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Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
i just want to stop
stop feeling sad
stop feeling angry
stop feeling.

i just want to be happy
be pretty
be loved
be noticed.

i just want to be happy
but i dont want to be here
i just want to be noticed
but im slowly fading away
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
its late and i know
you probably
wont get this untill
the morning.

but i have to tell you
ive always
wanted to tell you

how i felt
to have you
next to me in my bed
holding me tight
pressed close to my
body

but i didnt know how
but i felt
light having you
there
holding me
touching me
kissing me

but now thats all gone
but i wish it
wasnt
because i dont just
miss you
i miss your touch
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
How can you say those things to me
how can you think of me like that
how can you feel like that about me

when you dont know me
dont know my secrets and flaws
my deepest and darkest hate
not only on my self but the
way i keep living

how can you be in love with someone
like me
who cuts
starves
binges
who is
ugly
hated
worthless

but i guess if i cant love myself
i may aswell let you love me
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
nowadays i want to see
you in my daydreams
when we were together
living the life we once
wished for before it
all happened and you
were taken from me
by him
his words
his torment
im sorry i couldn't
save you before it
was too late
now im laying here
wishing you were here
and not 6 feet under
cause last time i saw
you, you were hanging
from a white rope
necklace with your last
words not even once
mentioning me
but you will always
know i loved you and
now its too late to show
you and im sorry
but ill promise you
ill see you soon baby
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i loved you.
but you ripped my *******
heart out,
when you came back
to me with her
taste still fresh on
your lips!
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
they say destroy everything you love,
before everything you love destroys you.

so I took that advice and tried to destroy myself,
why?
because when I was younger I got told,
if I didn't love myself no one else would.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
take a selfie
to show the true me
no make up messy hair
baggy T's

but no this is the way you see me

take a selfie
add some ****
with my hair in my face
and over done makeup

to me i see myself as "perfect"
and everyone will love me..
yet night after night
i tear at my skin and cry myself
to sleep..

but you will never know the real me!
you judged me before you could
find out,
so *******
and your judgemental
******* thing you call your personality!

im so ******* done, with you
your **** and my life...

so dont act sad when i dont
come to school,
dont act sad when you find
out i passsed.
because honey you dont really care!
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i mean, i guess..
if you were a pill
id overdose!
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
im fading slowly
into the backround
of nothingless

no one will notice
untill its too late

they wont care untill
its been broadcasted
across the news

with the headline
local girl takes own life
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Im sorry i scared you
im fine
im here
im alive
im breathing
im living

i know i may not want
to at times
but i cant leave
leave you
now anyway.

im sorry
but im here
safe and sound
im not going anywhere
anytime soon
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
I miss you in winter
when its cold
and I have no one to cuddle

I miss you in storms
when you kiss my forehead
as the thunder crashes

I miss you in my bed
our bodies together
lips locked and hands intertwined

I miss you.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
what do you see when you
look at me?

a young teenage
girl
with blonde hair
and brown eyes
bad makeup
and chubby cheeks

what do you think
about when you
hear my name?

shes pretty chill,
oh shes nice
shes a ****
i hate her
**** herself already

tell me honestly!
i would like to know..
how to change
improve
fix my imperfections.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i scream
i cry
i hate myself

i yell
i scream
i tear at my skin

okay i get it,
you will never love me
cause no im
not her

im not pretty
or funny
or skinny

so this is why
i yell
and scream
and hate myself

because i know
ill never be her
and you will never love me

but i was hoping
just once to hear those
words
but what the **** was i
thinking

im sorry
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
is this how you
want it to be?
yes...
then pull the
******* trigger.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Isnt it strange to think
that in this very moment
as we speak
someone is lying alone
on their death bed
contemplating between life
and death
reigniting love with
an old lover
to be tightly wrapped in
an warm embrace
or even writing a suicide
note.
considering different ways
to say goodbye?
right this moment
someones heart is beating
rapidly from a first ****
and someones is shattering
from a goodbye..


