the days are ticking away
someones counting, but its not me
every hour slips past
sneaking away until another day is gone
I hold my breath
In hopes time will still
but yet it speeds like its got someplace to be
I don't have many minutes left with you
its just
Tick
Tick
Tick
ticking away
And then you will be gone

tell me what you see
when you look at me
of course you see the same thing
the same thing I see

of course you see the same
ugliness and darkness
of course you notice
the emptiness and worthlessness

of course you see the same
because there's no prettiness
no worth, no light, no fulfillment
Tell me how you notice the things you say you do!

Come here and let me tell you a secret
Mother

...

Still can't bring myself to say it.

scream at me
and I will hate myself
manipulate me
and I will do the same
beat me
and I will cause my own scars
just speak to me
and I will listen and learn
all this extra is unnecessary.

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

it seems the more I have to lose
the easier I am to bruise
because once you took everything I loved before
then there was nothing left to live for

this is the result of you
look!
at this, at me!
this is the result of you
this is what happens when you
do as you do
these are the results of you

when I smile,
know that it is
forced
when I laugh
know that it is
fake
when I cry
know that it is
overdue
when I scream
know that it is
powerless
when I die
know that it was
wanted

When I sleep
I am at peace
I don't have to think
about you or them or anything
When I sleep
time slips too fast
and soon I'll have to wake
and I dread that moment
for when I sleep
I am at peace

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

God painted her with a fine-point paintbrush
He took his time, slow and steady, absolutely no rush
So He could make her just right
But He left out sunshine to scare away demons dark as night
I know he meant to illustrate the rain
To wash away all her raw, bleeding pain
He was supposed to brush the storm clouds away
But He only finished her halfway
Maybe He just forgot
At least, that's what I was taught
No Father could let His child hurt like this
yet here she is

Oh how I want to scream in your face!
Say, Look at what you've done to this place!
Why don't you see all your kids fear you?
Open your eyes and see what we've been through!
AHHHHH I just want you to SEE!
Not just to see, but to WATCH me!
Watch how I shake when you start to speak!
See how you've made us all feel weak!
Look at you pretend like you did nothing wrong!
Well guess what! Now that I'm feeling strong
I will tear you down, limb for limb, word by word
Slice you open with the same double-edged sword!
You will DROWN in the same pool I've been sinking in
You will FEEL the consequences of the person you've been!
And you will know, without a doubt,
That these are the words I have always needed to shout.

You screamed this morning
Now my makeup is running
Look. You ruined me.

Let me know when you're ready
Ready to love me like you're supposed to
Ready to bite back your mean words
Ready to show the world who you really are
Ready to support me no matter what
Ready to tell me its okay when I cry instead of laugh
Ready to not strike
Ready to not scream
Ready to stop pushing me into a career I don't want
Ready to say I hate you less then I love you
Let me know when you're ready to parent!

I don't want any of you to relate to me
Relating to me means you see
Right through my walls
Inside my brain and I can't have you wandering these halls
It means I'm see through
I don't want you to have to deal with what I do
I don't want people to hurt like my head
I hate that someone might have heard the same words said
Please don't say you feel the same way
because then I'll cry and it will darken my day
I can't see you living in this fear
Not feeling loved and holding no one near
please just tell me how happy you are
How my words seem like another language from afar
Because in no way should you understand
the bruises forming by an unrelenting hand
Words spat out, their goal to torment you
Please don't tell me you've been through this too
It's okay; I can bear this alone
I don't want to share the trauma I own
I don't want anyone to relate
This life is MY fate

The perfect family
Smile for the public
No one knows what's beneath the laughter and jokes
No one suspects that they are anything less than
The perfect family
Picture perfect house
Picture perfect appearance
Won’t someone look a little deeper
Look past the expensive things
Look at the expressions
Can’t you tell
That this isn’t a perfect family?

