you draw your breathe
pause and sigh
the lyrics are the same
but i know you're telling me
in the notes below
we're closing in  

i let you sing
we do our dance
play it out

bite my tounge
from spilling my love on you

still
you know i do
i know you do

we always sang it
through the wind

ringing silence
in the quite afternotes
and i wonder how long
we're gonna hear
our song

and the world seem to shift in colour
disrupt it's grey
when you cross my way

morning rises
crispy air
flower buds bursting
dawn is here.

filled gazes
behind empty glass
loud thoughts
overthrowing silent feelings

new morning
new dawn
same walks

just like still water
dying to stream

by the window
looking out
changing shape
to fit the box

don't wanna run
away
but where's my
to

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake  

hidden moon
blinded
empty nights

so complete
and still
so completely alone

our daily fights
breaking into laughter
mid-way trough  

our world
falling apart

and how I loved you
so fiercely
it took my sense away

you and I
our first of all

nothing was ever more
sincere
and nothing ever as
afflictive
again

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake

and after all years
how you linger in me
still

who are we?

we do not fight
we do not fight

except when this
returns in waves

you
feeling
unprioritized  
unloved
scared

me
feeling
insufficient       
hamstrung  
lost

you are
my only
one  

i spoke of you
around the globe
through the stars
and back

you made a
home for me
warm and bright
no strings attached

we never fought
we do not fight

but this one
these fears  
never seem to
fade

what will it make of us?

so my one cat
are on a diet  
fat as a bun
marshmallowly white

the vet sais
i can slim her down eventual
if i change her food
and that it is essential

my other cat
are not  
furry like a fandom  
gingerly walnut

everyday
my ginger cat lifts my mood
he purrs and stroke my legs
so i'll bring him his non-diet food

when he gets it
he walks away into the hall
so my white cat can enter
and eat it all

in return
my white cat joins me in the sofa
purring and sweet
makes me think she needs me
brings me to my feet

she walks me to the door
where i see my ginger cat outside
waiting for me to let him in
(ignoring the cat door just beside)

we have our games
i know they fool me, absolute
but i can't help it
they're just so **** cute

"Let's take a walk. Just as friends, I promise. For old times sake, let's just talk"

So as friends
I ended up pinned down on the snow  
hands inside my shirt and forced to a kiss when I clearly said no
then simply left alone on the ground  
because apparently to you my no meant 'let's fool around'

just standard procedures with all your friends I guess
why should I expect anything less

as my friend
you told my boyfriends
behind my back
I wasn't one to keep

so when I was down
you could comfort me
as a friend
and maybe stay to sleep

I was told to see your behaviour as signs of love and be flattered
and that I maybe
anyway  
should have known better

like this precious friendship
was a perfectly logical consequence
of me ending it, telling you no
and therefore having too much confidence

but I can't mistake your lack of respect for love
and I have a right to choose the latter
besides, I firmly believe
you always were the one
who should have known
better.

sometimes
i think all we ever do
is fall in love with the same person
over and over
in the shape of someone new

most of the time
unnoticed
but sometimes I get that feeling
and I cannot breathe

I don’t mind
the world between us
it doesn’t separate us you see

but I do mind
that it makes it easier to hide ourselves

and nothing scares me more
than the apprehension
that you might not feel ok

i miss
your giant sleepy-head
and cute ****
your cozy morning face  
and sleep walks

long for
our night talks
and shared jokes
your rowdiness
and falling asleep on the wrong side

catching up
after long days apart
wet kisses
before depart

we always valued
independence
and following our dreams
but 355 miles apart
today
it makes me value your presence
just a little bit more

to like or not to like
that sure is the question

if i don't like
then maybe you'd think
i'm bitter

that i've seen the picture of you two
and simply
did not like it
which then ofcourse would be the case

i do want us to leave all hustle behind
and value or friendship
for real this time

if i like
then i would surely place us
as just friends
and at the same
erase all historical bounds  
make sure to say
you're just any friend to me now

i'm not sure you ever gonna be
just any friend though

i cherish our past
and future
equally

is there a click for saying
i'm so happy you finally fell
luckily in love
please remember and value me
anyway  

kind regards
your former love
and
present friend

i can feel the new ties
binding

is this it

the end of
blurred lines
yearning gazes filled with
misunderstood
silence
  
constant conflicts
between the need to live
today
and desperately survive  
tomorrow

