How do I keep the ugly feelings inside from coming outside and being okay with it deep down Im not. The ugly isn't dissipating its growing and I can't stop it anymore

Am I really that mean
Do I really have that much hate in my heart

I want to
Take you
Into
My bed.

In the morning I'll leave you
In between the sheets,
A mess of short hair and
Sticky thighs.
Soft sighs.

Your back, broad
And wounded.
You take a shower alone.
You wince under its spray.

You never got my name.
Only heard me whisper yours.
Look for something in my drawers,
In my cabinets.
Find nothing.

Scrawl your number on a piece of paper.

Leave with the hope of me calling you back.

Know, that once you shut that door,
You'll never see or hear of me again.

Your arm is draped around me.
Your soft snores. Your head is on my shoulder.
You are starting to sweat because you sweat in your sleep.
All you have on is a t shirt and socks.
No boxers.
Its 8:35 am and my world has never been as perfect as this. Sunlight creeps through my window.
You're 6'4 and roughly 215 lbs,
But all I see is a sweet little boy.
Your gauges are 5/8" and black.
You wear vans, black craft cult, and zumiez only.
You have thick brows over green eyes.
Dark hair.

I love your hands, long slender fingers that seem to be twice my size.

I love your legs, long ropey and strong. And hairy.

I love your lips and the way they pucker out when you're asleep and I love ever single one of your teeth.

I love your morning breath and the way you wake up.

I love your choppy, ragged breaths when you're inside me.

I love your nervousness, even though I hate it.

I love you.

Sneaky obsessed *******-
If you don't like what I write
Get the ******* of it!
I only told you about this place
Cause I trusted you,
Cause I thought I loved you.

Don't you turn the words Im feeling
Into some kinda crime.
Don't get offended- its not meant for your eyes.

Its meant for mine.

You are worth it to me.
I'd trade all the stars
And the sun for you,
I'll walk in the moons
Pale light to see your pale face.

I'd trade every cigarette
I've ever smoked or I'll ever smoke,
I'll breathe in your
Intoxicating scent instead.

I'd trade all my first kisses,
All my hugs and first loves.
I'll pour my young love
And my old love into your pores.

I'd trade every laugh I've ever heard,
Every delighted giggle
Just to hear you laugh
Every time I'm nearby.

I'd die for you, yes and,
I'd live for you and die with you.

You're such a different breed,
Than any man I thought I could need.

Oh baby,
        You're the one for me.

I look into your eyes-
I feel it.
I feel it when we kiss.
When you hold me.
When you touch me.
I feel it when you laugh
I feel it watching you **** down
Cigarettes like you're looking for
Lung cancer.
So I'll kiss you back
And hold your hand
And caress your face softly.
I'll make you laugh just to hear it-
I'll kiss the smoke off your lips
And exhale it into the night air.

Because I love you.
I love you.

I haven't been able to say it,
It gets caught in my throat.
It scratched my tongue till
I cough it out when you're not around.