go on, do it.
You need to know, you're no ******* angel.
It's okay, It's okay. you can go smoke ****
and then judge me,
Cause hypocrites your second language, baby.

Stroll in,
Stay a little,
Take what you need…
What you desperately want.
Leave.
Leave.
Leave.
The door never stops spinning.
Earthquake, storm..
Not even a calm summer breeze
Can make anyone stay.

Nothing steadies the dizziness.
Nothing eases the gagging pain.
Nothing ends this.

I'm just the **** up
that you didn't expect
and oh, hell, i'd love to escape.
Conforming will eat my head off
injections of rebellion.
Smell the dead roses
and numb yourself
with immeasurable time.
Dance dance till your knees give in,
drink drink drink
til you're overflowing
with the devils brew...
scream obscenities at the lights
hold your breath
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
collapse
...
now breathe.

Maybe all the insane asylums are filled with Jesus's

and

Maybe all the churches are filled with maniacs.

and

Maybe all the schools are filled with dead beats

and

Maybe all the streets are filled with brainiacs.

and

Maybe businessmen are not in business chairs
     But hospitals instead.

and

Maybe doctors aren't lab rats in coats
     But witches beneath jungles.

and

Maybe all teachings aren't in books
     But in trees again.

and

Maybe all leaders are not statues
      But fell off the square edged earth.

and

Maybe politics is just what it seems
      *****-ish drunkards and rigged card games.

No,
The last dim glimmer of self respect
Will not die out right now.
I'm sorry, Boo,
But I will not show my ***** to you.
You filthy excuse for a human.
I'll staple your eyes shut one day
Trust me, I will and I can.
Such a horrible, horrible minded piece of flesh,
Does it occur to you that you're rotting?
Claim to be Christian, but um...
Are you still a ******?
Haha, Don't say yes, you're a lie
And you had your fun between her thighs,
I'm so glad you never met mine.

Let them know you're here-
Create white noise with your voice,
Their ears bleed silence.

Our lives are moving at the speed of light,
weaving our veins together in such symmetry
that it reflects rain like a window,
we become one and find our feet to rule

A lot of pain lately, a lot of second guessing.
Tossing and turning; picking my skull into tiny little pieces.
You've devised a grand master plan
Of bright lights, excitement and satisfaction of your seemly, as seen through a lovers eye, insane dreams.
But where do I fit into all of this?

I could sculpt the same 26 letters
Into a thousand different formations
And it still wouldn't be enough for you.

Unknowing of my, little but still existing, greatness;
You rip apart my limbs,
Dismember my colourful insides
(As I'm trying to paint you picturesque landscapes)
And replace them with fear...

And your control over me still isn't enough for you.

I'm going to make a collage
of all the things you never said
to me
And burn it.

I'm going to put all the pictures
of us together
in a folder
and burn it.

I'll make a list
of sentences
of words
that i remember
you spoke
and burn it too.

I'll compose an array of feelings
smiles and tears
that you left with me here
and burn it.

And if I could
I'd take every memory
from my
unforgetting mind
leave them in this house
and if I could
if only I could
I'd let fire consume this house too.

"Define happiness"
I left the page blotted with ink,
Obscure shapes and a vivid mental image
Of your beautiful face.

"De-def-de-de-Define h-h-happ-iness"
I scratched the self help CD
you left on the bench as I cried myself to sleep that night;
A year ago.
It came with a book
But I burnt it after I threw my glass of ***** at the wall.

Your face burns my mind
Like the bitter way you were scared to kiss my tongue.

You weren't sick but you were tired.
And how could I blame you for not being able to fix me?
Was I ever really broken?

"D-d-d h-h-h-ness"
I remember the first time I met you,
The first time you spoke my name, you choked.
I still feel the first kiss on the back of my throat like
A bad after taste I can't drown.
The first night I saw you naked;
I had cried into your shirt only an hour before.
I have never seen skin shine like yours does.
Emitting a ray of blood curdling beauty.

The thought makes me sick
But do you think you could
Come over for a while...
Get drunk like we used to
And forget what happiness is?

You found me
Shrivelled and collapsed
Wilted and completely withdrawn,
Dangling on the brink of death.
A shell of myself,
A prospect of what I was meant to be.

But you stopped…
Reached out,
Hands open,
Heart whole and bright,
Watered and held me,
Dragged me into the sunlight.

Unable to stand
You held the stake I grew upon
Kissed and nurtured and tended to me.
You let me rise and find my strength.
You showed me the warmth I’ve never felt.
I shone once more.

I’ve never been so loved, so supported…
So…
h o m e .

I’m so thankful.
I’m so happy.
I’m so me.

And I love you.

