You said, “Ask me what I am thinking”
Obediently I did
Swiftly you kissed me
Tongue, lips, all of it.
And suddenly,
I felt
E v e r y t h i n g.

Chills up my spine
Arm hair raised
Stiff and straight
Senses heightened
Heart beating
Stampeding
Like a band of thoroughbreds racing.
Intense sensations
Swarms of tingling and tickling
Like someone softly blowing
On the back of my naked neck.

A shock wave of pleasure
Feelings immeasurable
To anything I’ve experienced.
This was no ordinary kiss
Warm, gentle, firm
Just enough wetness
To keep motion fluid.

Lasting only 10 seconds
But feeling endless
Like falling into an abyss
A bottomless pit
Deeper and deeper
Rapidly dropping
Picking up speed

Until your hands released my cheeks
And all the warmth left me.
Overtaken by an icy breeze
Compared to the heat I was just feeling.
Like pulling covers abruptly off a body
While in the middle of a slumber.

I never liked the feelings of being stripped
Unwillingly, unexpectedly
Especially
When the everything was so inviting.

You kissed me without permission
Then the position I was put in
Decisions I had to make quickly after
Because what I say now
Outlines our future
Defines our label
Of each other.

You put that pressure
Onto me
I wanted nothing of that responsibly
At least not to that degree
Don’t ask that to me
To state what I think we should be.

10 seconds ago
I only asked what you were thinking
I was unaware,
Completely unprepared
To know I would be deciding
The fate of our relationship
This now sinking ship.

I can swim
But I feel like I'm sinking
Having to live with the dreadful feeling
I’ve hurt another person again.

I got to be the lead
As I’d always dreamed
I never expected my role to be
Heart Breaker.

I want to go along with it,
Put up with the charades
Be the good actress
And pretend things didn't change
Say for your sake
I feel the same way.

But for this show to go on
For my role to be authentic
I must be honest.

I guess some friendships expire…

Even the best shows don't last forever
Enjoy the run for what it was
And say goodbye
Because it’s for the better.

dear panic attack at 1:14am
please don't make a return

You were doing so well.
Almost a week,
You couldve done it.
Its not your fault,
And i dont blame myself,
So who should?

Today,
Sitting at my desk,
I spotted the box and
Gave in to temptation.

Each line i make
Represents a way i cant
Help you
Or myself.
A way im hurting others
Or myself.
I dont want it to be this way
And i wish i didnt have to
But i do.
And everyday i give in,
It gets worse.
I know i should hate it
I know i should want to stop
I know it should hurt
But i dont
And i dont
And it doesnt.

Every line i make
Shows how weak i am.
I wish i was the bigger person
Who could take my own advice
And be smart.
Instead i desperatley
Count the lines
To practice
Because i cant focus on my geometry homework
And all thats making me do
Is fail.

"Im gonna do it."
We made a pact
And i kept it.

They're more frequent now,
Im afraid
You might not be able to handle it.

I try not to lie,
But sometimes
I can't not.

progression

Philips head
2 tiny screws
Sore thumbs and index
Slice
Water running
Cold and wet
Goosebumps on split skin
Ice down the drain
Swirling red and pride.

I tell you not to care.
I don't.

Everyones a hypocrite:
*don't give up

I want to be, your number one
I want to be your late night thoughts
I want to be the reason you lose sleep
It's selfish, I know, but it's what I want

I want to be the reason for your excitement
I want to be the one you cry over
I want to be the one you laugh with
I want to be the one you long to touch and hold
I want to be the one you tell others about
when you are talking about, things you love

I want to be to their wish upon a shining star
i want to be their birthday wish
i want to be their unspoken prayer

i want you
and i want you to want me too

You cause pain to yourself
In more ways than
1
All the time
Without even realizing it.

Every time I warn you
Sheepishly
I can feel
You getting weaker
Your responses shorter
And the lone little light
Shining
In your heart
Getting dimmer.

Because the more you want to become stronger,
The more you give up inside
With all the stinging
Nonsense
You feed yourself.

I can feel you trying,
For me and him,
And i can feel you
So close
Like a kids game
A
Hold-your-breath contest
And you lose 2 seconds
Too late.

I know you can do it
I know how much you want it
I know how much you need it
But really
I dont know half of it.
How much you arent telling me
Because your afraid it will send me
Spiraling
Faster.

Ive tried so hard
And so have you
And i'll keep trying
Till the day I die
Or you
Whichever comes faster.
But the day you or I die,
Is the day i stop trying
And i hope you know that.

I say it in a poem
because I can't say it out loud.
Because                                             I won't.
                                                            Risk
the embarrassment of your
                                                         laughter
                                                      disapproval
                                                         rejection.
I like to be the one
doing the
                                                       Alienating.
I imagine the way
your eyebrows would
furrow together.

The way
you'd find an                                   excuse
                                                        to leave.

The way
                                                        Regret
would feel.
Filling my mouth
with the coppery
taste of blood.

First guilt,
Then pain,
Then numbness,
Now nothing.