*******
forever is a long time.
how can anyone
say forever and
really mean it.
i mean
jesus
*******
*******
that's a long time.
like
eternity?
phew.
****.
no way.
run.
running.
see ya.

red wine
lips purple
menthol breath
with smokey gaze
heart out,
for me to see
vulnerable
open
terrified, white like a sheet
hoping your demons
won't scare me away.
but darling, it's gonna take a lot
to make me run
because never have i had
the sun
you, shining on my life
brilliant, radiant, light
full of spinning threads
straw into gold
like that old fairy tale we know
glittering, atoms within
your very core
I love them all,
like no one before.

Tears in your eyes
As you tell the story
Of rocking me to sleep
Mozart
Bach
Brahms
Midnights in January
Fussy cries subdued
By the New York philharmonic
Or the Boston pops
Depending on the season
Late night shifts
Robert frost open
On your lap
Sharing stories
I couldn’t yet grasp
And yet now
Are ones that I carry inside
My heart
Take the road less traveled
It’s always there
Lying before me
Like the countless hours
And moments together
That I cannot even recall
My luck to have a father like you
Is greater than
A four leaf clover
A horseshoe overflowing
With daisies
A rabbits foot
I’m not sure what life I lived
But I’m glad in this one
You are dad.

You knocked on my door:
"You ready to go?"
And I took your hand
and we walked the streets of Teplice.

It began to rain
and we ran, laughing
Gelato on our faces,
questions giggling out of our smiles
How easy it was.

You sat close to me
in the opera house on the stairs
we were alone and you pointed
out a fake tree and said it looked like a person
"Ghost stories!" you cheered
and I said,
"Absolutely not!!"
We laughed, bumping shoulders
hearts racing more as we looked
outside of ourselves.

I joined you on your beds,
which you pushed together
foamy and orange mattresses
uncomfortable wooden space
in between us.
More the reason to scoot closer
to you.

I waited
and you froze there in the dark
and I said, "***** it"
and leaned over to kiss you.
How young and innocent it was.

Who knew, that one kiss
would lead to this
pained and empty heart
memories smoky and distant in my peripheral
I sigh again as I remove my bandaid
my knee is skinned and my arm is bruised
I've tried everything to get rid of you
but you are stuck
wedged into my heart
like a shard of mirror or glass

It's cloudy outside
I checked the weather where you are
cloudy too...slight chance of rain
same here.

I sit in a coffee shop
up to my eyes in work
and still I can't shake you.
Whatever you are.
No longer a person, but a spirit of some kind
still breathing down my neck
your cologne lingering
on my shoulder

How I wish you would go away
your prescence makes me ill
in my mind and spirit.
but I can't
can't let you be free...
no matter how hard I try
or no matter how many times I think I let go

I can't.

Probably because you said after I'm done
here, in Texas
that maybe we could start again
but I know
you wouldn't really want that.

you hate me.
don't you.

it's ok.

i hate me too.

All the way to the end
It burns, burns, burns.
Crumbling, and crippling
as the ashes fall on your lap.
And you inhale with a smirk
and you exhale without gasp

I watch you take in the heated smoke
and I imagine how it passes through your lungs
gently caressing the inside of your body
just as I lay my fingertips on your back
and barely trace across you.

I try very hard not to stare at you
but it's almost impossible to keep my gaze
away from your radiant smile
and the way your mouth wraps around that cigarette

I feel almost embarrassed to be so intent
on watching such a small mannerism
but I'm overwhelmed by an intoxicating feeling,
a desire to learn every thing I can about you.

My face gets hot and I try and focus on something else
But it's so difficult not to look, so I stare at my shoes.
I feel like a child, overwhelmed and nervous
and my breath quickens
when your fingers wrap around my hand.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Laughter. Conversation. Thoughts.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
The rhythm settles and ignites
just like that lighter you click
to start over again. A new cigarette.
A fresh start. To a new song.

No longer can I run and not think of you.
you spitting and hissing
go faster. don't quit.
I hate it.
I can no longer try to better myself
without your name flashing before my eyes

the sweat on my brow feels like blood.

you have killed the simplest thing for me,
you murderer.

When I look in that mirror, I still hear you
you're fat. you're not worth it.
you need to be better.
you're not good enough yet.
sometimes i wish you were prettier.
you think i'm not doing you a favor?
i'm only with you because i'm trying to help you.

