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 Jul 2013 madeline may
j
I was so willing
to let you hurt me
to let you break me apart
and see my insides
because I was broken
and desperate
and I didn't want
you
I just wanted
somebody
to love me

but you didn't love me
you tried so hard
to break me down
to tear me apart
and to destroy me

but darling, I came out of this
the eternal winner
because I am happy
and I have the ones that I love
while you are alone
wallowing in your self pity

and you came back
thinking that I would miss you
accept your apologies
and welcome you with open arms



but you were wrong
 Jul 2013 madeline may
Morgan
Two blocks down on the corner of 9th & ocean,
I can hear a hurried ambulance whistle
But I feel safe sitting Indian style in this
vast bed of ancient sand, permanently
warmed from it's time in the sun
I can hear the muffled whine of a baby crying
in some cheap motel a quarter mile east from here
But I feel like the only human awake tonight
My heart skips a beat with the rhythm
of the current as the night casts it's shadow
over this ***** Jersey city
I fall in love with nothing in particular
There's an amusement park sleeping
at the edge of the boardwalk, west
All of the lights look like floating neon clouds
reflecting in the dark sea that tosses before me
The Ferris wheel, towering over everything
reminds me that this world is endless
and my arms are not as big
as they feel to me, sometimes
I am the only person on Earth tonight
And perhaps I matter
I can taste the salt in the air
It leaves a stale tingling on my tongue
I draw focus to the lingering scent of
funnel cake and nicotine that swallows this place
And I know I'll be okay
There are a sneaker's footprints that lay
perfectly parallel to a set made with bare feet
heading toward the pier
I'm walking beside them and wondering
if they were here together
Or if they followed the marks of each other
In a lonely wandering stroll, much like me
Maybe they're just like me
i hate that horrible feeling              
when you catch something
but not quite                              
and you know          
its just going to slip              
through your fingers                  
and                    

hit the ground

and there's nothing                                        
you can do                                
to catch it properly                                            
as it clunks
and hits the floor
there's no changing
how it happened          

you just didn't                                    
grasp it                                                        
good enough                                  
f            
a  
l          
l  
i    
n          
g
 Jun 2013 madeline may
hkr
i don't speak science and
i don't speak God.
i wish i spoke either,
i wish i spoke both.
 Jun 2013 madeline may
j
being in love
was never meant to be this hard
and the stains and scars
that taint my soul
were all laid to rest there
by you

and when I look into the stars
all I see
are the many ways you hurt
and demoralised me

but in saying I love you
would be all but the truth
because honestly dear
I can't stand even the thought of you
 Jun 2013 madeline may
Annie
it took me 7 cigarettes and two cups of the blackest coffee to get over the fact that
2 months ago you ****** my best friend,
but I assured you I was,
am, not mad.
If anything I was happy
that you could finally say it.

I am regressing back to old habits that I thought I broke
and my Dad told me to say my prayers,
but I am too scared to tell him I gave that up
Everything seems foreign to me and
I can't sleep without my door locked.

You took a drag of your cigarette
a drag so long i got rug burns
on my eyes
you could have sunken a ship
with the way you burnt
your lungs and I feel so bad
for you.

the embers were blazing
reflections in your eyes
tired in from all the worrying
my fingers are stained black
and there are needle ******
all over my body
ash and the stingy
linger from past words
floating in front of your face
like a ghost that you can't quite see
but he ****** my friend
and i ****** him
and he ****** me up

there is nothing in my bones
there is nothing left for you
i threw out all of the leftovers
it all went bad
the refrigerator is empty
besides for beer and dog food
so i shut the door and go to bed
but somehow i still feel like i ate too much
i hunch over the toilet
and throw it all up
the cards are all out on the table
and i was dealt the perfect hand
but i missed my opportunity to win

I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just ******* angry
a house built on hot coals
its bound to burn down
god i wish i was sad
(or dead)
this is too destructive
and we don't have the money
to rebuild it all
I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm not perfect

I'm sorry I argue

I'm sorry I say the wrong things


*But I love you
And love makes you crazy.
 Jun 2013 madeline may
robin
only dead boys hold insects like they're something
special
only a dead boy would let a mantis in his heart and
preying was always a better descriptor
because hymns burned in my throat and
i scratched a cross into my palm but i was never lucky enough to scar
but
oh, dead boy
bug lover
enduring a thousand lashes to save the soul of a beetle  -
i'll help you peel off all your scabs to make sure they scar
thick tissue skin memory sometimes you think scars are the closest you'll get
to a wedding ring
you're a suicide king i think a kingdom of hearts was never the safest place for you i
don't think you understand the way your subjects' hearts are strung because
entomology entomos everything you love is cut to bits
and on the fourteenth of february you told me
the only purpose of a flower
was to hold
a spider
inside
and i guess that was why you painted all your walls with roses i
hope your garden  smells as sweet
covered in your misfortunes
only a dead boy would let
a praying mantis so close
to his neck
oh, you freak. disgusting.
i ate the last one that let me this close.
you told me {if i die
leave my body
in the forest
by
an anthill}
maybe you don't realize we were doomed from the start or maybe you're just naïve but
honey you're a dead boy and
corpses don't fall in love.
[you're so genuine it hurts and i think
i could teach you how to be a fake -
nobody likes an honest man
i could teach you how to hate the world but you said

{the only one
i hate here
is me}]

freakish child.
all you see in every rorschach is mantes and
decapitations and
wedding rings you are an aberration,
suicide king entomologist your throne room
was full of termites.
with hallowed cheeks and hollowed churches,
i will assure that you scar
dead boy, if you die
i will put maggots
in your chest
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