is this when we finally
adjust
to life

like they all did before us

we always did
dwell
too long

you look happy now

is this when we at last
leave love
and turn to
friendship

you bring me back
to yellow walls
and a see trough personality

I guess you had your problems
as well

regardless of
we both ended up
in the same place

but I really hate
how you make me feel

slowly
putting pieces back
shattered all over the floor

it's a no win in some ways
the longing has no end

the warming words comfort  
but always on the way
wrap it up
miss you still

until next time

When did it all
modify
to this

I can see
their dark eyes
longing
but I can't
no I can't
stand still
for you

I don't mind
being left behind
days like these

seems like I search
for moments like this
the ones who never last

do I want to feel
something again
more than just
indifference

do I need to feel some
difference

more than just
stupor
more than just
happiness

one day
it will have to come back
it will have to
catch up with me

why do I
stand still
just long enough
to watch you walk

filled with
facilitation
mixed with
craze

I can stay
I can fall
but I never stand still
long enough
to actually
pursue
any of my plans

and you don't ever
walk back
to me

heat me up
prevent me from
turning into
hard
blue
water

crystal-clear ice

i looked down at my hand today
all bruises gone
hadn't even realised they were fading

after all this time
i'd come to peace with having them
guessing they were that type who'd always last  

all the shattered glass
have since long  
left my body

five years in
all that's left
is a small scar  
against my wind-bitten hand

why on earth did we need the feeling of pointless to survive milions of years ago?

do you remember telling time by stars? and trading places at dawn?

how are you? do you miss your grandpa? how's life?

will we ever be ok?

i miss you.

your
replies
jokes  
talks
gazing stars
arm to arm
convert ideas

never
and far too
alike

on my own
on the run
night
days

it's been years

will it ever pass/change/end

retrieve you
from the back of my mind

dust you off

when i read us
all over
hidden words
fall out

were you maybe
telling me
all along
between the spaces

there would come a time
you'd have to leave

such a mess
we created
you and i

in that chaos
if i could've folded our story out  
on a table in front of me
painted out
objectively

read it all out
as facts  

as it is
our last written trace
five years ago
didn't count for much to the world

'Relationship?'
'Yes'
'Serious?'
'Yes'
'Fun'

however
stumbling over it tonight
it contained our whole world
phrases down to five

deep in depths
we kept our calm
brought bliss
and held us warm

now someone else
will be around
for the breakings
and when you stand your ground

you made your choice
to me it's clear
there was something more worth  
than me being there

nothing more
i'll miss our past
but i was never yours
to last

i wish
the peach silence would
reach you

so you'd finally
see
why i had to leave

but through the rear
of the moon
and the skies reflection

i think we forget
we're allowed to grieve
either way

american mouth playing

i remember it well
still it makes me paralyzed
thinking of it

drowning me with sorrow
bringing me out
on the run

but if i leave
there are people here
being left behind

someone with a voice like yours
in that white glas building thousand miles away
brought you to place

i had forgotten
what your presence offered me

it wasn't all imaginary comfort and pitch black
i spent time with you for a reason

so then joy was back
and i wondered maybe we would manage to get along
to mean something else
these days

but a sight of an ignorant try to make peace
or simply deny
with no reply

and how it breaks me down

it wasn't all laugh and deep talks
my memories became aching for a reason

i had forgotten
what your presence asked of me

you once said
rather cheat and loose
than win fair

mis-user
always a liar

you were already underneath it
when I met you

laid down
for some time
the rain became dry

always needed something new
to speed it up

dig your own grave
when did you start

contradictious
you would never
yet you do

back then
you couldnt care less
until I walked

despite all that
now and days we always smile when we come across

and somehow
everytime I see you
Im stunned by
how increadible beautiful
you are to me

still it always comes back to me
in the end

stay in touch you say
after holding my hand
always in the moment

my old love
you could go anywhere
and I hope you will

but for now
youre still under it, arent you

you can make even the greyest wall
gain colour

okay
crush me
and every word who stood a chance
shattered glas in your hands

paint it out
my empty wall
find the thread
behind it all

cut it off
slice it through
ruin everything
I was to you

talk me down
don't reminisce
I swear
it feels just like this

does he share  
your point of view?
and what the ****
can I do?