It hurts my heart to hear that still burned into my head.
your Words so vile.
my stomach aches just to think about it. about you.

Everyday, though, I become stronger.
And ruin your vice grip on my life.

I'm trying to run from you. I will.

My body is like patchwork
with threads through and through
keeping me together
keeping me from you.

Under these patches
are open wounds, sores
that bleed and are blackened
by the blood dried into my core

I am clawed at in the middle of the night
Haunted by something,
by someone who drags me into a hell
and sits on the edge of my bed,
pillow in hand,
over my mouth.

I suffocate,
the memories are shoved into my throat
like cotton
like paper
like razors
peeling back my skin on my wrists

I start up in shock
I haven't seen those scars for years.
Sob. Sob. Sob.
Ruthless. Unhealthy. Obsession.
I see the fuzz come into my vision
only the corners
as I fade back into the dark game of dreams
night terrors. Far from dreams.

Haunted by
you and him and her and him and her and him and her and her and her and him and her...
Those open wounds covered never spoken of
I tie my strings tighter
pull myself together
and scoff at the fear.

the more i'm alone,
the better i like myself.
it's like i constantly
must look into a mirror
and identify every curve
every blemish
every scar
every piece of myself
that i used to despise.
and even mentally
the loneliness and solitude
is like someone who is constantly
bandaging and tending
to the bruises and cuts
in my mind.
the more i'm alone,
my confidence and love of life
flourishes.
every person should find their
solitude
and relish in its absolute.

for the past 8 months
i've been hating myself
for loving you like this
because you don't respect me
you never have, never will
you cheated
you cheated
you cheated
you were "curious"
you were "wondering
if i was the one"
you "wanted to be sure"
in truth, i couldn't see
the tearing down that was occurring
but now that i finally
said
"enough"
i'm sitting here empty
feeling less than enough.
you did a number on me
without me even realizing it
i've got bruises on my ego
on my soul now
who are you to have done this?
is this my karma, my choices
reflected back onto me?
i feel like a mirror of an old person
someone i used to be
battered and broken
when i should be walking on
golden fields of lavender and
smelling sweet kisses of self loving
breezes.
i needed this. i needed to feel this.
for now, somehow
i will truly

accept the love i think i deserve.

inhale smoke
exhale divinity
your body
close to mine
jewel tones
candlelight flickering
in our eyes.
music tugging on our
heartstrings
liquorice lips
and lime flavored *****
twisting into me
your delicate soul
resting on my shoulder
praying for a lifetime
of gracious smiles
and aquamarine eyes

disturbed.
i feel broken
my spirit on the edge
of that rocky cliff
looking down into
what is seemingly
the end.
and yet
when i jump
i forget i have wings
and from the depth
i soar.

You are poetry
and art in motion
the wheels of my mind
turn and turn
with the thoughts of you
beautiful moments
brushstrokes and prose
line upon line
and row upon row.
you move something
deep inside of me,
that hasn’t ever been moved
my heart made of some granite
or obisideon
and now, warm and flushed
because of your lips
and the way you wrap
your arms around me,
surround me
you found me
I will never let you go.

I have felt this.
This sense of euphoria
from learning a new
skin, human, heart
the lines of your silhouette
freckles on your body,
the way someone smiles
or nervously looks away.
I’ve felt this.
So to say, “I’ve never felt
this way before”
Would be a disservice to you
Because truly, it’s not
even about having felt
this way, but more
about wanting to feel like
this for the rest of my life
with Only you.
Voila, there it is –
I’ve said the same words
to the same kinds of people
and yet, you feel different
Because my desire is to
keep this poetry you bring
from me and enshrine it
in Emerald and wild blue flowers.

You lay perfect across the red sea
Blue and yellow blankets
you're truly all I see

You rise and fall
in deep sleeping breaths

To think...

Two years ago, almost to this very day
we laid together in the dark
And I first admired your body the same way.

I feel my fingers crossing over your shoulder
gliding to your back
And I feel my lips turn colder
as the memory comes back

My desire to touch you burns me
As the sunburn on you
How I wish I could make it better
And, in turn, also kiss it too

To think...

Two years ago my eyes ran along your body
Curiously admiring, loving, learning
And little did I know that today
I would be aching and yearning.

