I wish I could take others' pain upon myself
So that my suffering wasn't so useless

you look like how I used to know you in that picture

I was ugly back then!

I don't think you were ugly.

consolation or truth??????

dipping your finger into
a pool
stirring up memories
good and bad
with nothing but your finger and your presence

unrequited
but you are kind, sweet
funny, you make me laugh
nervous laughter, loud laughter
REAL laughter
I could list your good qualities for days
for it has always been you
like how hard you try to be good
and how well you succeed at it
you love your mom even though she wasn't a good parent
you care for your family although they couldn't give you
the life you deserved
if I were to dream up the perfect one for me
it would be you
It would always be you
you being here has reminded me of that
you, with your heart so pure but yet so damaged
you, with your picky eating and goofy smile
but as six years my senior you can never truly see me
you will never be able to think of me as anything other
than as a sister, your best friend's little sister
and I can never tell you how I feel, how I think about you
but here, I can say
it
has
and will always be
you

i am a pouring pitcher,
filling every cracked cup,
yet my own glass
stays empty.

i wonder if someone
will see me
evaporate—
but they don’t.

still, i pour,
hoping the universe
will fill me back—
it never does.

I try try try.
too hard for the wrong things
too little for the right

Try to understand
to pick apart
Everything said and unsaid
Try to give meaning to the movement
Of a foot on the floor
A breath between utterances
Lips pursed
All a discreet code
try to make it break break break

Try try try
to ignore the thoughts pulsing
Every second something to comment
Nothing floats by
Without trying

Try try
look nice
Desirable

Try
To not think
Or talk too much or
Be too quiet or
Too caring or
too loud or
Selfish or
Outgoing or or or

Be normal.
Regular.
I try

I do not try try try
To care so much or
Love so much or
obsess so much or
Think, think, think so, so, much

I try try try and do not achieve

I do not try yet i achieve
Everything unwanted and unneeded

A natural at too much and not enough

dread
weighs
heavy
as
anxiety
grabs
hold
and
slowly
kills me