..... Goo...d By.....e
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
i tried
i ******* tried
i poured my heart out
i ripped my skin apart...
just for some closure
and you didnt even bother
you saw i was hurting
and you saw i was crying
and i tried
i tried to stop it
i tried to be everything you
needed
everything you wanted
but i was never enough and
im scared ill never be
so i dont know if i should
if i should keep trying
or should i give up
like i have with everything else
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2017
Its been a while since ive picked up a pen and paper
but been even longer since i picked up a blade

ive come to live with my insecurities
my imperfections
my mistakes

i dont need makeup to be beautiful
i dont need to starve myself to be happy
i dont need to loose weight to be skinny

im me for a reason
i have scars for a reason
i have differences for a reason

it may have taken me a while to figure this out
but everything takes time...
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
ive missed you,
like not just a little bit
but a lot.
actually heaps!

ive missed your face
your voice
touch
your feel

ive missed everything
about you,
and i want it back
i want you back

I WANT US BACK
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
I want to end it, but what do i do. Where do i go?
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
i wonder what its like

to wake up and love yourself

to look at your reflection and not want to cry

to stand on the scale see the number and not want to puke

to stand with your friends and not feel ugly

to go shopping for clothes and not feel fat

to not be ashamed of your self harm scars

to go into public places and not feel insecure

i just wonder

what its like to wake up and love your life
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
kiss me on the mouth..
hold me tight..
kiss my neck..
grab my waist..
but please dont bite..
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
It wasn't his kiss that
kept me for
more
it was the
taste of his skin...
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
I love you.
He hit send. Then a tree
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
Last night, I did not think of you once ...
Every time I lifted the can to my lips, I knew you were just memory !

A tasteful, hurtful memory !
One that I can't get rid of the taste ...

Maybe I didn't .. Maybe I didn't forget you last night ! I just thought I did ..
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
As you fall, not knowing the
outcome
hearing his voice one last time and the
words..

I still loved her.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
laying her down,
kissing every inch of her sweet,
warm body.

biting your neck,
scratching your back,
tearing at your skin.

gasping, moaning, screaming.
giving you what you want.

lay me down..
please me..
tease me..

for fill my addiction, my craving
my cure!
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
come here
and lay with me
in baggy t-shirts
with nothing on underneath
under the sheets
lets cuddle
keep close together
holding me tight
kissing me softly
until we fall asleep
so come lay with me ...
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
the only thing i
miss about you are
your lies.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
tell me one more lie?


               i love you.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Lies are the scars
you produce on your
skin.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
i swear



     when i looked



          into his eyes



               i saw my life end.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
It all started with yelling and screaming, some nasty comments here and there it’s my entire fault, I’m not the perfect child you asked for and trust me i know i never will be. I’m sorry I’ve made mistakes and I’m a massive **** up......
if in was here for a reason it better be a good one because i don’t know how much longer i can stay in this household and ratchet excuse I’m meant to call my life I’m only at the age of 17 years old and have been told i have so much more to live for but that must be all a joke on my behalf if I’m a failure at everything i seem to do
as the rain drops on my face I can't help but feel as though I was made to cry. I was made to be weak. I was made to be a stain of mascara sludge. but then i realized if it weren’t to rain I’d still be in this situation I’d still be the one crying, i swear I’m made for internal misery..
Some are just born with tragedy in their blood i mist be one of them, but all i can do is ******* hope as i lay on the road with the rain falling all around
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Taking my life wasn't
always the plan.
but when the time was
right thats all i
thought.
Maddii Lloyd Nov 2016
Life. what what does it mean. when does it really start and when does it end?
what do we get out of it, why does it go on? why dont all of us end it short, when does the pain of it start?
why do some have it better then others, why cant we all be happy? why doesnt the struggle stop.
when will it get better? who decides what happens, why do they decide what happens. why dont we ever get a warning when things are going to happen? we never are prepaired for whats next, but thats life its one big adventure
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Just lay on the shower floor,
crying in a little wall whilst cold water runs over you...
because its the only thing you are good at.
plus no one cares get it through that thick skull of yours.
Just remember what we were talking about
the other night yes? no..
well let me remind you my little insomniac
you are worthless
ugly
useless
hated
and no one loves you or likes you
remember now? thats what i thought.
have fun.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
living, means fighting the demons,
drowning without water,
taking your life whist still living.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
i hope my Prince charming
my Romeo
my one true love
will visit me one day
even if im
not aware and one day sweep
me off my feet.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i love you.. he said walking out the door.
i loved you.. he said walking out my life.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
heart pounding
so loud,
unable to lift my
head,
give me love
like you give
to her,
its one thing i
ask of you,
i just want to feel
loved again,
loved by you.
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
if you love me prove it.
dont ask me how,
ill leave that up to you.
dance
sing
write
i dont know.