I still remember breathing quietly in the dark
And feeling your body next to mine
And all the time wondering
"Is this comfort a sign?"

From the moment I met you
I knew I loved you for life
From the moment I kissed you
I knew I would be your wife

I remember gazing at your back
and seeing freckles abundant and round
I remember tracing the constellations
and thinking about how I was now bound

Your eyes sparkle with such brilliance and fire
When I look upon you I can't help but admire

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With me gazing upon your body
And me with a smile upon my face

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With you about to pop the question
And I, thinking about being in lace.

****** from the start
im still affected by you.
because even after the sickly
sin of creating a web of lies
and of deceit.
i fell in love with you
and then i broke you.
and you in turn
shattered my heart.
burning a thousand words
deep into my skin
entering the flame
of your shadow over me
called to enter into you
by this flame
by this fire
forever licking my wounds
and creating deeper impressions
of sickening wonder and
caustic desires that will bring nothing.
for you, my eternal
I can n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ forgive myself.

unrequited love
should've been my middle name
for the amount of times
I have loved without being
loved back
Feels, intensely like
the amount of times
the sun has come up for
25 years.

Kiss me goodbye
Just do it already.
Let me slip through your fingers.
Let me die alone in my bed.
Let me feel nothing again.

Please let me go, if that is truly what you wish.
If you mean it, do it.

Just kiss me goodbye.
Do it already.

reckless; [rekləs]
adjective
(of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action.

this is how i love
dangerously
recklessly
without fear
of our demise
or of our longevity

this is how i live
without thought
or care
or worry
truly in my core
i do worry
but truly in my core
i also do not.

this is how i drive
my car
speeding down the road
music so loud
my thoughts are drowned

this is how i sing
top of my lungs
air in my body
colors spouting forth from my lips
heavily and intently
pointed at you
hoping
that if i sing loud enough
the universe will hear my call
and bring you back
twist you into me
so that i can love you for just
a little longer
if you let me

this is how i breathe
without mind
but in mind
i think of your air
that you breathe
it is the same as mine.
clean
cool
refreshing
shaping the inside of my lungs
with careful molecules
and bits of dust
giving oxygen
life

this is how i see
the moon in my sky
is the moon in yours
it is the same
one in the same
we stare at it together
and yet apart
without worry
without care
without consequence
we stare.
longing for it to love us back
reflecting ourselves
in its large light
i see myself
reflected
one in the sky,
one with the sky
and yet,
fading so fast
because the sun is coming.

reckless.
dangerous.
impulsive.
i sit on my own sleeve
heart out.
like a ******* idiot.
but i can't help it.
i can't help
but to indulge in this game
this dance
this music
this love
this life
this dream that is my reality.

i can't help
but to be
K(erra)T(he)R(eckless).

Ambitions are behind
my back.
Crossed, like my fingers.
When I promised

Eternity, in the bottom of my glass.
Leaking along.

Away you tremble.
I may come closer.
But turn.

Cover my arms in white,
you said.

Cover my body in cream,
you said.

Cover my face in veil,
you screamed.

"You're gonna be somebody"

So I dropped the glass.
Blood wine on the floor.

Threw the promise
in your face.

And stormed away
My legacy thundering

Like my laughter when you first said you loved me.

The steady pulse
of my beating heart

Swings in time with the soothing cello
And strings of earth and air

I see my body, I am outside
I am no longer within

My thoughts are just bubbles
floating in the air

My feet are just stable
but not part of the earth

This is my death
The passing away of my soul

Deepening the plunge,
as I immerse myself within the sorrow

Give away my soul, you say
Stay, you say
Do, you say
Don't, you scream
muffled.

I cry out in those leaping intervals
The painful pulls of your desires
ripping at my already weakened heart.

My strength deteriorates as the dominant over turns
I, lying on the ground, cold to you.

Amen, they say.
To men. The end.

I sleep with my eyes open
and dream under the blankets
of my own fears
suffocated by the desires of
my unconscious mind.
Dying in increments
passing by

you
       me
it
       what
                   passes
        is
you
         what
is


this
The words, blank
filled in with gold
when shattered
standing here, unable to
understand
this brief weakening
of my consciousness
Deafening me
though I fought so
hard
to make it not so.

All that remains
are my remains
of soliloquies
sought after and
excluded from
conversation
Blanks in between blanks
Words between the lines
Empty spaces, where something belongs.

