I can tell in the way
He writes his words
And waits for me to message him first
It's in the way he's liked me
Since 7th grade
And how after 8th
He never kept the chase.
i don't want to lose you
Only ten days in
And that's his desperate cry
im right here
I say, and imagine
His head in my lap
And me stroking
His hair and I see what he is--
Lost and broken,
Unsure of me.
His only worry
Is that I'll forever leave.

And I guess I kind of like
His big tan calloused hands
I like his stubble on his cheeks
I love it when he whispers
"Mi hermosa" in my ear
Because I am his beautiful then
I love it when his hands go around
My waist and he pulls me against
His sturdy chest
I like laying on a blanket
With him because
My head is on his chest
And his heart is
Still beating fast

His lips are at my hips
Oh sweet boy
Your tongue will be
My demise

I feel my lonliness curl
Comfortably into my heart
Im the only one
Who wants to kiss my scars
Who wants to whisper
"you're beautiful" to me
I'm the only one
Who holds me at night
And I'm the only one
Who dries my tears away
I'm the one
Who entertains myself
With what ifs
And unforgivable cowardice
Of being turned down, and
Of being turned away.
I am my own lover.
And I will fall asleep with
My arms around me tonight.

He says he doesn't understand why I read all the time to escape. Says when the book ends, the fairy tale dream you're living in while reading ends.
doesn't he get it?
When I'm reading its one less minute, one less hour of wanting to **** myself.

We all want to be loved
By ones we couldn't care for
We all want to be hated
By the ones we don't bother with
We all want to be wanted
By our first true love
But we are loved by the wronged
And hated by our true love,
And the ones we don't bother with
Don't bother with us either.

I lay here in bed
With wet hair
And a book in my hand
And it hits me..
What I have traded her for.
I've traded her cuddles
For a cold bed.
Her kisses for a
Drunken strangers.
Her love for
A boy who won't remember my name
In the morning.
I've traded her comfort
For nobody to hold me
Her sweet caresses
For a heavy body on top of me
All because
'I want to be free'
But I want to go back in
That cage
With her and scream **** the  world
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her.

When will I be good enough
And not too much?

Will I ever be content
With this life I’ve built
With these strangers I
Call friends that surround me

I look in the mirror
Nothing seems to look familiar
Even my eyes have lost their life

They say don’t drink on an empty stomach
I think I will just so I can finally throw up

You’re all sharp teeth and jagged edges
Every time we touch it’s electric
Slowly taking bites from my hips to my lungs.
Break my ribs open
There’s my heart next to my shattered sternum
When you pull away my breathing is ragged
Lick the blood off your bottom lip.
Smile.
Kiss me with it.

Either it's wrong
Or it's right
I can't see anything
In black
Or white

While she is off driving
To god knows where
I am at home crying
Wishing I could be there.

I fell asleep
Smiling at the moon
With the taste of flower petals
On my tongue

This is what hope tastes like

Take me to the bathroom
Take my clothes off
Make love to me
Up against the ***** wall.

I feel your touch ******* everywhere
Get off my skin
And my lips
Leave me like the rest of you did
I don't want you anymore
SHE is all over you
I can't do it can't lay down
With a ghost of your arm draped around me

Haven't felt butterflies
In two years
I've been a truly dead wasteland
For almost a year
But when she smiles at me
It's like my whole body becomes
*alive

All those Disney movies
And love stories
Are lies!
The book never ends
With a break up

I have to wake up
Every day
Knowing
My parents will never see it
The way I see it.
They won't see love
Or hope
Or happiness
They'll see lies
And hate
And "they don't agree with it"
And that hurts
Knowing
I'm unlovable
Because of who I love
It hurts knowing
They won't see her
Beauty and patience
The way I do
They won't be happy for us
On our wedding day
Or anniversaries
Or when we have kids
My family will sigh
And wish it was a boy
And that hurts
So ******* much
You don't know
Until you're in the shoes
And you have lived
A lie
For over a year

If they could see inside my head
Tears would be spilled
In fact I don't think anybody
At all on earth
Would love me anymore.

I think
I'm ******* crazy
Haven't even kissed him
For almost two years
I've feigned innocence
But god now
My best friend
Won't pick up the phone
Cause they're talking
I thought I wouldn't mind
But my chest is all tight
And my stomach is in knots
I want him all to myself
His face
And hands and everything
I want him all to myself
I have since 7th grade
God it's so true that with your
First love you fall hard

I miss you. But you are not here. I cannot talk to you, I don't trust myself. I wish you would look at this. I wish you'd read these stupid poems about you, and understand what this hell is like for me. Because I don't think you do understand. And I have a feeling you have moved on to whoever or whatever, but I haven't. Mother washed that white jacket that smelled like you, the last thing that did. When I breathed it in I cried, because it didn't smell like I was walking into your house. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss that look in your eyes, that tentative intensity. I just want to look at you and see it one last time. Kiss your lips one last time.

I'm scared to death
Of next month
Of spending our 2 year
Anniversary
All alone

I can see him
Sitting in his ****** bed
With the frame missing
And his old dog
About to die laying down
Near the pillows.
He sits
With his struggle.
He opens his bottom drawer
And out he pulls
Two bottles of *****
A pipe
A pack of cigarettes
And old letters from his ex.
He looks at his phone,
Sees that I've messaged him.
He throws it all away.