oh right i forgot im not her
you dont love me
you never have
you never will
and i guess ill have to be ok
with that.
so dont bother
singing
or dancing
or writing

i wont hold my breath because
i know the day
the day ive dreamed of for
so so long will
never come.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Maybe its not your
skin i can feel against mine..
Maybe its not your
lips pressed on mine..
Maybe its not your
hands wandering my body..

But i wish it was..
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
worthless.
stupid.
nothing.
useless.
pathetic.
pointless.
fat.
de­pressed.
ugly.
Me.

pretty.
funny.
loved.
skinny.
worth it.
amazing.
useful.
nice.
beautiful.
Her.

now do you see why
see why i want to be like her?
want to be skinny, to be pretty
to even be loved?
to know what it feels like to have
skin against skin.
So please just let me
i dont want to be here anymore
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
early in the
mornings when i
think about you.

i hope you
like what your
seeing.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
I don't want to be a mother and have my children running their small petite hands over my scars and reminding me of the past, running their hands over them and asking what happened, running their hands over them and going mummy ouchies it will break my heart.....
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
your the reason
my heart is beating,
without you im nothing
im gone, im a lifeless body
that everyone once new..
but no one cares im
gone untill its
too late..
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
you keep me running
running out of breath
you keep me chasing
when i know ill never
catch you
you stole me heart
and now i want it back
i dont care if its in
1 piece or 1000
i want it
i ache knowing you
have it
using it for the wrong
reasons
walking all over the
love i gave you
giving it to someone
else
when its meant for me
you promised me
but now its too late
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
Who wants to play a game of never have I ever ?

Rules, I'll say something and if you have never done it .. Lower a finger !

Let's start !

Never have I ever cried myself to sleep ?
Whoops there goes one
Never have I ever self harmed ?
Whoops there's number two
Never have I ever starved myself ?
Whoops number three, I'm good at this !

Oh I forgot to tell you the looser dies :)

Never have I ever used the words "I'm fine" ?
Fourth finger down !
Last question ...
Never have I ever fallen in love ?

Closed fist I won, time to say goodbye, it's okay don't be sad ! I've
Been waning to go for a long time ...

Thanks for playing my game :)
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
you cant keep shutting me out,
especially when your causing
pain to yourself.
it tears me to shreads, knowing
one day you may never wake
from the ongoing nightmare
you call life.
but i want to help you,
i need to help you because
we can all make it through
our nightmare.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
"No" he says
"its a 2 letter word it doesn't mean
anything " she says
"i love you" he says
"you dont mean it" she says
as she hangs up the phone and




jumps......
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i dont know what
to think of you anymore,
you are nice and
kind, sweet
and inncoent.

well to my face anyway!

but as soon as
we change our
directions and walk
away, you change
rude and disrespectful
ugly and hatred

what did i do?

but i try
and make things right
i smile and laugh
act happy when your
around, but knowing
what you really think
of me kills
me.

but im sorry, ill just leave '
your life this world
maybe then you
will be happy
okay?
okay?
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