Weakened by you
what can I do

Wine lips pressed together
the moment I realized your humanity
Behind that air of pride and smirk
someone I had so desperately
Sought to separate from
Has now become the one human
I cannot ever be separate from.

I looked at you. You looked at me.
Your pools of copper beckoning
And begging me to just try for once
something that was so seemingly easy
such a danger to my precious heart
For which I had built a concrete fortress.

But all at once, when you pulled me in
Against my own car, and kissed me
Gentler than the breeze
kisses the river during the Texas summers, it all washed away.
My fortress defeated by the simple
Red stained lips of the suitor who
Eventually lead me by the hand through my darkest moments of sheer terror and
Brutal pits of depressive states I never touched.
I envy those who lived without my scars but I can’t see my life without you to tend to them. Caressing even my thorniest passages of self defeat and depreciation.

I also do not envy those who live lives without the unforgettable touch that you leave with me, fingerprints on my very soul. Gentle and pressed in with some kind of magic understanding of my very aura. Something even 6,000 miles could not leave me blank. Changed by you.

I look back to those moments.
Pulling me in. Your look of adoration.
The power you put behind me.
Lights off, lights on. Daylight or evening.
Colliding again and again, creating some
Kind of unique friction that fuels the very stars.

How you so easily unlocked me. Unhinged me. Undid all that was laced, blackened from years of abuse and things even I have never spoken of to you...but you have healed them with your complex, sustaining, passionate, Love.
I can’t love or live without you.
You fuel the fire that powers my entire being
My muse. Something deeper than even I understand. I won’t give up ever again.
For now, I know what life is like without you;

Bleak. Empty wine bottles. Bruises from nights I don’t want to remember. Sunshine depleted from my center. Cascading, blackened blood from a knife held too close. Ghosts and skeletons. Reaching. To take me to a hell I never want to live in again.

But I’m coming home.
And home is where the heart is.
You’ve kept it for a long time now.
Safe.
Away from the people and things that would truly shatter it.
Your arms. My safety.

i'm making a promise
this one i hope to keep
to learn to truly love myself
and to finally make the leap

true happiness takes courage
real *****, you know
so i'm truly taking a step
and just getting up to go

run, walk, jump
but never hide
out and free and wild and me
with, me, myself, at my side

Away you walk
Into the line to fly away
Your feet shifting as you stand before me
And kiss my forehead.
I died in my heart
And my eyes watered
And my stomach dropped
As you turned away and left me.

As soon as I lost sight of you
My body felt empty
My soul lost its fire
My lip trembled
My tears fell fast and many

I died.

I no longer was alive.
No longer did I desire it.
All I wanted
was to go with you.
Fly away from here.
Come away to you.
To live in your heart, in your home.
I no longer had arms or legs.
For you were my everything.
You are my everything.
Still. Now. Here. There.

You are part of me,
my completion.

without you,
I am dust.

I exist only to see you again.

The rain comes as a shock
to the dry Texas land

The soil can no longer remember
a time where its thirst was quenched.

The hills are painted with clear intentions
and the earth smells of a fresh upheaval.

The roots dig profoundly into the planet
and extend from below to the cosmos above.

Awakened, within the terra firma,
a seraph reaches up into the leaves
and caresses the lush branches.

How long it has been
since the being could attain
and comprehend
the artistry of this world.

At the touch of life,
the being steps out
of its transcendental state unlocked from

her chains
of depleted soil.

She is cautious to be held in the bough.
But a flower blooms merely at her gaze
and obsequiously transitions from colorless
to the deepest amethyst ever beheld by eyes.

Down it comes, drenching the forest,
spreading its nourishment.
Small crystals appearing as tears
brighten the cheeks of the seraph's smile.

Color
rushes into her skin and she appears
to blossom
in her comfort and confidence,
mirroring that flower.

Snuggly she rests her seasoned heart
within the boughs she's only just
begun to fathom and question.

Is this renaissance ephemeral?
Even if it is, this,
this child of the earth knows the rain
is a feeling – and it's ineffable.

My heart is so heavy,
as I walk down this street.
All I wish is to come home
and to have you to greet.

The spaces in between
my hands are empty and numb
and as I sit here longer
the emptier they become.