- rumours

fall
for us
the sky
cries itself
empty

resting in your eyes
are dreams
I never
reached

in grey layers
below
we see it all
but nothing ever
lingers  

the sky
falls
cries itself
empty

for us.

so I guess this is me
googling exes on a Friday night

rain shattering outside
cozy socks on

peculiarly enough
it’s always been a sign of ease
for me to
roll in the depts
relive anguish
squeeze out the last agony

I do love
to dream
and feel

8:26 pm
maybe I should call it a day
dive into bed
socks still on

such a wild Friday of fun

i envy you
at times

you have always been
all or nothing
black or white

once in
youre in it for the long run
and if you leave
youre not ever looking back

i remember how it used to scare me
being either one of those

the one you stayed for
the one you left behind

i always keep my mind in the clouds
all i ever felt
preserved neatly inside of me
dying to wear out
dying to get out

filled with contrasts
bursting with pasts

i curse my abstruse heart

always so restless
always so incalculable

i do wonder
if you feel my uneven heart beat
when we lay still
or if your peaceful ways
simply
smooths my irregular ways out
inconspicuously

it’s easier to think of you
the way you constantly fell in love
making me just one in the line
of all your miserable loves

you always seemed to choose the
impossible ones

(it’s harder to think of how you told me
and the room filled with sleeping travelers
that this isn’t about wanting the unattainable
this is something unfeigned)

it’s easier to think of you
the way your silence reached over days
impossible to get to
constant involved deep in your pain

you always seemed to feel
the world did you wrong

(it’s harder to think of our long talks
safely protected by the night
mixed with tears of laughter
and well-hidden secrets from our past)

it’s easier to think of you
and how your stubborn ways made everything
so incredible hard

you always seemed to find comfort
in beating me to our end

(it’s harder to think of all that trouble you put yourself through
just to make me happy again)

it’s easier to think of
that anxious person
i’d become with you

i would be the perfect one
for you to leave behind

(it’s harder to think of the fact
that i still think of you
despite all that)

i know
the idea of you
is pointless

nevertheless
today
i dream of you
like i tend to do

in that valley
where i left your kiss
hanging in the air

i could feel you waiting
for a change of heart in me

my heart never changed
it still beats with the same
ambiguous beats

i cannot remember
our night time talks
and forget our burned down silence

all the same i try

tingling agony
desperate for your gaze

i cannot shake you off

longing for your absence
to pass

what if I wake up
three years from now
days eloped

everything I stayed
and walked for
like melting ice

shattered blank sheets
in pace with everything else
falling into place
finding home

what if at last I see clear
and all is passed

what if its fear making me stay
what if its fear making me leave

in air
all thoughts fall
free

and I want it all
desperately

everyday an adventure mixed
with peace

all the same

run
never blaze the fire
bare feet breaking new ground

what means most
to me?

I always reach the same answer
lay down
back in bed
with you

months passes by
and then
slowly

I circle around
back
to the same
piercing fears

after all
he’s immortal
but only a memory
for anyone
left behind

you can still feel
the empty seat
and no words erase that
but all still try

when he died
his life was filled with them
until his dying breath
and the main part of his life
involved them

but for them
he will always be a chapter

in twenty years
they’ll still remember
their best friend
from school

always a memory
always undying

on everyones lips
but unspeakable

and still
only a part
of their lives

Eighteen years
and he was gonna graduate
the coming year

his smile
said to be
the most beautiful
and all agree

how different it all was
without knowing he’d be gone
the year to come

his family
facing facts
but did they ever accept

his dad
was gathered

who had and will have
the hardest time to take it in?

his mum talked to God
his son was gonna enter
one day
did she ever accept
that day was gonna come soon
or did she always pray
for a little more time

did they ever stop hoping
that they wouldn’t be forced to bury
their son?

and the love of his life
they settled down
although deciding not to marry
she sais he never stopped talking
about their future

and now
every coming day
will put his last breath
further away

we saw each other grow up
and they cannot go back
to ordinary
because he’s not

I wonder when they knew
if they ever believed
that he wasn’t gonna be there
one day

she sais the pain grows bigger
every day
the lost gets more substantial

this town will not ever be the same
because he was gonna live
just like every one of us
until he died
and everyone knew
and it broke us down

the big people
they bleed
and the small people
they bleed

how can we not
after this?

when I saw her walk in
at his hour of commemoration
I never heard pain so load
never seen despair so clear

and his best friends
their eyes were not the same
so tired
and their bodies couldn’t take it
carry them up

how can we keep on living
our lives after this
and still,
how can we not?

when we have what everyone wanted for him
what he wanted most

we have our lives left
and we too
are gonna live
*until we die

all I need to hear from you is that

you're sorry for ******* this up
sorry for making this
so unbearable for me
sorry for stepping on me
on my last attempt
up

won't you just tell me that

you forgive me for not always
giving you my all
but tell me that you know I did my best
at many times
and that you're sorry
you didn't

all I want from you is an apology for

showing me no respect
or heed
chrushing my last shred of
self-respect
and then leaving me
for her

all I want

is a sign of
soul
in you

won't you just
care
for me

now when we lost
everything else

I guess there's a million ways
to make it alright

a million reasons
to win this fight

but I cant wake up
and I cant begin

I cant even get your words
to sink in

somehow its easier
to place you in categories

ignore your names
your eyes, your storys

you're too angry
and show no respect

there's even something wrong
with beeing too perfect

I do this
so that we cant part

because it simply cant end
if I wont give it a start

Write to me ****. Talk to me instead of the air above me. (Even though I am shorter) Maybe I should write myself. Or move on. But I wrote before and I can't change the latter.