Preach your colourful knowledge of me,
From a jaw that could hold nothing more than a faint whisper of insincerity
And a flailing bird tangled on your tongue.
But when the rainbow bursts;
Don't attempt to rain materialism down on me
Stuff your grocery store heart shaped chocolates up your nose.
And stop dreaming up all the sadness I stand for.
I am not your fixer-upper-er.
I am whole, trust me,
The serpent rejoins once cut
And heals.
I am a serpent, rainbow and colourless.
Materialistic seduction...
Give me a minute while I puke fluro ***** on your shoe,
You are the needy one and I remain whole...  
Scuffed and cracked
I am healing, alone.
But I am whole.  
Mixing strings of blues, greens and pinks
Into one strand,
There are scars.

Like a wardrobe filled with too much ****,
The door that leads to you
Won’t shut, jammed by memories,
And of the constant need of you.
So I’ll leave it like that,
And let parts of you seep out
And swirl around me forever.

Of Her parents home
with blood gushing from her wrists
clothes that look like they've been through the shredder
bleeding mascara and the deepest holes for eyes
for once they'll crowd her, worried,
and ask,
"Who or, o-or what di-d-did this to you...?"
Her Mother will stutter through confusion
And the girl will reply with,
"It was me."
Empty and cold, She'll stand bleeding
Her mother will whimper and her father
is never anywhere to be seen.

Today, we spoke properly
for the first time in weeks.
It was the first time
since that ***** came along.
We spoke about
every weekend we'd spent together,
hand in hand
and smiles that matched.
We spoke about our plans
to be rebellious
and break into buildings
that no one else knew of.
We spoke of our silly
childish games we'd play.
You smiled.
I laughed.
And I looked,
in your eyes,
for all those feelings we felt
to come flooding back in.



They never did.

I'd give you everything,
but I can't tear this heart from my chest
and put it in a shoebox
tied with pretty ribbons and bows,
the cardboard would dampen
with tears and warm blood,
it would collapse and tear.

I would give you my heart,
But I can't give you second hand goods.

I stand alone at parties,
With a drink in my hand,
Watching my wasted useless peers
Then you walked up to me,
Already off your ****
And it's only 20 past 6.

"Oh, please. **** me."

Ha Ha!,
Silly boy,
I wouldn't even touch you
In your most crazy, *** driven dreams,
But I'll smile politely
And say,
**"Sorry, I've already forgotten your name."

With baron wasteland for a mind,
        Nothing much ever happens
And nothing much ever occurs to me
    But a thick loneliness
Built up like a mirage--
     I see words, happiness and stars;
Nothing good... Nothing real
     But dust in my eyes
And a dehydrated heart.

Sleep,
It scares me.
It allows my mind to roam.
The white canvas sleep creates,
Lets my mind paint terrifying pictures.
Some are images retold,
Others are oil-paint horrors.

Once asleep
I am no longer in control,
Sleep snatches the reins
Jumps off the horse
And watches it run wild
Through puddles of memories
And past feelings
Then, explores new caves.

I am afraid
of what sleep will let
my mind uncover
in it's frenzy of freedom.

Smoke that twists and constricts my lungs
is the same smoke that will blind you
And the ropes won't stop you falling
they'll just take you somewhere else,
the sadness in your eyes will never leave
and like chains it tightens around your head
Lungs won't rise and fall as mechanically as they should
and I love how your weaknesses are killing me
Because I never stood for anything
I've fallen for another life
I'm ashamed, these walls won't forget.
I hear our footsteps and I think,
How did we fade so easily,
How did we dissolve into the carpet.

Let the masses dance, 
Around your god-like spirit
Before they feast
Draining your eyes of good will
And your lips of pink. 
Breathe
Before they inhale
Your existance. 
Eat your own heart
Before they suckle on your pulse
And set fire to your hands
Letting the wind carry
The ashes to the devil.

She's petrified of your lying eyes
& can't you hear the pain behind her cries?
She hates the way you look me in the eye,
& you hide behind one pathetic lie,

Don't look at me like that if you say you love her.

Honestly,
How the **** did we get here?
& How the hell did you fill her with fear?
She's not the same person she was
Before you because,
She lived fearless, but you broke her system
In her head, she should've believed to them
When they said
"Soon after him, you'll be dead."

Words that tumble inside my mouth
Stab my tongue like daggers;
I bleed so much pain.
And I really do
I really want to scream these words
From the top of my lungs
But they burst.
This is tragic, this love.
Happier than blue birds that sing
But it hurts too much to even move a limb.
Crippling love, oh woe.
Crippling love, you will save me.
Because as much as it hurts,
You'll still be my rehab, dear,
A love infested detox
Ridding my body of the demons,
The demons that cut me from the inside.
Say it. Say it. Say it.
I can't!
Two words too powerful
They inject a paralysis poison in my veins.
Say it. Say it.
I would love to, but,
I can't breathe again.
I swear,
I swear I'll learn to say it one day,
With my last gasping breath.