I look upon your side,
where your precious smile should be
And all I see in space
and a living shadow of me.

So here, I rest my head
hoping the time goes fast
And I close my eyes
and inhale the past

I smell you, even though it's been months
and I feel your skin smooth
as I snuggle in my pillow.

What would life be without my love?
My soul, my dreams.

What would life be without that simple kiss
Every morning
Every night.

What would life be without the simplistic beauty.
Without his green eyes.
Without his copper hair.

I could never imagine such a place
As I am sure it is far from fond
A place where I roam in darkness
And reach for you beyond.

So darling, know I suffer
Know that I feel as you do
And think of all the kisses I will bring
Once I am with you.

Too little, too late
You've changed
And the world has moved on.

The direction of your life
is a different direction
from the love that you desired
to taste

Crisp as the apple
Sickly sweet but bitter finish
Fruit becoming wine
Nectar of the inevitable stares
The inevitable smirk
Slow eye contact and heart palpitations

My stomach sinks and my heart races
All day I had felt this burning
And now all night
I hoped you to never leave the floor
Which was covered in memories --
Love
Love
Love

I never wanted the night to end
But the clock kept ticking
An expiration on our escapade
An expiration of our speech without movement
Simple, somber eyes locking and unlocking
The keys to those barred doors
Banging to get in
Or get out
Slipping along the wall, sobbing to a seat

When the Last drop of wine fell onto the floor
And the night winded away
I kept looking around
Hoping for an answer to my pressing
But the only answer lay in your palm
Holding me up
Forever your hand upon my back
Encouraging
But invisible and warm
Your life sinking into mine and my tears
always becoming the ocean that sways
and passes and opens comfort and security
Wide and dark and the essence of you
Serene and stable but everflowing
Your eyes mirroring the surf that touches my hand
Sitting
Thousands of words sprinkled in the sand
Your name written in the type of deep wounds that fill with water and salt to wash away what was.
But I return and re-write you in those memories
and I press my body against the earth and I breathe you in and your face appears over me.
Inhaling your existence, I taste the wine on your mouth
And suddenly I'm back. Retreating from your gaze
Back on the porch. Back with everyone. But so lost in you.

And though I have changed,
The world has moved on.

Your chest rises and falls slowly,
to the rhythmic meter in my head.
Slow and silent, you breathe
and I watch you gently fade into your mind.
Safe in your head.
Safe from the world.

My hands gently stroke your cheek
as it is stubbled and soft together
What is our path?
What is our purpose?

Pondering comes with adoration
and looking at you induces a comatose
I become one inside your body
and one inside your mind.

We will walk together in eternity,
if the heavens allow such a fate.
We will create life, see beauty, and comprehend

power.
passion.
pain.
patience.

Over and over again we will experience
and I will forever adore you.
Every night or morning, I'll watch you peacefully be.
And just love you in that single moment
and on.

Maybe I'll find something
Something that's not from hell
Maybe I'll find something
To ring that ****** bell

Maybe I'll run into it
At the store or park
Maybe I'll run into it
And I won't be left in the dark

Maybe I'll see it
Behind book after book
Or Maybe I'll see it
And I won't have to really look

your brain is capable of holding
memories
but
most brains are incapable
of holding precise
memories.

this lack of capacity
leads to false memories
being created
your brain fills in the gaps
based on past experience

especially in cases
of trauma

i've lived in a false memory
of you, my first love

and was awakened
when i finally read through
our traumatic messages
of 2014




i realized






after




all



these



years





I




was actually




the villain.

I like to live in your memory.
I fall asleep sometimes
with you on my mind.
I try to imagine
what life would have been
had you been the center
of my whole world.
I try to imagine what life
could have been
had I been kinder,
more honest,
and more compassionate,
understanding.

I feel like there are so many
missed opportunities
so many songs I failed
to sing to you.
so many poems I failed
to share with you.
I feel like there are so many
so many moments
I would have loved
for you to share with me.
And yet, here we are.
Worlds apart.
in relationships.
committed to our own dreams
and lives that we never thought
would be before us.
funny how that works...
the unexpected is the epitome of life.

