i can't translate
the words from our pages

they were born out of swedish syllabics

formed by
the dialectic way
you formed your lips
around j's
so different from me

the shifting distance
in our pauses
silently inviting the other one
to pick up

the rytm
in our morning talks
melodies from your tongue  
seconds before  
you break into a smile

our memoirs
are coloured by the
raw cold winter
sprung from northern skies  

and they just won't
render
into something else
despite my aching need
to write you out

i call you.
because i
cannot
stand
this

im not ok.
simply
breathing
takes too much

my emptiness
pour out

you answer.
say hi,
and ask me
how i am

and
i tell you.
fine.

alongside
stillness
grows
the storm

the closer you get
the further i reach

your presence
create spaces
where your shadows will
hollow

underneath
your dreams
im untold

[you pull me closer]
[are you leaving]

with the same intensity
felicity
sorrow
tenderness
rage

little by little

what if you stay
what if you leave
im equally afraid
of both

will there be anything left to feel
when we lay to rest
at last.

and they all applied to the consequences of your absence.

i've been raining dry

all you left behind
running through the
drains
beneath my feet
in my palms

i feel like
you stole
me

all my seasons

how i used to
burst with spring
summer rain
linger brightly
against the crispy snow
coloured by
the fall

but now
i'm nothing
but

endless
descent

how can anything
come of this

sometimes
i wished we never
would have set fire
like we did

i've been living in our ruins   
ever since

it's been nothing
but  
november
since mars

and everywhere i look
i see ashes  
from our
outset

it's supposed to
spring life
to new seeds
these forest fires
i've heard  

but it's been
so long

too long

and i still don't sleep
without you
where you've been

did you get the best of me

what will happen to
your newly bought home
all your dreams
half finished

will someone sell your
apartment
your furniture

what about your clothes
all the lonely socks
spread around your bed
your laundry
half washed dishes
all your accounts

all the things I wrote to you
unread

what happened
to you
all that was
you

when you died

get stuck on me
like you were at times

around your kitchen table
in the reflection of your eyes
i could be
everything
anything

in the corner of your bed
i hear the future
in your breath

you see
dreams
in the hair
behind my ear

but
you close your eyes
breathe out
my hair falls out
again

everything is passing
with you  

ending.

it can't be you.

you are too lucky.
in all.
(no, not all)

you are too fortunate.
always stumbled across success.
(you were raised by a beater,
alcoholic)

but you are a survivor.
you are. you are.

you can't have been on that plane.
no you just cant. you can't.
it's not like you.
(but on sunday's you almost always are)

i long for your reply.
"no thank god i'm fine"
(my god. you are not usually this silent)

.

rest well.

feverly searching
for that toxic taste
of gasoline

light my match
on your air
conscious clean

all i am
are explosions
and the time between them
on the floor

gathering my parts enough
to set myself
on fire
once more

this time
i need to make it out
alive.

suddenly
everything changed.

we do not play
by the same premise
anymore

you have the power
to start us up
finish us off

i'm meant to follow.
feel.

you categorize me
squeeze me in
reduce me
to this.

give me two options
to be
both equality wrong
because they are not me

and i hate you
forcefully
for this

we do not play
by the same premise
you and i

you are the man
i am the woman

now
we are reduced
to this.

i wondered how it would affect me
if it would at all

i know how i was before
i know how i am now

[before]
restlessly calm
i searched
for skies
in concrete

half a breath
it will sort itself out

[now]
the distance
calms me

i can accept
practically
anything

it have always been worse

half my hand
i lend you

you're one step
back
im already
on my way

i wondered how it would affect me

hand on heart
i was
restless
[before]

[now]
i am
afraid.

sure,
i still sometimes wish you'd see me
when i'm out
running you off

but at last.

i am
running you
off

do i linger
timelessly
tiredlessly
where others
call it off?