*i promise I can save him

And god
We stayed up until
3 or 4am talking about
Anything,
Me and him.
About family life
And depression,
What to do when we grow up
And how scared we are.
What we are doing day by day
And how afraid we are
Of being the black sheep of our family.
It's like we share each others fears
I can feel it
Like two missing puzzle pieces
On a great big map
One in Alaska
And one in Oregon
But the pull
Oh god,
The pull of us together.

I keep thinking
if I could just go back
But I can't go back
I can't ever rewind time
And I cry when I realize
Just how far back I'm stuck
In the past.

Quiet house
A cry from the other room
It gets louder and louder
           I stay quiet
Listening to the criers grief
And my mother rushes in and
          Looks at me
The sound dies out slowly
I can't believe it...
           The crier was me.

theres just so much
I have wanted to say
Like what?
i I I I iii.... L-l.
I love you.*
You love me?

And you cry
And cry
And lay there
After
Suddenly you feel nauseated
And sick
You want to run to the bathroom
And heave and heave
But you realize you only feel this way
Because you miss her.

In all honesty,
I think he is a
Sad, sad man.

I want to pull the trigger
Swallow the bottle
And cut a little deeper.
I don't want to be on earth.
But I don't want to be in
Heaven or hell either.
I just want to be gone gone gone.
Stuck in an
eternal dreamless Sleep
With nobody
And nothing

I am a butterfly caught in the rain
A child who swam too far away
I am running with no escape

All I do is want and want want want—
So much it could eat me alive
If I’m not careful I will  
Swallow myself up whole
Without stopping to take a bite.

It's been a month-
Do you love him?

....

How could I?
How am I even alive without being with her?

Five months, lindsey.
Five. You should be over this by now.

....

Give me a couple weeks.
No, months.
No, years.
Give me the best distraction
I've ever seen...
Maybe then. Maybe then
I won't be so lost.

You're hopeless.

....

I know.

I wonder if stars worry they’re not bright enough
If even the sun with its life giving light
Feels dim sometimes in comparison to the others.
I wonder if we are all stars,
Beautiful to other people but unknowing in ourselves.
I know that even when my light dies out and I implode into a black hole,
It will take years for people to notice I’m a burned out nothing, floating in nothing.

How many times
Can a heart be broken?
When will I feel loved?
When will she stop hurting me?

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

How do I do this?
Push away everyone I love?
Prove the ones who hate me right?
How do I not
Go to pills
Or the pipe?
I would if I could,
I would if I could.
How do I not
Just leave my house
Or leave the earth.
I would if I had the courage.
If I had the guts.

But instead I force myself
Not even to cry
To just be silent
And still
As my head goes
******* insane.
I choose
What would seem impossible
To everybody else.
Control.

I sit in the grass
With my eyes closed.
Feeling the green of summer
Come to me in warm wind.
Come, come, come
The trees whisper to me.

I love you
And I think you’re **** as hell
Tell me how I can fix this,
How to make you laugh like you used to.

I’m sorry that I’m so broken
I had to break you, too
I Carved your scars out to match mine
So I know the tears you cry
Taste just like mine
So I know your wounds won’t heal with time.

Am I making you think you’re nothing,
Like how I think I’m nothing?

Ive already hit rock bottom
Watch me drag you down here with me
We can sit in the dark
And try to make sparks
Then fall asleep cold
And do it all over again

I love the word poison.
It entices me.
The way the o and the i
Just become round and full
Inside your mouth
And then are shut up
With the s
And you end the word
With your tongue pressed
To your teeth.

All it took was
Two days
To get her to leave her boyfriend
For me

What's wrong with me

All around me
I find myself
Spinning
In truth
And in lies
I want to scream
stop it!
But then everything might go away.

Their smiles seem so
Promising and loving
But their eyes show nothing but greed
You can hear the soothing voice
Whispering lies into your ear
And you know
It's all just a game
On who can feel you
And who can use you
It's all on killing
Whats inside
All your happiness an hopes
All gone gone gone
For a bumpy kiss
On a bumpy road
Headed nowhere.

I feel the night take a different taste
The kind that only happens when it’s late
I lick my teeth, and swallow it down,
Letting danger curve my lips
And sink into the swing of my hips

Because the way I'm feeling right now
Is NOT okay

Because tomorrow will mark a year since I've been without her

Because I can't bring myself to eat or else I get sick

Because I'm so ******* done with feeling nothing and I want to live life like there rest of them do

Because I want to laugh without feeling empty

I should move on
But I can't think of
You kissing somebody
The way you kiss me
I hate the fact
That you weren't the one

******* SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE DO YOU UNDERSTAND?? MINE. NOT YOURS. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK CUTE FOR ME. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO COOK BREFAST FOR ME. GOD ******* ******. She's supposed to be mine, mine, mine.

I watched you and HER
Dance
Mess around smiling
Laughing

All I could think of
Was how funny it was
That I can know you so well
And then suddenly
Not know you at all.

His eyes
Upon your eyes
His hand
Upon your hand
His lips
Caress your skin
It's more than I can stand.

I haven't talked to her in two days
I miss her like crazy
Im drowning myself
In his affection
And crying like hell
When I wake up
I want her.
I want her to be mine
And she wants me
But my parents...
I'll never move on.
I'll never forget waking up
And kissing her
In her arms
And still sleepy.
She is perfect
In every single way
How can I be friends
With her when out history is too much?
It's all at an end.
No more new memories to make
Just hurt.
It's over.
Forever.

At the end of each day
As I'm laying in the dark
Looking into the night
I whisper
"I still want to die"