I like to live in specific memories
times of car rides, loud music
times of early mornings
coffee, beaches, cafes
I like to live in times of RuPaul's Drag Race in bed
and times of sleeping back to back
and times of holding one another
crying at the inevitable.
I like living in times of art museum walks
and dinners in Minneapolis
and too much wine by a fireplace
making a fool out of myself
being held under a blanket.
I like to live in times
where I could be enveloped by your fragrance
intoxicating then and upsetting for me now
I like living in times where we were friends
where we were more than friends
and then back to friends
and in this crazy cloud of confusion
before I made the choices to hurt you.
I miss our conversation
our friendship, our love both important.
so I live there often.
Hoping somehow something may change
but knowing that my dreaming is
just that.
But I'll live here for a while
in this hollowing memory of you.
and just
hope
i guess.

eyes open
light streaming in
through slits
in the blinds.
it is grey
but my body is warm.
i turn
towards your back
which is caramel
and softer than cashmere
olive oil and spice
maybe cedar bark
my fingertips across your shoulders
ivory and blush
against your canvas.
you breathe in, gently
breathe out, exhaling your dreams.
you turn
towards me now
your angular jaw
sinking into the pillow
with your copper beard
nuzzling into me.
eyebrows furrowed
eyelashes long and thick
two freckles i notice
one above your left eye
one below your right
your peaceful look filling my heart
with an incredible amount
of affection and love.
across your cheek, i touch
wanting so desperately
to know your hopes
dreams, wishes, fears
as you run in your mind
away from this room
where i lay with you.
this moment
these moments
i shall i love them
and you
forever.

It's a delicate subject
future me.
who will i become?
or have i already
sprung into my current
majesty
or will i stay
bitter to the very end?
this self
i see her in the mirror
and i wonder what
will be at her side?
honor?
love?
distant self disillusion?
mirrored.
in the woman she wishes to
be?
or in the woman
she wishes to hold?

For an instant, I saw your reflection
and, for a moment, I touched your fingertips
through the glass, as if it were water
Your glance was so clear
and sharp through that light
I almost stuttered as I shook
from the force of it all.
But I pushed too far and it cut too deep
and the edges of your face
slipped from view and I was left
shattered on the floor,
once again.

Inside is loud
Inside is knitted
Outside is shining
Outside is confident
Outside oozes gold
and drips in perfume
inside is complicated
Chaotic, tired, pained
thinking in circles
giving attention to the now
And neglecting the burned
Holes in my jacket
Imperfect and proud
But it’s so loud
She has not taken time
To listen to her body
Her heart
Her spirit
She drifts in the oceans
Of what she should be
What she could be
Labels attached
Labels attacked.
Wishing to be free. Fully.
Like the dress I wore
The night I first kissed you

In my ears, Music
I memorize
every note, phrase, word
and play it over and over
again in my head
followed with some picture
that helps me to remember
the next soaring melody
or simple pattern
I memorize music, the same way
I memorize the patterns of your
face and presence
I measure each facet
every shadow
every line
every phrase you inhale
and every note you exhale
lyrical is your voice
on the air, which seems to stall in our
intense conversation
and tense, but warm, moments
of stillness
where there is connection
between our
eyes
but no movement in our bodies
except maybe the pounding
of our own hearts
I do memorize you, like a song itself
wishing I could somehow
transcribe your very being
to paper and carry you
close to myself, or inside a book
of poetry.
I realize,
e.e cummings said it best;

I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere you go, I go my dear

and just like that song, I learned,
lord, who knows how long ago

You
are already somehow etched
within those lyrics
and are inscribed in my own memory.

For in my ears, Music
I memorize
and in my heart,
somehow,
You, as well.

"In a dream, I was untrue
Shot up in sweats and I knew it was you
All the while as I traced her spine
You tore up my head, through my peace of mind"

I wept for you again
with the slow music playing
in the back of my mind.

I brought it forward
All of it.
I faced the truth, the fear
the connection I still felt.

But I saw it.
I saw you.
I heard you.
And I felt the pull down

Into that blackness
that you so love to dwell in,
Unforgiving.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

I feel our hearts still
connected in a sick way.
******* our lives,
draining our colour.

But slowly,
painfully.
We let it free.
Let ourselves be free.

"Can't be the same as we lie in the light
Knowing full well, your virtue's my vice
In the night we are one
Till the moment is gone
Till my race has been run"

It's over.
We've both crossed that threshold
and can no longer return.
But we are still connected.

