I have never thought about getting here
27 years old and 10 pounds lighter than 8 weeks ago
It's all in numbers, you see
Like
How many cigarettes I have smoked today
How many drinks I've had
How many times I've lost you

It's all in numbers
And as I count the eyelashes shadowing my eyes
I still remember
That
It's been 1000 years
Since my heart has been
Broken down.

The way it has been
In these 24 hours
Since you decided to say goodbye
For the last time.





H

It's been some time now
And I still haven't figured out how to walk past you
Without feeling that every muscle in my body is dying
Including the one beating in my chest
So fast
That my skin starts hurting.

And I'm sitting here now
Trying to cover my eyes with the smoke of the millionth cigarette I've smoked
Since I last saw your eyes.

And my skin still hurts.

And somehow
The calm rain washing the ground where I've spilled my drunken soul
Still sounds like your voice.

Like music does.

And my soul smells like you.

And my skin still hurts.

Like your absence does.

It's been some time now
And I still haven't figured out
How to close my eyes
Without seeing you in my dreams.

And my skin still hurts.

Like your smile does.

Unable to sleep
Though my eyes are so tired
From having to see all the pain
I pour in the mirror
Day by day.

(They've never felt better than the last time when your face was reflected in their blue shade).

I switch from side to side
In this bed where your absence
Makes me feel like I am in the middle of a snowstorm
While I'm trying to run from all those monsters
I once told you about.
The ones your voice would chase away at night
Just by calling and saying that everything is all right.

And

I miss the way your arms around me made me feel warm
On that Friday night
When the worst monster was the train taking me away from your side.

And I miss you.

But that's something I am not suppose to say.
Not now.
Not now that the Universe has decided
To place our hearts at a safe distance one from the other.

And under these layers of skin and flesh
I can feel my soul turning into a pile of dust
wearing the scent of your embrace.

After all,
I guess,
No distance is long enough
For a heart filled with longing.
and pain.

I need to fill up my eyes with your smile
I need to take this cold skin I am wearing and turn it
into something you would wanna touch one day.

I'm holding to your memory
Like an old lady holding to a bag where she keeps the scraps
of a lonesome life—
A photograph, a book and some keys not opening any door.
Not anymore.

I remember the talks we used to have late at night
When you were asking me
Who or what I am
And I've never been able to give you an answear you'd like.
Never found it.

And now you don't ask me anymore
And it's late for anything I say
and the spring is showing her beauty in the air
while I am sitting here with my heart sinking in solitude.
And the wind is blowing, is bringing sadness in these  eyes of mine
while the blossoms are flying up to the sky.

And for the first time in my life I have an answer:

I am the girl with blossoms in her hair
and winter in the eyes

who loves you.