*******
forever is a long time.
how can anyone
say forever and
really mean it.
i mean
jesus
*******
*******
that's a long time.
like
eternity?
phew.
****.
no way.
run.
running.
see ya.

I like to live in your memory.
I fall asleep sometimes
with you on my mind.
I try to imagine
what life would have been
had you been the center
of my whole world.
I try to imagine what life
could have been
had I been kinder,
more honest,
and more compassionate,
understanding.

I feel like there are so many
missed opportunities
so many songs I failed
to sing to you.
so many poems I failed
to share with you.
I feel like there are so many
so many moments
I would have loved
for you to share with me.
And yet, here we are.
Worlds apart.
in relationships.
committed to our own dreams
and lives that we never thought
would be before us.
funny how that works...
the unexpected is the epitome of life.

I like to live in specific memories
times of car rides, loud music
times of early mornings
coffee, beaches, cafes
I like to live in times of RuPaul's Drag Race in bed
and times of sleeping back to back
and times of holding one another
crying at the inevitable.
I like living in times of art museum walks
and dinners in Minneapolis
and too much wine by a fireplace
making a fool out of myself
being held under a blanket.
I like to live in times
where I could be enveloped by your fragrance
intoxicating then and upsetting for me now
I like living in times where we were friends
where we were more than friends
and then back to friends
and in this crazy cloud of confusion
before I made the choices to hurt you.
I miss our conversation
our friendship, our love both important.
so I live there often.
Hoping somehow something may change
but knowing that my dreaming is
just that.
But I'll live here for a while
in this hollowing memory of you.
and just
hope
i guess.

forever is such a long time
and such a useless word.
overused, rather.
god i hate it.

this pit
in my stomach i get.
i feel disturbed,
disgusted
confused
depressed
undone from inside out.

i want you
i want someone else
i want myself
i want no one
never
ending
cycle.

it's like i'm trapped in some kind of headspace
where i want to be good
but i'm just useless
and inherently bad.
i'm always the problem
never the solution
always the victim
never the victor
change is so hard to come by
in myself and in others
why do i think someone else will change
if i, myself, can't change at all?

your brain is capable of holding
memories
but
most brains are incapable
of holding precise
memories.

this lack of capacity
leads to false memories
being created
your brain fills in the gaps
based on past experience

especially in cases
of trauma

i've lived in a false memory
of you, my first love

and was awakened
when i finally read through
our traumatic messages
of 2014




i realized






after




all



these



years





I




was actually




the villain.

eyes open
light streaming in
through slits
in the blinds.
it is grey
but my body is warm.
i turn
towards your back
which is caramel
and softer than cashmere
olive oil and spice
maybe cedar bark
my fingertips across your shoulders
ivory and blush
against your canvas.
you breathe in, gently
breathe out, exhaling your dreams.
you turn
towards me now
your angular jaw
sinking into the pillow
with your copper beard
nuzzling into me.
eyebrows furrowed
eyelashes long and thick
two freckles i notice
one above your left eye
one below your right
your peaceful look filling my heart
with an incredible amount
of affection and love.
across your cheek, i touch
wanting so desperately
to know your hopes
dreams, wishes, fears
as you run in your mind
away from this room
where i lay with you.
this moment
these moments
i shall i love them
and you
forever.

i hope
to always be grateful
in everything i do.

there is a feeling
of tender bite
when you don't get your
way or what you might
have expected out of life.
but i hope
even with those failures
aplenty
i will remain humble
and loyal to my call
for compassion and
light in this life of mine.

i feel
the past six months have
changed my very face
even of everything i believe
and all i stand for.
my eyes blink differently
and my face is sharper
with more lines
from smiling and worry
even my eyes have sunk
deeper into my skull
making me look almost hollow
and yet some days i am almost
golden in color
depression stuck around my neck
like a loose noose.
anxiety making my fingertips
quiver and my lips bleed
from dreaming in the night
flashes of life that i left
life that will never be
and life that can be if only
i would set the world right.

most of all though
the change comes in
honesty and open heart
with the sun riding
on my shoulder
even in the deepest night
with that light,
i cannot be extinguished
and my hope for the world
will continue to blossom
into the very flowers
bluebells
that line the roadways
to my beautiful texas home.

yearning for that open sky
i close my eyes and
there is a vastness of blue
that consumes my very being
changing into white light
and freedom from my negative
strife and uncomfortable
disposition.
for no longer am i attached to this world.
i am a vessel
and this great and terrible beauty
that i am
becomes a figure of peace
and calmness in the center
of hell itself.