my god
it just hit me
that i might

because how well i recognize
the patterns of your footsteps
and the hollow feeling
their echo
leave behind

my entire
body
remembers

it breathes
in my pulse

all my shattered dreams
resting in the hall
beside our shoes

everything
starts over

and i know exactly
how this looks
from behind

they borrow your white knitted sweater without asking
claim its theirs
hand it back eventually
now with blue stains
that won't come off

call you up
while out with their dog
ask what you're up to
cut you off halfway through your reply
turnes out they only wanted to know if you were available
to watch the dog

mention you gained weight
when in your bikini
(no, you did not ask)

but
when you lay in your sofa
contemplating that
hideous feeling below your chest

you receive a text  
asking if you are being kind to
yourself
as you should

tell your mum
when you're not around
how they appreciat how you always cared about people
and that they knew
you were gonna make it

and when you're home
they make you laugh
so hard
you accidentally
*** a little

sure
it annoys you
when you wash the sweater again
that the stains still won't come off

but
it doesn't really matter
does it  
you were kind of tired of that shirt anyway

twice
i washed my black sweater

still  
when i put it on  
it smelled like you

i have been through
hundred times worse

bleed my heart out
on a wet concrete floor
picked every daisy
ruthlessly
rootlessly

just recently
parted
from a lifetime

but you
and your scent
in under my skin

i think somehow
you represent
time
and how it changes
everything

what have i lost
what have i gained

i am older now

pull my sweater off
chuck it back into the washer
drown it with laundry detergents
and perfume

when i put it back on
it better not smell of
broken dreams
and anxiety

suddenly i know
where you are on thursdays at 8 pm
the number of pillows in your bed
and what you and your grandma talks about

you only ever saw
the drawn out clothes in my wardrobe
and my hallway plant

all i craved
i got
momentarily

and then
you left

back on the sofa
count the patterns on my wall

no, i know
it was what it was
nothing more
nothing less
i guess

but i rather not have this new knowledge
in the back of my chest
it interrupts my important plans
staring at the wall

soon enough
i will have dreamt myself
weary
of us

the presence
of your absence
will fade

soon enough
the need to relive your touch
reread your texts
will ebb out

the shadow of your kisses
will be oddly
tasteless

and then
one day  

i will have walked past
your apartment
without realising
your lights
were on

how it is
to mean
so little

you clean your list
erase me
along with others
i'm sure

i always made sure
to mean more
in the past

now
it stunnes me
how insignificant
i must have been to you

i guess it serves a purpose
to experience that as well

but it hurts
slightly more
than i thought it would

its been more than eight years
since last you got your way
and i still swill with spite
thinking of it

just like those forest fires on the news
uncontrolled
deadly

i don't even know how to phrase it

i always cared about
making peace

but with you

we never got to be ok
you burned that last bridge down
and for once  
i couldn't allow you to
rebuilt it

how could you
shrink me into
nothingness

your trophy
used

and above all that
how can i still lay here
after all these years

listening to the
echoes
of your footsteps  
on my chest

i dress myself.
in the silent breath
between
your
words.

everything.
fits
here

everything.
i pretend  
i never was

everything.
you are prepared to
give me

reduced to
this.

i dress myself
slowly.

as if the light from your silence
reflected on my
naked skin
don't bother me.

a pull
towards you

i want
my fingers trough your hair
linger on your curls
your eyes
to linger on my curves

i want you
to long for me
bending down when you're
too long for me

your breathe
on my lips
a pull
on my hips

towards you

today.
you got married.

i recognise this
half-full
half-empty
yearning feeling

i used to get it all the time.
from your late night texts
what seems like
millions of years ago

an explosion of
emotions.
all in contrast

still
we always wished eachother
well
in the end.

today.
you got married.

now.
you are a married man.

sand
nestled in
everywhere.
tiny pieces of
pain and happiness

i know.
this is what we choose

like a tide.
do you remain
when the moon shifts

tonight
hide me.
in the corner of your
smile.

tomorrow
just won't find us here.

So this is the time in life
Where your high school friends are having children
Your exes are getting married

And you are just sitting there
In your small (yet cosy) apartment
Thinking of why that makes you sad

Like obviously you don't want that life yet
But it would be nice if they would all just chill down a bit
We're not quite there yet
(Are we?)

it was never
about the sun with you
but the moon
cold
surrounded by darkness

still,
a light
against it all

coffee cups in separate apartments
attending different weddings
soothing comments from parents
longing for grandkids
a sudden empty feeling
below the chest
when stumbling over fragments of
us

are you also afraid  
we will not find our way back?

