why can't I stop
thinking all these
harsh poems you
write are for me
I'm trying to
remember
what you
know
                                     are they about me?
                                     because I'm blaming
                                     myself for your unhappiness
                                     so I'm sorry
                                     please
just be happy

How pathetic is it
That everytime I hear the roaring
Of a diesel engine
I turn around to glance
Secretly hoping it may be you
But you sold your truck,
And you no longer come out
To this part of town.

How pathetic is it that everytime a sad song
Creeps up on me
On the radio
My heart begins to pound
And the sound of your voice
Swirls around in my brain
Like a never ending vortex
And I'm reminded
Of everything you once said
The song may be over,
But I still remember it word from word
And I always seem to find it
Still stuck in my head

How pathetic is it
That still to this day
You're the only soul that's ever gotten
To me
So deep you pierced my heart
Your mark is within me forever
And it never will heal
The scar will forever be noticable


How pathetic is it
That when I lay down at night
I replay the whole past in my head
I remember every word
Every detail
And the exact way you said my name
And If you said my name
One last time
I then could die a happy girl

How pathetic is it
That you control my every day
Yet I have not seen you in almost a year
And you are always there waiting for
Me
In my dreams
I just can't seem to escape from you
And once I awake
I'm left feeling as if a hole was punched
Through my chest
I feel so empty

Maybe tonight I'll be able to
Get you off my mind for a little
When my blood is flooded with alcohol
Even then,
You cross my mind and I feel
Myself wallowing in my own sorrow
Dreaming of the future we could have had
And wondering where it all went wrong


Its beyond pathetic knowing
I'll never get over you
Even though you're over me
And long gone
Never to return to this part of town

I'm pathetic and I'll admit it
Only because maybe you'll see
I need you
And come back and save me

She was crippled
Lost in her thoughts
As pieces of her life shattered around her
She was caved in
The room began to spin
Everything raised
As what was left of her hope began to fade away
Spinning, and shifting; no escape
Never let loose for a breath of fresh air
But caught in despair she drops the razor
Flushes the pills
Drains the alcohol
But grabs the knife, and gets rid of what's left.

***

Stubborn as all hell, I am
When you say you just want to be friends
But what happens when I kiss someone else
And want you on the receiving end?

As I pull off her dress,
Wishing it was us making a mess
Feel fire rolling off her tongue, in full heat
But my heart still plays your beat

She shudders and moans the way you used to,
But still
Still she’s not you

Cigarettes have more than smells
feelings, really
make one's head fill up, get bigger
remember
that day, when you came home from ballet
you were 6 and one half and 4 days
and your daddy was smoking a cigarette,
told you what a pretty little lady you were
a small woman
but you weren't
you weren't a woman
just a little girl
wanted to be a ballerina
but daddy wanted you to be an adult,
gave no choice
you can forget the car,
the moments the sounds
the feelings of fear and pain
but that smell,
the sickening breath of smoke
the head full of it and screams
a sweet little reminder.