dissociating from life
melting into my sheet less bed
feel the pressure of every homework assignment i never turned in, every excuse i made to avoid hanging out, every person's feelings i ever disregarded
but also feel absolutely nothing
hearing all the beats of the song, every lyric feels like the writer wrote them just to connect to you
but also having the sound drown out and everything goes deafening quiet
i'm tired of existing
of simply living
breathing is hard to do.
i always wanted to graduate and leave the hellhole of high school
i always expected that when i was graduating that i would receive a scholarship from some state college
i always imagined i'd fall in love with someone between high school and college and that would be the love of my life
i wish i could have left high school when i knew what i wanted to do with my life
no colleges want me & no one was there to fall in love with me
if i stayed in high school until i knew what i wanted to do, i think i would be in high school until i passed on.
right side of bed
right of drawer
and a lighter
here's to forgetting you
i figured you didn't love me anymore.
i assumed it didn't hurt.
i believed being hurt and loving them went hand in hand.
i love you so much still, that it hurts to think of being without you.
i thought you didn't love me, so you were glad when you were without me.
i'm sorry, and i really do mean it. i'm sorry for believing you were fine, and i'm sorry for pushing things over the line.
i really do still love you.
even though now it doesn't seem the same.
you are not my best friend
you're petty and foul
uncaring and destructive
do you even care anymore?
every time i go back to that place
i remember calling you
and telling you how excited i was
but also how scared i was
you told me it was okay
i remember my friends talking to you
and they were laughing
and i had a huge smile on my face
you wanted to hang up
i told you that i had to go
and i reminded you i loved you
i held the phone to my ear
i don't remember you saying you loved me back
every time i eat something in a box
i look at the calories and feel like i'm nauseous
every time i drink something in a can
i look at the calories and feel like i'm saturated
every time i eat, i'm afraid i'm eating too much
my head begins to spin and i feel sick to my stomach
i'm afraid of over eating, i'm afraid of making the mistake
giving people another reason to dislike me
if monotone was an emotion
i would be monotone all the time
everything is either black, gray, or static
nothing feels eventful
laying on my bed with my eyes closed
gives me the same excitement as
watching a thriller movie alone
i sound monotone
everything coming out of my lips
is the same tone, unless i'm happy,
then i'm a pitch higher
i look monotone
i dress everyday as if i'm attending a funeral,
for which i am, the funeral of my happiness
and my hopes and dreams, and eventually,
i am the monotone girl
who lives a monotone life
with a monotone wardrobe
with monotone skills
and the widest color scheme for dreams.
(show the true color, monotone isn't your color)
i tear at my skin, rip the flesh off the bone
layers and layers peel away
i reveal my core, it's broken and confusing
black bones and stars and weeds stuck between
everything looks thrown together
nothing belongs here
talk to me so i stop talking to myself.
the words rattle back and forth in my mind that i dont need you to reply, i already thought up your next three responses, one being silence.
i miss you.
my lips burn and sting; for i only long to kiss you
you asked me to be mean
but i couldn't do it
you asked me to be upset
but i could only be disappointed
you asked me to do this
and i'm trying to help you
but i still find a way to **** up
and feel so wrong about it
i'm just being mean
but i'm trying to help
9 hours distance
11 months relationship
2 people in love
everyday i find something new
to love about you
— The End —