I feel so cold inside.
Dead.
Emotions I once had,
No longer remain.
Things I once loved,
Gone.
I never meant to end up
This way.
Yet somehow, here I am.
Somehow, my life is going
On around me,
But I am not in it.
My heart is numb
To sensation.
I don't feel.
I don't hurt.
I can't cry.
Nothing, it seems
Can bring me out of this mess.
I feel so careless.
Not depressed.
Simply, emotionless.
If someone hurts,
I do not feel it.
If someone is happy,
I cannot rejoice.
I feel I have lost
All sense of being
Human.
I feel so distant
To who I am.
To who I was.
I wonder how I can
Get that back?
Anymore,
It seems that nothing
Is in my head
But songs.
Lives past.
Where my life will never be.
Sitting here,
Writing,
I have forgotten
Just how easy it is
To forget my troubles
When I express them
In words.
It's fear that holds me back.
Always being told,
I'm not good enough.
I am programmed to think
I don't deserve the best.
Never thinking
Maybe this time
Things will go my way.
I cannot understand
Someone like me.
Someone who could
Feel so little,
Yet criticize so much.
It seems all I have become
Is a bitter woman.
A woman who sits back
And lets life pass her by.
Yet, lately, I am becoming
Fearless.
Is it that I am changing?
Or have I shut myself off
From the world
So I can no longer feel pain?
It has been so long, since I have actually
Loved someone.
I guess a part of me has given up.
I cannot decide if who I am now
Is me growing
Or me dwindling away to nothing…
Am I becoming better
Or worse?
Who am I now?
Who do I want to be?
Perhaps the reason
Why I feel so cold
Is because I have lost
Any aspirations for my life.
I have no desires.
I have no will.
There is no point
In being here.
How can someone appear
To be happy, and yet
Think so little of the world;
Of themselves?
Who is to say that
I am happy?
What is happy?
We surely do not know that.
For happiness cannot be defined by
One person.
Happy to me,
Might be completely miserable
To another.
We are who we are.
Nothing changes that.
I cannot decide what to think
Of myself these days.
I feel so useless yet,
I know there is more to life
Than just this.
Is it perhaps that I am just
Through with this part of my life
And am ready to move on?
Or is it me just hoping the next “level”
Of my life will be better,
Only to find out it is
Me that needs to change?
How can someone be
So dark, but not sad?
Or perhaps this person
Doesn’t realize what
They are.
If so, how long until they
Find out?
How many people have
To get hurt
In the process?
What if they never
Realize who they
Are meant to be?
What if they do?
© 2010 Meg McCluskey