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

I could've stayed
One minute more
and talked to you
You'll be gone soon
and I'll regret not staying
One minute more
I'll wish I had stalled
One minute more
Talked to you
just one minute more
you'll be gone soon
so just give me
one minute more

jagged sharp broken
glass
of a picture frame
broken sharp jagged
memories
of the people portrayed

for the past few years I knew her
you could not see her skin
through the mask of her makeup
her skin painted smooth
every blemish concealed away
but suddenly this year
something is amiss
her skin; I see it clearly now
that her mask no longer exists
I see now for the first time
her skin is red and raw and rough
beautifully unique
what changed
to make her love her skin again?
And just how do I make myself feel the same?

you drive a black truck
with silver accents
and now
every time I see one similar
my heart freezes
and anxiety builds
you always parked it
in the same spot
and you watched me
I know you did
I tried to erase it
but the image remains
of your stupid
stupid black truck
with the silver accents

Blacked my eye
but I won't cry
Screamed in my face
but I won't cry
Called me names
but I won't cry
I won't
I repeat
I refuse
To shed another tear for you

a candy cane carnation
is mostly white but tinged
With red
Red, like blood
for the people who made you bleed
White, like innocence
for who you were before you bled
I think I could be
a candy cane carnation

just a random girl
that walks around this school
her clothes are baggy
I wonder if she hates her body?
she smokes
and drinks
I wonder what she's trying to forget?
Her eye makeup
almost as dark as my own
her hair even darker
I wonder if her demons
are as dark as her makeup?
her backpack straps slung low
her pockets always full
I wonder what secrets she keeps?
Her eyes, big and thoughtful
Like they contain millions of unsaid words
I wonder what she would say?
If not always silenced
I wonder about her
like maybe she's just like me

I extend my hand
and try to hold my fingers still
Will them into steadiness
but yet they tremble
and shake nonetheless
Wavering ever so slightly
that if you never looked you'd never tell
so most never tell

I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
and surely you don't know
that it is still
encircling my wrist
twisting around my fingers
every now and then and again
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
I always need something to fiddle with
to busy my hands, my fingers
so they don't do anything dangerous
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
it was simply to protect my sanity

I hate needles
but I want tattoos
enough to cover my entire arm
with nothing but words
meaningful words
I want to be read like a book
The kind with a mediocre middle
rough beginning
and crisis-averted ending
The kind with characters
you can't help but fall in love with
That's the kind of book
I want tattooed onto my skin

just another quick write
before I sign off for the night
today I laughed
I loved
I learned
So I feel like that made it a great day
dontcha think?

is a black cat
with white paws
one stitched back up
from where she finally burst
at the end of her long
silky black tail
is a white tip
that I would chew on when I was young
her eyes are green
her nose pink
I've had her since I can remember
My beautiful stuffed bella

last week
I grew out my nails
and then you screamed at me
and I dug them into my palm
until it bled
What did that accomplish?
Nothing.

just a girl with some demons
but they don't define her
Because sometimes she skips instead of walks
sometimes she laughs for no reason
sometimes she tells stupid jokes
sometimes she loves so hard it hurts
sometimes she purposely avoids her reflection
sometimes she sings at the top of her lungs
and she loves her brothers and sisters and friends
and sometimes she cries herself to sleep
and sometimes she complains about nothing
and she writes bad poetry
and she spends hours inside a book
and sometimes she questions everything
but she's just a girl

I looked in the mirror
and do you know what I saw?
a girl
She could use some work
But perhaps
I could call her pretty
You can tell in her eyes
that she cannot decide
whether she is too big or too skinny
But you know what?
Perhaps she could be pretty
She spends an hour a day
preparing her face so
perhaps she could be pretty
Maybe I should stop judging her
she's just trying to survive
she doesn't want to worry about
if perhaps she's pretty

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please

I look fat she says
I feel so big
I comfort her of course
but then I look at her
her wrists are bony
she's tinier then me
doesn't she realize
how big she makes me feel
when she's tinier then me?

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal