Anxiety is a **** curse.
You are sabotaged by your own body and mind.
It twists your reality like it's in your DNA.
Makes you believe you are not worthy or friendships,
love or even your own reflection.
Choices come in small, extra small or sleep until it's over.
Doubting the safety of the ride to work
or if staying in bed will **** you first.
Is it better to be sick or cry.
To shake apart or hold it together.
Intrusive thoughts are a plague
but maybe you'll die from that too.
Your heart reminds you it can stop at any moment
and to prove the point it then beats so loud
even the dog can hear it.
You don't know why it happens
because your brain is on lock down
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Your very bones betray you
shaking like they have nothing better to do..
like hold you up.
Anxiety takes you hostage
and the ransom you pay
is the freedom of feeling normal.

I kind of need you.. y'know... things in my life are a little messed up right now and some of it well, there's nothing I can do about it.
Just let it play out and have faith.
But I would come to you. Haha there's no other way.. I always did. I can hear you.. you'd have said to me ..
"Sunshine, come and sit with me a while, let's talk **** for a few hours, tell me what's troubling you in that pretty little head of yours'.
I know you would have patted the seat and smiled.
Then you would say..
'There's no better way to spend my day than with my Sunshine. There ain't nothing too big or to small for this old man so,
I will close my eyes and you can do all the talking.
And you would.
And after a minute or two, when we had stopped laughing,
it would go quite... and I would begin.

And when I had said my last word, you would have hugged me tight, dried my tears and looked right at me, so seriously..
and said..
"Well Sunshine, are you up for some digging? lets go get a ***** and sort this ****** out.. no questions asked”
We would have laughed at that too, I know it.
I hear your voice inside my head sometimes, or maybe it’s my voice, but the words are yours. Funnily enough they are the same things I say to my children. But in my head I hear them from you. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always be your little girl.. no matter what okay.

**** it.. I miss you. You have no idea. And I love you.
For all time. ****... this is messed up. It just seems like
you've been gone forever.. and forever's long enough in anyone's book.

You are my spring, my summer, my autumn, my winter..
And with every moment that I have left in this ****** up world and with all my stupid heart..  
I will always be your girl .. Always and forever your sunshine.

The spring showers fell like your love
drenching my soul
and even in the pouring rain
I shone silver from behind the clouds.

I was your hot summer haze
parching the earth
dappled by leaves
warming the buttercups to a shining yellow.

Autumn leaves swirled
russets and browns blanketing the ground
and I shone for you low in the sky
from east to west.

The winter snow fell
and I sparkled clear silver
like the diamonds that glistened
in your hair, your eyes.

I was always your sunshine
a bright clear warmth in your days
a burning sun
a reflection of you.

And you will be forever my seasons
each a changing wonder in my world
and I will love you the entire year of my life

I dream of you where the flowers grow
such visions of contentment
where your voice is the stream that I follow
as it leads me to dappled shade
and beyond there are meadows of love
and the fields give life to happiness.

As I lay within my thoughts
your arms cover me in buttercups
clover softens my head
and dandelions touch my skin
as gently as your fingertips.

The smiling yellow faces look towards the sun
and your love feels like daisies
the ladybirds and I love you so
a gently growing blossom about my feet
you love me, you love me not, you will always love me

In a myriad of purple hues  
I hear your happiness like budlia
the bees and I love you so
dizzily dancing to taste your joy about my head
I love you, I love you not, I will always love you

I see tide upon tide of the brightest blue
a sea of remembrance, every petal is a kiss
and the butterflies and I love you so
they drink deeply and float about the breeze
evoking the fondest memories of you
*forget me not, forget me, please.. forget me not

I miss the man who sold flowers in the market place
he sold posies of sweet smelling blooms
hearts and flowers wrapped in ribbons of rainbow colours
dainty flowers given to happy faces
and I loved him so
he was my favourite place to be
the scent of him filled the air
and everyday became summer
and in the rest of his autumn
he made me wish for spring

We must not ignore the pachyderm in the attic.
Trying to pull knitted fabric over our visual orbs.
For I am sure, although it's home is vacant.. the electric bill must be huge!
Maybe it requires a soupçon of his own panacea?
But we all know the summation of a pair of pairs..
And will come to the realisation.. it is a cadaverous fellow promenading.
We should all indicate the direction with our index finger...
And declare.. Pachyderm!!!


*We must not ignore the elephant in the room.
Trying to pull the wool over our eyes.
For I am sure, the lights are on but no one is home!
Maybe it needs a taste of it's own medicine?
But we all know, adding two and two together...
And come to know.. he is a dead man walking.
And we should all point
And yell.. Elephant!!