i just wanted to be in your arms tonight
but i wasn't
and i never will be

because we are miles on miles apart
and even
further apart physically

you asked me to be mean
but i couldn't do it

you asked me to be upset
but i could only be disappointed

you asked me to do this
and i'm trying to help you

but i still find a way to **** up
and feel so wrong about it

i'm just being mean
but i'm trying to help

i'm still not asleep,
and neither are you.

you're thinking about her,
and i'm thinking about me.

you're so loving, yet
i'm so selfish, i want your love.

please call me,
please talk to me.

stay with me until i sleep,
then you can go

go back to her,
and i'll go back to me.

if my eyes aren't looking at a screen, they are leaking.

9 hours distance
11 months relationship
2 people in love

everyday i find something new
to love about you

right side of bed
top drawer
tiny blade
blood stained

right of drawer
vertical cabinet
cigarettes
and a lighter

here's to forgetting you

i figured you didn't love me anymore.

i assumed it didn't hurt.

i believed being hurt and loving them went hand in hand.

i love you so much still, that it hurts to think of being without you.

i thought you didn't love me, so you were glad when you were without me.

i always wanted to graduate and leave the hellhole of high school
i always expected that when i was graduating that i would receive a scholarship from some state college
i always imagined i'd fall in love with someone between high school and college and that would be the love of my life

i wish i could have left high school when i knew what i wanted to do with my life
no colleges want me & no one was there to fall in love with me

if i stayed in high school until i knew what i wanted to do, i think i would be in high school until i passed on.

my lips burn and sting; for i only long to kiss you

every time i go back to that place
i remember calling you
and telling you how excited i was
but also how scared i was

you told me it was okay

i remember my friends talking to you
and they were laughing
and i had a huge smile on my face

you wanted to hang up

i told you that i had to go
and i reminded you i loved you
i held the phone to my ear

i don't remember you saying you loved me back

i tear at my skin, rip the flesh off the bone
layers and layers peel away
i reveal my core, it's broken and confusing
black bones and stars and weeds stuck between
everything looks thrown together
nothing belongs here

appears like a brute

is as frail as a flower

talk to me so i stop talking to myself.
the words rattle back and forth in my mind that i dont need you to reply, i already thought up your next three responses, one being silence.

i miss you.

this girl
*******, this girl.

she was heaven and hell at the same time. all four seasons at their fullest, the snow, the sun, the flowers, and the baked leaves. she was determination and shyness, happiness and sadness, all at once. all at one time. she was the sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, and the vast emptiness of space.

i was dull. i was the long roads in the middle of nowhere. the places people lose themselves, lose each other. i was empty. i was all those nights you dont remember your dreams. i was all those places you didnt go, because the other was better.

she was everything.
i was nothing.
she was my everything.
i was her nothing.

our meeting was designed by fate

randomly matched but already together

twenty-two and eighteen

the perfect duo

brown eyes are my favorite
they are spiraling and layered
years of depth and emotion

he has brown eyes
they are full of life
and a purpose

when he stares at me with those eyes
i feel so loved by him
and i feel touched by him

i want to be enveloped by him
held forever
safe.

i love your eyes marcus.