Today has a weird air about it,
It’s sunny and bright and still
But it feels like mourning.

Is this preemptive?
Premonition?
Or a soft surrender to all my trauma.
A delicate laying down of flowers,
Soft cloths,
A blanket of tears
For versions of me that never survived
Or who were taken by the darknesses.

Everything creates haunting shadows of you.
I can't run from them,
Nor can I hide.
You follow me everywhere.
I can't escape.

But darling,
                    There's no need for such mutilation;
                a heart is lovely but one cannot love
             just a small piece of rythmic flesh
          torn from a person.
       The whole being
    must be loved.

There is no blood to be spilt,
only blood to water roses.

I flew into the storm
embracing fear
as the first lightning
struck the trees below.
fire broke out
and the rain fought it.
I was
drenched in fear
water
and electricity.
It was so beautiful
standing in the eye of the storm
considering if
marrying myself to nature
is a weird
and unacceptable movement.

With delicate, yet awkward, fingers
I edge my way down my throat
And loosen the cut you made on my neck.
Nails crawl through my flesh
until I hear the strum of my failing violin, cat gut, vocal chords.
An ear drum bursting TWANG;
Reminiscent of the s c r e a m s
You forced from my bones.

My body twists around the thought of your
Gaze pounding down my spine.
You’ve buried your way into my skin,
A burdensome parasite I can’t shake, or dig out.
Despite the number of nails I break
And bones I dislocate.

Fighting to get away from sleep,
suffocating,
I woke up.
Not quite together-
my mind wasn't sure what it was doing,
Only half aware of the blade that traced your initials on my wrists.

I stumbled
and roamed the house
staining the carpets with blood
eventually collapsing at the foot
of my parents bed, falling asleep once again.
When my Mother found me
she was scared and confused.

This dream was different to the re-occuring dream
i usually have.
Instead of watching the usual dream
of you taking your own life;
instead of seeing your face,
one i had known and loved my whole life,
morph into an unfamiliar being...
I had murdered you.

I retch, I retch and I retch and retch and I cannot dislodge the salt of your sweat on my neck. Like a curse, it has rooted its way into my pores and poisoned my veins. The searing pain of stomach acid in my mouth

Young children skip stones on the lake.
The boys, they "accidently" fall in.
Mistakes are the best memories made.
Laughter fills the sweet summer air.
On their chubby cheeks
the sun dances
and they breathe in
the lucious smell of springs late blooming flowers.
Summer is finally here.
Handmade Lemonade stands scatter footpaths
and lemon peels litter the street.
Lemonade 5cents
Daisy chains rest on the older girls heads
as they tan in the sun.
And in ten years time, polaroids will fill their walls
Of this beautiful summer
in the town by the lake.

I imagine you holding me,
While I sit and stare at the stars, for hours.
And you watch and smile
While my eyes hold the universe,
And your eyes carry the sunrise.
We're alive.
And I'm so glad I
Stayed around for this.

You said yourself that the world doesn't spin for us
So, darling, why are you looking at me like that?
You're the reason I don't like eye contact.
Never sure if you're judging or wanting me.
And you're coming across as a child.
Didn't your Ma ever tell you it's rude to stare?
Ah, darling, talk to me to sort this out
Because we left this situation so broken.
Are you scared? I am.
Are you ignorant? I know you are.
And... Is that a bead of sweat on your brow?
I suppose -
The only way I'd know is if I was staring at you too.

Every afternoon after school
I'd get to your house
as fast as my legs would take me
and let myself in through the back door.

Seeing your face as you spun around to see me
was the brightest part of my day.
Even though you had issues with your legs
you'd still get up as fast as possible.

Hugs off your Grandfather
who has always been like a father to you
is the best thing a girl could ever recieve.

You'd lead me into the garage
and I'd take all caution uncovering the machine,
the motorbike. The work in progress.
And the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You used to get me to hold the bolts while you ******* them in
because I have small hands that could reach where your warm ones wouldnt.
We'd spend hours on the Harley fixing it, building it.
Nanny would watch and laugh at how intrigued I was
because she thought that you'd bore me. You never did.

And when mother came it was hard to tear me away from the bike
I didn't want to leave. I wanted to help you finish.
But, I'd come back tomorrow and roll up mysleeves
just to hold more screws and listen to your technical talk.
I could sit for hours and just listen. You're so wise.
You taught me so much. I love you Grandad.