I'm losing grip on the hand that holds me sentient

The only thing I wanted
was to be loved completely

My religion changes by the week.
Ive believed in that man unseen,
who appeared in the songs I'd sing as a girl in church camp.
Ive scoured the stars and the planets,
hoping each light through the window would spell out my purpose.
Other times my belief comes out when I'm singing along to that old cd.
The one I know every word to
as if the lyrics were somewhere inside me.
But recently my passion lies in the way his eyes change when the sky goes dark,
and the tension in his muscles when he pulls me close.
I wonder if they know,
those who have upturned my worlds,
just how drastically different I am now,
how changed I was then,
and how all thats coming is further transformation.

suddenly in the haze I found it;
clarity.
I stumbled upon it for just a moment.
permanently etched in my mind:
the picture of perfection.

my strongest enemy lies within
coils around the heart and chokes
halts every sweet thought that runs through this brain
these insides are torn by the talons of my beast
what devil placed this monster in my chest?
and who can reach deep enough within me to conquer it?

listening to your playlists
realizing its impossible to forget you

The fire I was afraid of had come from my refuge all along.
So let the tongues devour those walls,
I’ve found protection elsewhere.

This sickness you've given me
while seemingly immune
Has crept through my system
Travelled my bloodstream
Effected my whole being

I'll drown it in medications,
for I suppose it's symptomatic

you are beyond my imagination
far more than a series of words
for you've stolen from the skies
your eyes contain the stars
your soul the cosmos
you've learned from Neptune
and adopted the patterns of the galaxies

what makes me so forgettable?

can a feeling cause physical pain?
this fear, this tension
it starts in my back
up my neck and invading my skull
no longer a nagging thought
but a constant discomfort
distractions dont exist
what I need is a painkiller
but something stronger than drugs
strong enough to get me out of my head

tell me what you need
and when I cannot find
one of your necessities
I'll reach inside myself
search around corners and under beds
and offer what I've found
you're free to take any part of me
I've meant to declutter anyway

I don’t really listen
When you speak on your passions
Because I can't understand
I just watch your face light up
And hear the inflections
Thinking about how to live is an art
And how fortunate I am to love

thank you for your advice
I knew it was forever when I laid on that table
but I've learned in my short years
that permanence is something
I need to get comfortable with
Because yes, this was a choice
But we don't always have a say
in those things that mark us for life

looking at the facts
I dont understand myself
but looking at the feeling
I couldnt imagine another way

scars have stained your skin
from battles you have not fought
you've been left to stitch the gashes
that the past has etched in my body
You dont deserve to face this pain
I hate that Im the reason for the sting

my edges are tattered and nothing can restore them,
but I promise my message will be beautiful.
please overlook my fray and see into my substance.

spell out your story in your breaths
kiss me tales of your past
and trace your hopes on my skin
hold me like you do your memories
and love me as though I know nothing

I ache for you.
Theres an emptiness between my fingers.
This isn't beautiful.
It hurts.

daylight distractions fall away
to reveal true emotion, become visible:
truths unlocked under the moonlight.
In this lucidity of twilight
I can no longer ignore your absence.
so come hold me,
I crave your skin on mine,
the touch of your hands.
for a lonely day compares not
to a lonely night

I was so satisfied with waking up alone
until I opened my eyes to your arms holding me close
these blank sheets cant provide your warmth
theres no other comfort quite like you

he lives as if he knows the secret
that everyone else spends their lives
trying to discover

if this is love make it stop

My whole world stops in the best way possible
When I walk out of my room and he actually smiles at me
When it spreads from his mouth to his cheeks to his scrunched little eyes
When she hugs my legs as if she never wants me to leave
When she hangs on for dear life, physically begging me never to desert her
When the light shines through that windshield
When it makes life feel like a movie with nothing but happy endings
When my legs are about to collapse but I fall down in bed
When relief runs through my limbs and comfort arrives
When her face lights up as she makes a dumb joke
When she makes tears come to my eyes with no justification but joy
When the music blares over any background noise
When it drowns out my thoughts and leaves me with only notes
When he wraps his arm around my waist
&
When I feel as though the world would end if he were to let go

I spend my days collecting memories
but no other can compare
to the days I spent in bed
with you

words have failed me
so keep your head on my chest,
listen to the beating of my heart
put to words my passions
make art of my affections

nobody tells you what to do
when you've made the mistake of falling,
you've ended up on the bottom
and your bones have fallen outside your reach
when you feel the watch ticking
on the hand that you've been holding
and it pulls you with each moment
theres nothing I can do
about the hours bound to unbind us
or the distance that will pull us apart
and nobody
nobody has told me what to do

stuck in this whirlwind.
negativity seeps in.
I need a breath.
my black lungs scream for clarity:
a calm I can only find in you.

I find myself telling you things
I don't even like to admit to myself

we are of the Earth,
every moment fleeting.
but you;
you belong in the sky.
I want to tell the sun about you,
your soul is every shade of starlight,
your being limitless.
show me something outside of myself.

My fingertips have lost feeling
I stumble over nothing
but no matter what I try
my stomach overturns when you walk into the room.

ebbing and flowing
jump in
consume my body
but just until I need a breath

the winds are battering the soft side of my chest
and my skin is in conflict
for thats where the storms and sun meet

so much has changed
since when i was with you
and the warmth of your skin
made my heart beat just faster
and stopped any cold from sneaking in

but then I was vulnerable
and the storms found the cracks
found the ways to get in
found that they could take over

so now I'm left here
with the sun on my face
and with chaos inside

You have mastered the art
of leaving me wanting more