And will always be.
Unfortunately.
Fortunately.
But only we will feel it.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

And you say to me:

"Your sorry words need not know my mind
So refrain from use"

And I finally close my eyes
and shut my mouth,
forever silent to you.
From this moment forth.

But just remember
you can never rid me from yourself
and I can never rid you from myself.
You are forever imprinted.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And only we'll know"

The smell of old books and beer
spilled upon the streets
leaves my mind at ease to wander
amid the smokey bars and jazz beats.

I speak to an old woman
who sits upon a velvet stool
She runs the lovely book shop
but swears she was once a fool

"A fool for love." she says to me
and my mind begins to race and run
"I once too was a musician.."
Of course! She was listening to Beethoven for fun!

"I left college for him. I gave up music for a normal life "
My heart sank further, as I thought about her strife.


Her blue eyes became a bit watery
and I asked her if she liked working here
She looked at me and smiled and said,
"Of course I do, my dear."

I let my eyes meet hers
and there, I saw the past
The person that I could have been
If I had given up at last.

I ran to the bookshelves
and hid behind their words.

I felt terribly ill all of a sudden
and began to sob uncontrollably.

It didn't help when I turned around
that there on the shelf,
was a book of John Donne poems
and therefore, you, yourself.

I searched through the book
to find that one sonnet

that you showed me after we parted
...my eyes quickly darted...

But, to no avail would I see it,
for I had forgotten the phrase
Much like I had forgotten all the good
in our life while we were in that daze.

So I sobbed upon the bookstore floor
and threw the poems away from me.
For I knew that no matter where I was,
you, there, would always be.

We measure the spaces
between    us
by    our     goodbyes
and how I wish you

could hold me as I
collapse into my bed and
cry to sleep

a touch of your hand
a kiss on my lips
a loving embrace

more than ever

every night, I wish we could close our
eyes together

right here with your arms around me
rising bodies
rain

on those window panes, your arm
over my body

night after night
never leave me again
never say goodbye

I love you.

my leo
my sun
hard to get away from
your charm
your bright light
that shines directly
into the most intimate
crevices of my being
you know me
in ways others don't
the dark sides
the sides that no one has
touched, reached for,
or even questioned
my most closed secrets
and my most passionate
ideas and desires
you ask.
you've always asked
always trusted me
always glanced in my
direction with a look
that is so full of romantic
impassioned love

loyal leo, my loyal leo.
i raise my eyes to you
blushing, extremely red
your favorite shade
of my cheeks pressed
close to you as we sat
on that cold evening
when we first told
each other we loved one another.
i was so afraid.
so i ran away from your arms
instead of into them as i should have
and now, almost a year has passsed
and i realize that my love
for you has not changed
though my body is not there
next to yours every morning.

now i lay there wishing
i could reach over and touch
that body, entity, that i learned
so well over the months we
spent teaching one another
giving our own selves
over to one another.
for you, you know that our  
paths were meant to cross
again and again and again
because we indeed
are meant to be together.

this time, i'm not running
except home to you.

i'm made of iron
cast beautifully
each curve
marking the miles
i've run
each bruise
marking the fists
or cuts that mark
those words spoken
a statue, a goddess
hardened by years
of life gone awry.
but in honesty,
i live quite the
charmed life
lucky in most things
i do, with the exception
of love.
so, i wait patiently
for the moment
that my heart will
crack open to reveal
crystallized sweetness.
that will happen
the day that the
world stops turning
because of him.
for now,
i keep my walls up.

i have a new face.
it's painted with
white and red.
it has an expression
of blank resilience.
i want you
to look me in the face
and tell me
you love me,
even if it's fake
because i don't *******
care about you
or anything or
anyone.
even though i really do.
all of them are welled into
the bottom of me,
rolled up and curled
into tiny knots
of blackened rope
wet and slimy from the
earth's digestion.
i want you to love me
i really do.
but i'll act like i don't
because that's all i can do
all i can hope for right now.
loneliness is here.

why is love so complex
why can't it be freeing
in the way i dream
in the way i see
for love shouldn't be so hard
and yet
i can never seem to get it right
it must be me
i must be the problem.
what is it about myself
that i hate so much that
i would be willing to destroy myself
disrespect myself and others
what is it...
blood under the fingernails
sour breath of death
i haven't the slightest clue
but i just want to be happy.
is that such a difficult thing to ask?