Same class
junior high

you were placed beside me
making me nervous
I remember

but in time
you were my warmth
when things were growing colder

before that
they tried to match us up
she never told the whole story
and we didn’t fall

I want to blame her for it all
but you were searching for perfect
so I reversed

in comment for us both
is that she hurt us terrible
but we ignore that

she doesn’t affect us at all anymore
right?

but she does
and I hate having that
binding us together

it always drifted us apart

the last months
in junior high
and I allowed everyone
but myself
to make my choices

a diamond in your eyes
only for the others voices
for you I always was a dream
for someone else

a beautiful image

we weren’t so beautiful
at all
aboard
at hand

now
I want to remember you
the way we were
when we were both still dreaming

before colliding
turning friendship
into hazard love

and maybe one day
I will be back
outside your door
hanging around
ignoring your noes

sometimes you came
sometimes you didn't

we never cared
you were my friend
it was easy
we didn’t worry about
the end

I still wonder what your
truth is
for all of this

who would have thought
back then
that we would
share it all
and tear it all apart

I find the key
Trick the door open
Ride the tiny elevator up to the third floor
Unlock your door

Everywhere is signs of you
Feelings of ease

I water your plants
Make sure they're happy
Return your hair dryer on your kitchen table

Look around
Sigh

Walk out
Turn the key
Feel the handle
Make sure it's locked

Elevator down
Ground floor
Walk on out

Back again on Wednesday

12.05 and you're back

I don't know how to be me
around you  
I know nothing  
but to fall again
sooner or later

and it frightens me
the way your rain always linger in

so I hear myself out
convince myself that somehow
this time
my no will be enough

But,
16.25 and still
I have no waterproof reply

I can't write out the silence. The absence of your breath. You never made it. Who wants to be, honestly. In the middle of it.
Isn't life supposed to be more than this.

I can’t count the amount of times you’ve saved me
since first class and up to seventh’
where I was lost in life
you guided my way
so meaningful

after that
when I made my hardest choices
which shaped me
you were right beside

in some cases
you were the first one I turned to
thoughts I haven’t even dared to think about by myself
with you
they became sentences
with reason

sometimes
you were the hardest one to talk to
admitting to you
meant reality
and finally letting go

green summer grass
wandering around
all options are open
that’s how it feels with you

when I broke down
winter snow
pointless

sitting in your bed
took away the feeling of
meaningless

I don’t know how
but
soft warm pillows
comforting and isolating
it felt just like that

the world gained brightness
and color
once more

now I can see your sorrow
and I want to surround you with blankets
life won’t disappear from you
I promise
it’s okay to rest your head

and sometimes
life doesn’t take us where we’d hoped
but we'll figure it out
somehow
we always have

green fence and
water wars
old diarys collecting
thoughts
our land by the
rainbow
turkish delight and a pleasant invite to
the kids party
your summer resort
and mine
throwing snowballs at kids
making videos
and songs
just dropping by
doing nothing

eighteen years
still counting

you are
and will always be
my good friend

Black big circle on the left side
dark mist, undiaphanous
a bit in the way but still,
like the moon
on the other side of the globe

right side a grey foggy one
for what can be
paint it over
but not as dark as the first one
after all its not finished yet

a long sinuous road in the middle of the two circles
moving around them, stirring
not too close but still bound to them

one unpacked, filled bag

the first one
painted so dark you could tell it must have hurt
whatever hidden under is well hooded

the latter one
so insecurly filled
nothing certain
all unsettled

might add some colour
to the road

What if almost everything
begun with you
all those half-moments
disguised in the back
covered up in black

that creeping feeling
under my skin
a silent trapped revolution
dying to break free
choking on the pressure of someone elses need to own me

a constant conflict
an equal yearn to be as central as unseen
always on first and second place
the need to seek approval in every meeting face

what if every dying love
every trapped emotion
begun with us

because what you asked of me
for ten long years
I could never give
the pain from our scars never found ease
and we never did
make peace.

i will be a woman
in every land i enter

and when i return
i will be whomever your lips
have made me into

i have never been able to own
my story
my future
myself

i have always belonged
to someone else

like you said
in green agony
'you were mine first'

but don't you see?

i was never yours

how could i?
when i have always been mine

first
and foremost

day by day
the revolution approaches
day by day
we rise