I miss you so.

sometimes
i paint you up
in the back of my mind
where i kept you
all these years

i hide from
now
i guess

return to
whens
ifs
nevers

never ever
will we get there

you will not
hold my face
in your hands
and kiss me
for all times you
didn't

you will not
tell me
of all times you
wanted to, but
couldn't

you will not
confess

how you kept me
through all these years
in the back if your mind
just to
sometimes
paint me up

summer heat
feeling the sun breathe

seven years ago
we were just about to meet

now
kiss on cheeks
we part

i strain myself
from looking back  

moving
keeps my shattered parts
in peace

the sun sets
over our streets

maybe seven years from now
we will be done
with our goodbyes

on a flight back home
you trade places with the girl next to me to be seated closer to your friends
mine are so far back that i don't even bother

includes me in your conversation immediately

you are funny
attractive
read my signals respectfully
and i like the way you think  

when i drift off to sleep
i hear you telling your friends  
you are looking for the real thing this time

i carry a book from the museum of broken relationships in my bag  

two hours have passed
you ask for my name
it's funny you say
that we've been speaking for so long without knowing

when the plane hit ground
you jump in terror
cut of guard in the middle of a sentence
a hand on my knee
you laugh

with a nervous side-way glance
you ask me out

you could be all i ever wanted
and i still wouldn't be there

when you leave
you look back and smile
you got a sad expression on your face
but good manners

i stay behind

you are not him

a hand on my waist
compliment

your gaze
******* me

i wish i didn't need it

i wish i could appreciate it

now
i'm lonely if you don't
easy if you do

i wish my worth
dependent on more
than your gaze

what i will miss

the childish look on your face
when you get an idea

how you melted into me
drew me nearer in bed
like we were meant to lay there
all times

hand in hand
and everything we dreamt of
our homes

honestly
i cant even begin listing it

all is too vast
it ends up
blank

everything made sense with you
and i don’t even belive in that

when you told me to be flattered
for being someones crush
while patching me up in the classroom
you taught me to mistake violence
for love
disrespect
for affection  

constantly forcing me beside him
in hope that i might calm him down
taught me that his need for being comforted
was worth more
than my need to be safe

when you asked me to keep my no in for just a little while longer
you taught me to shrink my vioce to make room for others
and that my opinion
caused more discomfort
than his actions

and still
after all years of printing that in
you got the nerve to expect me to
loudly state no
and walk away from an abusing man
who use all those expression of love and affection
you taught me
to forgive

let me

speak my
autumn leaves
and the consequences of their
swirl

of naked pale trees
shivering

talk calmly  
to the melted snow flakes
revolutionise with the icy wind

purl alongside spring fishes
upstream

breathe dense air
down my sore chest

let me
confess my
storm

make peace
at last
with the
shifting of seasons

create clouds
out of pebbles
hang myself to dry
on a silver lining

return to pasts
dwell
in their long lost shadows

move myself with it
as it shifts
with the sun

in my garden
linger on the scent
from my newly planted
reminisces

i dreamt of you tonight

you were getting married
we were invited
all your friends

and i felt happy for you
after all
it made me calm
seeing your bliss

still
when greeting us
you wouldn't meet my eyes

was it pity you felt?

because despite it all
now
i was history
and you were finally beginning your
future

i can't believe we're talking about
not being us

everyone i ever met
wanted something out of me

you're the only one who loved me more

no love that made you want to
hurt me
control me
own me

you simply loved me
sincere

what will we be apart?

sometimes
i long to be her
the one you used to touch

we never
found eachother
despite our desperate dreams

we never
got eachother
(understood or to keep)

but sometimes
i want to be there
seventeen again

driven crazy by your gaze
wondering about your silence
analysing your texts

your lips on my shoulder
falling fifteen stores
by your touch
swept off my feet

but never
never
figuring eachother out

i never did
get (to) you

if you erased all words
cleaned the paper
blank again  

would the feelings
still breathe
in the paper

you know like secrets do
in air  
between the meaningfull gaze
of two close friends

so is that why
i reach this pit
of sorrow
pitch black

do my body grieve

not this time again
let go of life
one more time

and so my body will
bleed
with sorrow
for what could have been

one deep sigh
before letting go

is this what i feel
every month
before my period

that might
put some sense
to this
heavy, meaningless
darkness

rewrite the story
change every word
disguise it behind
new meanings
squeeze it out of context

what lingers

it is all too vast
is it all too vast

turn the sentences
around
can you hear the origins
beating below
a brand new sound

do you feel the smoke
from wet ink
a different form
the feelings
still breathing
in a new poem

what lingers

everything's too vast
(is it all too vast?)

a dream
one kick away

we were not all born
to this

how empty it is
the mute

the outline of how
ambiguous
plain
it is

while i stand still
the ink dries

a tempest of emotions
but all i portray
is blank sheets
untouched